Regrets that cannot be forgiven

[badsector00]

Hello everyone. This is a first time post here, so forgive me for going on and on or not knowing when to stop. I lost my Wife, my Soulmate, my best friend, etc,etc,etc 5 years ago. There were many good times, but what haunts me daily are the last 30 days of her life, watching her die a slow and agonizing death from esophageal cancer. I remember everything, and I mean everything. I am cursed with a nearly photographic memory, and it has become my pariah. i can only think of the regrets I had, that I could have been a better person to her, that we could have done more together, that I could have helped her more and the list just keeps getting longer. And during the last 15 days of her life she was not in any position to listen to my please of forgiveness. It is killing me. There is no way to resolve this in my mind, and quite frankly I would rather be dead than live with this regret. Is there anyone out there with advise, with similar situations that can give me some insight as to how to deal with this, because I feel like I am losing my mind and my will to go on is waning, daily. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this over. I understand it's difficult to listen to other people's problems, and I truly appreciate your time.

Unrelenting Regret.

[ModKonnie]

Hello everyone. This is a first time post here, so forgive me for going on and on or not knowing when to stop. I lost my Wife, my Soulmate, my best friend, etc,etc,etc 5 years ago. There were many good times, but what haunts me daily are the last 30 days of her life, watching her die a slow and agonizing death from esophageal cancer. I remember everything, and I mean everything. I am cursed with a nearly photographic memory, and it has become my pariah. i can only think of the regrets I had, that I could have been a better person to her, that we could have done more together, that I could have helped her more and the list just keeps getting longer. And during the last 15 days of her life she was not in any position to listen to my please of forgiveness. It is killing me. There is no way to resolve this in my mind, and quite frankly I would rather be dead than live with this regret. Is there anyone out there with advise, with similar situations that can give me some insight as to how to deal with this, because I feel like I am losing my mind and my will to go on is waning, daily. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this over. I understand it's difficult to listen to other people's problems, and I truly appreciate your time.

Unrelenting Regret.

There isn't a single one of us, who given the chance, wouldn't want to go back and be kinder, more loving, done more together, etc.... But we are all human, and we can't forsee what will happen. We get caught up in the current moment, and we have our bad days, we have are ugly moments, we have our lazy times, and we have our shortcomings. Those who love us forgive us for that. Don't you forgive those whom you love when they do something less than perfect? I'm sure she understood how much you loved her.

Honestly, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. You can't change things no matter what, so force yourself to stop dwelling on "what ifs" and the "could haves and should haves." Try to channel your photographic memory on the good times, the times you know you made your wife happy. Start listing all of those times in your mind instead of what may have not been your best moments. None of us are perfect--no not one.

We are glad you have come to share with us,

ModKonnie

[badsector00]

Thanks so much for your words, and I really do understand what you are saying. I wish the logic of what you are telling me would actually get through to me. However, I've found that emotionally I just can't wrap my mind around those facts. I feel so alone in my grief and regrets that I just want the angry, aggressive self-loathing to end. I'm not depressed, I don't feel that life is not worth living and I want to end it all. It's just the endless sadness is so profound that no matter how many good things I think of about my Wife the last days become so overwhelming that the sadness is unbearable. I know, that sounds pretty damned screwed up. I do know what you are trying to tell me, and it makes perfect sense, in a logical rational way. Unfortunately my emotions are not quite rational at the moment. At least I recognize I need help, and I am seeking it the best way I know how. Thank you again for your response, it does help beyond words.

Unrelenting Regret.

There isn't a single one of us, who given the chance, wouldn't want to go back and be kinder, more loving, done more together, etc.... But we are all human, and we can't forsee what will happen. We get caught up in the current moment, and we have our bad days, we have are ugly moments, we have our lazy times, and we have our shortcomings. Those who love us forgive us for that. Don't you forgive those whom you love when they do something less than perfect? I'm sure she understood how much you loved her.

Honestly, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. You can't change things no matter what, so force yourself to stop dwelling on "what ifs" and the "could haves and should haves." Try to channel your photographic memory on the good times, the times you know you made your wife happy. Start listing all of those times in your mind instead of what may have not been your best moments. None of us are perfect--no not one.

We are glad you have come to share with us,

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Thanks so much for your words, and I really do understand what you are saying. I wish the logic of what you are telling me would actually get through to me. However, I've found that emotionally I just can't wrap my mind around those facts. I feel so alone in my grief and regrets that I just want the angry, aggressive self-loathing to end. I'm not depressed, I don't feel that life is not worth living and I want to end it all. It's just the endless sadness is so profound that no matter how many good things I think of about my Wife the last days become so overwhelming that the sadness is unbearable. I know, that sounds pretty damned screwed up. I do know what you are trying to tell me, and it makes perfect sense, in a logical rational way. Unfortunately my emotions are not quite rational at the moment. At least I recognize I need help, and I am seeking it the best way I know how. Thank you again for your response, it does help beyond words.

Unrelenting Regret.

Hi again,

Your guilt and anger are actually normal parts of the grieving process. However, it sounds as though you can't move past those parts of the process, or you keep coming back to them. And I know you say that you don't feel depressed, but let me tell you about my personal experience. I experienced several losses and personal crises all at once about a year and a half ago. I became very very angry. I couldn't contain my explosive anger; it came out over the silliest of things. My anger started controlling my entire life, and then I started having stress related physical problems over getting all worked up--chest pains, anxiety attacks, sleeplessness, etc....

I finally went to my family doctor, who prescribed a low dose of a anti-depressive. At first, I refused to take it thinking, "But I'm not depressed...." He asked me to try it. Three weeks later, I went back to him to thank him. I have no clue how the medicine worked, but it did. While I am still dealing with the anger issue, it is back into perspective, and I find I can rationally think about the problems and discuss them with myself in my mind.

So, honestly, just consider the possibility of getting some medicine or outside help for your situation.

Also, do you get out at all? Do you get to a gym, church, the library, a club? Can you force yourself to walk around a mall and make eye contact with people? What about volunteering at a senior citizen center or a literacy center? Do you have any friends or family to talk to?

If you have become isolated because of your situation, then at least keep coming here to talk to us. By talking about this, you may be able to talk yourself into a rational thought process. You also may want to start keeping a journal of your feelings, and then go back and re-read it to see where you are at in this healing process.

Thanks for being here,

ModKonnie