Hi again , sort of a re intro / sort of a LONG vent - the whole story

[Dutchess62]

Hello every one . I have been meaning to write this for weeks . This may be a long and rambling essay but I HAVE To write this . There is no one else to tell , and no one much could possibly understand or care . It's a novel that could've been written by  Alfred Hitchcock. 

First of all I want to say hi to all those who joined since I was here last November . I am sorry we are having to meet under such circumstances. Second of all if my story seemed odd when I first came here last year , there is a reason and I will just lay it all out here . I have been away so long most will probably not remember . I had to make a new account again as I could not sign in anymore with my old so apologies there also . 

 I have been catastrophically sick since last Nov when the end of my 5 year benzodiazapine taper came to it's eventual conclusion . My late husband designed this taper and I promised him I would see it through . It turns out that I really did have a physical illness (dysautomnia) not an emotional one and a dr had given me so much medication over the last 16 years that I am now wheelchair bound and still very very ill . I am hoping that writing this out will help me somewhat as this exp has been mind warping . I was much sicker at the end of taper than Id ever dreamed and to say I miss my husband  every moment right now is an understatement .  I was in acute on his one year date and I ended up in the er with a resting heart rate of 135- sometimes I think I should have postponed it , or not done it . IDK.

 My husband died a year and a half ago , I told you all he choked to death because that is what his mother told me . The truth is I do not really know and may never know and it is tearing me up . He was at his moms house helping her 800 miles away when he died . He phoned me around 11pm on a Sunday night , an hour or so before the ME said he'd died and told me he didnt feel well and would I wait up for him on the phone if he went to the ER . I said absolutely , I am right here and will be waiting if you  need to call , text , whatever . He was very glad and the last thing we did say was I love you . 48 hours later I was frantic . His mother absolutely hates me , I mean hate and was not answering her phone . I hadn't gone this long without hearing from him in the 10 years that I knew him .   Finally a very distant church acquaintance of hers  phoned me 2 days later and had me sit down and she told me . I went to freaking PIECES. His mom had phoned several different people to try to get in touch with me but would not do it herself .  She woke up Monday morning and found his bedroom door locked , she left for the day and when she returned the house 12 hours later was as she'd left it with the lights still off . She called the sheriffs and they came out , broke the door down and then she told me they found him dead on the floor . They took him to the Sonoma ( Cal) county coroners office , she told them he was not married and they did what she wanted with his body .  This is why she waited so long to have anyone contact me .  So I could not interfere .

 She belongs to a crazy religious cult here and did not like it AT ALL that he left her home in his late 40's to marry me , she bragged loudly at the funeral that she'd broken up his first marriage after 6 months in 1990 also - and did not mention that marriage either on his death certificate.

 She told the coroner not to preserve him at all or cremate him in accordance to her religious beliefs and was quite stupidly shocked when they told her he would be leaving there not quite intact but they would do their best. Then she claimed the body and has him shipped to a funeral home in Bishop Cal  had him wrapped in a shroud with ZERO clothes on THEN had me called all the way up in Seattle with  junior in high school and no money for legal help . I could not believe this was happening .  I did not know she falsified the death certificate yet . I was in just horrible shock. Then the church members took over . Mainly large burly men that ensured things went how she wanted it , I have no family and was not from the area and I did not exist . 

 One of her church friends managed to convince her that I should be allowed to attend his funeral but it was horrible , I was a wreck and she made fun of my crying and the preacher called me out to come up and be SAVED three times or I would never see Kat again ,but I held out . 

 The reason she disliked me so and did not care to carry out what our wishes were or even our marriage is because my husband was transgendered. The photo that you all see here was his younger male self , he was beautiful both ways but she was convinced he was going to hell. Period . That I was ok with this was just as bad and that I somehow facilitated this and "allowed it to continue "  . I loved Kat , he was MtF when we met , I didn't allow anything . S/he would flow from male to female many times during the course of a day . I merely accepted and loved Kat unconditionally throughout the last decade of his life . She was the mom from the movie Carrie and she is terrifying . 

