prentice mathis joy My soulmate was murdered

[JoyR]

I'm so devastated by my boyfriend's murder. We were inseparable. Together day and night. July 3 he was taken from me. We ate together, he bathed me, loved me so much that I could tell it was unique even to him. He kiss my back thinking I'm asleep saying I love you constantly. We had plans on marriage. Luckily I took him to communion Sunday prior and he really wanted to change Never been baptized we were planning on it at the beach. I dreamed it as well. Now I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel hurt, abandoned,angry,and worry. I cry all day long alone and try my best to be strong as he was in front of others. He always said never let em see you cry. I didn't . I feel angry that God would let this happen when he was changing . We were happy and mentally, spiritually supported each other. The level of intimacy surreal and he was his true self with me. What family and others don't see. I knew something was wrong and also dreamed it weeks prior. I keep watching every video of us and find happiness hearing your voice but it's not the same. I'm so hurt I want to be with him and he not coming back. God  help me ! I pray for you everyday. Yet wishes you stay here until I die. I don't know how to continue on there are no words to express what I'm feeling. I can't sleep and when I do it's just to pray and hope it's a dream. I love you and wish we could've went to courthouse like you wanted to sneak n marry. Instead I wanted God way first and we were heading on right track and now your gone. I will never love another and will die alone. Love you Prentice your wife Joy

[KayC]

Joy, I am so sorry...everything you say, it's how it was with us too.  I don't have any answers, stopped asking why, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  All of your feelings are valid.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to express all you are feeling and know you're heard and understood, we're listening.

Just over two weeks, so fresh, so raw, we all remember that time, the shock.  You will get through this, I say that because in the beginning I didn't see how it was possible, but I'm still here 14 years later, somehow we make it through this maze of grief.  You might want to consider grief counseling, perhaps on down the road a grief support group.  I hope you have family and friends around for support.  We're here for you.

[JoyR]

Thank you very much. I'm doing my best. I will seek counseling. He wanted to be cremated. It's hitting me hard as I have nowhere to mourn now. We argued about this very detail as I don't want cremation. Im waiting for a locket I purchased for his ashes. But as we weren't married I can't keep his urn the family does. It hurts so bad there are so many things he would disagree with if he were here . And his voice can't be heard. But thank you again

[JoyR]

OMG everyday is hard for me . Every week seems further away from him.  Every Wednesday I'm tormented. And too know my son and him share the Exact same birthday June 16 will be hard. I'll be mourning and trying to attempt to celebrate for the sake of my son. Two very different feelings. One for the love of my son and another for the love I've lost. I'm trying so hard to keep busy and I almost want to submerse myself in alcohol to take my mind away. My dog seems to be right up under me trying to comfort me as if he knows. I'm so tired I cant focus or clean and I'm ocd with that. I look at my car and picture him sitting there or driving and now I'm having difficulty wanting to drive the car 

[foreverhis]

Joy,  I welcome you here to a caring community, but I am so sorry that you are among us.  Please come here often to rant, to wonder, to ask for help, and for any reason at all.  I will not tell you that "I know how you feel" because we are all unique in our grief.  But I will tell you that I know what it is to lose my soul mate, my everything.  Just a few days ago, I wrote that my love was an imperfect man who was perfect for me.  In that regard, I do know what you mean.  I sometimes try to remind myself that the price we pay for finding deep and binding love is that the grief of losing it in the here and now will be deeper and binding as well.  When you're ready, you will likely find moments of peace and even light, but don't try to force them.  Let yourself grieve in whatever way you need.  Do not let the fact that society doesn't "get it" deter you or make you wonder if you're doing it "right."  What's right for you is yours alone and cannot be wrong.

This is not an easy path and will take all your strength.  When you feel weak or helpless, please know you are not alone, ever.  Kay is right that asking "why" never seems to yield any answers.  Maybe we'll find out some day.  Your anger is not only understandable, but normal.  It's okay to yell at God, in whatever form you believe, because the only God worth believing in must be strong enough to accept not just our joy and love, but also our anger and pain.

I'm going to say a few words about faith and do not intend to insult anyone else's.  You should know that my husband and I left our formal church long ago, but always, always kept our faith.  You say that with your help, your love was in the midst of discovering his faith.  You naturally wonder if it was enough.  Here is my belief:  God knows when someone is sincere, whether that person has been baptized or not or has gone to a specific church or has a specific religious belief.  It is enough that he was striving for better and it is enough that his love for you encompassed all.  It's good that he went with you to services and communion.  It's better that he was striving to learn, to understand, and to become the best version of himself he could be.  Please, I urge you not to doubt the infinite depth of God's understanding, forgiveness, and love.  I do not say these things lightly, but with the sincere hope that you will consider them.

For now, just try to live one day, hour, and moment at a time.  Allow yourself to be and feel without guilt or fear.  Your grief and pain are so new, so raw, and so shocking.  Talk to your love, internally or out loud.  I talk to my husband out loud every day.  It's helpful.

I am sending you a prayer that you find moments of peace and comfort.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

God knows when someone is sincere, whether that person has been baptized or not or has gone to a specific church or has a specific religious belief.  It is enough that he was striving for better and it is enough that his love for you encompassed all

Amen to that!

And try to skip the drinking, I know it's inviting, but it's a depressant...hardly what we need.  

You mention not having a place to go to to mourn.  Have you thought of getting a memorial stone, with or without his ashes, you could have that to go to, I got one, it was inexpensive, I put it in our back yard.  If you google the company and promo code they usually have one with a discount. https://www.personalcreations.com/product/pawprints-in-heaven-memorial-marker-30192930?q=30192930&start=&spell=&srchSuggestion=y&trackingpgroup=pid
 

I know how families can be when they're grieving, not always at their best, I'm sorry you're going through that too.  

And I talk to my husband all the time too, be it in my mind or aloud.

And just like foreverhis says, it's okay to yell at God (I think, He hasn't zapped me yet) He has big shoulders, he can take it, and you know what?  He understands.

 

[JoyR]

Thank you. The case is still under investigation it's so much more I want to say in his defense yet I'm remaining silence and I can't fully get it all out. I did go out drinking to take my mind away. Just faking happiness. But inside I'm dying. I have not eaten in a about a week and I'm trying to but not hungry. I'm up hours repeatedly searching everything I could find in my phone. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I don't even want to be bothered with anyone. My body aches. I've binged on info for Bible , afterlife and everything in hopes of seeing him . But today read that the dead knows nothing, hear nothing as asleep. So I'm confused because I considered myself to be high energy and see things. How can I have visions,dreams , premonition and the Bible say it's a sin to seek the dead. I don't want to go against God but I desperately am seeking his spirit and I need him . I kinda feel I'm so hurt by him it'

k 

[KayC]

Of course you're hurting.  What you're referring to is the soul sleep, but they're still there, have faith in that, it's all that gets me through, knowing I'll see him again.

I can relate to the "exhausted but can't sleep"...see a doctor, let him know about the sleep situation, sometimes we need help with it and this is one of those times.  I still have sleep issues.  Sometimes I don't get enough sleep, struggle with it, sometimes I take something.  We have to function

somewhat.

