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4 years and still not over you.


Makayla

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Hello everyone I am Makayla and I am 27 years old. I know it’s a long time but my husband passed away due to suicide in 2015. We have 3 beautiful children who are now 7,6,& our son will be 5 in 22 days. I feel like every year it gets harder and harder. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and express how I feel about the situation so I figured I’d try this website out and see how it goes. When everything first happened I never really had time to grief or be upset or mad and now that my kids are a little older and things have settled down I feel angry and upset and I feel like it will never truly go away. I know suicide isn’t a choice and it’s hard to get through tough times and I can’t blame him for that but I still get so mad. My oldest remembers her dad and I always always keep his memory alive and talk about him with my kids and show them pictures but I just feel like it’s so unfair to have to talk and show photos of him instead of him being around.  But I was just wondering if anyone with kids have ever dealt with this and maybe I could get some pointers on how you talk to the kids or how you do certain things ❤️ Thank you for reading ❤️❤️

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I have a friend, Katie, she's about your age...her MIL died, she lost her oldest son to a bicycle injury, he was incapacitated for about a year and then died.  She lost her twins, they died a couple of weeks after their premature birth.  She then had another preemie, when she was a year old she died of Pneumonia.  Then her FIL commit suicide.  A few months later her husband commit suicide.  It's been very hard for her.  She has two children left.  She's on my other forum, here (A&K stands for Allen & Katie) https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/19775-ak/
She checks in every couple of months but I think if you messaged her she'd respond.  She's the sweetest gal, she's been through more than anyone I know and at such a young age.

I'm older so don't have children at home, but my heart goes out to you.  I hope you have parents and support nearby.  
A friend from my other forum wrote this book about grief for children, it's on Amazon(she went by a different username but I can't remember it because it's been years): https://www.amazon.com/Waterbugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children-Looking/dp/B006KKP3V0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532884816&sr=1-2&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=584d6d84d20af39002f371b4ca8591e2&language=en_US

Also there's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/031648623X/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=8527285c9aeda6588d2fdef841b968ab&language=en_US

and this:  https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0553344021&pd_rd_r=f8b8cfed-9353-11e8-9f63-a17243d71f23&pd_rd_w=ZO2F2&pd_rd_wg=ozHji&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=2610440344683357453&pf_rd_r=5QQAS91TM2CXGV3MEX02&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=5QQAS91TM2CXGV3MEX02&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=a893e26379fbfb3c5cec66b7860fb7c7&language=en_US

I hope you'll feel free to continue coming here and expressing yourself, it does help to know you're not alone in your feelings.

 

 

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Billie Rae

Makayla,
Hi honey,I feel for you.This is my second loss of a spouse,my first in 1996 was suicide,we didn't have children but still today when I think of him there is guilt and the questions are still there.
Why?how could you have done this to me?to yourself?
My life followed it's path but the hurt and confusion are still here over 20 years later.
When there is suicide it will never make any sense to those left behind but years and years later I have learned to live with it tucked in my heart and to understand it wasn't my fault and I couldn't save him from himself or the pain that was inside him that he never expressed to me or anyone else.
A little peace to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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On 7/8/2019 at 8:30 PM, Makayla said:

 I know suicide isn’t a choice and it’s hard to get through tough times and I can’t blame him for that 

I'm sorry if this comes out wrong but I disagree, it IS a choice and you CAN blame him for that and maybe that is part of what makes it harder, is that you have this anger about him doing this but feel guilty about being angry, about the choice he made, and that is causing you additional pain. I am not saying that to criticize him, he must have been in some unbearable pain to do this, I don't know the details obviously, I am only saying it is normal and natural to feel angry at the person who did this and I hope you do not feel guilty if you have any anger about it, it is normal and OK to feel that way.  

If possible I suggest you try to find grief support groups in your area so you can talk to people trained in this or talk to people who have gone through similar things. 

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you may find peace in the coming days. 

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I think they say it isn't a choice because the person doing it FEELS like they don't have a choice.  They didn't deliberately choose to be away from us because whatever cloud was filling them obliterated all else.  I have friends who have commit suicide, I sure wish they'd talked to me first, I sure wish they hadn't taken such a permanent action.  I think loss to suicide is a loss like no other.  :(

 

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On 7/9/2019 at 8:04 AM, KayC said:

I have a friend, Katie, she's about your age...her MIL died, she lost her oldest son to a bicycle injury, he was incapacitated for about a year and then died.  She lost her twins, they died a couple of weeks after their premature birth.  She then had another preemie, when she was a year old she died of Pneumonia.  Then her FIL commit suicide.  A few months later her husband commit suicide.  It's been very hard for her.  She has two children left.  She's on my other forum, here (A&K stands for Allen & Katie) https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/19775-ak/
She checks in every couple of months but I think if you messaged her she'd respond.  She's the sweetest gal, she's been through more than anyone I know and at such a young age.

I'm older so don't have children at home, but my heart goes out to you.  I hope you have parents and support nearby.  
A friend from my other forum wrote this book about grief for children, it's on Amazon(she went by a different username but I can't remember it because it's been years): https://www.amazon.com/Waterbugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children-Looking/dp/B006KKP3V0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532884816&sr=1-2&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=584d6d84d20af39002f371b4ca8591e2&language=en_US

Also there's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/031648623X/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=8527285c9aeda6588d2fdef841b968ab&language=en_US

and this:  https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0553344021&pd_rd_r=f8b8cfed-9353-11e8-9f63-a17243d71f23&pd_rd_w=ZO2F2&pd_rd_wg=ozHji&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=2610440344683357453&pf_rd_r=5QQAS91TM2CXGV3MEX02&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=5QQAS91TM2CXGV3MEX02&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=a893e26379fbfb3c5cec66b7860fb7c7&language=en_US

I hope you'll feel free to continue coming here and expressing yourself, it does help to know you're not alone in your feelings.

 

 

 

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Okay I am super new to this still and I don’t know how I replied with what was said haha. Sorry guys. Also thank you so much for everything you have said I really appreciate it. I definitely agree I should be able to be angry and sad and upset at times but I do also remember  at the same time that he didn’t feel like there was any other way out and that’s why he  did it but it’s still just to hard to handle the thought of him thinking that... 

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You must have clicked on "quote", no problem!

I hope you're getting grief counseling!

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11 hours ago, Makayla said:

I definitely agree I should be able to be angry and sad and upset at times but I do also remember  at the same time that he didn’t feel like there was any other way out and that’s why he  did it but it’s still just to hard to handle the thought of him thinking that.

It might help if you try to keep in mind that your anger at him in no way takes away from the love you have for him or the love you had for each other.  It's good that you understand he must not have felt there was any other choice, even though that knowledge deepens your own grief now.

Over 35 years of marriage, you can bet your...well, you know... that my husband and I had times we were angry with each other or one was angry with the other.  We did not scream, swear at or insult each other, or throw things.  However, we were both stubborn and opinionated.  Most of the time, we were on the same page with each other.  Once in a while, we weren't.  But our love for each other was always there.  Anger did not diminish it at all.

In a way, that's not different from what's happening to you now.  Anger is normal, especially because you are wondering, in pain, and don't have him right there with you so you can confront him.  Not having answers makes it all that much harder for you.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us, but you've found a warm, comforting community of people who understand.

 

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Have you gotten some grief counseling or talked with other suicide survivors?  This is especially a hard journey to navigate on your own.
And try to remember that all of your feelings are valid, you can even feel love and anger at the same time, both valid!

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