Yeah, We All Miss Him Too

[Rhonda R]

Is anyone else super frustrated by this statement?  Every time someone says this to me in their patronizing tone, I just want to scream.  You have NO idea.  My loss and your loss are not the same.  Don't compare your loss to mine!  I lost my life and my future.  You lost someone at hunting and holidays.  I lost my everything!

[KayC]

I would TELL them: 

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

My loss and your loss are not the same.

"He was your hunting partner but he was MY LIFE!"

[foreverhis]

Oh boy do I know that feeling.  Our closest family and friends have mostly refrained from comparisons or making my grief all about their grief.  It's a given that they are grieving the loss of a man they loved very much, but that I am grieving the loss of my soul mate.  Nevertheless, I have had to make a point with a few people to remind them that it is not and cannot be the same.  If I say, "I miss him so much." and someone responds, "So do I." then I will remind them that it is not the same kind of "missing."  They miss an important part of their lives; I miss my life.

I even had to have a talk with our daughter a few months after my husband died.  I was trying to tell her what it's like for me and she said for about the tenth time, "I'm grieving too."  That particular time, I simply couldn't take it and told her that if she wouldn't listen to me, if she couldn't not make it about her very real, deep, devastating grief, then I was going to have to hang up the phone and stop talking just then.  That really jarred her and she begged me not to hang up and said she'd listen.  She did and then we talked.  That was the day she began to understand the difference between her loss of just about the best dad in the world and my loss of just about everything.

[Rhonda R]

His son, who has lived in Texas for four years, and had basically nothing to do with him before that, told me once, "You aren't the only one grieving."  This time, it was his brother in law who said, "Yeah, we all miss him. He was one of a kind for sure."  There are times, I literally want to throw a temper tantrum.  How can I get it across to all of you, we shared a loving, intimate relationship that he didn't share with ANYONE else.  I feel like if I could just find the right words, they would finally get it.   

I saw my therapist today and asked her when the anger was going to be done?  I'm so angry, about everything.  It's always bubbling right under the surface.  She told me there is a need for my anger right now...anger is energy and probably the thing that allows you to get out of bed every morning and keep living.  In time, when you are ready, it will subside and make room for other emotions.  Can't wait! (sarcasm noted I hope) 

[KayC]

To have someone always making it about THEM is hard to listen to.  I know not to justify myself to them and yet sometimes we just can't take listening to that one more time!  In my family, as much as they love me and try to be supportive, they have no clue what this is like...none whatsoever.  They all still have their partner.  

Yesterday I took a group of ladies to our monthly luncheon in Creswell, about an hour away. We were sitting around the table getting ready to eat and a new widow to our group prayed for those who have lost their spouse.  Afterwards someone said, "You do realize that EVERYONE but one person here has lost their spouse?!"  There were seven around the table.  I have a lot of widowed friends, that helps...we all get it and don't have to say a word, we know the others get it, we all live this life.

[Glolilly]

That statement above seems to "shut the door" to further conversation about  personal dark and raw feelings. It's like we're the same and it's simple and neatly packaged. Let's keep it clean, cut and not messy and categorized as the rest. Once at a sports game, my brother-in-law told me that he and siblings felt they hurt more than me, their hearts were damaged. Teacher colleagues and former students told me they would never forget Coach Lilly. I appreciate the love and respect shown to my dearly departed spouse, but as you said, he was my entire life, not a part of my life. We were one. I kept trying to describe my loss as a half of my body missing. I was so surprised to read later that other widows also described their loss as a missing body part. They really were our other half. It's been 22 months and its still so tough to overcome the huge void and missing pieces left behind. God bless us all.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Glolilly said:

Once at a sports game, my brother-in-law told me that he and siblings felt they hurt more than me, their hearts were damaged.

Wow!  I think I would have told him, "Thank you for devaluing my immense grief."   Of course I get caught off guard and can't think of a retort until later.  

12 hours ago, Glolilly said:

he was my entire life, not a part of my life.

Exactly.

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Glolilly said:

That statement above seems to "shut the door" to further conversation about  personal dark and raw feelings.

I'm afraid that's the reaction I had too.  Here's a new widow just trying to make it through the day, praying for everyone who has lost their spouse, and instead of a response like, "We can all use those prayers," she gets shut down with what kind of seems a snappish, dismissive remark.

