Hard day with idiots

[Billie Rae]

So I had to take Charlie's truck back to the bank today and I sobbed the whole time.

While there the manager called the financing department and explained that my husband had died etc etc so when the finance guy asked to speak with me the first sentence out of his mouth"hi miss Starr,I hope your having a great day"I was so angry at his disconnect I actually told him to F.O and refused to answer his questions civilly.

Talk about human robots!

I told him I was leaving the keys and he could figure out the rest!

The bank manager thought my tell off was amazing.

Its going to be a hard night.

 

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[chincube]

I'm so sorry to hear that!!! That is so horrible!!! What is wrong with some people???

Big big hug, please don't let that affect you too much, it doesn't worth it.

But seriously, how to talk to people in a humane, normal and compassionate way, really really should be taught in schools..... 

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Oh my dear, Im so sorry you had to go through all that...glad you told him how you felt though. Mabbe next time he'll think before he speaks... Know Im thinking of you, hope your night gets alittle better...sending lots of love and hugs my friend.  Jeanne

[beaniele]

That is just terrible. Good job on telling him off. I had a text from a family member on my birthday saying hope you are having a wonderful day. I responded saying I do not have wonderful days anymore since Roger died.

She seemed to understand and was more compassionate. I had told my husband daughter I was not celebrating. So to them it meant do nothing.

I tried to explain that not celebrating does not mean just ignore me. I think she got the message


People just do not think. They are absolutely clueless.

I am so sorry you had to endure such a heartless person. Take care and know you are in my thoughts.


Linda

[tlc]

Good on you Billie Rae for standing up to them and letting them know exactly how you feel. We should all do that more often.

This is such a hard journey that we are on and most people just do not get it.

I am trying to live the rest of my days with more honesty and awareness. This pain, this absolutely devastating pain must be for a reason. I am trying to negotiate that reason and trying to understand what I am supposed to do with it!

[KayC]

Billie Rae,

I'm sorry you had that encounter.  You educated one more person on how to (or not to) respond in grief.  Not that we need to have that role thrust on us when we have more than enough to deal with!  I bet he'll give pause for thought now...

And Linda too.  I just hope these people take it to heart and learn.

[KayC]

Found this on Carolyn Hax' column...
 

[Michelene]

A friend was talking to me about barely catching an airline flight. She said, "You're so lucky..." I said, "Lucky is not a word I would use to describe me. Luck is not something I consider having on my side." 

 

yeah, I feel real lucky. And this from a woman whose husband survived his heart attack, "because God was looking out for them." And so God wasn't looking out for my Eric? 

[JES]

I had a friend going on and on, complaining about her husband.  I said "I don't have a husband anymore, appreciate him while you have him",  she paused and apoligized for complaining.   I also tell people not to worry about the petty stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter. Just be good to each other.  My sister told me if I ever hear her complaining about her boyfriend, to let her know.  She gets it....sometimes we do need to educate others.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Michelene said:

And this from a woman whose husband survived his heart attack, "because God was looking out for them." And so God wasn't looking out for my Eric? 

That is unbelievably hurtful.  What is wrong with some people?

The thing that's been bugging me lately is kind of stupid.  I usually mute commercials, but sometimes catch the beginning of this stupid one for car repair coverage.  It's something like, "Your worst nightmare has happened.  Your car broke down."  Seriously?  No, idiots, my "worst nightmare" is losing my husband and that already happened.  Just shut up. Your car repair stupidity makes me want to scream.

[Moment2moment]

All of this is why I find myself retreating more and more from people. Many are brain dead and living in a fantasy world of personal gratification and social media brain washing. They just don't care about anyone but themselves. It is like they are stuck in a perpetual adolescence. 

[chincube]

16 hours ago, JES said:

I had a friend going on and on, complaining about her husband.  I said "I don't have a husband anymore, appreciate him while you have him",  she paused and apoligized for complaining.   I also tell people not to worry about the petty stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter. Just be good to each other.  My sister told me if I ever hear her complaining about her boyfriend, to let her know.  She gets it....sometimes we do need to educate others.

2 days ago a friend of mine was telling me about a fight she's having with her boyfriend. I understood that she was very devastated and questioning whether they share same values on life and humanity. On the other hand she's also upset that he doesn't put in more effort in working or saving the relationship.

I tried to be understanding for messages back and forth for few hours, and then I just couldn't not say that "As long as he's alive, you can work on it if you are willing to. I don't have that option anymore."

She said, "That's different, at least he loved you till the end of life."

I just couldn't anymore, I apologized to her and said I cannot continue on this conversation anymore. How do I still try to take care of another person's emotions and then get myself hurt in middle of it is a mystery, maybe I should learn to draw some boundary....

