I Miss My Brother

[AZKid8608]

Hello,

I lost my older brother K.L.H in March of 2018 due to natural causes. My brother was in his early 40’s and was found by his wife, my sister-in-law, hours after his passing. I remember the day I got the call of his passing. I was at work and my Mother called me around 7:30 P.M. and notified me that my brother had passed and I remember being in shock and then the overwhelming pain of emotions of sad, angry and heartache. After hanging up the phone, I remember my eyes started to fill with tears and the lump in my throat started to get stronger. I emotionally broke down in disbelief and cried for about 5 minutes straight before calling my wife to inform her of the sad news. I told my wife I was going to ask my supervisor to leave work early to be with my family during this difficult time. I approached my supervisor and I began to break down and tried to coherently explain the news I just received. My supervisor calmed me down and told me to take the rest of the night off to be with my family. I left work and headed over to my brother’s house. While driving I remember the last time we spoke in person and the very last conversation we had before his death. I remember thinking and feeling how guilty I felt of all the time we fought and argued. On my way to his house, I saw the flashing red and blue lights of fire trucks and police cars. I remember feeling that there is no way that this is happening and praying this wasn’t real. But it was and I started to cry. The paramedics were there on site to pick him up in the gurney and take his lifeless body to the morgue to start the process with the mortician and prepare him for his funeral/burial.

Later that night, I remember being in the car and being totally confused about all this whole situation. I remember that he texted me two days prior to his death and remembering thinking to myself, “I’ll talk to him later.” Not knowing that that text message were the final words that were written in text message. The day after his death I remember lying in bed all day and crying my eyes out to the point where I cried myself to sleep to just wake up and cry some more and asking God why he felt the need to take my older brother. Next week was his funeral, I remember trying to be strong for my family and everyone who was there to pay their respects and say their final good-byes. I knew from that day forward as I seen my brother being put in the ground that a piece of my heart went with him.

As I sit here and write this forum, my eyes are filling with tears and have a lump in my throat. I love my brother and the rest of my family very much. This is my story and I know and understand that everyone else’s story is going to be different but the feelings and physical/mental pain is all the same. We as human beings have to understand that this life is only temporary and your time to go can be at any given time. Me and my other brothers (two older and one younger) did what all siblings do; bicker and fight with one another. When my brothers and I would get in trouble my mom would make us hug one another tight and tell each other that we love each other. What I did not know then what I know now is this: love one another and be kind to each other because as we get older that is all who we are going to have is each other. What I wouldn’t give to hug my brother right now.

So to all those who are coping with your loss or losses. Every day is going to be different and that is okay. Take each day one day at a time and surround yourself with those you love and care about. Talk about it either to friend/family member or professional. There is nothing wrong with letting out the emotions from your eyes or your words. Live your life best way possible and live it for you loved ones who have crossed over. Whatever your religious or spiritual belief just know that you’re loved ones death is not the end. Live your life with love with the ones that you have with you here in this world and also live it for the ones who are no longer here in this physical form.     

[Nicole-my grief journey]