At first I lost weight, then I gained it doing the mindless eating, just not caring.  In those early days I did not feel like eating.  Smoothies help, I could drink something, just didn't want to eat.  Get some nutrition in you, we can't function without food, it'll cause us medical issues we little need on top of this.  (((hugs)))  

[JoyR]

I cooked for my dad and son today after my dad force to to come out hiding. Then I cleaned. I did eat finally. But i couldn't get my strength to go church. I feel empty as if part of me is missing. Well my confidant and best friend is gone. Yesterday as I was grieving him I his Bluetooth came on an a song he never played in list came on. (Gerald levert- baby hold on to me) then as I played my own later that day in my car it played on my Bluetooth. Then I turn everything thing off and heard static in my car passenger side but radio was off. Then something shock me on my foot and arm. Just found it strange. Someone said maybe I won't get the visit I want as seeing him but he will come another way . Or I could just be overwhelmed an stress too. But overall today wasn't as bad. But I still can't sleep even after prescription. Yes I saw doctor. Be blessed guys and thank you for supporting me. It does help to vent here as I have no one to relate

[KayC]

You have us.  It's good to have someone that gets it even if we're across the country or world from each other.  

It does sound like it could be a sign he sent, I agree with what someone told you, perhaps we're looking one way when they're coming another way.

[Billie Rae]

Joyr
We are listening.We also are sharing your pain.
Big hug

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JoyR]

So I can't remember the last time I've slept. I remember Sunday being exhausted and going to monday to work tired. And I still have not slept. I try forcing food down and all I can do is nibble. And now I don't feel tired but I HAVEN'T SLEPT. My brain is in a fog and I I feel I'm just floating thru the day with a blank empty uncontrollable stare at everyone who tries to talk to me. Eyes,back,neck stiffing. I dread going to work Monday night as he would come to my Job and wait for me for hours until I get off . I work hotel 7-7am on Monday nights... I see his number in the call log when he called me at work. I don't know what's going on with me today but I have his picture as my screen  saver and I can't look at it. 

I feel stupid staring at my phone which we shared trying to make him move and talk to me. Which is ridiculous. My mouth inside hurts because I've not spoken but little words ,and little food ,but able to drink fluids. I'm in a zombie like state mentally I'm aware but physically I can't help myself . I can't talk or cry. There's no emotion going on in me just thoughts. And to top that off I still have yet to receive his ashes with my locket and it's stressing me out. I wish I could just lay in the casket with him a go to sleep. I'm feeling annoyed with everything and now it's like I'm mad at him. But I love him so why do I feel this way. I don't even know why . I feel abandoned and helpless. 

My best friend female also helped me with my grief and this is also hard because her loved on past last year . It's a year for her . We had to give each other space since I tried to tell her she had closure since her friend died of ashma attack. Health reason and she was offended. I didn't want to take away from her grief he was my friend also. I feel everyone pain .

But I told her when someone dies of murder that is unsolved and you know nothing there is constant worry no closure. If my loved on past away natural causes I can except the death but I'll still grieve. For me this is very hard because his life was taken not health reasons. He just turned 48 June 16. He was in great shape. He was shot dead. I would rather him pass in at home or hospital or something preparing me. It's unbearable when I saw him last less then 30mins hour later he's gone. I waiting the whole night of July 4 until morning expecting his return. Let me go and come back I'm getting emotional again.ttyl

[JoyR]

Hey guys I'm back again. Am I wrong or being selfish if I don't want anyone else to grieve my boyfriend?

A part of me feels they don't deserve that right. I'm so annoyed with the past woman as I've had my share of drama with that . And I feel no one is in more pain then me.  This happen during my relationship with him. How can anyone know what's it's like to loose a partner, spouse ,lover if your not dealing with them daily in a current relationship. Like are you really trying to take away my joy and grief as if you're important. I.e.ex gfs.. Married couples, couples are used to seeing them every day and there's a void missing very different from a person you used to date the person that is over with.  We know them more deeper then even relatives. . I mean you are intimate and bedroom talk so your able to open up about alot more things then u would tell a relative. Ok im ranting now think it went somewhere else. I'm not focused at all.  I guess today won't be good because I feel bitter towards everyone except limited few. Don't think I'll leave the house my emotion are everywhere and don't feel it's good for me to interact with people right now . Here is safe for me. Outside not so much and afraid I might spaz Sorry 

[JoyR]

[KayC]

2 hours ago, JoyR said:

I'm feeling annoyed with everything and now it's like I'm mad at him. But I love him so why do I feel this way. I don't even know why . I feel abandoned and helpless. 

These are but feelings, feelings brought on by grief.  They don't have to make sense intellectually, they are but to be ridden out, like riding waves.  Waves of grief.  Zombie like state, lack of sleep, brain fog, all of these are so common, so normal, in grief, we've all felt them.

You do need to do something about the sleep and nutrition.  It behooves you to do something to help yourself through this, but it's at a time you least feel able to.  I hope you'll see a doctor and get some help with the sleep.  Drink a smoothie, anything to get nutrition into you.  Take a walk, anything to help you feel better.

And God, I join Joy in prayer, I ask you wrap your arms around her and let her know she is not alone in this, you are with her.  I ask you bring her comfort.  Amen.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, JoyR said:

If my loved on past away natural causes I can except the death but I'll still grieve.

I don't necessarily agree with this...my husband died of a sudden heart attack right after his 51st birthday.  It doesn't make it any easier how it comes.  Murder and suicide are complicated griefs, yes, the hardest of all to try to digest, but please don't invalidate your friend's grief, that is offensive to her.  NEVER COMPARE GRIEF/LOSS, it is like bringing a minefield in.  We can't compare...to each of us our own loss is the greatest.  I hope for healing between you and your friend, that you may help and support each other on your journeys.  You can feel however you want, but try not to offend her with your words.  It's hard to think with clarity in early grief, really hard, for that reason I hope she can understand.

When we have sudden death, no matter what the avenue, nothing prepares you.  But even in a caregiving situation with a long illness, can anything prepare you for the finality of death?  No.  Not really.  We process death, a little bit at a time, and we can process in last days of an illness, but still the finality hits.  My dog has cancer and is dying (and NO I am not trying to compare my dog with a husband!) but my dog has been my sole companion these past 10 1/2 years.  When I got the diagnosis, and learned he's not a candidate for surgery because he wouldn't make it through anesthesia, nor would chemo help him, it's too far spread...I was in shock, jolted into anticipatory grief!  I couldn't process this, I was emotionally fragile.  I couldn't imagine life without him, nor can I still.  But it's been 6 1/2 weeks, I've been processing it little by little.  Last night my cousin, who lost her husband a couple of years ago, told me of her dog's sudden death.  From time of diagnosis to his passing, one day.  She said she didn't have time to process it, she was in shock.  I feel fortunate I am getting time to process it, little by little, letting it sink in that he will be gone.  I am getting to do what I can to make him comfortable and when the time comes, I will have him euthanized so he won't have to suffer unduly.  But what I'll do then, I don't know.  It will hit me hard and I will grieve.  He has been by my side through thick and thin, given me incentive to continue, to take care of myself...for him.  When all that is gone, what then?  That is the question we are all facing.  I've lost so many, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a niece, a nephew, so many pets, so many friends, the hardest of all was my husband, that was a life changer.  And my dog will be hard too.

I don't know why we go through this, life is hard, it is unfair.  Nothing fair about it!  I have friends who still have their husbands.  They go places together, they take each other to doctor's appointments, they help each other out, each doing what they're good at.  Not us.  We do what has to be done or have to hire it done.  Sometimes it's a struggle getting help.  At the end of the day, that person we love isn't here to talk things over with, to cuddle with.  We do our best with it but still after 14 years of this, I have my ups and downs and still struggle with it.  It's not as intense as it was at first, thankfully, but it's still there.  I will love and miss him the rest of my life.  I talk to him all the time, if not aloud, then in my thoughts.  The day I hear him answer will be the day they haul me away, of that I am sure.  

