A year now

[KylieR14]

It's been more than a year since my angel, my fiancé and the love of my life passed. It's more than year but still the loneliness, the pain and the heartache are all ever present. I still cry oftentimes and think about him every single day. I wonder how others can easily move on and find someone. Will I ever be okay? I know I can never find someone like my baby. My heart hurts tremendously and all I can do is talk to him and cry until I get tired. There's a hole in my heart that can never be filled. I love him so much and I miss him a lot. 

[Brazil Man]

For me it's 16 monhs since my beloved wife passed away. The pain never goes away and I cry everyday. I don't want anybody else and I know nobody will
replace my beloved wife. My heart goes out to you.

Moises 

[foreverhis]

@KylieR14  Hello.  I could have written every word you did.  It's going on 15 months for me and I miss my husband every bit as much as I did the first day I woke up knowing I was alone.

As for moving on, I honestly do not believe anyone who finds himself or herself here thinks that will happen.  Yes, people do seem to "move on," but they are not us.  They are the people who had what I call more "surface" relationships.  The only other woman I know my age who has lost her husband is somewhat like that.  I have no doubt that she and her husband loved each other.  They were married for 35 years and theirs was a companionable, happy relationship.  But I'm not at all sure they were soul mates.  Even my sister-in-law has commented on it.  She said she looked at the marriage her brother and I had and realizes that she will never have that with her husband.

We don't move on or "get over it" or any such nonsense.  What I'm trying to do, what I believe we all should try to do, is learn to live with the grief and loss.  It is not something that can be fixed or that ends, but that simply exists.  For me, things are a little bit better than they were a year ago.  My grief is not so desperately raw and heavy all the time, but it is always there.  The loneliness, the pain, the heartbreak, and more are simply parts of the life we must live now.  I don't mean that to sound defeatist, but I think we must be realistic.  I do not ever expect to be happy in the same way I was before, but I can hope to be happier than I am now.  Of course that's not really saying much considering all, but any little baby step is progress.

I talk to my husband every day.  I cry every day, sometimes softly and sometimes big wracking sobs that will not be contained.  Just because a year has gone by does not mean we should be or expect to be somehow "over it."  The process of grieving is long and it will not be rushed.  Some days I have to intentionally narrow my focus and think only about what is happening in that moment because otherwise I can't function at all.  In some ways, it seems like he's been gone forever, as if he was never here at all.  In other ways, my world has simply stopped turning and everything feels just as it did that first morning.

No, you will never find a love like the one you lost.  I will not find another love like my husband.  Every person we love and the way we love them is different.  That's one reason I think people should never rush into a new relationship.  The expectation of filling a void is almost certain to be a disappointment in nearly every way and very unfair to a new person.

It seems to me that you are perfectly normal in your grieving, if normal can even be applied to it.  Perhaps the best I can say is that I am right here on the path with you.  When you are here you are never alone.

[KayC]

On 9/29/2019 at 4:18 AM, KylieR14 said:

I know I can never find someone like my baby.

No, we can't replace our partners...I can't even replace my dog!  In the beginning it is such a shock, but even worse it seems, is the trying to live without them year after year.  We do some adjusting and try our best, but I wouldn't say it ever gets easy, we just get a bit more used to it.  

 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It seems to me that you are perfectly normal in your grieving, if normal can even be applied to it.  Perhaps the best I can say is that I am right here on the path with you.  When you are here you are never alone.

Amen!

[Makaren]

It will be one year for me on Saturday.  I guess I'm doing as well as can be expected but every day is lonely.  I miss my husband's energy, his presence.  That void will never be filled but I am trying to figure out how to be a person on my own instead of part of a couple.  Since I retired we were together 24/7.  I had a meltdown last Friday in the car on the way home from exercise.  I had a good cry but several things came out that surprised me.  I hate parts of my life, I hate being alone and sometimes I hate being alive.  I shared that with my daughter but assured her I wasn't suicidal.  I'm just frustrated.  I don't know if I'll ever feel "normal" again.  Am I stagnating?  No.  I go through the motions and try to take care of myself.  I see friends.  I guess it will just be hard until it isn't.  Who knows how long that's going to take.

[KylieR14]

@Brazil Man @foreverhis @KayC @Makaren Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes I ask myself if im getting crazy for feeling like this. Now I can somehow say that im not exaggerating things with my grief cause I think others are expecting me to get over it. But I just cant no matter what I do. Cant force myself to do it. Sometimes I do ask myself when is enough. Im only 30 and my friends are urging me to find new love interest but i just cant imagine being with someone else. I will be deceiving myself if I do it knowing that it's always my baby whom i'll ever think of everyday. 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, KylieR14 said:

Now I can somehow say that im not exaggerating things with my grief cause I think others are expecting me to get over it.

The people you know and society in general expect us to "get over it" and "move on" because either they haven't been in the situations we are, haven't "been there, lived that" as we are, or our grief makes them uncomfortable, reminds them that we are all mortal, and forces them to realize that someday it probably will happen to them.   In many cases, it's likely all those things.  As a society, we suck at understanding and handling death and grief, so we are largely unprepared for it and have no idea how to support others through it.

Fortunately, here we have each other and a community of people who not only understand, but are living with the unbearable loss of our soul mates.  The benefit of this forum cannot be overstated.  It's very literally a life saver for many of us.