None of our friends were allowed to attend the funeral or come say goodbye. This was a snake handling freak out of an affair. 3 hours of fire , brimstone and death.  The church bought his casket and chose his grave . The only thing I was allowed to do was buy ALL of the flowers - or he would get nothing. She made it clear that NO  pictures of he and I would be displayed , only the ones of his 6 month marriage 30 years earlier .  She told the mourners I was his friend . Some knew I was his wife .  I am not allowed to purchase a head stone for him without her permission because it is her plot , She has a space beside him . 

 I was very grateful to the funeral director who witnessed this carnival . He was finally made aware- albiet late -  that I was really his wife and allowed me to stay for the actual burial so I could finally have some alone time with him . I watched in my chair under a tree ,in a dress he bought for me , as the backhoe picked him up , lowered him in that grave and after the director allowed me to place the first bit of sand over him , covered my whole world up . Had me come over to the fresh dirt and put my hand prints over Kats heart  just he and I alone . We then  rolled up the grass together and I placed his marker then that old man hugged me like I was his child . It was a small gesture but one I am grateful for .  We were supposed to be cremated and placed together in a niche we had in LA . We'd had a fire in 2016 that collapsed our apt BUILDING ( all nine units )  and burned every doc we had and I did not realize to the extent I would have to go to to prove who I was .

PLEASE keep all your docs up to date where you can access them .

My whole family is dead and I have never seen anything like this and I was completely unprepared  . There is no money involved here , due to my husbands status s/he mainly had to work under the table for  very long time. Many TG/TS 's are very broke or have to resort to alternative methods to make a living , so I cannot see any reason to tattle on an addled 80 yr old woman as far as the death cert is concerned however I would like to know what really happened to him and am thinking about contacting a private investigator to help me . I do not think foul play was involved I just want to know the truth , She claimed the DC said he choked but I cannot trust her .  

 I feel like I have been through some kind of war , it's bad . I even feel like I am not qualified to comment on peoples losses here because this was so weird . I feel weird . I wish my parents were still here and I will be so glad when Kat and I are together again . I am now well enough to leave the house in my wheelchair and go to counseling , I may be there for years after this . 

 I bought a house in cash in Bakersfield , Cal  with the money we received from the apt fire . Dear daughter graduated HS and now goes to musicians school in LA and I lived there before and I can see up in the Sierra's where Kat is buried and not have to spend 2 days each way trying to get there to visit . My sister lives in the Bay area also . 

 I inherited all of his things he left at his moms which she found "demonic " and some really beautiful large pink and white diamonds that he'd been designing for me in a ring to wear which I now do proudly . Most all of his material things. 

From now on I will post the pic of us how s/he really was and how s/he liked to be , Kat stood for Karen Audrey Todd and I miss her so . The pic of us I will post as my avatar from here on out  is the one from the day s/he asked me to marry her in Lincoln City, Ore at the sea and I said OF COURSE . I love you so . I'll love you forever . 

[KayC]

Hi, welcome back.  For those who may have been around back then, this is the original account/thread: 

 

I went back and read your original thread to re-familiarize myself with your story...your MIL is bizarre, the way everything went down was bizarre and it's no wonder you've had such a hard time!  Dealing with loss under the best of circumstances (whatever that would be) is hard enough.

I see in the time since you've moved to where you're most comfortable.  You've had a lot of adjustments.

Lincoln City is where I was with my sisters when I found out George was in the hospital in Eugene with a heart attack.  He hadn't wanted to "ruin my weekend" so wouldn't let the doctor notify me.  I barely made it back before he died.  

But I digress.  I look forward to seeing your picture of  KAT.  I have a close friend who is transgender only she's in the closet, so to speak.  I tried to encourage her to accept herself as she is but she struggles with her inner conflicts and continues to live her life as a male to the outside world.  Only her close friends and family know.  Fear of judgment is so harsh.  I am appalled at KAT's mom!  I agree with your friends, the less contact you have with her the better.  It seems to me she should be sued for falsification and robbing you of your rightful place as his wife.  Unbelievable!

I hope you've been able to find some peace with regards to the Russian situation...sometimes full closure is not afforded us as we can't always get answers after they're dead, but knowing who they really are and how they were with us helps.  We have to make our own closure with/without answers sometimes.  

