My husband died very unexpectedly

[SCSS093]

I still can’t seem to come to terms with it and it’s been almost 4 months since his passing I miss him like crazy everyday and just feels so scared and alone sometimes even though I have a big support system from my family but it’s just so hard to wake up each day and go through life without him I can’t seem to grasp the idea of it yet and I just feel so depressed everyday about it

 

 

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[KayC]

I get it...I felt that way too.  It can take a long time to process their death (took me about three years), it's different for everyone so not saying it'll take that long, depends on a lot of things, if it's sudden death, if they're young and it's totally unexpected, our own coping skills, how much grief work we put in...I got grief counseling but there were no grief support groups within 1 1/2 hours drive, I've since started one here, I also did art therapy, journalled, was on my grief forum every day, read books and articles on grief, all these things helped but we're all different in how we handle it.  I can tell you I couldn't read a book for the enjoyment of it for ten years, it was several years before I could watch t.v., I've struggled with finding enjoyment in my hobby.  My anxiety was through the roof, I finally got on Rx Buspirone for it (Buspar) and have low dose Trazodone for sleep.  I wouldn't take it for the first three years and I regret that, I should have made it easier on myself.
Try not to think about the "rest of your life", it's too much, it's overwhelming, you only have to do today...then get up and do it all over again.  I know, that sounds depressing, but it gets us through this and we have to hang in there until things do get better.

[SCSS093]

I get it...I felt that way too.  It can take a long time to process their death (took me about three years), it's different for everyone so not saying it'll take that long, depends on a lot of things, if it's sudden death, if they're young and it's totally unexpected, our own coping skills, how much grief work we put in...I got grief counseling but there were no grief support groups within 1 1/2 hours drive, I've since started one here, I also did art therapy, journalled, was on my grief forum every day, read books and articles on grief, all these things helped but we're all different in how we handle it.  I can tell you I couldn't read a book for the enjoyment of it for ten years, it was several years before I could watch t.v., I've struggled with finding enjoyment in my hobby.  My anxiety was through the roof, I finally got on Rx Buspirone for it (Buspar) and have low dose Trazodone for sleep.  I wouldn't take it for the first three years and I regret that, I should have made it easier on myself.
Try not to think about the "rest of your life", it's too much, it's overwhelming, you only have to do today...then get up and do it all over again.  I know, that sounds depressing, but it gets us through this and we have to hang in there until things do get better.

Thank you reading this made me feel somewhat much better than I been feeling the last couple weeks and I have been having bad anxiety on an off. I’m trying yoga now to help with it see how that does for me


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[Billie Rae]

Thank you reading this made me feel somewhat much better than I been feeling the last couple weeks and I have been having bad anxiety on an off. I’m trying yoga now to help with it see how that does for me


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I'm at almost 7 months and have noticed that after the 6 month Mark I am able to talk about Charlie without sobbing.
As Kayc said we all will take a different amount of time.For stress I find that running helps me,so I hope yoga helps you.
Take your time.
We are here

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[KayC]

I hope yoga helps...so important to find what works for us, self-care so essential!

[foreverhis]

On 7/30/2019 at 1:49 PM, SCSS093 said:

I’m trying yoga now to help with it see how that does for me.

Here is what I can tell you about yoga for me.

One of my friends is a yoga instructor.  She and another friend gently and kindly "nagged" me into trying her restorative yoga for those with chronic health conditions, like me, or who are recovering from injuries.  My friend is an excellent instructor and I have a dancer's background, so much of it is familiar in some ways.  I'm also trying a beginning gentle flow class my friend teaches.  She does not let us get away with laziness or losing focus, but she corrects us in a gentle way.

Practicing and learning yoga forces your mind into the present, the moment, as you concentrate on what your body is doing, how it is feeling, how you are breathing and moving.  Part of yoga is practicing mindfulness and being gentle with ourselves.  It is certainly helping me strengthen my body, but more than that, I cannot think about anything else while doing it.  For that time, my heart and mind are taken from the constant grief I live with now.  It's a welcome, if short, respite from my emotional and physical pain that I'm finding both welcome and helpful.

I hope that you find yoga gives you both physical and emotional benefits.  It's worth a try.

[KayC]

I haven't tried yoga, none in my sleepy little town, but I have done meditations, which also practices mindfulness, being in the present, also with the breathing.  I don't have a dancer's background and am not sure I could move like a pretzel, afraid I'd hurt something if I tried!  It's enough for me to haul firewood, shovel snow and pick up branches on my property!  But if you can do it, I think it'd be great!

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

It's enough for me to haul firewood, shovel snow and pick up branches on my property!

Well, Kay, I'm pretty sure I could not do all those things you do!  Talk about needing physical strength and agility.  Between that and practicing mindfulness on your own, you no doubt have both inner and outer strength.  Though I suspect now you are feeling a weakness of spirit because of Arlie, I also know how much love you have given each other.  That is both precious and rare.  I think about you two every day.

