Chosen Family

[Frazzling]

My mother-in-law is dying. Actually, she is my first mother-in-law. She came into my life when I met her son at age15, over 30 years ago, and despite a rocky marriage to her son, a subsequent divorce and all the pain encompassed in those difficult life events, she has never left my life in the 30 plus years since. But now she will be, through death.

My first-in-laws became my surrogate parents, because I had a mother who couldn't mother and had never had a father in my life. All these years later, I've been able to talk to Jean about anything .. the aftermath of that divorce, our mutual faith, family dynamics and dilemmas, the heartbreak of my non-relationship with my mother. I have never been able to call her my former m-i-l- or my ex m-i-l, even though I have been happily remarried for nearly 25 years and have a wonderful SECOND mother-in-law. Jean has always been, will always be, my FIRST mother-in-law.

I had one child by that first marriage, and these paternal grandparents were a major support system for my son when the marriage collapsed. Through all the difficulties that ensued, they were committed to keeping me "in the family" because I was their grandchild's mother .. even when they were angry with me because of my role in he marriage breakdown, and despite occasional opposition from other family members and their own pain brought about by the divorce.

I remarried, had two more children. And Jean and Scotty "adopted" these two children and called them grandchildren. They came to birthday parties. They gave hugs. They have always been Grandma and Grandpa to all three. What amazing blessings they gave my kids through their eagerness to extend their love to ALL my children. They grew up knowing that this Grandma and Grandpa cherished them.

When I became a Christian at age 42, Jean asked me questions about it. Our long, long conversations about Jesus and faith led to her re-connection with her own faith. She started attending my church, and I was privileged to attend her baptism when she was 82 .. the oldest Christian our pastor has ever baptised. Sharing our mutual faith has been a joy, and it is a comfort now, in the midst of this sadness, to know full well that Jean knows our Saviour and what's ahead for her.

Scotty, Jean's husband, had turned his back on faith and church years and years ago, but as Jean progressed with hers, he did a slow turn-about and also started attending our church .. and became a member of it. He came to her baptism .. an unexpected blessing for both Jean and I. He expressed his belief and his struggle to surrender to the King. We have the comfort, Jean and I, of knowing he's with the King now.

Scotty passed away a couple of years ago now, and I grieved the loss of a man as close as anyone will never be to being my dad, while helping my kids deal with the loss of this most important, invested grandfather. His death was not unexptected, because of his advanced age, and he went suddenly. That probably made things harder, as we all had so many more things to share with him.

Now, my dear Jean is dying, in hospital with congestive heart and organ failure. And I am so sad and brokenhearted. There will be no more "catch-up conversations" that go on for hours over the phone. I will have no further opportunities to just stop in for a visit. My visits now confined to her hospital bedside as she struggles to breath.

I am going to miss her so much.

I'm a daughter of her heart, family in her heart .. but not really family in anyone else's eyes except those of my children. That seems to be adding another .... element? .... to these sad, sad days. I want to be with Jean to give comfort, tell her I love her, help care for her .. but I am so self-conscious of being potentially seen as an intruder. Will her children continue to accept (and value) the relationship I've had with their mother, my first mother-in-law, as we all experience her dying and her loss? Will they continue to let me be at her bedside? Let my children say goodbye to this Grandma?

I am grateful to have found this site today, where I can attempt to express my broken-heartedness at losing someone who has cherished such a unique relationship with me. And to express the gratefulness I feel for having had this close relationship with her for all these years. I'm so glad that we've been able to express in the past how much we cherish each other .. and I am so sad and wishing that I had more time to tell her again and again. I've shared with her before how blessed I am to have her, and I am praying that my love for her, and my prayers, will comfort her even now.

Sad and struggling with words,

Yvonne

[ModKonnie]

My mother-in-law is dying. Actually, she is my first mother-in-law. She came into my life when I met her son at age15, over 30 years ago, and despite a rocky marriage to her son, a subsequent divorce and all the pain encompassed in those difficult life events, she has never left my life in the 30 plus years since. But now she will be, through death.

