Repeating dreams

[Stevie]

I just found this community last week. I wish I found it sooner. I lost my fiancé Roger on Thanksgiving. He was admitted into the hospital October 14 and took his last breath at 5 pm November 22. It was unexpected because he was doing well. In fact, the day he went back on a ventilator was the day he was supposed to be moved to a rehab facility. His passing was devastating and it broke me. I never felt pain like that before.

Since he has passed away I have had dreams about him. He is in the dreams but never speaks to me. The setting is typically the same... the hospital.  And in my dreams I always have a feeling of urgency and that I have to be there with him. He’s always conscious but doesn’t say a word but yet I know he needs me there. And I’m always there with him. 

I’ve had a couple of other dreams about him outside the hospital setting and he’s there but never speaks. Those dreams always have an unsettling feeling and I’ve said in my dream “That this must be the past because...” and I don’t finish the sentence.

The hospital dreams make me think about the days he was in the hospital. That brings out anger and pain because I never felt like he was being treated well enough. He had good medical care. I just felt that some of the nurses didn’t treat him well. 

I wish the hospital dreams would stop. The next day I think and dwell on his 35 day stay in the hospital especially the last 48 hours he spent on a ventilator before he passed away. It breaks my heart  and brings back all the pain again. 

Thanks for listening.

 

[John/Wendy]

Sorry for your loss. I’m almost 5 months in after losing my wife to cancer. The dreams are still happening for me. I think they are just part of our brains trying to “fix” or make sense of the “ Not Possible” situation we find ourselves in. I wish I had words to comfort you or tell you it gets better. The truth is I think we just have to let our brains do their thing until we can wrap our heads around everything. I think it’s human nature to replay and try to figure out all the “what if’s” and “whys” when we lose loved ones. Especially when suffering is involved. Our poor brains just can’t make sense of it. Acceptance and forgiveness I’m sure will eventually play a part in our healing. But I’m not there yet. Hang on, it’s a process from hell with what appears to be many sleepless nights and a brain that feels like it’s been put in a blender. Hope, time and healing is what we have to give ourselves. Love and peace to your dreams!

[KayC]

I have not had many dreams, it took me I think a year to have my first one, which I couldn't understand because he's uppermost in my heart and mind and we were always together when we weren't working!  

Stevie, I am sorry for your loss but glad you found this place, I hope you'll continue reading and posting here.  I wrote this at about ten years out, and hope something in it will be of help to you...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.