[KayC]

17 hours ago, JES said:

I had a friend going on and on, complaining about her husband.  I said "I don't have a husband anymore, appreciate him while you have him"

I have listened to one of my sisters complaining about her husband for years.  She has even gone so far as to tell me I'm lucky that I don't have to live with anyone.  I know my marriage to George was vastly different than her marriage to Bert and while I can sympathize with some of what she's been through, I've also pointed out where would she be if not for her husband.  A year ago she fell and crushed her vertebrae and I had to fight to get the doctors to do surgery...in the weeks following when she was in rehab, her husband made the 100 mile trip daily to be with her and when she came home he had bars installed in their shower, front porch, her bed.  He did the cooking, laundry, dishes, housecleaning, shopping.  He takes her to the store six days a week to walk the aisles in her walker so she gets exercise (they have no sidewalks and their house is small).  I asked her "What would you have done without Bert this past year?  I have no one to take me to the doctor, no one to take care of me and my dog, no one that even notices if I make it home or not."

It's amazing to me that we have to point these things out to people.  They just don't get it.  Her life may not be idyllic, I would never say it is, but she does have one thing to be thankful for, and that is, she still has her husband.  

Yesterday was his birthday.  She thanked me for loving him, she said most people do not.  I look past the rough exterior that is a front, and see his heart, he is a good man and I know he loves her.  

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, chincube said:

I just couldn't anymore, I apologized to her and said I cannot continue on this conversation anymore. How do I still try to take care of another person's emotions and then get myself hurt in middle of it is a mystery, maybe I should learn to draw some boundary.

Please, yes.  Do continue to draw boundaries and stick to them. What you said to her is more than reasonable, it's healthy.  IMO, you don't even really need to apologize for it.  It's okay to say, "I care about you, but I cannot help you with this. I can barely take care of my own emotional health (such as it is)."  If that upsets someone, well, that's just too darn bad.  If he or she refuses to understand the depth of your loss, then that's the way it goes.

I even had to do that with our daughter one time.  She is a treasure and is both very stubborn and very sensitive, just like her parents. (And boy didn't that make for some memorable moments in her teen years!)  We were on the phone and she was so mired in her own grief that she said what she had been saying often, "I am hurting too."  I told her that I would never diminish or dismiss her pain because she had the best dad in the world (absolute truth, IMO), but that if she wouldn't listen to me and what I was trying to say that I was going to have to stop talking just then and hang up the phone.  I would never slam down the phone or anything like that, but I simply could not continue the way we had been.  That shocked her so much that she begged me not to hang up and promised to listen.  It was very helpful to place that boundary even with my own daughter.

For a while, she actually took it too far by not telling me or asking for help with a few problems or frustrations.  Then she'd say, "I understand now that everything is so much harder for you.  You are dealing with so much pain and loss that I feel like my problems are trivial."  I told that her problems were not trivial and that no matter what, I'm still her mom and will be there for her, that her hiding problems would also make me unhappy, and I would tell her if I needed a break or time.  We finally reached a better place where she knows she can talk to me and ask for advice or help, but that I will stop her if something is just too much for me at the time.

There's not a thing wrong, not one thing, with putting our own grief and emotional pain first for now (or for always).

 

On 5/25/2019 at 7:37 PM, Billie Rae said:

the first sentence out of his mouth"hi miss Starr,I hope your having a great day"I was so angry at his disconnect I actually told him to F.O and refused to answer his questions civilly.

Geez.  It's one thing if the person on the other end of the phone doesn't know your situation, but this [insert insult of your choice] had just been told.  What an insensitive jerk.  From your posts, I know you are a kind, caring, and charming person (don't deny it; we know it's true).  You clearly reached the end of your rope and (to mix metaphors) that was the last straw.  Good for you for just letting him have it.  Who knows, maybe what you said and how you reacted got through to him and the next time he will think before going into fake happy mode.

Recently our daughter told me she's been answering honestly when someone asks, "How are you?" and that most people don't react well to it.  I'd been having the same issue and got sick of the social convention of "fine" or "good" or "okay."  I am none of those things.  The grocery clerk doesn't need to hear my story, but I have taken to saying things like "I've been better" or "Well, I'm alive, so I guess that's something."  I understand that the "How are you?" social interaction is modern custom, but I've always disliked it because the person asking doesn't really care how I am.  I realize some will think I'm wrong for not politely responding according to the forced script as expected, but I disagree.  I don't get angry with the person asking and I don't go into grisly detail.  I don't even mention why I'm not okay unless it's pertinent.

[JES]

@chincube  We can barely function ourselves ( especially so early on) let alone try to be there for someone else. You did exactly as you should have...in a very nice way.  Sometimes it helps to have an escape plan if you don't want to tell them outright...." someones at my door,  I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I have a call coming in that I need to take, or just ignore texts or phone ringing.  I tell people I wasnt up to talking.  Eventually I will call them back when I am able or want to talk.  Do whatever you feel comfortable doing or not doing.  Thinking of you. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis,I'm also done with the mindless"how are you"and have replaced it in my vocabulary with an observation about the other person,"I like that shirt"or"your hair looks great"
Anything but how are you unless it's someone I care for.
This journey has made me want different and not tolerate a lot of the mindless social norms.And I will not tolerate anyone stepping on my feelings or wasting my time or being thoughtless to me or anyone else.Just done and done
Love you

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