[foreverhis]

On 7/20/2019 at 10:56 PM, JoyR said:

How can I have visions,dreams , premonition and the Bible say it's a sin to seek the dead. I don't want to go against God but I desperately am seeking his spirit and I need him .

I wonder exactly what kind of seeking it means.  I personally don't believe it could ever be wrong to keep our hearts and minds open to the signs that come our way.  It could be in dreams or visions; it could be in tangible and physical reminders; or it could be those premonitions and deja vu.  When these things come to you naturally because you are open to them, there can be no sin in it, IMO.  Even if your heart is actively seeking a sign that he is okay and at peace, you would not be wrong, again IMO.

Is it possible the seeking it says we shouldn't do is literal?  Could it be referring to trying to join our loves through physical attempts to be with them?  By that, of course, I mean suicide.  There are certainly times when it has felt as if my grief could and maybe should just kill me.  There are times I wonder just how much pain my heart can take and still go on beating.  And there have been moments when I've wondered if it wouldn't be better to end life here so I can be with him where he is now.  I do not consider these dark thoughts to be "sinful" in any religious sense of the word because I am not seeking them, they simply come.  I deal with the darkness as best I can, looking for bits of light, glimpses of hope, and not be dragged down permanently.

I'm no religious scholar (obviously) and sometimes have trouble grasping the full meanings of things, but my dad was self-taught because he wanted to know about not just the religion he was raised in, but others as well.  He was seeking to understand how and why humans have come to have such diverse beliefs.  He said that he didn't think anyone in the world could understand completely, so all we can do is our best.  I think he was right.

[foreverhis]

On 7/23/2019 at 4:47 AM, JoyR said:

My best friend female also helped me with my grief and this is also hard because her loved on past last year . It's a year for her . We had to give each other space since I tried to tell her she had closure since her friend died of ashma attack. Health reason and she was offended. I didn't want to take away from her grief he was my friend also. I feel everyone pain

---

I would rather him pass in at home or hospital or something preparing me.

I have to agree with Kay on this.  I am where your friend is in many ways.  It's been just over a year for me.  My love died in the hospital with me by his side.  We had finally accepted that he wasn't going to make it to the next cancer treatment, so he was supposed to go home on hospice, but his body couldn't do it.  I fear what I'm going to say will offend you.  I don't intend to, but these are hard things to hear and to say.  I truly only want to give you perspective in hopes that it may help.

You cannot "take away" from your friend's grief because it is hers alone.  I have no doubt you are grieving for her love who was your friend, but I'm sure you realize the vast chasm between grieving the death of a friend and grieving for your soul mate.  The pain you feel for her, for him, and for your love is also yours alone.  No matter how much we might want to believe we feel another person's pain, we do not and cannot.   Please allow your friend her grief in her own way and do not compare either death or grief.

Whether a death is sudden and violent or lingering and quiet, there is no such thing as closure.  It's unlikely in the extreme that your friend feels like she had any.  If you had said to me what you said to her, I would have been hurt, a bit angry, and offended.  It would have felt to me as if you had decided to elevate your type of loss and grief over mine. As if your suffering is worse or more.  There can be no comparisons of that kind.  She cannot know how it feels for you and you cannot know how it feels for her, but both of your losses are devastating in the same way. 

There is truly no way for you know if your love's death would have been "easier" for you if you'd had time to prepare.  Knowing it is going to happen, knowing we are powerless over it, is its own kind of hell on earth.  The pain of holding my husband's hand, watching as his breathing grew shallow and then stopped altogether is indescribable.  When a death comes slowly, we are left with endless worries of  "Why did/didn't we or I...?  "How could this happen to such a good man/woman?"  "Why didn't the doctors know more or find it sooner or treat it differently?"   These thoughts, regrets, and guilt haunt us day after day.  I know that I cannot fully comprehend the shock and pain of your loss. By the same token, you cannot fully comprehend mine.  The same is true for you and your friend.  I have no doubt that your pain and anger make it feel as if no one has ever experienced such agony.  You're right because we each feel our own loss as the worst thing in the world.  We feel that way because it is for us each, individually.  Give your friend time, but don't let it go too long.  You both need the love and comfort of those who care.

Actually, the reason I found myself here several months after my husband died was that I was so angry over people making comparisons.  It might be something like, "I know how you feel.  My uncle/friend/pet died."  My reaction to that was an internal (never said out loud, especially the swear), "Are you f-ing kidding me?  I lost my soul mate, half of myself, and our future together.  You go home at night and your love is still there to comfort, to laugh with, to help you.  The one person I could go to for that is the one I have lost.  I go home to a cold and silent house.  How dare you!"  The other kind of comparison that was upsetting me is the type you and your friend are dealing with.  "Well, I only had X number of years with my husband.  You had more." or "My sister's husband was killed in a car accident, so she'll never have closure."  As if this is a contest and the more years you had, the less you get to grieve.  Or that there is some sort of hierarchy in how we've lost our soul mates.  Whether it's 5 years or 50 and whether it's sudden or lingering make no difference in grief.

From reading your posts, I can tell you are a caring, loving person.  Your love for your husband shines through everything you have written.  And yes, I believe that God would see you as married, even if you hadn't yet said "I do" in church.   Marriage isn't just words and vows said in public; it is what we live in our hearts every day.  I hope you know I am not berating you for being human or for reacting to your shocking, devastating loss as you have.  One of the wonderful things about this community is that we all know none of us are perfect.  I've certainly made my share of mistakes along my grief journey so far.

My heart hurts for you and your love.  Please, please take Kay's advice about taking care of yourself.  I understand the temptation to numb yourself with alcohol.  I had a few days of doing that myself, but not for many months because it simply wasn't helping.  Adding a small hangover to my grief, physical pain, and depression was not the smartest thing I've ever done.  And no matter what anyone says or what you think is expected, don't feel you have to try to seem "normal" or "okay" because you are not.  Our society does expect us to always "put on a brave face" and not bother other people with our grief.  Well, I've come to understand that these unrealistic expectations are both exhausting and wrong.  If I fall apart in public, so be it.  If someone is uncomfortable around me and my grief, then that is their problem and not mine.  I urge you to simply let yourself grieve and not try to live up to what others think you should do or feel.  I promise that we will always be there to help in whatever ways we can.

I am sending you comfort, support, and love.  Remember to keep breathing and have faith that your husband will be there for you always.

[JoyR]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

These are but feelings, feelings brought on by grief.  They don't have to make sense intellectually, they are but to be ridden out, like riding waves.  Waves of grief.  Zombie like state, lack of sleep, brain fog, all of these are so common, so normal, in grief, we've all felt them.

You do need to do something about the sleep and nutrition.  It behooves you to do something to help yourself through this, but it's at a time you least feel able to.  I hope you'll see a doctor and get some help with the sleep.  Drink a smoothie, anything to get nutrition into you.  Take a walk, anything to help you feel better.

And God, I join Joy in prayer, I ask you wrap your arms around her and let her know she is not alone in this, you are with her.  I ask you bring her comfort.  Amen.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I'm going to try and get some rest. I'm really having a hard time getting through this. I feel like the world outside wants to be move on and be happy with life. But in reality that would be the fake me. Because I'm not happy and can't move on. So everyday I'm suppose to put on this Fake persona just to get through my day. All I can do is grieve and nothing else. 

