My boyfriend died in an unexpected car accident.

[ggreco1009]

My boyfriend and I had been dating less a year but it was story tale kind of love. He was in the marines so we didn't get to be with each other as often as we wanted. We were madly in love with each other and I wanted to get engaged soon. We both used to tell people that we were the opposite sex version of each other. I went to New York on a family trip and I got the call the day before I was heading back from his father to tell me he had been in an accident and died. I was supposed to see him in just a couple days. I was devastated by the news and am completely heartbroken. My aunt has told me it's because I'm grieving not only Adam but also our future lives together. I have another problem of hating my best friend who was in the car with him. I know he didn't do anything and it's not his fault but Adam was a professional driver and the accident investigators told us Adam turned the car specifically so he would be ok. I can't stop the thoughts of "why are you here and he's not" "why are you barely scratched and my fiancé is dead". I know it's horrible and evil but I can't help it. Is there anyway you could help me stop having outburst of crying at every little thing that makes me think of him?

 

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[Angelinthepit]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have actually just joined this site because I am realizing that I have a lot of unresolved grief about the passing of my boyfriend in a car accident in 2005. It's coming up now because I am about to get married and also, truthfully, I had been drinking a lot and have cut back significantly. My ex was in the navy and had just gotten out and moved back home and was a passenger in a car crash. 

I agree with the idea that you are not just mourning him but also morning the life you thought you would have. I can say I got through a lot of the rougher grief stages years ago but, especially because of where we were in our relationship when he passed, that has been difficult even years later when I have been in a long term relationship.

One thing I can say I am very appreciative of is that I have found a partner that does not make me feel like an odd duck for bringing up my grief. 

So..... I am not trying to make this about me. I just wanted to say I saw your story and I can relate. This is actually my first post on this site. I joined so that I could have an outlet for my grief as this is triggering again the "death" of my old life and beginning of my new one as I approach my wedding. I would be happy to be someone for you to talk to if you feel like that might help in your grief process. One thing that really stifled my grief process was that I had no one to talk to about it. Because my ex was in the navy and we met when he was in the navy we had mainly a long distance relationship. We had only a few mutual friends that experienced the two of us together so I didn't really get to grieve with those people. I was in college at the time and either people realistically didn't want to talk about it with me or that was my perception.

Your anger, sadness, and "bargaining" (i.e. what if X had been different?) are totally understandable and normal. Grief is probably the most complicated thing I have dealt with in my life. I would encourage you to be very mindful of things you might do to numb the pain (i.e. alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) as they could actually lead you to feel worse if done too much. It's good that you're here and discussing with people. Please let me know if you might want to chat more.

[JoyR]

First , I'm very sorry for your loss dear. This is a very delicate situation. And I feel your emotions are valid. It also brought up emotions I tried hiding and never mention. 

So I'll tell you in hopes you can see how relatable the emotions are and when I say I understand. I mean really understand! You are not wrong for being angry because all you want is him to be alive an well and you want to blame someone for causing this. And I get it.

Ok, my boyfriend was shot dead while in the car with a friend. His friend got off with minor injuries. While my boyfriend was shot in head and rest in body. I was angry he died and you can imagine my feelings towards friend. Case still investigation so I'll say less. But just a quick run on emotions.

We cant let that eat away at you. It really takes you to a dark place mentally. You build hate and anger their still living and going on with their life and you're left figuring out how to live this life without your loved ones in it. All your future plans are changed forever and it's hard to even visualize what's ahead of you. 

These feelings will never go away as it's very traumatic events. But eventually will be replaced with  positive memories that will lessen over time. I'm only 4wks in my trauma and it's been alot of back n forth emotion both good and bad. 

Possibly seek counseling to get help with the greiving process. As I am also. If possible talking with his family with one another remembering the fun times,the love and good memories will help you also. 

I will not have all the right words of comfort for you at this time but this forum has helped me ALOT  to get my emotions out. Everyone here helps each other get through it. I'm a prime example. Next day or two I may be on my emotional rollercoaster grieving badly or good greiving. We all have our days. And you can feel angry,happy, say whatever you feel and I'm sure we will be here to listen and help you through it. 

You will experience different stages of grief and there are a few friends here that I'm very positive will reply with better information to help and guide you. Kayc, Foreverhis, Billy, alot more.

Don't let darkness and evil thoughts consume your mind blocking you from everything positive your loved one gave you. Hold dear to those moments.

 

[ggreco1009]

That helps a lot thank you.

