New Here. New to loss of precious daughter.

[Zoes_Momma]

Hello all,

I have never posted to a forum before so I apologize in advance for my lack of knowledge on procedure.

I lost my beautiful daughter, Zoë Elise, at the tender age of 21, on October 1st, 2010, at 7:57 a.m. She was diagnosed with an extremely rare and aggressive form of cancer called Pheochromocytoma. She was diagnosed 10 days before her 21st birthday and died 5 weeks later. She left behind a young husband, Aaron, and their 16 month old son, Riley, as well as her little sisters, Tyler (19 and living with me), and Alana (9, half-sister living in CA with dad and her mother). And she left me. We had just begun that wonderful new phase where mother/daughter turns to woman to woman friendship.

I can always tell anyone the number of months and days since she has been gone. I wake many mornings with one sentence screaming in my head: She's dead. And it continues to scream that knowledge to me throughout the day.

I am no longer a good mother to her sister. I cannot relate to anyone I know. I have pushed away all friends and family. I find I make everyone uncomfortable because they want to help me and yet they cannot. I am so tired of trying to "be okay" for them. I have become exhausted trying to explain myself. I have nothing left inside to give to anyone. Even to myself. I feel dead inside and long to be with her.

How do I go on in this new and horrifying life? How did you?

Photo: Zoë (l) and her sister, Tyler ®

[shellyku]

Dear Zoe's Mom - My heart goes out to you and your family for the loss of your precious daughter.

I lost my 29 year old daughter, Sarah, on August 18, 2010. She died of leukemia. I so know your

feelings of emptiness and loss. Even these nearly 8 months later, I still can't believe it! There are

so many people here who have lost a child, and they are all so kind and comforting. They know!

Next time you log on, please click on "Loss of an Adult Child", and you will find others who will

accompany you on this awful journey and listen to whatever it is you need to say. Please share more

of your Zoe when you feel able. I will be thinking of you and I wish you peace, even if it is in inches.

[dwsmithrn]

dear zoe's mom...i am sosorry for the loss of your precious daughter....i know your pain, and i feel the same way day after day after day....

i lost my beautiful son, nathan, just 12 weeks ago. he was sick and he took his own life. it makes it so hard for me to accept that i could not help my child...i should have know that something was wrong with my son, that i should have done something to help him, to protect him, and i didn't, i couldn't....i carry so much guilt on top of the earth shattering pain this grief has left within me. i feel empty, lonely, heart broken, shattered, and can not find my way again. i have 3 children, their spouses, 6+ grandchildren and i can't be a mom, grandmother or even a wife right now, so that just adds to the guilt and the pain i am feeling. my husband has been my rock, but i am not the wife he has known all these years. i want to be who i used to be, but i am so lost. i feel like an empty can with skin wrapped around it. if i could join my son, i would, but i can't, i have to be here, doing whatever it is i am supposed to do. i have no idea what that is, yet. i'm sure at some point i will find out. i don't feel it yet. i just stay at home, mostly in my bed, and cry and cry. i find it hard to sleep and i can't eat much. i am a nothing, zero, zip, and i don't know what i did to deserve that taking of my son.

if you feel like it, come to the adult loss site. there are so many wonderful people who are kind and caring and can help us there. they have helped me try to get one foot in front of the other so many times. don't believe i would be here today, if not for them giving me hope of another day...

try, if you want to see what is there......i hope to see you there......diane

[ericasmom]

Zoe's Mom, please do as Sarah's Mom said, go to loss of a child and then look for loss of an adult child, we are there, a very vociferous group, ready to hold hands of those new to this journey. How did we go on? moment by moment those first months dear, that first year is a bit of a blur but I will tell you and promise you that it will not always feel as it does now. It will be softer one day, and you will feel th esun on your cheeks again, you will appreciate the birds singing, not now but one day.I so know what you mean about the mom and daughter adult relationship, Eri and I were in that mode, we were finding our footing and enjoying the way our relationship was shifting...she was 19 when she was killed, she would be 27 now.

Peace one day

[Zoes_Momma]

Hello all. I didn't realize anyone had responded to my post. I feel much better knowing people care enough to write to me. Thank you all so much.

