I don't think I can do this anymore!

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. My name is Tony and I lost my perfect 7 year old son on December 4, 2010. His name was Brendan and he has been gone for four months today. Brendan was my son, my shadow and my best friend in the world. I can't believe we have been without him for four months now. I am terrified by the way I feel. I am terrified that I don't feel any better today than I did two months ago. I miss my son so badly that I don't know how to do anything, but think about my son and cry for him. My son died on the first snowfall of the year. We had just gotten home from basketball camp on a Saturday morning. We had maybe an inch of snow on the ground. He was so excited to play in the snow. I dropped him off and told him I had to run off to a meeting. He wanted me to play in the snow with him, but I told him I would be right back. I told him I would be back in an hour to play in the snow. My last words to my beloved son was "Keep your little brother away from the road in case the snowplow comes past". Then I said I would be right back and I told my two boys that I loved them. My wife had them outside playing in the driveway when Brendan ran over to our neighbors house. He asked to go for a snowmobile ride. Long story short, Brendan accidentally grabbed the throttle and the snowmobile flipped onto his stomach causing massive internal injuries. By the time I got toe the ER my son had taken his last breath.

I can't believe my son is gone. How have any of you made it through this ordeal. I honestly don't think that I can do this anymore. I beg God to take me so I can be with my Brendan. I know my youngest son and wife need me, but my mind won't allow me to think of anything or anyone except for my Brendan. I am scared of the future. I am scared to live. I am scared that something bad will happen to my youngest son. I just don't know what to do. I am so lost, lonely and broken.

Brendan's Daddy

[andy88]

Hi Brendan's Daddy,

My heart aches for you. I lost my only child, my beautiful 22-year-old son, Andy, 7 weeks ago. Yes, this is horrible, there's no getting around it., and please hang in there. Have you talked to a therapist? That's helped me some. Please join us at Loss of an Adult Child...altho your sweet son was not an adult, that is the main gathering place for all of us. You will find caring, loving people there whom you can talk to, cry to, yell to, and say Brendan's name over and over to. It's a group of people who can understand as no one who hasn't experienced this profound loss ever can. I wish I had some magic words for you, but I don't. This just takes time, and a long time, I am learning. We will have good days and dark days, but we can go on. We can go on and we must. I am still deep in grief. I am now childless, and my greatest joy in life was being Andy's Mom. I am also divorced, so I am very much alone. But I believe good things can still happen for us, for you. I believe our children are joyfully playing in heaven and they want us to be happy. This site has gotten me through these dark days...let us all help you carry your burden. My deepest sympathy to you. I care. We all do.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[shorty16]

Brendan's Dad,

So sorry you have to be here. 4 months is a blink-of-an-eye on this grief journey. You are being to hard on yourself. At 4 months, I still cried every day and spent much of my time in the fetal position.

At about 4-5 months, the shock begins to wear off and the reality of our lose weighs heavy on our hearts and minds and bodies.

Please be kind to yourself. It is like a movie playing over and over again in your head and you cannot stop it. One day, a little point of light will show through this darkness and (just for 1 sec) you will not think of Brendan being gone. This 1 sec turns into 2 seconds and that is how we make it through this.

This process does not take days or weeks, it takes months and years.

Please tell us about your little boy. I post on Loss of an Adult Child. My son was 16 when he decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" decided to drive 68 mph into a tree (June 19, 2008). The accident scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

We are here for you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ModKonnie]

Hello everybody. My name is Tony and I lost my perfect 7 year old son on December 4, 2010. His name was Brendan and he has been gone for four months today. Brendan was my son, my shadow and my best friend in the world. I can't believe we have been without him for four months now. I am terrified by the way I feel. I am terrified that I don't feel any better today than I did two months ago. I miss my son so badly that I don't know how to do anything, but think about my son and cry for him. My son died on the first snowfall of the year. We had just gotten home from basketball camp on a Saturday morning. We had maybe an inch of snow on the ground. He was so excited to play in the snow. I dropped him off and told him I had to run off to a meeting. He wanted me to play in the snow with him, but I told him I would be right back. I told him I would be back in an hour to play in the snow. My last words to my beloved son was "Keep your little brother away from the road in case the snowplow comes past". Then I said I would be right back and I told my two boys that I loved them. My wife had them outside playing in the driveway when Brendan ran over to our neighbors house. He asked to go for a snowmobile ride. Long story short, Brendan accidentally grabbed the throttle and the snowmobile flipped onto his stomach causing massive internal injuries. By the time I got toe the ER my son had taken his last breath.

