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Loss of Father and Dealing With Probate


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So I have posted in here before in regards to my relationship with my mom. It is complicated to say the least . She has been manipulative and constantly acts like everything is worse ever since my dad died. Everything I do offends her. When I try to set boundaries, she says I am being cold and distant.


but that’s a different story. Basically when my dad died he left behind three car loans. I took on one,  my sister took the other and my mom is still paying on one. 

The bank was notified of my dad’s passing, but they won’t let me refinance the loan in my name without a will or small estate affidavit. My dad did not have a will, and his estate does not qualify for a small estate affidavit. Basically in order for this car to be insured and titled with my name, his estate needs to go through probate. 


Heres the problem. My mom has not done anything to initiate this process. And it’s been a year. I know grief is complicated, but financial and legal matters like this cannot be post poned this long. I have urged my mom to get this figured out but it seems she is more content in just acting like everything is fine and not dealing with it. I’m at the point where I can’t keep paying on this loan if I can’t get it in my name.


my friends say I should stop paying and drop the car off at my moms. I feel guilty doing this. But I also know I have exhausted all my resources to sort this out on my own. I commute for my job and I am scared about getting pulled over or getting in an accident. 


In January I told my mom this needs to be figured out by March or I am done. She freaked out and said that i shouldn’t put anything else on her, and that I am ungrateful. She makes me feel so guilty but my anxiety is so bad at this point that the only place I drive to is work. 

Another thing, somehow my sister and my mom figured out her loan...and got it in her name within a week. How can my mom help with that but not this one? I don’t understand. And my my sister won’t help because she doesn’t want to get in the middle. 

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Dear Ravens,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with the car. I know you are trying your best to be considerate but its also causing you a lot of stress.

Is there a credit counsellor? Or another trusted friend or family member that could intervene and help?

I know its really hard but you have to do what is right for yourself. I hope someone can provide some additional information that will help.

Thinking of you.

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mmmm, I'm wondering if your mother has male issues. Hence, she helps your sister but holds you hostage. Would it be different if you were a girl?
At this point, if it was me, I would do as your friend said. I would dump the car on her front lawn, stick the keys in her letterbox and write her off in my life.
I wouldn't even tell her. She can figure it out herself when she sees the car and the keys.
And I would block her from phoning me. And I wouldn't talk to my sister about it because she won't help me.
I have known too many manipulative people. These days, I just write them off and never talk to them again no matter who they are.
I'm not putting up with this sh*t anymore. F*Off.
But that's me.
Oh, another thing. If there was a legal way, I would sue the estate for the amount of loan repayments I have paid.
Manipulative people need to be put back in their place. They will never change. As long as they get away with it, they will do it for life.
A long long time ago, someone told me - someone once told her - Joanne, one day you are going to wake up and decide I'm not taking this sh*t anymore. That day came for me.
Making you feel guilty is her manipulation tool. They do the poor me trick, the crocodile tears trick. They turn the situation around to put the blame on us.

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Well, I’m a girl..so not sure if that theory works haha. I think it’s because she knows I can be persuaded, because I care and don’t want to dump that on her because I know she is dealing with a lot. But I am too. 

but I’m dropping it off, the banks parking lot...her house...not sure yet. But I’m done. 


Thank you both for reading my post and for your advice, it means a lot. 

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Ravens, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I can't speak from personal experience. Every state is different and every situation is different too. I do know it's easier with vehicles going to spouse then a child, but both can be complicated. I know here in my state that you have to have a certain amount for estate to go through probate. I also knows it's easier when someone has a will.

Good Luck

iI hope it all works out for you!


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Oh sorry, Ravens. I thought you were a boy because you tried to step into your father's shoes and take care of your mum. My mistake.
It's important for you to look after yourself first. No matter who the other person is, we must always look after ourself first because we cannot look after others if we are not fit to do so.
If your mother has a valid reason for not attending to the car, then that's OK. But if she can figure out your sister's car loan, why didn't she attend to yours at the same time. It sounds like she's playing games.
Don't play her games, dump the car on her front lawn. You need to set the boundary with her. Don't be a door mat.
And you don't need to step into your father's shoes and take care of your mother. She has her own business, she is only 60. She is quite capable of taking care of herself.
Helping your mother is OK but letting her walk all over you is not healthy. Put your foot down and set the boundary.
If your mother doesn't like it, blame me. Tell her to come here and I'll stick up for you. LOL.

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Agree with the advice above but Im living in Asia and dont have a car loan/house loan to deal with at the moment so I probably dont know everything.

I cant remember how was your relationship with your mum but it does seem to have some issues

Have you ever tried these:

1. Going to free legal help, credit counselling ?

2. Try to speak to your sister and mum again, if they dont want to, then set the ultimatum and say you have no choice but to leave the car at your mum's place. I dont think you are legally bound, to pay for this loan since it's not in your name. You are also worried because you will get in trouble by driving the car (am I right). This has to get sorted asap

If you drop it at the bank's parking lot, what would happen? They will look for your mum right? Perhaps you should speak to anyone, or a professional who has done this before and whether this is alright. If you just dump the car there you might need to inform the bank?

Since the spouse would be in charge. You did talk about probate and you may need someone to speak to your mum about initiating the process and what will happen if she doesnt do so soon.

On my hands, Im also dealing with my dad's LPA/deputyship because he has alzheimers and my mum passed on. I guess everything's a mess too.


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