[JoyR]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't necessarily agree with this...my husband died of a sudden heart attack right after his 51st birthday.  It doesn't make it any easier how it comes.  Murder and suicide are complicated griefs, yes, the hardest of all to try to digest, but please don't invalidate your friend's grief, that is offensive to her.  NEVER COMPARE GRIEF/LOSS, it is like bringing a minefield in.  We can't compare...to each of us our own loss is the greatest.  I hope for healing between you and your friend, that you may help and support each other on your journeys.  You can feel however you want, but try not to offend her with your words.  It's hard to think with clarity in early grief, really hard, for that reason I hope she can understand.

When we have sudden death, no matter what the avenue, nothing prepares you.  But even in a caregiving situation with a long illness, can anything prepare you for the finality of death?  No.  Not really.  We process death, a little bit at a time, and we can process in last days of an illness, but still the finality hits.  My dog has cancer and is dying (and NO I am not trying to compare my dog with a husband!) but my dog has been my sole companion these past 10 1/2 years.  When I got the diagnosis, and learned he's not a candidate for surgery because he wouldn't make it through anesthesia, nor would chemo help him, it's too far spread...I was in shock, jolted into anticipatory grief!  I couldn't process this, I was emotionally fragile.  I couldn't imagine life without him, nor can I still.  But it's been 6 1/2 weeks, I've been processing it little by little.  Last night my cousin, who lost her husband a couple of years ago, told me of her dog's sudden death.  From time of diagnosis to his passing, one day.  She said she didn't have time to process it, she was in shock.  I feel fortunate I am getting time to process it, little by little, letting it sink in that he will be gone.  I am getting to do what I can to make him comfortable and when the time comes, I will have him euthanized so he won't have to suffer unduly.  But what I'll do then, I don't know.  It will hit me hard and I will grieve.  He has been by my side through thick and thin, given me incentive to continue, to take care of myself...for him.  When all that is gone, what then?  That is the question we are all facing.  I've lost so many, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a niece, a nephew, so many pets, so many friends, the hardest of all was my husband, that was a life changer.  And my dog will be hard too.

I don't know why we go through this, life is hard, it is unfair.  Nothing fair about it!  I have friends who still have their husbands.  They go places together, they take each other to doctor's appointments, they help each other out, each doing what they're good at.  Not us.  We do what has to be done or have to hire it done.  Sometimes it's a struggle getting help.  At the end of the day, that person we love isn't here to talk things over with, to cuddle with.  We do our best with it but still after 14 years of this, I have my ups and downs and still struggle with it.  It's not as intense as it was at first, thankfully, but it's still there.  I will love and miss him the rest of my life.  I talk to him all the time, if not aloud, then in my thoughts.  The day I hear him answer will be the day they haul me away, of that I am sure.  

OMG I'm so sorry for your lossss of hubby and prayers for your loved pet as I have my own and it's my only comfort right now. The unconditional love we get and snuggles and warmed is calming to my soul. As for my friend I did apologize and I do understand it's not easier either way. There isn't a way to be prepared for it. She's fine . I was trying to get her to talk about it together but the way she handles her grief is avoiding it so she doesn't break. For me I'll ball out tears like a big baby and kick ,drop, and roll on the floor with my emotions and not care who's around. 

And yes it's hard when your loved ones were there to help you and now it's gone. This too is hard for me because he carried everything,open my car door, ,ran my shower water and bathed me,he would not eat food unless we ate together and would complain his ulcers hurt so I'd eat with him. He wanted kids we were trying but he treated me like his big baby. Now it feels very awkward to go out in public and see couples holding hands as we did. Kissing each other, in stores together ,and every little detail I took for granted as normal everyday life is what I'm lacking now. I feel like why was I not worthy of enjoying my life forever with him. Why was my relationship cut short. I haven't reached my prime and what now. Just me and my dog till I die. How long will that be to go on like this ?' 

I feel like why me? And to hear about everyone else pain I know I'm not alone but the hurt is so great . How blessed are those who never have to experience something like this. But we all gotta go some way. I just didn't expect him to go this way. We were supposed to grow old together and grow food,farm,and travel. All I can do now is enjoy the comfort of my pet. But I do long for his touches and kisses and words and I'll never get them. 

[JoyR]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I wonder exactly what kind of seeking it means.  I personally don't believe it could ever be wrong to keep our hearts and minds open to the signs that come our way.  It could be in dreams or visions; it could be in tangible and physical reminders; or it could be those premonitions and deja vu.  When these things come to you naturally because you are open to them, there can be no sin in it, IMO.  Even if your heart is actively seeking a sign that he is okay and at peace, you would not be wrong, again IMO.

Is it possible the seeking it says we shouldn't do is literal?  Could it be referring to trying to join our loves through physical attempts to be with them?  By that, of course, I mean suicide.  There are certainly times when it has felt as if my grief could and maybe should just kill me.  There are times I wonder just how much pain my heart can take and still go on beating.  And there have been moments when I've wondered if it wouldn't be better to end life here so I can be with him where he is now.  I do not consider these dark thoughts to be "sinful" in any religious sense of the word because I am not seeking them, they simply come.  I deal with the darkness as best I can, looking for bits of light, glimpses of hope, and not be dragged down permanently.

I'm no religious scholar (obviously) and sometimes have trouble grasping the full meanings of things, but my dad was self-taught because he wanted to know about not just the religion he was raised in, but others as well.  He was seeking to understand how and why humans have come to have such diverse beliefs.  He said that he didn't think anyone in the world could understand completely, so all we can do is our best.  I think he was right.

Both Paul and Peter also called death a sleep (1 Cor. 15:51, 52; 1 Thess. 4:13-17; 2 Peter 3:4). The Biblical representation of death as a sleep clearly fits its nature, as the following comparisons demonstrate: 1. Those who sleep are unconscious. "The dead know nothing" (Eccl. 9:5). 2. In sleep conscious thinking ceases. "His breath goeth forth, . . . in that very day his thoughts perish" (Ps. 146:4, KJV). 3. Sleep brings an end to all the days activities. "There is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going" (Eccl. 9:10). 4. Sleep disassociates us from those who are awake, and from their activities. "Nevermore will they have a share in anything done under the sun" (verse 6). 5. Normal sleep renders the emotions inactive. "Their love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished" (verse 6). 6. In sleep men do not praise God. "The dead do not praise the Lord" (Ps. 115:17). 7. Sleep presupposes an awakening. "'The hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth'" (John 5:28, 29).3

[JoyR]

This is what

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I have to agree with Kay on this.  I am where your friend is in many ways.  It's been just over a year for me.  My love died in the hospital with me by his side.  We had finally accepted that he wasn't going to make it to the next cancer treatment, so he was supposed to go home on hospice, but his body couldn't do it.  I fear what I'm going to say will offend you.  I don't intend to, but these are hard things to hear and to say.  I truly only want to give you perspective in hopes that it may help.

You cannot "take away" from your friend's grief because it is hers alone.  I have no doubt you are grieving for her love who was your friend, but I'm sure you realize the vast chasm between grieving the death of a friend and grieving for your soul mate.  The pain you feel for her, for him, and for your love is also yours alone.  No matter how much we might want to believe we feel another person's pain, we do not and cannot.   Please allow your friend her grief in her own way and do not compare either death or grief.

Whether a death is sudden and violent or lingering and quiet, there is no such thing as closure.  It's unlikely in the extreme that your friend feels like she had any.  If you had said to me what you said to her, I would have been hurt, a bit angry, and offended.  It would have felt to me as if you had decided to elevate your type of loss and grief over mine. As if your suffering is worse or more.  There can be no comparisons of that kind.  She cannot know how it feels for you and you cannot know how it feels for her, but both of your losses are devastating in the same way. 

