I haven't been here in a long time

[novangel]

As of Feb 2nd it's been 4 years.

While I can maintain a somewhat "normal" life again I am still struggling. Life is definitely forever changed, I can laugh and enjoy things but there is always a void. I still cry and still miss her. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD in 08 which is another level hell that only added insult to injury. I have been on meds for almost 3 years which helps but isn't a cure-all. I KNOW this is not how she would want me to be living or feeling but I just can't help it. I wish I could get over it 100% but at this point i'm not going to hold my breath. I don't know...I just go day by day. I was only 32.

This is just my situation so for others reading this that are new to the grieving process don't think that your going to have the same outcome, I have other issues going on that are not helping me get past this.

I hope others are doing well, I just wanted to stop in and say hello again.

[katmaii]

Hi Novangel,

I can't imagine ever really getting over this. It feels like I have been irreparably damaged by the loss of my Mom. Did you have traumatic circumstances at or surrounding her death? I have to admit I am a little concerned about PTSD because I had them remove the respirator and then watched her take her last breath. In fact, that is all I remember of the hospital, just signing the paper to remove the tube and her drawing her last breath. I haven't had nightmares. Haven't dreamed of her at all and I wish I would. (in a good way where she is safe and happy). I also have an anxiety disorder so that sure doesn't help.

I am glad you are back. We who are affected so deeply need all the support and strength we can get to go through another day. My mom wouldn't have wanted me to be crying all the time either. She lost both her parents by the time I was 16 (her mother when I was 4). She held it together and went on even though my dad was sick at that point. (he died when I was 24). I know I need to look at her example and learn, but it is so hard.

Hope to see more of you. God bless you and comfort you.

Susan

[ModKonnie]

As of Feb 2nd it's been 4 years.

While I can maintain a somewhat "normal" life again I am still struggling. Life is definitely forever changed, I can laugh and enjoy things but there is always a void. I still cry and still miss her. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD in 08 which is another level hell that only added insult to injury. I have been on meds for almost 3 years which helps but isn't a cure-all. I KNOW this is not how she would want me to be living or feeling but I just can't help it. I wish I could get over it 100% but at this point i'm not going to hold my breath. I don't know...I just go day by day. I was only 32.

This is just my situation so for others reading this that are new to the grieving process don't think that your going to have the same outcome, I have other issues going on that are not helping me get past this.

I hope others are doing well, I just wanted to stop in and say hello again.

Hi Novangel,

I've known people that struggle with the passing of their mother for years, so please don't feel like you are the only one. They say the mother-child attachment is one of the strongest bonds there is. That's a tough one to move forward on when it's time, from both sides of this. We have mothers who have lost their children, and struggle for decades.

You say you have other issues going on that aren't helping things. Feel free to talk about them, too, if that will help you. We want the "whole" you to be comforted and supported. There are many people here who are dealing with not only grieving, but stressful lives, jobs, relationships. It's all part of moving forward and still being in this world.

We look forward to talking with you again,

ModKonnie

[novangel]

Hi Novangel,

I can't imagine ever really getting over this. It feels like I have been irreparably damaged by the loss of my Mom. Did you have traumatic circumstances at or surrounding her death?

Well, there are several factors...

1) I have always had an overwhelming fear since I was a child about losing my Mother, so when it happened it was like my worst nightmare coming true.

2) Yes, her death traumatic. The circumstances to this day disturb me very much.

3) I did not deal with her passing properly. I took it so bad that instead of getting proper help I went numb and sweep it under the carpet. To face it was way too much to handle so after a few weeks I somehow went on like nothing happened. I even at some points tried to convince myself to dislike her and almost acted as if her passing was a good thing for me and my life. Anything to make it less painful...looking back I don't know HOW I could think such awful things but I was such a mess.

5) At the same time of her death my now ex husband (he's another long story) decided to ask me for a divorce so I then had to worry about divorce and being a single mother so I put the greiving process off for even longer. Nice timing right?

6) The next day I found out my brother was diagnosed with MS and then was fired from my job 2 weeks before Christmas.

7) Family history of anxiety and panic disorder. My Mother was my safety net.

8) Got a new job in 2008 that was/is very stressful and I think that may have pushed me over the edge.

So one morning after all was quiet, divorce was over, new house, new boyfriend and life was "great" the dust settled. I had nothing dramatic going on in my life that was a distraction anymore. I awoke to the reality, PTSD hit me hard. After that I was forced to face it all and have been struggling for many years. Thankfully I have medication to help me through but more than anything I just want all of this to be over with.

When any of you were a young child did you ever get lost from your Mother in public? Do you remember that feeling of overwhelming panic and separation anxiety as you were running around looking for her? That pretty much sums up how I feel inside.

Long story I know...goodnight everyone. I will talk more later.