Maybe she knew they were "all but one" widows and maybe she didn't.  And IMO, a lunch outing is not the time to go into the darkness, but gosh, that response seems unnecessarily harsh.  She was offering a prayer, for pity's sake.  Even just a, "Would you like to talk later?" would have been more kind.

But I know I don't always respond in a kind or rational way to things.  I was talking to my SIL (his sister, to whom we are very close and who I love very much), and she was bugging the crap out of me trying to be supportive, but not fully listening to my feelings.  I know, absolutely know, her intent was to be kind and that she was worried, but her trying to be positive for my sake just then, irked me.  I said something like, "I know that I will never be happy in the same way and I'm tired of people not understanding that.  I don't care if their asking 'How are you?' is sincere.  I don't want to hear that again."  One of the reasons I often change the subject to what's going on with whomever I'm talking to instead of myself is that, as I told her that night, there simply are no words in any language that truly express what this is like, that the only way to understand it is to experience it and, further, I didn't want her or anyone I love to "get it" the way I do.  I was not rude or nasty, but she could tell I was tired and annoyed.  Then she asked if I'm still coming here to talk to people who understand, if I'm still finding comfort and guidance, and she hoped that I am.  She was relieved, I think, when I told her yes.

Grief really is a mine field with no map and no easy way through it.

[Rhonda R]

It goes back to that, "Yeah, we miss him too."  I've worked in a prison for 30 years, I can be rather direct.  I probably would have said, "Oh, I didn't know you two were intimate.  I'm sorry.  I should have known his death would affect how you eat, how you sleep, what you watch on tv, what you eat, your social circle, your family relationships, your finances, your housing, your parenting, your health, how you spend your free time, your chores and how you even fill out a form for Pete's sake!"  I didn't know your marital status, taxes, beneficiaries, emergency contact, checking, savings and identity all changed when he died....I'm so sorry.  How insensitive of me! 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

the only way to understand it is to experience it

Recently when grieving my dog, my sister said I "shouldn't feel like that" and I told her that was an inappropriate response.  She said, "I can't tell you anything!" to which I replied, "No you can't, but I really appreciate your caring and being here for me." That softened it a bit.  I know people say things wanting to help but don't know how, I get that, but just being here means a lot to us.  Sometimes there's really nothing to be said.

53 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I'm sorry.  I should have known his death would affect how you...

It may be sarcastic which seldom has the effect we want, but it would get the point across!

[Rhonda R]

Kay, I'm so beyond hoping to get the effect I want.  Your dog was your companion, your friend, your protection and just got you.  The death of a pet after a family member dies is compounded.  I opens up old wounds, triggers old feelings and is another loss of something precious in your life.  No one should tell you how to feel.  My sister was very upset after her dog of 17 years died.  He was family and had been through so much with her.  I get that. 

[SLW]

Here is my 2 cents, for what it’s worth. I have learned that a lot of people just don’t know what to say to the griever. I know they want to help. That’s the small picture. The bigger quest for them, is getting YOU back to the person you were before the loss.

I also believe that they are scared and frightened, that they could lose their significant other at anytime. I have people who attended my wife’s memorial, who I have not heard from since. You’d think even a text saying “ I’m thinking of you” wouldn’t be to difficult. I rattled my brain wondering why the first few months. I’m done rattling. I’m putting my energy in to positive things. There are a select few who  keep in contact. I learned that when you are at your lowest, you find out fast, who your friends really are. To my fellow grievers , take comfort in the fact that this little community cares about you. We won’t abandon you. If a person sat with me for 2 hours and never said a word, that would be greater than sitting with me for 30 minutes and talking. And why oh why can’t people get it through their heads. You can’t fix me. I’m permanently broken. If you want to help me, then help me carry my pain and grief, instead of trying to make it go away.    Peace and love to my friends.        SLW

[Rhonda R]

SLW, very well stated. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, SLW said:

I learned that when you are your lowest, you find out fast, who your friends really are.

So true.  We learned long ago after my husband's bicycling accident and then a few years down the road when we both developed non-life-threatening medical conditions.  We lost many "friends" over that time, including a few family members.  But the small circle we kept is precious indeed.  Now, I've lost a few more people, but not close friends, and have had to toss a few people out of my life who dealt with my loss by pretending my husband never existed at all.

