Shattered...heartbroken

[Sarah7055]

I left a bad marriage 2 years ago and a man who I had met through some community work I was doing became a close friend, he supported me through my breakup and the nasty things my ex husband did and slowly we became more than friends.

Our relationship was only over 18 months but he was my soulmate in every way, the most beautiful man I have ever met, he touched my soul and that of many other people - very unconventional, didn’t care what people thought of him, very spiritual (not in a religious way) and he taught me what love is and how a relationship should be. I have had a rough time with my marriage separation and finally last Friday the marital home sold and we were looking forward to a new, fresh start for us, we had lots of plans for the future... now all gone.

We didn’t live together as I was still in the marital home, but saw each other almost  everyday  and were in contact all through the day and night, last Sunday evening I sent him some text messages before I went to sleep, I woke around 5am the next morning and looked at my phone and he had not even read my messages which is very unusual, that’s when I knew something was wrong.I went to his place and found him, it looks like he had suffered a cardiac arrest.... there are no words to describe how I’m feeling, I know people here will know the feeling.......

I have 2 boys and I don’t know how I’m going to move forward from this... all I can do is cry, feel numb and cry

Please tell me things will get easier.... I hate this

[Billie Rae]

Oh Sarah,I'm so sad for you.You have had 2 traumas in a very short time.
I am 5 months in to my husband's death from pancreatic cancer,he was horribly sick for 3 months.
I can tell you for some of us it gets not easier but different,your first few weeks will be in shock and the pain will feel insurmountable.
I'm happy you found this place,the people here have supported me and let me know I'm not alone.Above all do what is right for your grief no one else's is the same as yours.We are here for you.
Read,share or rant,we get it.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sarah7055]

Oh Sarah,I'm so sad for you.You have had 2 traumas in a very short time.
I am 5 months in to my husband's death from pancreatic cancer,he was horribly sick for 3 months.
I can tell you for some of us it gets not easier but different,your first few weeks will be in shock and the pain will feel insurmountable.
I'm happy you found this place,the people here have supported me and let me know I'm not alone.Above all do what is right for your grief no one else's is the same as yours.We are here for you.
Read,share or rant,we get it.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

Thank you... his funeral is on Wednesday, it’s hard as I wasn’t a spouse and his family are making arrangements without really involving me.
He was not very close to them and I don’t think they quite understand the deepness of our connection and love....I’m suffering here on my own as I am trying to be respectful of what they are going through - I think a lot of regret.
He was only 48, this was supposed to be our time, now it’s gone.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[Billie Rae]

One thing I will tell you,You are not on your own,I am suffering for and with you.You know how deep your love is wether or not they acknowledge it,your heart knows.
My husband wanted no funeral as he also wasn't close to his family,he said we didn't get along in life why let them take time off work and take a trip under the pretense of my death,so I cremated him and grieve alone.
The public display of a funeral is for the people to say goodbye,your goodbye will take a lot longer and be much more personal.
Take time for yourself.
I hate to sound like a mother,but eat and hydrate,this pain puts your body under so much stress so if you can take care of it.
It helps many of us to write letters to our love,I still text him.
A good scream or temper tantrum helps too.
One minute,one hour at a time.
You will hear from others soon and the people here are very open and loving.
Hold on sweet one.
Love Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sarah7055]

One thing I will tell you,You are not on your own,I am suffering for and with you.You know how deep your love is wether or not they acknowledge it,your heart knows.
My husband wanted no funeral as he also wasn't close to his family,he said we didn't get along in life why let them take time off work and take a trip under the pretense of my death,so I cremated him and grieve alone.
The public display of a funeral is for the people to say goodbye,your goodbye will take a lot longer and be much more personal.
Take time for yourself.
I hate to sound like a mother,but eat and hydrate,this pain puts your body under so much stress so if you can take care of it.
It helps many of us to write letters to our love,I still text him.
A good scream or temper tantrum helps too.
One minute,one hour at a time.
You will hear from others soon and the people here are very open and loving.
Hold on sweet one.
Love Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

Thank you so much for your words, I’m trying to eat but I’m not hungry.... this feeling is relentless and debilitating, I feel like my whole world is off kilter.
To add to the situation my father has been very unwell and in ICU, my sister and I were called to the hospital yesterday as the Doctor wasn’t sure if he would make the day, fortunately he has turned a corner and is doing much better.
Couldn’t bear to lose someone else within a week.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[Billie Rae]

Sarah,my heart is with you today,as it is for all of us who have lost our love.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sarah7055 said:

I left a bad marriage 2 years ago and a man who I had met through some community work I was doing became a close friend, he supported me through my breakup and the nasty things my ex husband did and slowly we became more than friends.

