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Wishing I could do more


Brody

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It is almost 7 months since my co-worker/friend lost his daughter in a tragic car accident. I still feel as sad for him as I did when the tragedy first happened. I had never known anyone to who had lost a child before, and I didn’t know how deeply I would be affected by it. You see it on the news every night about a family suffering such a loss but it is anonymous. You see the pictures and the names, but when it happens to someone you know, like, and respect, you see – no - you feel the anguish.

I remember how heartbreaking the wake was – seeing the deep sadness of the family as well as his daughter’s friends - and it touched me as deeply as anything I have ever felt in my life. I have never felt as sad for anyone as I have for my friend and his family, I grieve for their grief, and I cry for their tears.

He came back to work and we would (as we still do) talk a couple of times a week for a few minutes. At times he’s open about his feelings and other times he’d say he was doing okay. Even the times he says he’s doing okay, I can still see the sadness in his face and in his demeanor. I don’t pry, so I leave it at that, but I still wish there was something I can do.

It’s been an ongoing conflict inside of me – wishing so much I could do something, anything to help. I have posted messages on these forums and have gotten all kinds of advice, words of wisdom, and words of encouragement. I have also gotten “tough love” as people tell me that I can’t fix it for him, I can’t cheer him up, and I can’t take away his pain. I know that, but it still doesn’t stop me from wishing that somehow we can all wake up and it’s just a terrible dream, or wishing that I could give 5 years off my life if he could have his beautiful daughter back. As Christmas approached, my Christmas wish – the one thing I wanted for Charismas - was for he and his family to wake up Christmas morning and for her to be back with them, that her death never happened. I know the world doesn’t work that way, but that was my wish.

It’s strange, he and I have known each other a long time, but as we never worked in the same department, we never got beyond the “hey, how are you doing” stage. I regret that, because if we were closer, maybe I could tell him everything that I feel in my heart. He knows I care, but I’m not sure if he knows the depth of my feelings. Maybe it’s for the best that I can’t tell him because if I did, I’d no doubt cry, and he would end up consoling me when he is the one who needs consoling.

I know I can’t fix it for him, so I pray for him and his family every day. He and his wife are going through a rough time as they grieve in different ways, so that saddens me as well, and I know I can’t fix that either.

I will continue to be there for him, even if it is just for a friendly hello or a bit of small talk. If he ever wants to open up to me as well, I am sure he knows I am always there to listen. As the old song says, “lean on me, and I’ll be your friend.”

Brody

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I will be blunt you can do nothing more for him than what you are doing. The agony he goes through is his own and I bet he appreciates knowing you are there if he needs you but be aware if you push him to hard you could close the open door you have with him. As far as the way his daughter's death has affected you maybe it is time for you to seek some counseling so as to help you to resolve the agony you feel. If this is so painful for you it will be very apparent to him when he talks to you and may be the reason he chooses to not open up to you more. Speaking from experience with my husband who doesn't talk much about our son I know how men handle grief differently than women. You have to know how much to push and when to back off and talk about something else such as the work day or the weather.

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I will be blunt you can do nothing more for him than what you are doing. The agony he goes through is his own and I bet he appreciates knowing you are there if he needs you but be aware if you push him to hard you could close the open door you have with him. As far as the way his daughter's death has affected you maybe it is time for you to seek some counseling so as to help you to resolve the agony you feel. If this is so painful for you it will be very apparent to him when he talks to you and may be the reason he chooses to not open up to you more. Speaking from experience with my husband who doesn't talk much about our son I know how men handle grief differently than women. You have to know how much to push and when to back off and talk about something else such as the work day or the weather.

I appreciate the advice. At the beginning I was checking in with him every day but realized that was too much. I always let him lead the conversation so it really goes where he wants it to go. I am careful not to push too hard, and I never pry. Every so often I will ask him how he is doing with everything, but usually I just stop in for a friendly hello, whcih I had in the past from time to time.

Brody

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Brody

You have a big heart.

This grief journey does not end - it changes, but does not end.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Thanks Colleen. I truly appreciate the encouragement. I'll be there for him even if it is just for a friendly hello.

Brody

Brody

You have a big heart.

This grief journey does not end - it changes, but does not end.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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