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[KayC]

@ggreco1009  I am so sorry, this is the hardest thing I think we can ever go through.  I want you to know that all of your feelings are very valid, even the one where you wonder why your friend is okay and he died.  Who would not wonder that!  It does not mean you wish your friend had died, instead it's about the unfairness of it all and on top of it, you're in shock, trying to cope with the hardest news you've ever had.  Your aunt is right, you're grieving him, but we often have secondary griefs as well, one of them being our future that was robbed of us, in the blink of an eye. I hope you will consider professional grief counseling.  Perhaps in a few months you might want to try a grief support group too, they aren't all the same, so you might want to try two or three before finding the best fit for you. It's been 14+ years since I lost my husband, I've been on grief forums all these years, read books, articles, I started a grief support group locally about three years ago.  It's a good way of meeting others that "get it" since a lot of young people have not experienced this.  This forum gets more traffic than most so you'll find a good representation of people from all age groups.  
I want to leave you with an article I wrote of what I've found helpful, I hope you'll find something helpful in it today, and other things will stand out to you on down the road as our grief journey is ever changing.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

@Angelinthepit 

How well I remember 2005...that was the year I lost my sweet husband, partner, best friend of all time.  

Congratulations on your impending marriage!  I'm so glad you found someone that understands about grief and doesn't get upset that you still think of him.  My SIL lost her fiance in college, he had an accident.  She later met and married my BIL, and he's so understanding, he know that her fiance will always be part of her heart and thoughts and it doesn't take away from him or their marriage...they've now been married 50 years!
Did you ever get professional grief counseling?  If not, I'd highly recommend it now.  You see, undealt with grief doesn't just go away.  I've seen it before where it creeps up unexpectedly 20 years later.  It happened to someone on my other site after he had a wife and children (his fiance died young, unexpectedly).  I'm sure it floored his wife because all of a sudden it dredged up seemingly out of nowhere.  But it's not out of nowhere, really, it's deep inside of us.  I have learned to coexist with my grief, it's very much a part of my life, I've had so many losses, I realize this isn't something rare, it's something that happens to each of us at some time or another, some more than others.

[ggreco1009]

I went and saw my friend today. I was ok but still hurt. Tomorrow is the viewing and I'm terrifying of seeing Adam. I miss him terribly but I'm afraid of seeing him like that.

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[KayC]

You stepped out of your comfort zone and saw your friend, that was a big step!  I'm applauding for you!

I don't know the time difference or if you've viewed his body or not, but please let us know how that goes...prayers going up for you today/now!  

[ggreco1009]

I saw Adam's body last night. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't want to be on this earth without him.

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[Sarah7055]

I went and saw my friend today. I was ok but still hurt. Tomorrow is the viewing and I'm terrifying of seeing Adam. I miss him terribly but I'm afraid of seeing him like that.

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I viewed my partner the day before his funeral, never thought I would be able to do this but I did.
It looked like him but didn’t if that makes sense, I knew he wasn’t in there, it was just his body but it helped a bit as I was the one that found him and I needed to get that image out of my head.


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[ggreco1009]

I saw him again yesterday and had another panic attack. Today is the funeral and I haven't slept at all.

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[KayC]

3 hours ago, ggreco1009 said:

I saw him again yesterday and had another panic attack. Today is the funeral and I haven't slept at all.

You made it through the viewing, that is hard.  I hope the funeral will be comforting to you to hear the nice things people say about him, to know others love him...I know no one's loss is like yours.  Please let us know how it goes, we will be praying you through this today.   (((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

On 8/2/2019 at 12:49 PM, ggreco1009 said:

I saw Adam's body last night. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't want to be on this earth without him.

I have to be honest.  I don't think I could have done that with my husband.  I was with him, just to two of us, when he took his last breath.  I held onto him, talking to him, telling him I love him, until they came from the funeral home. When I went in to make the arrangements, they asked if I wanted to see him one more time.  Apparently, they have to offer when someone is being cremated.  I said no, I really could not face it and that I knew his spirit and soul were no longer in his body on earth.

I am in awe of all of you who can or must attend a viewing.

What you're feeling about not wanting to be on earth without him is completely normal.  I still feel that way much of the time.  Over time, I am learning to live with that feeling and with the grief.  It's ever so slightly easier and softer than it was a year ago.  Grief is certainly individual to each of us, but the journey is not easy or fast.  I believe we must figure out ways to live with our grief because it will be with us always.

[KayC]

My "viewing" was right after he died.  It was clear it was his body and his spirit was somewhere else.  I think it helped me to realize he no longer inhabited that body, he'd gone on to what was next.