I hate waking in the morning!

[Sarah7055]

It’s been 7 weeks since my soulmate passed suddenly, it feels like a life time... why is this feeling getting worse.

I’m like a zombie just going through the motions of the day and trying to keep my tears hidden from my boys as they worry about me.

I did also lose my dad 13 days after John which has compounded things..... his Birthday and 2 month anniversary will be August 9th, would have been 49.

I miss him so much it’s unbearable...

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[Will Always Be Bill's Wife]

I've read that there is no single way to grieve. Everyone's path is different.  First let me say how sorry I am that you are grieving.  My husband died 9 weeks ago.  I love waking up bc I have 100 things to do... a diversion from my grief..its the nights that kill me...when theres no one around I can call...when I'm left alone with my rambling thoughts n tears...lots of tears.......wishing you peace as you travel your path.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Sarah7055 said:

 

It’s been 7 weeks since my soulmate passed suddenly, it feels like a life time... why is this feeling getting worse.

I’m like a zombie just going through the motions of the day and trying to keep my tears hidden from my boys as they worry about me.

I did also lose my dad 13 days after John which has compounded things..... his Birthday and 2 month anniversary will be August 9th, would have been 49.

I miss him so much it’s unbearable...

Oh my goodness, it's no wonder you're feeling worse!  To go through losing your soulmate and then you father, so close together!  Our grief is a forever journey but I want to assure you that it doesn't stay the same, the pain will lessen in intensity to something more bearable, but I can't say when.  Just as our relationships differ, so does our grief, but there's enough similarities to relate to each other too.

How old are your boys?  My kids were barely grown when my husband died of a heart attack just after his 51st birthday.  My daughter came and stayed with me and she was a lifesaver, so was the grief forum I joined, just knowing I wasn't alone in how I felt helped...because I felt I was going crazy.  I'd never known grief of this magnitude before.

I wrote this article of the things that I've found helpful, I hope something in it is helpful to you, and perhaps something else down the road.  
When the shock wears off and reality sets in, support goes home and you're left dealing with this...it's tough.  
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Scott A]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's been 4+ months since my wife passed.  I encourage you to lean on family and friends and seek counseling if you have nobody you can really open up to.  It's a terrible thing, but things will get a little more stable with time.  Most important thing I learned was to be kind to yourself, make time for yourself, be selfish for you.

[Rhonda R]

It's been almost 14 months since my husband passed away.  I too went through the motions like a zombie and just existed.  That new, raw grief is the worst.  It's shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, longing, sometimes actual physical pain and such a change in your life.  I felt like my life was a shattered mirror at my feet and I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know how to begin to put my life back together.  I didn't know where to step first.  14 months later, I have some of the pieces back in place.  I have found happiness in moments with my kids and friends but, that mirror is no where as beautiful as it once was.  Just getting up and going through the motions every day is moving forward. I did go see an individual counselor because I have found that the only person who is exactly where you are in your grief is you.  I needed someone I could say anything to.   I needed someone to help me process my feelings.  Someone who would listen to me without that look like, "Okay, it's been a year now."  I don't care if it's ten years down the road, I'm always going to love and miss my husband.  Those feelings of missing him have evolved over time.  Life is a silent teacher.  It has taught me how to take care of the things around the house that he used to.  It's taught me how to eat alone, watch tv alone, go places by myself.  It will never teach me how not to love him, because that just is.  I still have good days and bad days but at least there are some good.  Hang in there, you are stronger than you know.   

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I felt like my life was a shattered mirror at my feet and I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know how to begin to put my life back together.

I felt the same.  I remember feeling like Humpty Dumpty and all the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put humpty together again.  I was part of a partnership, now suddenly just me and I didn't know how to exist "just me", I had to learn to be me all over again.  Who was I?  All alone who was I?  Took me years.  One day at a time.  Looking for joy in every day, no matter how small, nothing too trivial to count, embrace what good there is, learn to appreciate and be grateful, mindfulness, living in the present so as not to miss what IS rather than merely looking back.  Note I said MERELY...we do look back, some of our most cherished moments are in the past with our partner, of course we want to remember those moments!  I look for balance.  Live in today.  How many years did it take me to learn this, to find purpose, to build a life I could live...most of these 14 years, gradually.  I never found a manual for it, but I've learned from people on these forums, people like you.  I've learned from my mentor, Marty Tousley (grief counselor and grief website owner), books, articles, etc.

One day at a time.