It's been one year, one month, and 11 days since Zoë died. Her birthday, August 20th, was the worst day so far. I felt as empty as I felt full on the day she was born. It was a shock and put me into a deep, dark, downward spiral of overwhelming sadness for weeks. As soon as I was able to pull myself up it was time for the one year anniversary of her death. Surprising to me, it wasn't as hard to get through as her birthday was. Some days I have to look at the photos of her in her "box" just to remind myself that she is really, truly gone. I am so very sad and lost without her. I miss her friendship. I miss being a good mother to her sister and a good daughter to my mom. I feel guilty for not being able to be stronger for others, but right now most of my energy goes into being strong enough to just breathe each day.

Again, thank you for your compassionate words and I am so sorry that we are all dealing with the horror of losing a child. Love and peace to you all. izzi

[Nicole's mom]

Hi,

I'm Joann and I am on here for my first time. I am desparately seeking a way to feel better myself. My daughter turned 21 April 23, 2011. She ended her own life on September 1, 2011. She was vibrant, smart, seemingly happy and had the world by the tail. None of us knew she was unhappy and the best way I can explain it is that it was an impulse decision. She was upset at the moment and apparently had been dabbling in taking xanex recreationally for 2 months. She obviously was not thinking straight and made a decision that she could not turn back from. She is the youngest of 4. She has 1 sister and 2 older brothers. We are all "lost" and are all dealing with her loss in different ways.

It feels like I'm going crazy. Some days are good, and some days are horible. I dont know how to tell others around me how to help me.

Reading about your story helps me to know that I am not alone. I am sorry for your feelings of loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. Even though your pain is only your own, please know that you are not crazy and you are not weak. This is a huge reality that is so hard to grasp. No one, absolutely no one can "get it". Lets do what we can to recover the best way we can. But whatever you do, do not give up. Dont give in to the "dark spots".

with love,

Joann aka Nicole's mom

Hello all. I didn't realize anyone had responded to my post. I feel much better knowing people care enough to write to me. Thank you all so much.

It's been one year, one month, and 11 days since Zoë died. Her birthday, August 20th, was the worst day so far. I felt as empty as I felt full on the day she was born. It was a shock and put me into a deep, dark, downward spiral of overwhelming sadness for weeks. As soon as I was able to pull myself up it was time for the one year anniversary of her death. Surprising to me, it wasn't as hard to get through as her birthday was. Some days I have to look at the photos of her in her "box" just to remind myself that she is really, truly gone. I am so very sad and lost without her. I miss her friendship. I miss being a good mother to her sister and a good daughter to my mom. I feel guilty for not being able to be stronger for others, but right now most of my energy goes into being strong enough to just breathe each day.

Again, thank you for your compassionate words and I am so sorry that we are all dealing with the horror of losing a child. Love and peace to you all. izzi

[Kenn]

Hi Nicole's mom. I read your post this morning and my heart went out to you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My daughter died July 26 from taking Soma, Xynax, and Oxycodone which were all prescribed to her. The day she died she got some heart breaking news that sent her into a deep depression. She cried all day, and during that time took the fatal mixture that poisoned her. I know it happened because she was hurting and thinking the meds was what she needed for the pain. Perhaps it was the same for your daughter. I think all of us have taken too much of some medication at some time, at least I know I have. When I was a young man I was hurt in a car wreck and in constant pain. I remember times when I would take 5 Stanback powders at one time. That is like taking 10 aspirins I hope you know. I wasn't doing it to try to kill myself, but to stop the pain. Had I had a bottle of xynax I would have ignorantly taken a hand full of them thinking it would help me. I'm not trying to make excuses for your daughter, but just sharing the thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss. Ken

Hi,

I'm Joann and I am on here for my first time. I am desparately seeking a way to feel better myself. My daughter turned 21 April 23, 2011. She ended her own life on September 1, 2011. She was vibrant, smart, seemingly happy and had the world by the tail. None of us knew she was unhappy and the best way I can explain it is that it was an impulse decision. She was upset at the moment and apparently had been dabbling in taking xanex recreationally for 2 months. She obviously was not thinking straight and made a decision that she could not turn back from. She is the youngest of 4. She has 1 sister and 2 older brothers. We are all "lost" and are all dealing with her loss in different ways.

It feels like I'm going crazy. Some days are good, and some days are horible. I dont know how to tell others around me how to help me.