 

[Dutchess62]

Yes I did actually with your help about the Russian situation . She ( MIL ) was/is a giant conspiracy freak and worships Russian people of all kinds , It was a family of Russians in her church that paid for his burial actually and I know she would pressure him to go that way hoping s/he would change who s/he was  and go back to  the old Todd .  Kat was very torn by guilt and fear of going to hell  the whole time we were together ,plus  guilt she should not have had about leaving her mom . Sadly I was the only time in his 53 years S/he was ever able to leave her mom and it was very difficult . Mom just exploded . It was very toxic and obviously she would stop at nothing to get him to go home and stay home . I am now sure she loved me as hard as I looked I only found her telling people about me and how much she adored me .LOUDLY too lol .  I could find nothing more about the Russian situation . She left me so many beautiful expensive things and I have never heard anything else . You helped me understand that in the grand scheme of thing this was probably a very minor speed bump in the road . 

The naked part bothers me alot , I know that I got all of his femme clothing after she died , all her girly stuff - thats the stuff MIL thought was demonic.To look at Kat , she would have had a difficult task to dress her in a suit again  and she wasn't going to put him in a dress , he'd had some minor  surgery and ALOT  of hormones and was different and I think as a total rejection of everything s/he was that she buried Kat with nothing on .  I have not spoken with her in a year this month . She was not ok with me even visiting him but the cemetery office told her this was a public cemetery and as long as I didn't cause trouble or break any rules that they could do nothing . No one there even sees me .

 I just spent the last 6 months in Grants Pass during this W/D I have been going through , my ex husband who introduced us ( they were both TG)  is an RN who was on a visiting nurses job and I had to go there. I have had to have 24/7 nursing care through this and He has been taking care of me and Jill graduated from HS there . I was not a good fit there but  it was temp and I stayed inside most of the time However I was near Eugene . VERY glad you made it back to your husband in time AND yes keep talking to you friend about living their true life . I never dreamed things would end so soon . Life passes by way too fast .

Yes , I cannot wait to post that pic of Miss KAT-rina and I <3 

[Dutchess62]

This is what I'll be using . This remains as Karen Audrey Todd's  FB cover photo as well . I guess forever . Such a difficult life . dad committed suicide when he was 9 and he was husband substitute until I came along .

 This was right after s/he asked me to marry her and I said yes . Kat was so happy there . Just so happy . S/he just snuggled me up  with one hand and took that pic of us with the other .

I wish things had gone easier . For all of us .

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Dutchess62 said:

the cemetery office told her this was a public cemetery and as long as I didn't cause trouble or break any rules that they could do nothing .

I am so glad to hear you can go to the gravesite then!

I think it's neat she was able to be herself around you, beautiful picture, by the way!  

Alas my friend isn't likely to change his stance on transitioning...or even coming out.  I think it's been quite a few years since he's even toyed with it.  I can't change that.  I think religion has him mixed up.  I'm a Christian but have more understanding than most about it because I've educated myself, belong to crossdressers.com where there is a lot of transgender, I learned when I got to know my friend, I'm glad I did.  We went to a drag queen show one night and the next morning in our conservative Baptist Church and I leaned over and whispered, "Wonder what they'd all think if they knew we watched a man dressed as a drag queen singing O Holy Night last night?  We both got the giggles!  Sorry, hope that doesn't offend anyone.  This is part of who they are, not meant to be offensive.  This particular group does so much charity work and has received so much hate in return, it sickens me.  People don't seem to understand that sometimes at birth their psyche and physique don't match, not their fault and it's not something they "choose", who would choose adversity?  No one wants hated on!

Anyway enough said there.  It sounds like you've made great strides since you were here before.  

[Dutchess62]

OH !! I love CD.com . I have not logged in there in many years ( Kat was very jealous )  but we were certainly all a family . I first went there during my marriage to ex husband and they helped me realize I had been on this path most of my life . I always swayed towards David Bowie/Marc Bolan types to begin with and I ended up learning alot about myself . It really is a great site . I know so many who live in hiding like that too , my ex husband is one of them . He is getting more at ease since Kat passed but really he saw that even though Kat took that leap and did not care what people thought , s/he paid dearly for it in many many ways . 

