Lost my husband and don't understand some family members behavior!

[NancyML]

My husband passed away May 10th, 2019 after a 9 month battle with cancer.  His Mom, sister and one brother live out of state and weren't able to see him before he died.  His oldest brother lives 2 hours away.  He came to the hospital on a Saturday to see my husband, his brother only because he was at a casino and 1/2 hour from the hospital. My husband was moved to Hospice and the following Monday I called his brother that is 2 hours away and he said he was planning on going to the Casino on the weekend and would visit then.  I explained that his brother would not make it until the weekend.  He said he has to work on the camper (he uses it when it stays in the parking lot of the Casino) and was busy with this work (self employed auto body) and would try for the weekend.  I told him if you can live with not seeing him before he dies that was up to him.  I told him my husband probably wouldn't talk to him but would know in his heart he was there.  He never showed and my husband died on Friday.  My other problem is my brother-in-laws wife.  I believe she has paranoid personality disorder. She thinks people are talking about her all the time and has difficulty making friends and has no contact with her siblings. I always felt bad for her and because we are family, I would reach out and help her with her computer, I helped her through a very difficult time when she broke her ankle, supported her when her Mom died. I know she and my BIL loved my husband and he was in contact pretty regularly during my husbands sickness. Now since my husband has died I never hear from them.  One time she texted me about the obituary and I called her.  I asked her not to forget me.  Since then I've texted twice and she responded once and left a voice mail to call me and that was two weeks ago. The advice from everyone is don't let them get to you, or forget about them but I'm just so appalled and hurt. I need help with learning how to realize that these people are not important to me and I should just let it go!  My husband's sister and I have grown much closer since my husband passed.  I'm traveling next month for the first time to see them and I know how hard it will be. 

[KayC]

Nancy, I am so sorry for your loss and everything leading up to it.  My advice would be to not cut out the relatives just yet, but neither look to them for support or surround yourself with them even if possible because you need supportive people, not the others.  In time you will know if you feel they are too toxic for you to be around and that will be soon enough to cut them out.  My point is because sometimes people who have not been through loss of spouse have no clue what it's like and may not respond appropriately.  Also, people who are grieving are not always at their best, they get into disputes over things that don't matter in the scheme of things, say things they shouldn't, etc.  I've seen it too many times.  Feelings are running on high and it's hard to see with clarity.  But YOU know what is best for you, and I encourage you to do what is in YOUR best interest...they will look out for themselves, so don't worry about them, your number one priority right now must be you.

It's been 2 1/2 months, that's not very long although it undoubtedly feels much longer, so anything you are feeling right now, I would not be surprised, it's still raw and you haven't begun to have time to adjust.  It took me probably three years to process his death, and we're all different in our timelines.

I wrote this article about what I'd found helpful and I hope something in it will be of help to you...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Moment2moment]

So sorry to hear all of this but gotta say it happens more often than not.

I found myself dealing with a whole family of inlaws an hour away, who never came to visit, never called, no card, flower, nothing the whole 2 years that my partner had multiple hospitalizations and hospice her last 6 months. 

Then when she died nothing to even acknowledge her passing. By then I was so pissed and shocked that I just didn't expect anything out of any of them.

I make no excuses for lack of basic human decency. People just need to get their priorities straight and take the time to show compassion for others. 

I learned to expect nothing from anyone and then I will not be disappointed. It is easier that way.

Love and supportive thoughts your way in this very painful time.

Lily Bell

[KayC]

I'm sorry you went through that, Lily Bell.  I didn't get flowers, cards, support from my in-laws either, but then they were a pretty messed up family.  My husband went through a whole lot of counseling in order to rise above his upbringing!

[Kal1120]

I don’t understand it either. My husband died suddenly in a car accident. I was pregnant with our first child. It’s radio silence from his family. They never see her...or me. They say it’s “too painful”. I realize everyone grieves in their own way, but it makes no sense to me. I’m not even sure I’ve processed it yet. 

[KayC]

@Kal1120  It doesn't make sense to me either.  I know we all grieve differently, but...

We didn't get spared because it was "too painful"...and this is his daughter!  It just seems so wrong, I'm so sorry.