It's funny that because of decades of both swimming and dance, I have never lost my flexibility even though I have serious (though non life threatening) health issues.  My friend told me that it can actually be an issue with beginning yoga because being overly flexible let's you be "loose" getting into positions that are supposed to use specific muscle sets.  I have to guard myself from being lazy because I could hurt myself that way.  And I sure ain't 20 anymore!

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

And I sure ain't 20 anymore!

6 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Though I suspect now you are feeling a weakness of spirit because of Arlie

Actually, I'm thankful for having the diagnosis so I could know what was going on, what to look for/expect, helping me know when "it's time", as I know it's fast approaching.  I'd hope for a couple more months with him, and Aug. 6 I'll have had it.  It's day by day.  I appreciate every day I have with him, even if all he can muster is sleep.  He's still eating, stools still good, still going on his walks, but not much else.  His liver is extended, making him look bloated, that's concerning, I know he doesn't feel good, I'm thinking it's going to be sooner rather than later.  Last night he threw up a bit of his breakfast, that's the beginning of the end.  But I hope he has a good day today.

Oh God I'm so thankful for learning to live in the present and for the practice of gratefulness for the good in today!  Otherwise I might easily cry away these last days of his life instead of enjoying the time I do get with him.  Not that I haven't cried, but you know what I mean.

(((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

On 7/30/2019 at 12:14 PM, SCSS093 said:

I still can’t seem to come to terms with it and it’s been almost 4 months since his passing I miss him like crazy everyday

You are still so early in your grief journey.  I urge you to remember that it can and usually does take years to truly accept this loss.  I am just over a year in and feel like I've barely begun to figure things out.  Please don't push yourself to try to "get better" or "move on" or any other nonsense that society tells us.  It's a bunch of...yeah, better stick with "nonsense" and absolutely wrong.

I miss my love every minute of every day.  I talk to him--out loud when I'm at home--every day.  I am more and more sure that I always will.  I know that my husband is my forever love.  Even with my small, but fiercely loyal, support system, I often feel alone right in the middle of a room full of people who love me and my sweetheart. 

What you're feeling is not only normal, but I've come to learn that it is universal for those of us who have lost a true soul mate.

I'm sending you big comforting hugs.

[foreverhis]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Not that I haven't cried, but you know what I mean.

You bet I do.  My heart aches for both of you.  Yet I am so glad you found each other.  Pure love is such a gift, but you know how hard it is to lose it in the here and now.  I just know George and Arlie will find each other and be waiting for you some day down the road.  Then you'll be together for always.

Hugs and love to you both.  Tell Arlie that he's got a whole posse of people who love him just from reading about him here.

[SCSS093]

You are still so early in your grief journey.  I urge you to remember that it can and usually does take years to truly accept this loss.  I am just over a year in and feel like I've barely begun to figure things out.  Please don't push yourself to try to "get better" or "move on" or any other nonsense that society tells us.  It's a bunch of...yeah, better stick with "nonsense" and absolutely wrong.
I miss my love every minute of every day.  I talk to him--out loud when I'm at home--every day.  I am more and more sure that I always will.  I know that my husband is my forever love.  Even with my small, but fiercely loyal, support system, I often feel alone right in the middle of a room full of people who love me and my sweetheart. 
What you're feeling is not only normal, but I've come to learn that it is universal for those of us who have lost a true soul mate.
I'm sending you big comforting hugs.

Your right it is going to take time if anything might take years for me but it’s so hard to slowly move on when I feel like I can hear him talking to me inside my head and telling me all the things he’d like to tell me when he was alive and how much he loved me more than anything in the world i just miss those little things about him the most which makes it so much harder to try to process his death and than I just get overwhelming anxiety on and off about his death the way it happened was just shocking and unexpected but I know he’s always will be with me and I do the same too sometimes I talk to him when I’m alone and have a conversation as if he is here with me still and let him know how much I miss him all the time


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[GrievingSoul]

On 7/30/2019 at 3:14 PM, SCSS093 said:

it’s been almost 4 months since his passing I miss him like crazy everyday and just feels so scared and alone sometimes even though I have a big support system from my family

I know the feeling. It has been 4 months for me also, and the emptiness is still there. I am currently experimenting with binaural therapy (YouTube has a plethora of them available) and meditations, and they seem to be effective. I listen to an energy cleanser at night, and off and on throughout the mornings. Perhaps you could give it a try and see would it help? 

[KayC]

Sounds like a great idea, GrievingSoul!
foreverhis, I intend to talk with Arlie about this place and how much you all are sending him love.  He will understand the love part.

@SCSS093  It's been over 14 years for me and not one day goes by but George is on my mind and I talk to him all the time in my mind, and many time aloud!  It's a good thing I live alone I guess, or someone would have sent those people in the clean white coats to lock me up!  Many of you are too young to remember this, I was 13 when they came out with this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-lJZiqZaGA

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Many of you are too young to remember this

I was 8 and remember this well.  I didn't really understand some of it then, but my parents had a recording that I heard again in my teens.  Then I got it, just as I immediately got your reference to the people in their clean white coats.  It's things like this that make me think I shouldn't be too fast considering any of today's music bizarre.