There is truly no way for you know if your love's death would have been "easier" for you if you'd had time to prepare.  Knowing it is going to happen, knowing we are powerless over it, is its own kind of hell on earth.  The pain of holding my husband's hand, watching as his breathing grew shallow and then stopped altogether is indescribable.  When a death comes slowly, we are left with endless worries of  "Why did/didn't we or I...?  "How could this happen to such a good man/woman?"  "Why didn't the doctors know more or find it sooner or treat it differently?"   These thoughts, regrets, and guilt haunt us day after day.  I know that I cannot fully comprehend the shock and pain of your loss. By the same token, you cannot fully comprehend mine.  The same is true for you and your friend.  I have no doubt that your pain and anger make it feel as if no one has ever experienced such agony.  You're right because we each feel our own loss as the worst thing in the world.  We feel that way because it is for us each, individually.  Give your friend time, but don't let it go too long.  You both need the love and comfort of those who care.

Actually, the reason I found myself here several months after my husband died was that I was so angry over people making comparisons.  It might be something like, "I know how you feel.  My uncle/friend/pet died."  My reaction to that was an internal (never said out loud, especially the swear), "Are you f-ing kidding me?  I lost my soul mate, half of myself, and our future together.  You go home at night and your love is still there to comfort, to laugh with, to help you.  The one person I could go to for that is the one I have lost.  I go home to a cold and silent house.  How dare you!"  The other kind of comparison that was upsetting me is the type you and your friend are dealing with.  "Well, I only had X number of years with my husband.  You had more." or "My sister's husband was killed in a car accident, so she'll never have closure."  As if this is a contest and the more years you had, the less you get to grieve.  Or that there is some sort of hierarchy in how we've lost our soul mates.  Whether it's 5 years or 50 and whether it's sudden or lingering make no difference in grief.

From reading your posts, I can tell you are a caring, loving person.  Your love for your husband shines through everything you have written.  And yes, I believe that God would see you as married, even if you hadn't yet said "I do" in church.   Marriage isn't just words and vows said in public; it is what we live in our hearts every day.  I hope you know I am not berating you for being human or for reacting to your shocking, devastating loss as you have.  One of the wonderful things about this community is that we all know none of us are perfect.  I've certainly made my share of mistakes along my grief journey so far.

My heart hurts for you and your love.  Please, please take Kay's advice about taking care of yourself.  I understand the temptation to numb yourself with alcohol.  I had a few days of doing that myself, but not for many months because it simply wasn't helping.  Adding a small hangover to my grief, physical pain, and depression was not the smartest thing I've ever done.  And no matter what anyone says or what you think is expected, don't feel you have to try to seem "normal" or "okay" because you are not.  Our society does expect us to always "put on a brave face" and not bother other people with our grief.  Well, I've come to understand that these unrealistic expectations are both exhausting and wrong.  If I fall apart in public, so be it.  If someone is uncomfortable around me and my grief, then that is their problem and not mine.  I urge you to simply let yourself grieve and not try to live up to what others think you should do or feel.  I promise that we will always be there to help in whatever ways we can.

I am sending you comfort, support, and love.  Remember to keep breathing and have faith that your husband will be there for you always.

I agree with you both. It was a stupid thing to say and I did apologize to her. And yes it hurt her and she explained same to me. But I feel it was necessary to talk about her situation because she never told anyone how she felt and it's been balled up inside until I said that. I made her cry and I saw a whole different perspective of what she was holding in all along. Since I wasn't here to comfort here during her grief I was out of town. So I get how hard she felt to deal with it on her own terms and appreciate her being there for me while also holding her emotion inside to get me thru it.  All I can say is I have to just pray for sanity,peace of mind and healing . Reading everyone grieve is easy for me to feel a sense of hurt band and heartbroken for your loss but when I hear the actual details that's what breaks me and I relate to it. Thanks for reminding your here and I have a voice.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, JoyR said:

Now it feels very awkward to go out in public and see couples holding hands as we did. Kissing each other, in stores together ,and every little detail I took for granted as normal everyday life is what I'm lacking now. I feel like why was I not worthy of enjoying my life forever with him. Why was my relationship cut short.

OMG, I have felt the exact things.  For me it's been 14 years so I've had some time to adjust and it doesn't bother me to see couples anymore, but it was hard at first (by first I mean first year or three).  I have had people say my loss can't be like their's because they were married 50 years and we only were married 3 years 8 months.  Wow.  Not so!  No we didn't spend our whole lives together, we didn't grow up together, but you think I wouldn't have like that?  We felt we wanted to make up for lost time!  We met in our mid 40s and by 51 he was gone!  It was way too soon.  Yes I feel envious of those who got 50 years together, but at the same time I have a friend who got that and more with her husband...and she has never driven, never handled a checkbook or paid bills and now she's having to learn how to do without him?  It must feel like culture shock!  On top of the same feelings I'm feeling of just plain old missing him!  No we really can't compare, it's hard no matter how much time we get...or how little, whether we have a marriage license...or whether it was cut short too soon for that...like foreverhis says, it's not the sheepskin on the wall, it's the binding of our hearts.  

I'm glad you've talked with your friend and I hope you can be there for each other.  I understand we handle our grief differently.  I don't hide mine...I remember about a year or two after he died, I had my car worked on and they had a shuttle that took me back to work.  I'm riding in it, it was full of people and all of a sudden it hit me that he had ridden this very shuttle...and I started bawling!  People got quiet, they had no idea what was going on with me.  I sobbed all the way back to work.  People must have thought I was loony but it didn't matter.  I was grieving.

We care very much about you and what you are going through and want to be here for you.  Everything you are saying about what you're going through, what you're feeling, we get it, it's normal and I can remember feeling those same things.  It may have been a long time since I've been through it, but these are things I will never forget.  I do hope you can get some rest and food in you...and hug your dog.  Sending you love and comforting thoughts and prayers.

And foreverhis, I appreciate your post!

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, JoyR said:

But I feel it was necessary to talk about her situation because she never told anyone how she felt and it's been balled up inside until I said that.

Oh gosh, that's terrible for you both.  In some ways, it's really good that you were able to make her open up, even if it was in anger at first.  I think one of the worst things we can do is pretend everything is all fine and keep everything stuffed inside.  It's unhealthy.  I'm glad you were able to talk about it.  It sounds as if the two of you have a strong friendship that can weather all the things that come along, both good and bad.

And thanks for writing about "seeking" and life after death.  I'm not sure how to put this, but sometimes it seems as if certain subjects get kind of scattered, so putting the whole thing together can elude me.  But I guess that's what makes us human and it's probably what makes us want to learn and understand more.

I think it's good that you have a daily prayer to help give you strength.  We can all use more of that, can't we?

[JoyR]

Well as I stated before since his passing I've been binging for answers. Looking for anything to give me some hope or relief . 

Im tormented if hell is real. He's done his share of things but also was good person and time and growth changes some. That being said I'm curious where is he since he hasn't visited me. I don't want him to be in hell or suffering further after death since I would like to continue on once I'm gone. I know I have no control for others but the need to be with him is what I pray for. 

So now it leave me to wonder about faith and every detail about what I need to do to make it happen. But if the dead hear nothing nor have memory and asleep then my prayers are still not answered. I'm wasting my energy for a soul that doesn't know my grief for them . He asleep and doesn't here my cry's or thoughts or anything else. And that sucks. 

If there are spirits or souls are watching us this would make me happier then him  asleep with no memory of me. That upsets me. It makes me wonder why God would let us go thru all this heartache,love,and life just to go back to dust and forget about everything we find valuable. What's the point of this. 