Still, I've developed a newer small circle of friends locally--very, as in we all live on the same block.  We had all started getting to be closer a few years before my love died.  During his cancer journey, a few reached out more.  After (isn't it funny how our worlds are now "before" and "after"?), I was basically a hermit for several months, but last winter ventured out a little.  They stepped up and now I have six people I can really count on to help, to be there, to let me be me, and who don't try to "fix" me.

Some days the lyrics for that song, "Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out" run through my mind.  I have a live recording of Eric Clapton performing it and can hear him singing it.  I think we here know, more than others, just how true it is.

3 hours ago, SLW said:

The bigger quest for them, is getting YOU back to the person you were before the loss.

This is one of the great myths of grieving, I think.  We will never be who we were before.  Those who haven't gone through it often have trouble accepting that we aren't going to, in fact wouldn't even be able to, morph back just to make them more comfortable around us.

 

3 hours ago, SLW said:

You can’t fix me. I’m permanently broken. If you want to help me, then help me carry my pain and grief, instead of trying to make it go away.

Yes.  I wish I could get more people to fully get that.

 

[foreverhis]

On 11/19/2019 at 2:13 PM, KayC said:

Recently when grieving my dog, my sister said I "shouldn't feel like that" and I told her that was an inappropriate response.

You "shouldn't feel" that way?  Excuse me?  Feelings don't need reasons, they simply are.  Every feeling is always valid.  We might wish we didn't feel a certain way, but that's a different thing entirely.

You were nicer than I would have been, I think.  Our Charlie, like your Arlie, was more than just a dog.  He was one in a million and the most wonderful companion, a treasured member of our "pack," very intelligent, funny and stubborn, and a love of all our lives.  It's a good thing no one reacted to us like your sister did to you.  My sister knew Charlie from the time he was a tiny pup and she adored him.  He adored all his "girls" and was the second "man" of the house with my husband as alpha dog. 

Charlie died of an embolism, so it was sudden.  We were in shock and absolutely devastated.  But almost worse was that I had to go over to my mom's house and tell her.  My dad had died of a series of strokes only 4 months earlier and my mom, who could be pretty prickly with people, loved Charlie a lot.  She would take him for walks, come over and sit with him when we were away for a weekend, and was simply calmer and more centered around him.  Then I had to call my sister.  By then, she and her husband had a treasured pup of their own, but she was still really upset.  And finally, we had to call our daughter, who completely lost it on the phone.  Not a single person in our lives minimized the tremendous loss.  If they had, I fear I would have lashed out in a way I usually only think about saying or doing.

[KayC]

On 11/21/2019 at 7:22 AM, SLW said:

The bigger quest for them, is getting YOU back to the person you were before the loss.

And what they can't realize is that we will never be as before the loss.

On 11/21/2019 at 7:22 AM, SLW said:

when you are at your lowest, you find out fast, who your friends really are.

 

On 11/21/2019 at 7:22 AM, SLW said:

If a person sat with me for 2 hours and never said a word, that would be greater than sitting with me for 30 minutes and talking.

 

On 11/21/2019 at 7:22 AM, SLW said:

You can’t fix me. I’m permanently broken

 

On 11/21/2019 at 7:22 AM, SLW said:

If you want to help me, then help me carry my pain and grief, instead of trying to make it go away

All of this, so well stated.

[JessesRichard]

I get similar comments from well meaning friends and family and I feel guilty for even bringing up the anguish I’m feeling.  My husband was/is everything to me. This quote from John O’Donahue’s poem “For Grief” helps somewhat:

And though this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens

 

It’s true, no one knows

[TLN]

There are some who refuse to reason; I find with these it is better to let them alone. Further contact, sadly, is pointless; they have set their mind to their own way. Here's to always searching for the one who understands. Love, TLN.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, JessesRichard said:

I get similar comments from well meaning friends and family and I feel guilty for even bringing up the anguish I’m feeling.  My husband was/is everything to me. This quote from John O’Donahue’s poem “For Grief” helps somewhat:

And though this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens

 

It’s true, no one knows

Thank you for sharing this.  If/when you are ready, I hope you'll share your story with us, and continue to come here to read/post, as it can help us to know that through such expression, we need not feel alone in this.  Here are others who "get it" and understand as often our friends/family cannot, not having suffered losses like ours yet.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.