 I have had so many LOUD signs from Kat that it has helped me make it this far and kind of shaped how I am going to do "this" . First my self imposed withdrawal from grossly miss prescribed klonopin ( 8 mgs a DAY for nearly 20 years for complications of a burst gall bladder , had I known I would not have been within 20 ft of any benzo , very deadly ). Grateful my RN ex husband and his RN companion take care of me and other members of the trans community from everywhere take turns helping s/he and Jill  - they really are my family now .

Dr told all of them he was really not sure there would be a good outcome to this . I weighed 100 lbs down from 140 , I am trying to hold at 116-118 . My entire autonomous nervous system broke , everything automatic from my swallowing to my heart to my bp and down below all quit and was out of control . Some things are slowly trying to function but I REALLY had to have a will to LIVE through this . It was survive or die one terrible death  . Period . I did not know it was going to be this bad after tapering 5 years . It really hurt my body . I heard my ex husband tell a Dr at the hospital that I went down after the funeral and he just could not get me back up . I am better but still unable to live on my own at present . 

 I get feathers , smells, peacocks (Kat was my Pea I was his Hen and you may have seen where really femme CDers to TG's are called peacocks )  songs , names on TV , sometimes even little rose quartz rocks in my walking paths . We save all of this . My ex husband ,who was great friends with Kat before I even knew Kat , smells her perfume all the time as does our daughter . Even alone in the car he will smell this . I happened up on the stable where my horses are now on accident and it is called Peacock Park - one of many Peacocks . 

 This is where he really wanted us to be , born in LA s/he loved SoCal and when I first came down to look at houses s/he finally made an EPIC appearance in a visitation dream to Jill so sharp that she is still talking about it .  It has boosted all of us .

FIRST Kat s/he said s/he would absolutely be there for Jills graduation for HS and s/he WAS !! That s/he did not stay up day and night from 3rd grade helping her for nothing . lol 

 Then, s/he said that s/he is with us all the time , that I am the only one that cannot see or sense because I am so broken hearted - I either cannot see OR my grief is SO heavy that it has like a pulling effect . S/he knows this and said s/he waits in my doorway ( like I thought ) and sits on the side of the bed with me after I am asleep and holds my hand and kisses my face , She knows how sick I am and wants me to fight with everything . She hates to see me cry , and tries to get my attn.  She assured Jill that when it is my time she will be right there to get me- but not yet .That she is waiting, She even told Jill I had waited forever for her to leave her mom so now it was her turn to wait  . She reminded Jill that I have so many things to accomplish still that we wanted to do - so I am doing that or trying too .  That s/he hears when we are talking about her . S/he does ride in the car with My ex husband . Just all sorts of things . This was a very real talk to Jill. Jill sked her questions too and she said when Kat started talking  that she could not shut her up . She had so much information for us and that she wanted Jill to leave it on ch 19 when she went to school during the day . Jill turned it to that and it was Turner Classic Movies .  We are pretty convinced this was real . Regardless it has help me 1000% .Everyone is just so heartbroken over this and the way everything happened . My grown children my ex husband , friends, just all of us . We were all his family where s/he was finally safe to be anything he or she wanted to be and loved 100% with no guilt,hate or strings. Kat said daily that we were bonded forever , I am really starting to believe that now . I'm on a mission to get well and accomplish all the things we set out to do and honor that life in some way everyday . I must .

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Dutchess62 said:

I am the only one that cannot see or sense because I am so broken hearted

It's true, our grief can obliterate everything else.  Don't worry about it though, as you continue processing your grief, signs will likely come, dreams, etc.  Took me a year to get my first dream of George and at the time I couldn't understand why, we'd always been together when not working, why would my nighttime/dreams be so withholding?  I still don't dream a lot about him, it's shown me we can't necessarily conjure it up at will but at the same time I've learned not to worry about it, it does nothing to diminish our love or the deep meaning we held for each other.  At least you've received information through Jill and I hope that is comforting to you.

I love that you have a goal and that is to honor him by doing the things you'd planned to!  Hold that before you...