To love and forget someone then there's really no reward for me and I am confused. Yet I think if we born in sin and u know us all why torture us in life and afterdeath. Our whole identify means nothing then. 

I want to love God and believe but this has me questioning everything. All I want is to be with my loved ones . I don't want him burning in hell I want him with me. And the unknown is what I can't control.. I'm already praising God and living the best my ability but if all we're meant to do after we die is praise God day n night why give us thse heavy emotions and attachment and connections with each other just to have it lost anyway. 

I want to be in the same relationship after I die not just existing.  I need him to remember me and what we had together those are precious things one should continue with. It's what we want . 

. Now I'm on eggshells worried if he's sleeping ,which I want him not to be . And if his soul is happy and at peace but knowing me still . Excuse my French for what I'm about to say.  But if he sleep I want his ass to wake the hell up and be around me . Wake the f-k up. .. 

And if the end of our lives is to go back to dust then I got alot of **** to do to make my footprint here count.  I'm tired . Ranting and can't sleep. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, JoyR said:

But if the dead hear nothing nor have memory and asleep then my prayers are still not answered. I'm wasting my energy for a soul that doesn't know my grief for them .

I don't believe they lose their memory, I believe we will be together again and will know each other.  When we are asleep we don't lose our memories!  It was a good year before I dreamed of George, I don't know why, we were always together and meant everything to each other, even now it is rare I dream of him.  Go figure!  I am not able to control or conjure it up just because I'd like to, yet some seem to have no problems with getting dreams.  I don't think I'm resistant, so that's not it.  I've just accepted that this is how it is and we can't always control things just because we'd like to.  I keep faith in our love and trust he does the same and we will be together again when it is time.  Hold onto that.  Believe, choose to have faith.

All of us have done things we wish we hadn't, but as you said he was trying, that's what counts.  Try not to worry about his destination, God makes the way possible for us and he was choosing the good so that's what counts.  Have faith!

Another thing...my sister was in a coma for 4 1/2 months following an accident, she later told me she could hear what people were saying, she just couldn't respond.  Maybe it's something like that, but there are enough people that attest to getting "signs" that would mean something to the two of them, something that lets them know the person is putting effort into letting them know they're still there.  It might be a long time before we get them or it could be soon, again, we can't control that, but I've had it happen and usually when I most needed it!  Our minds/will is amazingly strong, perhaps it can breach even physical constraints!

 

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, JoyR said:

Now it feels very awkward to go out in public and see couples holding hands as we did. Kissing each other, in stores together ,and every little detail I took for granted as normal everyday life is what I'm lacking now. I feel like why was I not worthy of enjoying my life forever with him. Why was my relationship cut short. I haven't reached my prime and what now. Just me and my dog till I die. How long will that be to go on like this ?' 

Oh goodness, I understand about going out in public and seeing couples together.  I have to watch myself from getting too resentful, especially with couples who have clearly been together for decades and are older than my husband (71) and me (60).  I feel anger that I know is misplaced, but it's there anyway.  It's not their fault that my love was taken away from me, but my heart doesn't care.

Here's something maybe interesting that I realized just this morning.  When I get that way, I never say, "How could You have done this to him and to us?"  I say, "How could You have let this happen?"  I realized that there is a subtle, but significant, difference in that.  I don't know what it means in the long run or anything, but it struck me as significant for some reason.

It's tragic no matter what age we are, but when you're still young and had been looking far down a bright road together, the dark path you're left with is that much longer too.  Of course none of us have an answer to "how long" we must suffer like this.  What I do hope is that you will reach out to people like your friend, your church, and us.  It's good that you have a dog to help you.  They give us so much and ask for so little.  Let that unconditional love help you through the darkest times.  Some of the members here have mentioned that having a loved pet rely on them is one thing that keeps them going.  Although my husband and I did not have furry babies when he died, we had in the past.  Two in particular were so special that, when I could see the time was coming near, I told my love specifically that it was okay to stop fighting and that he needed to go find them.  It is comforting to me to have faith that their innocent souls were there waiting for him, to ease his passing.

[JoyR]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I keep faith in our love and trust he does the same and we will be together again when it is time.  Hold onto that.  Believe, choose to have faith

Thank you and I'm trying my best.  I've seen things and dreamed what happened to him two weeks prior  and warned him of it as I didn't see his face. Leading up to the dayx I felt I was under spritual attack as I was having nightmares about killings and waking up sweating when room was cold. Which is what forced me to make him attend church and didn't realize it was communion day . In church I noticed he knew the Bible and teaching more then me. And said he knew it front to back he read it. He was very smart ,respectful, intelligent and enjoyed reading but I didn't know until that day he read the book. "June 30 last Sunday. " Also communion day. So now he was killed July 3 before midnight. 3 days later. Now for me I find all these events strange and also take it as signs I didn't see . But afterwards I feel I was pre- warned.  Or just as we were moving forward in right direction as I was helping him. That day he said he'll teach me to understand it and to promise him I'll read a verse a day of proverbs and that's a book bout wisdom. Been keeping my word. He taught me sign language. Which i learned quickly from him. And it hurts me that yes people know him for good n bad. But he had alot to offer with the right people. I know so many things that people didn't know or get to see. 

Those are what brought us together and our bond he was his true self with me. I was his listener , protector,his confidant and he I wasn't there to protect him. If I had made him stay he would be alive today and I chose to let my guard down. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

All of us have done things we wish we hadn't, but as you said he was trying, that's what counts.  Try not to worry about his destination, God makes the way possible for us and he was choosing the good so that's what counts.  Have faith!

Beautiful, Kay.  I agree 100% that God knows human perfection is impossible.  Trying, striving, and working toward better is what matters.  I do not choose to believe that any loving God would punish us for being imperfect and making sometimes bad mistakes as long as we admit our faults and failings, and honestly try to do better.  I choose to believe that my love also has forgiven my faults and failures through our life together.  Neither of us were perfect, but we had always had love and learned that love means forgiving as well as asking for forgiveness.

[JoyR]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

  I feel anger that I know is misplaced, but it's there anyway.  It's not their fault that my love was taken away from me, but my heart doesn't care.

I know I'm holding resentment. This is exactly how I'm feeling. I have introduce him to my circle of friends (married couples) couples, to show him the company we choose is how we live. And to speak so highly of my (couple friends) whom would offer relationship advice ,to see them and be around is upsetting me. I envy them now , jealous,and don't feel I'm special to anyone but the person who I was special to and upheld me is gone. I'm not needed anymore, he isn't here annoying me everyday, my days are Boeing and empty. And I'm a third wheel to my friends I feel as when I leave I'm leaving alone.  Only one waiting is my dog I hurry home for that.  My dog can't speak only comfort me with adorable eyes and snuggles. He's a Maltese. But I will have faith . 

 

[JoyR]

I GIVE UP. I no longer want the locket with his ashes. Maybe he never loved me like I thought he did. I've been a fool and in denial. Maybe he didn't  ever love me and I was just there for enjoyment and comfort. That's why I don't matter to anyone or his family. Only his cousin and that's why I wasn't in the obituary. 

I don't care or love him anymore . I'll get past my pain . I wasn't important. I'm still not important especially since his death because no one cares but me

[KayC]

15 hours ago, JoyR said:

I GIVE UP. I no longer want the locket with his ashes. Maybe he never loved me like I thought he did. I've been a fool and in denial. Maybe he didn't  ever love me and I was just there for enjoyment and comfort. That's why I don't matter to anyone or his family. Only his cousin and that's why I wasn't in the obituary. 