[Rhonda R]

Ahhh....the magical one year mark, or so that's what everyone seems to think.  Oh, she made it through a year without him, she's good to go.  Like foreverhis, the grief isn't as raw as it used to be but I carry it with me every place I go.  I'm 51 years old and everyone tells me I need to find someone new.  Am I ready to date yet, because they have someone perfect for me.  No, you don't.  He died and how dare you ask me that.  We didn't break up, he died.  Quit comparing it to your breakup.  He's not a broken dish, I can't just replace him.  He was everything to me.  He was the best part of every day and my future.  Just his presence in a room made me feel better.  I knew no matter what happened in life, we would face it together.  I feel so empty inside and I also know, no one is going to fill that void inside me.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but it will be my decision, whatever that may be.  If I decide to live my life on my own, that's my choice.  It makes me angry when someone who has never been through this tells me how to deal with it....really?  If my grief makes them uncomfortable, I'm sorry for that but it's a part of me now.  It will always be a part of who I am and I'm just trying to learn to live with it. 

[KayC]

Kylie,

I want to leave you with this too, it may be too soon for you to absorb much, it's meant to print out and save, read every few months, different things strike you at different times on your journey...I hope something helps you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JES]

@KylieR14 I too recently passed the one year mark of the loss of my beloved husband.  I have my good days and my not so good days. I still love and miss him dearly.  I find I am much more emotional over little things that never wouldve bothered me before.....I am a different person then I was before.  Losing him has changed me forever.  I know that no one will ever compare to him,  when you' ve had that one true love it can never be replaced. I still talk to him all the time,  ask him what he would do in situations,  and at times, I tell him thats its not fair that Im here by myself.  I find myself thinking more about his struggles the last two years of his life.  That one year mark brings it all back in force.  I try to be positive..it gets me through...I treasure my friends and family more now. I try to be a better person, to have more patience,  to see the better in others and to appreciate the ones I do have.  I guess Im trying to live my life in the best way I know how now,  but a part of my heart is still missing him badly and always will.  Thoughts and prayers for all. Jeanne

[KylieR14]

@JES yes.you actually pretty summed everything. I exactly feel the same. I hope and pray things will be better for all of us here. I keep on telling myself, although i cant see him maybe he's with me every step of the way..waiting for me after all. 

 

[Makaren]

On 10/4/2019 at 12:02 PM, KylieR14 said:

@JES yes.you actually pretty summed everything. I exactly feel the same. I hope and pray things will be better for all of us here. I keep on telling myself, although i cant see him maybe he's with me every step of the way..waiting for me after all.

Yesterday was the end of the first year for me.  The actual day was less traumatic than I expected because I had my meltdowns during the week previous.  @JES, I could have written every word of your post.  I'm glad to be able to come here and find people who understand.  We all move through this at our own pace but it helps to have access to those who know precisely where our heads are.  Thanks to all of you and healing energy.

[KayC]

On 10/4/2019 at 12:02 PM, KylieR14 said:

although i cant see him maybe he's with me every step of the way..waiting for me after all. 

That is a comforting thought.

[Rhonda R]

Makaren - the day was less traumatic for me as well, maybe because I was expecting it to be and like you, the days leading up to it were so tough, reliving where we were and what we were doing a year ago that day.  It's the little things that pop up out of the blue that I'm not expecting that take my breath away.  Someone you haven't seen for years who asks you how your husband is doing?  What trip are you two planning this year? 

I want to believe he is with me every step of the way.  I don't want him to see me on my really bad days because I don't want him to be sad. Can he see me?  What are things like for him?  Does he check in periodically?  Does he have to ask for an update on me?  Does he have to pass messages to me through God or can he send them directly?  I'm obsessed with these thoughts lately,

[KylieR14]

@Rhonda R yes me too. I've been having that thoughts lately. I actually would like to consult a psychic medium. I don't know if it will help?  I would go miles just to feel him again and talk to him. I might sound so desperate. But what will I even lose?

[Rhonda R]

I too would love to talk to a medium but just be cautious there are a lot of fakes.  They would have to tell me something that only he and I would know for me to believe it.  Randy has come to me in my dreams, I know he is gone but he looks just like the old Randy.  Healthy and strong.  I've held him and it feels so real.  He tells me he will always be there for me but he can't stay.  He tells me he is feeling good and that he loves me.  Before Randy died, I specifically asked him to come to me in my dreams because I was going to need him and he told me he would try. 

[Makaren]

On 10/7/2019 at 1:34 PM, Rhonda R said:

Makaren - the day was less traumatic for me as well, maybe because I was expecting it to be and like you, the days leading up to it were so tough, reliving where we were and what we were doing a year ago that day.  It's the little things that pop up out of the blue that I'm not expecting that take my breath away.  Someone you haven't seen for years who asks you how your husband is doing?  What trip are you two planning this year? 

I want to believe he is with me every step of the way.  I don't want him to see me on my really bad days because I don't want him to be sad. Can he see me?  What are things like for him?  Does he check in periodically?  Does he have to ask for an update on me?  Does he have to pass messages to me through God or can he send them directly?  I'm obsessed with these thoughts lately,

I suppose it depends on your belief system but I know that when I see an old car or a street rod when I'm out and about, Chuck is waving to me.  Love doesn't end with death.  I think they can make themselves known but I think they do it very judiciously so we aren't tempted to hang back and not move on.  Everyone has their beliefs and these are some of mine.