Continually Hurt

[ksiemb]

You have been gone for just over one and a half years my beloved Dolly but I am missing you so much every day and the hurting is over powering me. I am just so sad  honey. God bless you Dear, and I can not wait to be with you once again, and forever.  I still Love you with every bit of my broken heart.     Kenny
 

[KayC]

Kenny, your love is evident...such a hard thing to endure, I'm sorry.

[JES]

Kenny,  my heart hurts for you and for all of us on this long journey.  Thinking of you. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Kenny,my heart is with you and all of us suffering in this lonely journey
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Brazil Man]

I also lost my wife. It's a little more than 14 months today and the pain is still the same.
My heart goes out to you.      

[Rhonda R]

Has anyone on here ever heard of complex grief?  With complex grief, you re-live that raw emotion of losing your loved one every single day.  You can't move forward from that day and there is absolutely no joy in your life.  It exists, it is real, and it is very hard to move on from.  The research I've done points to the fact that this type of grief requires professional help.  If you are suffering from complex grief, please reach out for help. 

[foreverhis]

On 8/10/2019 at 8:06 AM, ksiemb said:

You have been gone for just over one and a half years my beloved Dolly but I am missing you so much every day and the hurting is over powering me.

Your words resonate with me.  Some days my grief is overpowering.  Though I don't know how that feels for you, I do know how all encompassing this grief is, whether we want it to be or not.  In fact, this morning I asked myself why the heck I should bother to get out of bed and who would really miss me.  Some days I wonder how much pain my heart can take and still go on beating.  I think people who have not experienced that richest, deepest love do not understand the real depth of its loss here on earth.  I try (but don't always succeed) to remind myself that someday when it's my time, he and I will be together again.  I pray that I am given that grace.  I hope that my love will welcome me with open arms and open heart and that he will have forgiven me my human faults and failings.

I miss my husband every bit as much as I did that first day I woke up alone knowing this was my life now.  I do not believe that will ever change.  I cry multiple times every day; I talk to him, out loud, every day; I get angry every day, though not at him.  I no longer allow people in my life who do not understand and support that my love is and will be part of me and my life always.

Yet I do have moments of light and hope.  I have a small circle of people who truly care.  Last night, I had supper with two friends who lost their daughter many years ago.  They get it and, more important, when we talk about our lives, they encourage me to include my love.  They understand that the worst thing anyone can do is pretend that 36 of the 61 years of my life either didn't exist or my husband didn't exist in them.  I was young when I met and married him, but I will not allow anyone to tell me that I have no right to be angry and to grieve because we had more years together than they had with their love.  Love with a soul mate is not measured by time and it is not a contest of "who lost what and when."  Instead, it is eternal.  Still, I do not look far into the future because that is overwhelming and too much to consider.

This morning when I woke up and had that painful, "Oh, he's not here" moment, I thought about the difference between wanting to live and having no choice but to live.  I'd be lying if I said I never considered the alternative of just packing it in, but one of the things that keeps me from falling that far down and never getting up is that I know 100% my love would be disappointed.  As much as he knows that I hurt, grieve, and wonder why every day, and as much as I know it must be painful for him, I know he is relying on me now to tell his story, to keep his memory and our memories together alive, and to make sure our beautiful granddaughter understands that her adored and adoring grandpa would never have left us on purpose.  It's not the worst reason to go on living and it's the only one I've got.

You are in my thoughts as we travel this often dark and lonely road.

[Mystic]

Sorry Kenny for your loss.  I lost my husband 4 days before you lost Dolly.  We were married almost 33 years.  I feel like I'm on autopilot as I'm sure you do too.  Half of my heart is gone and I feel like I'm just existing. The emptiness and loneliness is indescribable.  Somehow we have to get through this.  The future seems so bleak.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Mystic said:

Half of my heart is gone and I feel like I'm just existing.

Exactly.  It used to be that I was living.  Even while my love was ill and fighting with everything he had, we still had each other.  We had ups and downs, but we were united.  Now my life is just a shadow of what it was and I often drift through the day not getting much done and not caring.

[ksiemb]

Something For us all to remember, "We still have a relationship with our departed ones - They just are on the other side"

God bless you all !

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I will not allow anyone to tell me that I have no right to be angry and to grieve because we had more years together than they had with their love.

Just as I will not allow anyone to tell me my grief is not as great because we didn't get as much time together as they did.

The point being, no one should judge how we feel, in so doing, they're invalidating our grief feelings.  We all feel gypped because we wanted more time together, no matter how much time we got, it's never enough!  It's not length of time that determines our love, our relationship, and hence our grief, it's quality of relationship.  I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, we were never this close.  I cared about him but he didn't let me in, there wasn't that emotional connectivity...a short time with George and our communication and connection was so strong!  It's because we fit together in every way.  That doesn't mean our marriage was perfect, but it was very good, we had strong love and faith in each other.  We'd learned we could get through anything together.  