Reading about your story helps me to know that I am not alone. I am sorry for your feelings of loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. Even though your pain is only your own, please know that you are not crazy and you are not weak. This is a huge reality that is so hard to grasp. No one, absolutely no one can "get it". Lets do what we can to recover the best way we can. But whatever you do, do not give up. Dont give in to the "dark spots".

with love,

Joann aka Nicole's mom

[Kenn]

Hi Zoes Moma, my heart goes out to you. The pain of losing a child will always be right there with us even though years may pass. When my brother died it was devastating for my mother. She still cries and talks about his passing as though it just happened and it has been several years. She was in her early 80'a and he was in his early 60's when he died. The pain is almost unbearable no matter what age we are. His death hurt me but i din't suffer the same way I saw my mom and sister's suffering. I really couldn't understand. It hurt me to see him suffering in death, but the deep debilitating hurt still wasn't there for me. When my daughter died it was different. The pain is worse than anything I have ever had to face. The deep hole in my heart that can't be filled will always be a part of me. It has almost been 6 months now and time has helped, but the longing still goes on. It is normal, and everyone who has lost someone they love deeply appears to go through the same thing. We are normal and we can forgive ourselves for experiences normal feelings. I'm glad to say that I do enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face. Time has made things easier. I really do like being able to smile again, and I hope that is also true for you.

Hello all,

I have never posted to a forum before so I apologize in advance for my lack of knowledge on procedure.

I lost my beautiful daughter, Zoë Elise, at the tender age of 21, on October 1st, 2010, at 7:57 a.m. She was diagnosed with an extremely rare and aggressive form of cancer called Pheochromocytoma. She was diagnosed 10 days before her 21st birthday and died 5 weeks later. She left behind a young husband, Aaron, and their 16 month old son, Riley, as well as her little sisters, Tyler (19 and living with me), and Alana (9, half-sister living in CA with dad and her mother). And she left me. We had just begun that wonderful new phase where mother/daughter turns to woman to woman friendship.

I can always tell anyone the number of months and days since she has been gone. I wake many mornings with one sentence screaming in my head: She's dead. And it continues to scream that knowledge to me throughout the day.

I am no longer a good mother to her sister. I cannot relate to anyone I know. I have pushed away all friends and family. I find I make everyone uncomfortable because they want to help me and yet they cannot. I am so tired of trying to "be okay" for them. I have become exhausted trying to explain myself. I have nothing left inside to give to anyone. Even to myself. I feel dead inside and long to be with her.

How do I go on in this new and horrifying life? How did you?

Photo: Zoë (l) and her sister, Tyler ®

[robyn]

Hello all,

I have never posted to a forum before so I apologize in advance for my lack of knowledge on procedure.

I lost my beautiful daughter, Zoë Elise, at the tender age of 21, on October 1st, 2010, at 7:57 a.m. She was diagnosed with an extremely rare and aggressive form of cancer called Pheochromocytoma. She was diagnosed 10 days before her 21st birthday and died 5 weeks later. She left behind a young husband, Aaron, and their 16 month old son, Riley, as well as her little sisters, Tyler (19 and living with me), and Alana (9, half-sister living in CA with dad and her mother). And she left me. We had just begun that wonderful new phase where mother/daughter turns to woman to woman friendship.

I can always tell anyone the number of months and days since she has been gone. I wake many mornings with one sentence screaming in my head: She's dead. And it continues to scream that knowledge to me throughout the day.

I am no longer a good mother to her sister. I cannot relate to anyone I know. I have pushed away all friends and family. I find I make everyone uncomfortable because they want to help me and yet they cannot. I am so tired of trying to "be okay" for them. I have become exhausted trying to explain myself. I have nothing left inside to give to anyone. Even to myself. I feel dead inside and long to be with her.

How do I go on in this new and horrifying life? How did you?

Photo: Zoë (l) and her sister, Tyler ®

Zoe's Momma,

I cried as I read your post. There is nothing that anyone can say to ease your pain right now. Coming in here to talk about it is a start, though. Talking is an under-rated therapy. I lost my baby girl on Nov. 22, 2011. She was just 33, vibrant, healthy and beautiful. There was no reason for it- she just went to sleep and didn't wake up. I raged like a lunatic, collapsed and cried until I couldn't any more, and finally turned to back to God- the only true sense of comfort I had.

It takes time to realize that our children don't really leave us, and what they leave us WITH is more valuable than gold. Know that here you will find some of the most understanding and kind people I have ever met. They will support you and help you through this awful time.

Much love,

Robyn

2 months, 10 days