Our relationship was only over 18 months but he was my soulmate in every way, the most beautiful man I have ever met, he touched my soul and that of many other people - very unconventional, didn’t care what people thought of him, very spiritual (not in a religious way) and he taught me what love is and how a relationship should be. I have had a rough time with my marriage separation and finally last Friday the marital home sold and we were looking forward to a new, fresh start for us, we had lots of plans for the future... now all gone.

We didn’t live together as I was still in the marital home, but saw each other almost  everyday  and were in contact all through the day and night, last Sunday evening I sent him some text messages before I went to sleep, I woke around 5am the next morning and looked at my phone and he had not even read my messages which is very unusual, that’s when I knew something was wrong.I went to his place and found him, it looks like he had suffered a cardiac arrest.... there are no words to describe how I’m feeling, I know people here will know the feeling.......

I have 2 boys and I don’t know how I’m going to move forward from this... all I can do is cry, feel numb and cry

Please tell me things will get easier.... I hate this

Sarah,

I am so sorry.  I had a previous marriage of 23 years and when I met George, knew he was my soul mate, we could relate to each other, our communication was amazing!  Our love was something I'd never experienced before, I learned so much from him, it was the best years of my life...but then he suddenly died, also a heart attack, Father's Day 14 years ago.  I've missed him each and every day since and will continue to miss him until I die.  I have built a life for myself with friends and my sweet beautiful dog, but now he has cancer and I will lose him too.  Life for me is not the same and never will be.  It's like an innocence is stolen, now I realize how quickly life can change, whereas I used to be able to take it for granted that life would continue as it was.  George was the best thing that ever happened to me, I take with me all that I learned from him, the love we share, and yes I use that in present tense because our love hasn't died just because his body gave out.  

I wrote this at about ten years out and hope something in it will be of help to you.  The single best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time, I continue that still.  I hope you will keep coming here and reading and posting, it validates our feelings and helps us know that what we're going through is normal for grief and we're not crazy...or if we are, we have plenty of company!  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sarah7055]

Sarah,
I am so sorry.  I had a previous marriage of 23 years and when I met George, knew he was my soul mate, we could relate to each other, our communication was amazing!  Our love was something I'd never experienced before, I learned so much from him, it was the best years of my life...but then he suddenly died, also a heart attack, Father's Day 14 years ago.  I've missed him each and every day since and will continue to miss him until I die.  I have built a life for myself with friends and my sweet beautiful dog, but now he has cancer and I will lose him too.  Life for me is not the same and never will be.  It's like an innocence is stolen, now I realize how quickly life can change, whereas I used to be able to take it for granted that life would continue as it was.  George was the best thing that ever happened to me, I take with me all that I learned from him, the love we share, and yes I use that in present tense because our love hasn't died just because his body gave out.  
I wrote this at about ten years out and hope something in it will be of help to you.  The single best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time, I continue that still.  I hope you will keep coming here and reading and posting, it validates our feelings and helps us know that what we're going through is normal for grief and we're not crazy...or if we are, we have plenty of company!  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.
 

Thank you Kay.
I’m trying but it’s still so fresh, particularly finding him the way that I did.Ive just sold my house and have to move July 12th, I can’t even begin to start packing, I don’t want to leave this house with my memories here , I’m lost , heartbroken and shattered. I can’t believe I’m in this awful nightmare, I just want it to go away and be like it was a week ago when he was still here.
The funeral is Wednesday and I have chosen to view him before , I would never have contemplated doing this before but I need to see him one more time and not keep thinking how he looked when I found him.
I will be back here and I will find comfort and guidance in your words but at the moment I’m too bereft.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

I understand.  It IS like a nightmare, one we can't wake up from!  I want you to know that the intensity of pain you're experiencing right now though will lessen gradually to something more bearable.  I will never forget what that early grief was like, it's unlike anything anyone can imagine unless/until they've been through it.  

Do keep us posted as you go through your move, the funeral, these are huge events in themselves, we want to be there for you.

[Sarah7055]

I understand.  It IS like a nightmare, one we can't wake up from!  I want you to know that the intensity of pain you're experiencing right now though will lessen gradually to something more bearable.  I will never forget what that early grief was like, it's unlike anything anyone can imagine unless/until they've been through it.  
Do keep us posted as you go through your move, the funeral, these are huge events in themselves, we want to be there for you.

Thank you..


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com