Don't ever let anyone try to diminish what you feel or judge you for it.  It 's extremely disrespectful and inappropriate and I set anyone straight when they give me inappropriate response.

Tomorrow morning I have to have my beautiful sweet Arlie euthanized. It's killing me.  My sisters tried to tell me how to feel, that I "shouldn't" feel this way, blah blah blah.  I set them straight.  One apologized, one got mad and said, "Well there's NOTHING I can say to help you then!"  And I replied, "No, there IS nothing you can say, I just have to go through the process, but your being there and caring means the world to me, more than you can know."

[Rhonda R]

Sometimes those closest to us say the most hurtful things.  My sister asked me a couple weeks ago if I was ready to date yet and when I am, she has someone in mind.  Are you kidding?  That conversation ended right there by my telling her I don't care who it is, I'm still in love with my husband, I always will be.  The bottom line is we grieve as hard as we love.  It's the price of that all consuming love that so few are so fortunate to find.  The trick is trying to feel grateful for something that feels like it was stolen out from under you.  How does one do that?  I haven't completely figured that out yet, the emotions are so mixed. 

 

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,how I grieve for yet another loss in your life.
Arlie looks like such a love.
5 years ago I had to put my sweet Roxanne down and I cried so hard she is why right now I can't get another.
Love to you and Arlie.
[emoji307][emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Just as I will not allow anyone to tell me my grief is not as great because we didn't get as much time together as they did.

Oh, Kay, I'm not surprised people would be so hurtful, but I'd still like to punch them in the nose!

Your grief is every bit as deep and lasting as mine and everyone else here.  Sometimes I fear that the only people who really get that are the members here.

[JoyR]

I feel bad you're hurting like this. I dread this feeling. I don't think I can imagine grieving so long. Hearing you guys stories is like a wake up call for me. As I realize this will never end. Apart of me doesn't want it too and another part is not wanting to feel this hurt another day.

I can only watch and learn from your story. The experiences that are soon to be my future  and it hasnt been two months yet. 

I don't think there's a cure for this because love never dies.

[KayC]

On 8/15/2019 at 7:54 PM, JoyR said:

Hearing you guys stories is like a wake up call for me. As I realize this will never end.

It doesn't end, but it does evolve, and with that evolution, so do we.  I've learned more in this journey than in all of the rest of my life experiences put together...I guess if there's a silver lining to this, that would be it.  This morning the verse I posted on FB is:  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

One of the most important things I've learned is to live in the present as much as I can...now I'm going to have to learn that challenge all over again...without my Arlie here.  I will always have his spirit and love with me for I believe that is eternal.  I feel I am back to square one with the grief, all over again, I hurt like I did the day George died, you wouldn't think it possible to hurt so much and live, my heart is broken in two.  I could cry for months and not be done.  I've laid him to rest in my back yard (my son did 90% of the digging, I couldn't have done it without him).  We got a paw print and he took pictures of his paw so he can try to get an image with some editing.  I buried his first toy, a stuffed duck, and a bone with him.  My sweet sweet baby!  Ahh but I digress, I imagine I'll be doing a lot of that.  Funny how your brain has a mind of it's own.  Mine is barely working.

 

[ksiemb]

On 8/14/2019 at 5:42 PM, Mystic said:

Sorry Kenny for your loss.  I lost my husband 4 days before you lost Dolly.  We were married almost 33 years.  I feel like I'm on autopilot as I'm sure you do too.  Half of my heart is gone and I feel like I'm just existing. The emptiness and loneliness is indescribable.  Somehow we have to get through this.  The future seems so bleak.

I know your hurt, emptiness, and despair. I am sorry for your loss as well. I had almost 40 years with my Love, but now it seems it was just  a second in time. God bless you and help  you in your grief.  And just always remember, we will see them and be with them again, when it is our appointed time to cross over.  Kenny

[KeirKieran]

On 8/14/2019 at 10:12 AM, Rhonda R said:

Has anyone on here ever heard of complex grief?

Yes. My therapist is very worried my grief could develop into this. She says it's basically a form of PTSD. She has me in once a week and is watching me carefully.

One thing she says I need to try is to learn something new. The brain can literally shrink from the depression so doing new things and learning new things are important. So I'm trying. *shrugs*

I'm trying to believe I can bring the goodness that she brought into my life forward with me, without giving into the guilt and misery completely. I know she's rooting for me.

[KayC]

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/04/what-is-complicated-grief.html

Note the many articles linked at the end of this one.