I can't believe my son is gone. How have any of you made it through this ordeal. I honestly don't think that I can do this anymore. I beg God to take me so I can be with my Brendan. I know my youngest son and wife need me, but my mind won't allow me to think of anything or anyone except for my Brendan. I am scared of the future. I am scared to live. I am scared that something bad will happen to my youngest son. I just don't know what to do. I am so lost, lonely and broken.

Brendan's Daddy

Brendan's Daddy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Brendan. There are many parents here who have lost their beloved children. They will be able to offer you encouragement and support as you learn to move forward.

How are the rest of your family coping? Do you have a support system of any type at home? Friends?

We will be here to lean on.

ModKonnie

[Brendan's Daddy]

My family is having a very difficult time with this. My mom and dad are both very deeply depressed. I think it is very hard for them to see their son in the condition I am in. Then to top it off they were extremely close with Brendan. Brendan was just that type of kid. He made everybody feel loved. My dad was not shy when saying that God took his favorite Grandchild. Sometimes I feel like my grief and presence is just making things worse for my family. I bring my parents down and I think I even bring my wife and little boy down sometimes.

My son Jackson is struggling without his big brother. They were very close. He just doesn't understand why his big Brother is not coming home. My wife is struggling as well. She can't even go outside yet at our home. She has post traumatic stress from the day of the accident.

My friends have mostly stopped calling. I don't think they know what to say. I am so grateful for this board. I am using this to get some feelings out. I don't have a lot of people to just talk to or cry to.

Tony- Brendan's daddy

[dwsmithrn]

tony....i know exactly how you feel, i really do....since nathan left us, 10 weeks ago, i haven't been able to leave the house either....i have been out maybe 3 times, other than the services....and i have to have either my daughter or husband with me, or i will have an anxiety attack....i hate this new life...i hate the word 'grief'....my children don't even like to be around me....i am sad, depressed and not the same mom i used to be....how could i be? i lost a child, a part of me....my heart is shattered....i am changed forever...i will never be the same....there is a book i have read on grief and it says it takes a good 1-2 years just to feel like you can 'manage' your life again....i don't see it, but i am willing to stick it out to see if i can be a mom again....i am fortunate that my husband has been loving and supportive with my grief....he is grieving also, but in a different way. nathan is his stepson, but they were very close and he is missing him, too. we can talk about it and about nathan, and that helps, even though we cry about it, too....and that does help....i am mostly sad, i haven't gone back to work yet. i only worked part-time in my husband's office, and when i do go back, i am only going to work 1 1/2 days....i am already anxious about that.....i am so sorry you are so sad, but i do know what it is like to feel so helpless and feel your heart and life has been shattered....please hang in there.....please go see your doctor and try to get something to help you with your anxiety....it won't take your grief away, but maybe help get you from one hour to the next.

when nathan took his life, he wasn't thinking about how it would leave his family, his mother....how much he would hurt us...and this has shattered my heart....i have 3 other children, 6 grandchildren with a 7th on the way....i can't even function and give to them what they need...their mom is not here for them, and they need me....they want their mom back, and while they understand i will never be the same, they want some part of me back....nathan was sick, and we did not know how sick he was at the time...he hid his depression so well behind his beautiful smile....he didn't share with us his pain.....and now he is gone, so now i have to bear the guilt that i, his mother, did not save him, could not save him....and i am forever haunted with this.....i know it is not my fault, but i will bear this in my heart forever....

i hope, tony, that you will go see your doctor....your family needs you, too.....your wife and little boy need you....as you can see, my family needs me, too...we have to hang on to that rope, and hang on tight....with the help of the indigo friends....we can get through each minute together, as tough as it may be, as sad as we may be, we have to hold on to one another's hands, and push through these darkest of moments....we have to.....people depend on us.....

i am thinking of you today and am hoping that today, you will put one foot in front of the other.....diane