My first-in-laws became my surrogate parents, because I had a mother who couldn't mother and had never had a father in my life. All these years later, I've been able to talk to Jean about anything .. the aftermath of that divorce, our mutual faith, family dynamics and dilemmas, the heartbreak of my non-relationship with my mother. I have never been able to call her my former m-i-l- or my ex m-i-l, even though I have been happily remarried for nearly 25 years and have a wonderful SECOND mother-in-law. Jean has always been, will always be, my FIRST mother-in-law.

I had one child by that first marriage, and these paternal grandparents were a major support system for my son when the marriage collapsed. Through all the difficulties that ensued, they were committed to keeping me "in the family" because I was their grandchild's mother .. even when they were angry with me because of my role in he marriage breakdown, and despite occasional opposition from other family members and their own pain brought about by the divorce.

I remarried, had two more children. And Jean and Scotty "adopted" these two children and called them grandchildren. They came to birthday parties. They gave hugs. They have always been Grandma and Grandpa to all three. What amazing blessings they gave my kids through their eagerness to extend their love to ALL my children. They grew up knowing that this Grandma and Grandpa cherished them.

When I became a Christian at age 42, Jean asked me questions about it. Our long, long conversations about Jesus and faith led to her re-connection with her own faith. She started attending my church, and I was privileged to attend her baptism when she was 82 .. the oldest Christian our pastor has ever baptised. Sharing our mutual faith has been a joy, and it is a comfort now, in the midst of this sadness, to know full well that Jean knows our Saviour and what's ahead for her.

Scotty, Jean's husband, had turned his back on faith and church years and years ago, but as Jean progressed with hers, he did a slow turn-about and also started attending our church .. and became a member of it. He came to her baptism .. an unexpected blessing for both Jean and I. He expressed his belief and his struggle to surrender to the King. We have the comfort, Jean and I, of knowing he's with the King now.

Scotty passed away a couple of years ago now, and I grieved the loss of a man as close as anyone will never be to being my dad, while helping my kids deal with the loss of this most important, invested grandfather. His death was not unexptected, because of his advanced age, and he went suddenly. That probably made things harder, as we all had so many more things to share with him.

Now, my dear Jean is dying, in hospital with congestive heart and organ failure. And I am so sad and brokenhearted. There will be no more "catch-up conversations" that go on for hours over the phone. I will have no further opportunities to just stop in for a visit. My visits now confined to her hospital bedside as she struggles to breath.

I am going to miss her so much.

I'm a daughter of her heart, family in her heart .. but not really family in anyone else's eyes except those of my children. That seems to be adding another .... element? .... to these sad, sad days. I want to be with Jean to give comfort, tell her I love her, help care for her .. but I am so self-conscious of being potentially seen as an intruder. Will her children continue to accept (and value) the relationship I've had with their mother, my first mother-in-law, as we all experience her dying and her loss? Will they continue to let me be at her bedside? Let my children say goodbye to this Grandma?

I am grateful to have found this site today, where I can attempt to express my broken-heartedness at losing someone who has cherished such a unique relationship with me. And to express the gratefulness I feel for having had this close relationship with her for all these years. I'm so glad that we've been able to express in the past how much we cherish each other .. and I am so sad and wishing that I had more time to tell her again and again. I've shared with her before how blessed I am to have her, and I am praying that my love for her, and my prayers, will comfort her even now.

Sad and struggling with words,

Yvonne

Yvonne,

You've written an absolute wonderful testimony about two amazing people. You should share this with Jean's family and express how worried you are that they may not allow you and your children to be there for her even though she has been there for you.

If her children are like her, then things should be okay.

Have they caused problems with you in the past? Are they resentful of your relationship in any way?

I hope that since you bring comfort to Jean, and she truly loves you and your family, that her family will respect that.

I am very sorry you have to deal with this issue on top of your grieving.

ModKonnie