How do I survive???

[BC143]

I lost my husband of 22 years suddenly 2 months ago. I am having a hard time accepting that he is not coming home ever again. He was away when he died and as of right now his cause of death is unknown. We are awaiting the results of his autopsy to see if something medical happened and he fell and hit his head or if he died from falling and hitting his head. I have nightmares reliving the moment the police came to my house to tell me he was gone. Not knowing how he died makes this all the more surreal. I still wait for the door to open and have him walk in from work, sometimes I really think it might happen.  In my head I try and understand that he is gone but my heart can not envision any kind of a life without him. I am 46 years old and the thought of a long future without him in it makes me lose my breath. We were inseparable since I was 18, I don't remember life without him in it.  We had a great marriage and have 2 wonderful children. How am I supposed to live without the man that I did everything with? Everyone keeps telling me I have to survive this to take care of our children and I understand that but what about me? No one asks if I want to survive this because right now I don't know that I can.  I feel like I am losing my mind pretending I understand I have to go on and yet wishing I would not wake up in the morning so that this pain will be over.  I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.  Everyone keeps asking me what I need and the only thing I need is him!

[Billie Rae]

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us,the lost.
You have found a safe,nonjudgmental place here with people that get it.
Each journey is different yet the same.
I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer on January 16.
I had just bought him a truck a year earlier and through his illness I kept it parked where he could see it.
After he was gone,when I came home from work I would see his truck and my heart would soar thinking he would be inside waiting for me only to feel the crushing heartbreak of an empty house.I had to move because I couldn't afford the house,it was no longer home anyway.But in my new apartment I still feel alone and going to an empty bed is torture.
For you there is the added burden of not knowing,I hope you get some answers soon,it probably won't help the pain,but you will know.
Stay here with us My love,rant,cry or share your life and memories with us.
We are all in this sad place together.
Take life one day one hour one minute at a time and above all feel what you need to feel,don't"be strong"as now is your time to process and grieve.This is the worst thing that can happen to us,not only have you lost him but your future has changed.
Feel our arms around you.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JoyR]

5 hours ago, BC143 said:

. Not knowing how he died makes this all the more surreal.

I'm sorry for your lost dear. I can completely understand that feeling.The not knowing. I pray it's natural and nothing awful. 

When you don't know it's a constant worry of how and what happened. Similar to traumatic loss. Try and wait for the results because otherwise it's torment and you'll think the worst.

Hope you find peace with this. The autopsy will offer some understanding or cause . It won't help completely but steps towards closure is what you're seeking.

 

[Kal1120]

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here. I have no idea how you survive. You just....somehow do. I lost my husband suddenly as well. It’s been a little over a year for me, and there are a lot of days that I still don’t want to believe it and wonder if I’m having some kind of mental crisis where I’ve imagined the whole thing. I have found this site to be of some comfort though. Maybe you will too. 

[KayC]

On 8/12/2019 at 6:24 AM, BC143 said:

I lost my husband of 22 years suddenly 2 months ago. I am having a hard time accepting that he is not coming home ever again. He was away when he died and as of right now his cause of death is unknown. We are awaiting the results of his autopsy to see if something medical happened and he fell and hit his head or if he died from falling and hitting his head. I have nightmares reliving the moment the police came to my house to tell me he was gone. Not knowing how he died makes this all the more surreal. I still wait for the door to open and have him walk in from work, sometimes I really think it might happen.  In my head I try and understand that he is gone but my heart can not envision any kind of a life without him. I am 46 years old and the thought of a long future without him in it makes me lose my breath. We were inseparable since I was 18, I don't remember life without him in it.  We had a great marriage and have 2 wonderful children. How am I supposed to live without the man that I did everything with? Everyone keeps telling me I have to survive this to take care of our children and I understand that but what about me? No one asks if I want to survive this because right now I don't know that I can.  I feel like I am losing my mind pretending I understand I have to go on and yet wishing I would not wake up in the morning so that this pain will be over.  I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.  Everyone keeps asking me what I need and the only thing I need is him!

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss.  I didn't meet my husband until I was 46...we knew each other only 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months...I thought we'd have so much longer. 

I ran across this article today and posted it for someone else...here it is: https://blog.aftertalk.com/how-do-i-live-without/

It's been 14 years and I want to be here for you the same as others were here for me when I first went through it.  It's kind of like driving across America with no road map, no GPS.  I had  not a clue where to start when it happened to me.  The single best piece of advice I got was to take one day at a time.  The second most important thing I learned was to look for something good in every day.  I'll leave you with this article I wrote at about ten years out of the things I'd found helpful, hoping something in it helps you today...something else perhaps later on.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Rhonda R]

BC143 - I felt exactly as you did.  It's like I'm reading my own words and yet, almost 15 months later, here I am.  I would wait for him to walk through the door and make a smart comment to me as he always did about supper being on the table or what had I been doing while he was gone.  I miss that so much.  As time goes on, the reality of my situation settled in just a little bit more every day.  I tried not to think about the future, it was all him and too overwhelming and heartbreaking.  I had to stay in the moment which meant I focused on one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.  Until you have lost your spouse or the love of your life, you don't get it.  It changes everything.  The way you eat, watch tv, what you watch, how you sleep, where you sleep, what you do in your free time, who you hang out with, literally everything.  Your emotions are ever changing and sometimes it's hard to keep up with what is going on inside yourself much less explain it to someone.  I was exhausted. 

