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Today was an extremely difficult day for me. Up until this morning, I’ve been hoarding everything I’ve ever bought for my love during his battle with cancer. I’ve cleaned my kitchen several times since his passing in March of this year, but I never could bring myself to throw out the items he touched for the last time in my refrigerator. Well today I had to make the executive decision to do a real cleaning. I never thought the sight of a half drunken water bottle or pouring out the remnants of his unfinished bottle of ginger ale could trigger such violent emotions, but it did. My heart sunk, and I felt sick. I immediately regretted emptying the bottle; I felt as if I had poured the remaining essence I had left of him down the drain. I clutched the bottle, and closed my eyes so tightly in attempt to suppress the urge to cry. 


I just want this infinite longing and pain to go away for good. 


It has been 4 months since his passing (he gained his wings March 22nd of this year), and I still struggle with coming to terms with his absence. The thought of never seeing him again EVER in this lifetime is torturous. I’m only 30, and although he was 54, he was still my soulmate. He loved me like no other, and supported me through thick and thin. I currently embarked on a personal improvement journey in an attempt to save myself from sinking into that dark, relentless abyss of despair and hopelessness, and I’m becoming a far superior version of myself than I ever thought possible. I wanted him to be the one to revel in my greatness, and no one else. No one else deserves it because no one was there during my darkest moments but him. We used to talk for hours about how there wasn’t anything out there for us but each other, and boy was he right.


I did test the waters, and dated for a while. It was one guy in particular that gained my affections, but he turned out to be a fraud. He was a womanizer and a narcissist, and the worst type of relationship someone could be in that just recently lost the love of their life. He was self-absorbed, selfish, and was indifferent to my emotional needs. He never inquired about my mental well-being, or never asked about how I was doing despite me telling him how much I missed my love. He was manipulative, and got away with far more than I would have allowed under different circumstances and at a different point in my life. I had to expend all of the energy I had reserved for coping with the loss of my fiancé to sever the relationship with him, and afterwards I just felt fully depleted. Now, not only do I have to deal with the hurt of the absence of my fiancé, but also burdened with the task of recovering from a toxic relationship. I feel as if life is throwing me all types of stumbling blocks. Had it not been for my journey to improvement, I think I would be suicidial at this point. 


My love’s birthday is this upcoming Saturday. It is going to be difficult as this is the first birthday I will spend without him. His family and I had planned on spending it at his grave site. I’m indecisive as to whether I want to do that now. I don’t want to submerge myself in that indescrible pain and emptiness, although I’m pretty sure it is inevitable no matter where I am, but I feel it will be more profound standing there looking at a colossal stone on the ground with his name engraved in it. Even the mere thought of it is stressing me out, and saddening me beyond words. I long to talk to him, to hear his voice and his infectious laugh. I even miss him trying to touch me to my dissatisfaction after an argument like he normally would since he never was the type to hold a grudge. I miss the nights I’d spend laying on his chest on the sofa,  finishing a movie we both started alone because he had fallen asleep, or the nights we’d spend walking the town, talking for hours about any and everything. He was such an intelligent and wise man. The world did lose a powerhouse when he gained his wings.


I didn’t mean to ramble. I just was feeling so many emotions today. Thank you all for listening. It just felt good to vent to people who understands, and who have been or are going through what I am. 

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My dear friend,

I'm glad you poured your heart out here, sometimes it helps just getting it out there and you can already see you've had people read it.

Be oh so glad it didn't go any further with the "fraudster", be oh so thankful you didn't marry him...I did, he was a Narcissist and he conned me when I was most vulnerable.  We do NOT have clarity of mind in early grief, it took me probably three years just to process my grief, but it's never over, there's only learning to coexist with it.  It feels like my heart is partitioned off, one part is living, the other part is immersed in grief, and hence me and my grief live together, never apart.  
If you message me your email address, I want to send you a book (Word or PDF format, I prefer the Word one as it's easier to navigate) on Narcissism, it was very helpful to me. Let me know which format you want.

We are so lonely in early grief, we can easily want to fill that void, but sometimes I think it's better to wait, feel the pain, cry the tears, do the counseling, learn to live on our own, and then we are more ready to see straight and make better choices for ourselves, at least that's what I learn through my experience.  Let me send you some HUGS and I'm glad you are growing and learning and are becoming your best self.  Sometimes I think that's the silver lining in this cloud...not that any of us wouldn't trade everything to have them back for even just one day.

And about his birthday, I would go to his grave alone, I'd want to be alone with my thoughts and tears, wish him a happy birthday and tell him how much you miss him...even tell him about how proud he'd be of you.  But that's what I would do, that's not what everyone would, I just hope you listen to your heart and do what feels best for you.  I wouldn't be up to a birthday get together at his grave.

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