AZkidd8608,

You have expressed everything so eloquently. I identify with so much of it.  Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your mom was amazing for making you all hug each other after a fight. My mom was that way too. I lost her last July. I am so sad and sorry for the loss of your brother. Especially at so young of age and with what you had to see. I have lost two of my brothers (one was 33 and it was rare type of cancer and then most recently my 41 year old brother to a toxic mix of opioids as he never was able to cope with losing our other brother). I know what it’s like to see the ambulances, fire truck, gurney and all. It’s is an experience I work on letting go of in my mind a lot. I actively practice telling myself It doesn’t serve me and it doesn’t serve him. That was tio from my therapist. He was a beautiful person and I don’t like that there were spectators there watching all of the suffering. Neighbors out while my dad and I were helpless and devastated. Therapy has helped me with starting to change my thoughts about it. I also replay my last interaction with my brother. Why did I go back to work and not push one more time for rehab. In my heart I didn’t that day because me mentioning or pointing out what was happening became a source of contention and I didn’t want to risk loss of relationship with him or my parents.  I worked for years to try and help him overcome his addiction and in the end we still lost him. I have been the witness for both brothers and although it has been soul changing, I’m glad that I could make sure they were properly respected and taken care of, and that their things were taken care of after they passed. I wrote posts and shared pictures of them to remind everyone about the beauty of their lives because that’s what I want people to remember. Not the tradgedy of it all. I made sure I stayed strong for my family and then once the funerals were over and things were packed up...my grieving process really started. So painful. You’re right about siblings, life and that the love is all we have. To not take things for granted. No arguing, or situation changes the love between us and our siblings. We loved each other and that is what matters. Our good memories of and with them will aways be with us. I go fishing in my one brothers favorite spots every year. It was so hard at first and then over the years it has become my favorite place to honor him and his life. I look forward to going. I sit in the sun on that pier and think of all the good and how blessed I was to have him for 33yrs. My other brother who died last year, I am still working on with how to honor him. I still wake up and go to bed wanting to call him, hug him and see him. We were only 2yrs apart and so intertwined. On my good days, I make his favorite foods, wear a sweatshirt of his, and sometimes tell his jokes. It reminds me he’s in my heart. It doesn’t stop the physical yearning (that takes a long time), but because I lost my other brother 12 yrs ago, I know the grief transforms if you honor the loss and talk about it. T.J. Wray’s book on surviving the loss of a sibling has helped me, a long with physical activity like walks in the woods and the batting cages. You have my empathy. Sending you thoughts of understanding and prayers for peace in the future. Prayers for your family.

[AZKid8608]

Nicole, 

Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. I am sorry for you losses as well and I can understand how hard your experiences have been. I sorry I have not been on here as much and just replying to your message. As day goes on I am still dealing and coping with my grief over my brother. Since I shared this post I experienced two more deaths. One my 23 year old nephew and just a few days ago one of my uncles. Granted they are my brother's ex-wife but I still consider her and family my family as well. My marriage is on the fritz and my other older brother and I are not talking and my younger brother went out of state for Rehab for alcohol. So my life isn't going in the best direction but I am trying to maintain myself and it is difficult to say the least. 

[Marykn]

My parents came to my workplace. I saw them drive up through the window, and thought, why are they here? I left the meeting I was in, walked outside to meet them in the parking lot. My mother walking toward me saying, "Your brother is dead." 

I thought she said my grandmother was dead, which wouldn't be a big surprise since she was in her 90s and had cancer. I didn't understand why they seemed so upset. It came through to me that they were telling me my brother was dead, not my grandmother. I literally collapsed. I remember sinking down to my right against the railing of the porch I was on, my father reaching out to me. 

It's been 16 years almost to the day. It still hurts. My brother is who I knew best. We were kids together, only 3 years apart. We fought mightily, but we were connected. So many things in my life are connected to him and there is no one else with whom I share those things.

[Gail Harwood]

Hello: I joined this site today. I’m just learning how it works, as I’m typically not a social media site user. I empathize with, and totally identify with all your loss experiences. My sister died January 8 of this year. She was 65. She was my best friend and the only person left on this earth who shared and remembered childhood experiences and family dynamics and rituals. I now have no living, close relatives. I’m grieving the loss of my only sibling, and the loss of ability to identify with a family unit. What I’m recognizing in your stories, is that the grief and feelings of loss will last for a very long time. I also had conflict off and on with my sister, as you have all described, which is very normal for siblings. But I’m at the beginning of this loss and focused on the woulda, shoulda, type thoughts. It’s very painful to know I can never again say kind, loving words to my sister, to make up for less kind words or tone of voice. Once my parents died it was just the two of us left from the family. I’m the oldest snd tried to help her in every way possible. I’m praying she felt my love even through my imperfections.