I don't care or love him anymore . I'll get past my pain . I wasn't important. I'm still not important especially since his death because no one cares but me

Now you're letting what you're going through talk to you.  Put up the hand to such thoughts!  Take the locket with his ashes, because you'll forever regret it if you don't.  Remember when I said to have faith in his love?  He isn't able to defend himself to you right now so it's really important that you believe the things he's told you and how he treated you.  One family member wrote the obituary without mentioning you...that was not his doing!  I'd contact the newspaper and set them straight but even if it's not corrected, what does that have to do with your love?!  Absolutely NOTHING!    That's some mean-assed person from his family shutting you out!  It does not detract from your love or what you had between the two of you whatsoever!  Gosh, I understand your letting this get to you, you've been living in hell since the day he died!  Not only his murder, but his family's treatment of you.  But now is the time to hold your head high, believe in the love you share, and spit on whatever his family acts like (not literally, figuratively).  Hold onto what you have and believe you will be with him again!  And when that happens, none of this is going to matter, only that you're reunited.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I agree 100% that God knows human perfection is impossible.  Trying, striving, and working toward better is what matters. 

Besides, it's what Jesus did that gets us the pass into heaven, not what feeble attempts we've made, anyway!  All we have to do is believe, and Joy said herself he knew the Bible back and forward, he knew that.  I'd be willing to bet he believed!

[JoyR]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

  He isn't able to defend himself to you right now so it's really important that you believe the things he's told you and how he treated you.  One family member wrote the obituary without mentioning you...that was not his doing!  I'd contact the newspaper and set them straight but even if it's not corrected, what does that have to do with your love?!  Absolutely NOTHING!    That's some mean-assed person from his family shutting you out!  It does not detract from your love or what you had between the two of you whatsoever!  Gosh, I understand your letting this get to you, you've been living in hell since the day he died!  Not only his murder, but his family's treatment of you. 

Yes I'm distraught. More so since it's his EX who did this . She kept a insurance policy going. He was giving her money thinking he was policy holder. When he found out he wasn't we called them an her and requested it be cancelled. It's upsetting me not because the money.But because you stepped in and took over his funeral and everything. I never got to be involved. At the funeral  wake it continued I didn't make it y funeral due to her again. And then obituary since she was in control you placed what you wanted to with pictures of u and him kissing as if they were together. And his family let that happen. So i feel betrayed and hurt by it all. 

And everyone like he's dead and gone get on with ur life. And she said in text she will be happy with her check that's all she care and I can mourn she not mourning a dead man. 

I'm so outraged. Because everyone seems blinded to the obvious. No one is defending him or questioning anything . And my words hold no value because she can't speak the truth . So I'm stuck in hell because he doesn't deserve this and wouldn't want it this way.she never took his name off . He tried separating everything but it was too late . That sucks. 

Anyway I don't have any copies of his obituary,death records,nor autopsy. I'm left in the dark. Just in my own thoughts and worry. No comfort of condolences except from his cousins and friends who knew me. His mother passed . His aunt was close to her. So I was tossed away. 

[JoyR]

I can't do this anymore. I tried coming here to grieve. Tell my story. My pain. But this isn't helping. I'm still not able to cope and it's hard to even go on. I hope to die in my sleep. TODAY not TOMORROW. LORD PLEASE . I'm not happy. I'm not enjoying this life. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry you feel that coming here isn't helping, it's important to give it time and effort, there is no "fix" for grief, only help.  It DOES help to express yourself.  We may not have definitive answers, but we care and are listening.

I wrote this article about what I'd found helpful and I hope something in it is helpful to you.  Grief can feel overwhelming, the best advice I found was to take a day at a time.  Our journeys are unique so what helps one person may be different for another, but I'll just throw this out there so you can decide what sounds right for you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JoyR]

I apologise to everyone. I wasn't having a good day as wednesday made 3wks his passing and I was having a hard time. I'm not suicidal. I was feeling as if everything was a dream and I wanted to wake from it. I cried the whole day in disbelief. My emotions were all over the place. 

 

I'll be fine

[KayC]

16 minutes ago, JoyR said:

I apologise to everyone. I wasn't having a good day as wednesday made 3wks his passing and I was having a hard time. I'm not suicidal. I was feeling as if everything was a dream and I wanted to wake from it. I cried the whole day in disbelief. My emotions were all over the place. 

 

I'll be fine

No apologies necessary!  This is an emotional roller coaster with more downs than ups in the earlier months.  I never saw you as suicidal.  We can feel those emotions and the next day feel totally different, that's how it is in this journey!  I still experience some of that even now, although not as bad as the beginning.  My night times are the hardest, I got on anti-anxiety medicine and finally got sleeping pills for when I need them.  I maybe should have a mild anti-depressant but chose instead to take SAM-e since it's natural and it does help.  

[mydeepestthoughts]

Dear Joyr

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your Partner. Death whether natural or not is devastating,and with it comes questions. One of those questions is "Why would God allow this to happen?" The Bible gives the answer to that question at  James  1:13- When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone.

So just as an loving parent would never do anything to make their children suffer, the God of love never does things to make us suffer. Then why does bad things happen to good people?

Once again the answer is provided by God's word- Ecclesiastes 9:11- "because time and unexpected events overtake them all." So sometimes we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Granted also things happen because of choices we make or bad people that practice and promote the traits found at  1 Timothy  2:2,3-For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal,  3 having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness.

So what is the solution to the heartache,and emptiness that you are feeling now?    Hope!

Hope for the future,and the promises that are in the Bible for our dead loved ones, such as 

John 11:25- Jesus said to her: “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life." Jesus promises a resurrection (or a bringing back to life) of our dear loved ones that have been lost to the greatest enemy of mankind- Death. 

The Bible also says that a time will arrive on this earth when death will be no more,neither mourning,nor outcry...the former things have passed away. Rev 21 :3,4.

So the grief,dispair,loneliness and questions swirling through your heart and mind will be resolved.

I encourage you to look at this brochure,where you will find true, dependable Bible based answers to many questions  you may have.

 

May you find strength and comfort.

 

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-truth-tract/know-the-truth/

[JoyR]

1 hour ago, mydeepestthoughts said:

Death whether natural or not is devastating,and with it comes questions

Thank you for your kind words and I will be ready the brochure as well. 

I like that you gave particular scriptures as I need more time to fully understand and study the Bible. It helps narrow it down to areas I'm more focused on at this time.

I am still in disbelief and find myself in a state as if he's alive,then shortly realizing he isn't. The visions of regular activities together and his voice is constantly replaying in my mind. Which I know a part of me is holding in to memories, yet it's also causing me stress to where I can't do anything but dwell on it. I'm constantly looking at pictures,videos, the news reports, funeral, and my emotion towards some are a repeates daily cycle of torment. I do this all day long. I'm mentally and physically drained of energy. Hard time eating. No appetite. As like now , I'm on here in my phone waiting for a call with some form of comfort or information so I can get closure. Nothing. 

I'm in constant distress it's been over 3wks and no information on on his cremation date as I my hope is to have my locket with him close to me. Nothing. 

But thank you so much for responding to my post. And the information you sent will hopefully help me relax

[mydeepestthoughts]

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

No one  knows how you truly feel..we can emphasize due to our experiences when we lost our loved one. Isolating yourself can have benefits when you grieve..but it can also become counter productive.

Jesus said that there is more happiness in giving then when receiving, that principal can help us find  a balance when going through traumatic times in our lives. Searching on what you can give someone will bring you happiness also.

Prayer can also bring you peace of mind. Philippians  4:6,7- Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God;  7 and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

Pour your heart out to him and ask that he gives you the strength needed to be able to function, make the right decisions, and to help you heal.