You are important too.  It's so hard to meet your kids needs when you are so lost yourself.  Individual counseling helped me a ton.  I know I wouldn't be where I am today without it and without the support of others who know what I am feeling.  It can be so lonely and it helps to know there are others who understand how you are feeling and you are not crazy. 

At first, I didn't want to feel better because feeling better meant I was getting over him or moving on without him and I never wanted to do that.  Anyone who called me a widow almost got their head taken off....I'm still his wife.  The truth is, I'm both.  I'm a wife living without my husband.  I have moved forward but there is still not a day that I don't think about him, love him and want him back.  But I no longer stay in those moments very long because they don't get me anywhere and I can't continue to live in the past.  I'm learning that I need to move forward and figure out this next chapter on my own but I will be taking the love and all the memories with me every step of the way.  I still have bad days, yesterday was one of them.  But they come fewer and farther in between. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

At first, I didn't want to feel better because feeling better meant I was getting over him or moving on without him and I never wanted to do that.

That's how we think, but the truth is, we never get over them and sure don't "move on wilthout them".  We do need to learn how to get through the day and we do need to learn how to have good moments.  We have to learn how to function, to take care of ourselves, and yes, even give ourselves permission to smile again.  I read an article about that in the early months, I wish I'd have saved it, but I've found others that said similar.

http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

[Roya S]

On 8/12/2019 at 6:24 AM, BC143 said:

I lost my husband of 22 years suddenly 2 months ago. I am having a hard time accepting that he is not coming home ever again. He was away when he died and as of right now his cause of death is unknown. We are awaiting the results of his autopsy to see if something medical happened and he fell and hit his head or if he died from falling and hitting his head. I have nightmares reliving the moment the police came to my house to tell me he was gone. Not knowing how he died makes this all the more surreal. I still wait for the door to open and have him walk in from work, sometimes I really think it might happen.  In my head I try and understand that he is gone but my heart can not envision any kind of a life without him. I am 46 years old and the thought of a long future without him in it makes me lose my breath. We were inseparable since I was 18, I don't remember life without him in it.  We had a great marriage and have 2 wonderful children. How am I supposed to live without the man that I did everything with? Everyone keeps telling me I have to survive this to take care of our children and I understand that but what about me? No one asks if I want to survive this because right now I don't know that I can.  I feel like I am losing my mind pretending I understand I have to go on and yet wishing I would not wake up in the morning so that this pain will be over.  I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.  Everyone keeps asking me what I need and the only thing I need is him!

 

[Roya S]

 Oh dear. I am so sorry for your loss. At this moment do not think that much ahead. Just focus on one moment at a time.

then one day and do one next thing that you can.

of course it is scary And no matter what people tell you you are really hurt. I lost my husband that I knew for 28 years 3 months and a half ago and when people told me you live with his memories I cried more. I did not want just the memories. I wanted to continue making memories but the more you can get out of your head and in to your body and the moment and just do one thing at a time the easier it might pass. I was lucky that the funeral home gave me free help line on the phone and that has helped me a lot because friends and family can only do so much. I also joined a support group.

it is hard to make sense of it at first I acted as if he was here in the moment of darkness.

[KayC]

@Roya S I am so sorry for your loss...I have been having a hard time getting on this site and posting the last three hours as they've been upgrading and afterwards something wasn't working right, they're working to fix it.

I lost my husband 14+ years ago and 10 1/2 years ago I got this special dog, he was perfect for me, so much personality, we just went together...he died ten days ago (cancer) and I feel like I'm back to square one.  All of the stuff I've learned about grief is in my head but I still have to go through it, no way around the pain, my heart is broken in two.  Everything is a reminder of Arlie's being gone, my house feels like the light has gone out of it and my life feels empty again.  I never dreamed one could hurt so bad with losing their beloved dog, but I do.  I only pray my George has found him in heaven and taking care of him, he would love him to pieces.

No matter what anyone tries to say to bring comfort it seems to fall flat, as you say even being told to live with their memories...I have learned that what brings us pain and tears now brings a smile of comfort later but I don't know how long before it comes to that, a long time, our timelines are as unique as we are.

Hang in there, I hope you'll keep coming here...you've already learned the most essential thing I learned, and that was to take one day a time, less if need be.

I want to leave you with an article I wrote of the things I've learned that were helpful, hoping even one of those things will speak to you and help you on your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.