 

Stay strong 

[JoyR]

32 minutes ago, mydeepestthoughts said:

Prayer can also bring you peace of mind. Philippians  4:6,7- Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God;  7 and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus

Thank you will pray harder. Twice a week on Mondays and Wednesdays my stress rises. 

Mondays- he would wait at my job from 3am to 7am since I worked graveyard shift.

Wednesday- even though he passed on July 3 a Wednesday night. I keep associating every Wednesday since as a day of the week he's past and it becomes a constant reminder of it. 

I know it will take time for me to get out this faze but I truly can't help myself. I unsubconsciously  have meltdowns or high emotions theses days. Every other day I notice im able to cope better. 

 

[JoyR]

Today I got a little good news as part of my stress was not having my boyfriend's ashes in my locket. 

I got news from his cousin whom I'm so grateful for,that his ashes are at the funeral home. I can get my locket on Tuesday. This is such a relief. Now I'm feeling excited and looking forward to Tuesday. I can't promise how I'll handle work Monday night but I can have alittle joy and hopefully I can sleep tonight. I've also eaten a small portion of food today. Been a while since I ate last. 

I realized today I was very weak, hot flashes, and dizzy. I had been in bed all weekend. 

Thanks for the support and Glory to God 

[KayC]

I'm glad to hear you ate, that's very concerning to get those symptoms, can't go without nutrition and especially liquid.

I can't remember if I gave you this recipe or not but it's really good and nutritious.  I found it easier to drink a smoothie than eat food when George first passed.
16 oz Greek Yogurt (vanilla or plain)
1 lb strawberries
6 oz other berries
5 oz chopped spinach
3 oz orange juice concentrate
1 scoop protein powder *optional
3 bananas
granola *optional

If you use all ingredients, you'll have all the food groups.

[JoyR]

54 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm glad to hear you ate, that's very concerning to get those symptoms, can't go without nutrition and especially liquid.

I can't remember if I gave you this recipe or not but it's really good and nutritious.  I found it easier to drink a smoothie than eat food when George first passed.
16 oz Greek Yogurt (vanilla or plain)
1 lb strawberries
6 oz other berries
5 oz chopped spinach
3 oz orange juice concentrate
1 scoop protein powder *optional
3 bananas
granola *optional

If you use all ingredients, you'll have all the food groups.

Thanks Kayc ,

I will definitely try it. You're right fluids seem easier then solids for me . And I've been going a few days without solids but will drink water or something. Not noticing how many days I didn't eat a thing. I think I've literally eaten  solid food 3/4 times since July 3 . 

The rest of days I can't remember what I've been doing. Water or juice maybe. 

My memory is also foggy. I can tell I've been jittry when I look back at some posts as a refresher my misspelled words show it. My friend said I've been stuttering my speech whenever I have to speak of him or explain something. I've never noticed. But it's very hard to talk to certain people. And easy to talk to his cousins. I don't know why that is.

[JoyR]

I actually believed I could pull tonight off without a hitch. Unfortunately, I'm not able. It's that time again. 3am to 7am he'd be here waiting. 

He isn't here. I don't know what I was thinking trying to sooo positive and I'm back to square one again. I'm having flashes of him now. Crying ! And upset I'm finding myself doing this again. 

My heart is aching and I want this to go away. I feel sick and nauseous. Tried eating and threw up half. Im searching for information about autopsy report for shooting victims. And I need answers right now. I need him here. My life isn't the same. OMG. Ttyl

[mydeepestthoughts]

Take a deep breath and try to relax..put on some relaxing music and try to stop thinking about the trauma and focus on the good times.

Try to get some sleep..have you seen a doctor you may need to have them prescribe something that will help you calm down.

 

I will keep you in my prayers 

[KayC]

I agree, I hope you'll make a doctor's appt.  My doctor offered sleep aid but I didn't take it because I thought it a temporary solution to a permanent problem.  I was wrong.  Their being gone doesn't go away but we do adjust eventually, as much as we can, and the intensity of the pain lessens as we begin to process our grief.  You're still very fresh in this and it's complicated grief because of the murder, sudden death, shock.  Try to make it easier on yourself, accept help from your doctor.  I regret that I didn't.  I do now.

[JoyR]

I am sorry but I honestly broke down.i couldn't control my heart and my emotions. 

My anxiety was very high. I have somehow develop a stuttering when I speak that's uncontrollable expecially since this happened. It's gotten worse. I was told this is due to my trauma and anxiety. And it could be something good or bad can be a trigger. As I mentioned I was waiting for the locket. Which to my relief I received late today around 7pm. 

I think the stress from Monday night and mixing with anticipation for the locket raised my anxiety. 

Today is also Wednesday another trigger since he was killed on a Wednesday. I can't make out if it's a month or it Saturday will be a month my brain won't count it after trying to figure it out. All I know is this has been 4wks today. 

I'd also like to note me receiving that locket I was relieved but also felt nothing.no change in mood just relief. I would note after several hours waiting decided to pull up to his cousin house and at that exact time was in my car praying and then the locket was dropped to me. Go figure!

But no change in my mood just calmness afterwards and conversation persued. 

While in my car was a story of another child who passed from a School shooting and parents were saying they knew she was ok and in the arms of Lord .The story was very similar in the sense she didn't say goodbye as normal and same as my situation and that wasn't normal character. It stood out. But I think it was sign. Maybe I was very calm and didn't feel a need to breakdown in those exact moments not sure why. 

I honestly was so overwhelmed today I couldn't check in. I also won pick 3 today. That was a blessing and ran into one of my child hood friends who past relatives while cashing the tickets. Today was just crazy.

I am not sure what way I can describe my emotions but  felt a need to write them as I couldn't do anything hours ago. I'm tired . And also spaced out. Did drink as well because I couldn't relax. The sleep medication didn't work. And I'm still awake

[KayC]

I see you have his angel date as perhaps his birthday instead of his death date?  I looked back in your thread, he died 7.3 so that means Sat. will be a month...today is 4 weeks.

I'm so glad you got the locket!  I hope it brings you comfort, having part of him with you all the time.  I wish I'd thought of that before I scattered George's ashes, I hadn't heard of such things.  It's not surprising you feel no change yet, you're undoubtedly kind of numb, still in shock, grief can do that to us.  It can take a while..quite a while.

With the story in the car, getting the locket, seeing your friend, winning the ticket, I can see where you'd feel overwhelmed, not sure how you feel maybe.
Have you thought of seeing the doctor about your anxiety?  If you're against medication, maybe try lavender scent diffuser, it's calming, I don't like the scent or I'd use it.  I'm on Buspirone (Buspar) which is in a class of it's own, in my estimation, safer, milder, I didn't want something that'd make me a zombie.  I researched the different medications before I went to the doctor and suggested this.  It just kind of takes the edge off so I can cope, doesn't leave me numb.  He'd wanted to put me on Valium, I took myself off day two, it made me sleepy and I had a long commute, it didn't help my mood any, and it's highly addictive, nope didn't want that!  That's when I researched it and went back to the doctor.  Since I have GAD I needed something I'd be comfortable being on the rest of my life.  And it didn't give me side effects, which I like.

Congrats on winning the pick!

I'm sorry it's Wednesday, I know that's hard for you, I went through that with Sundays because that's the day George died, it's been a long time since I've thought of that like that, but 6/19 and Father's Day will always be hard for me, unfortunately since it was F. D. that year it is always a double whammy, the anv. of death being both those days.  We get through it how we can.  (((hugs)))