grief Memory loss

[JES]

I am at 6 1/2 month loss of my husband.  Lately my memory seems to have gotten worse.  I've been late on bill I was sure I had paid,  call people by different names than their own,  have people correct me on what day of week it is, today had grandson visit, his birthday is April 9, I had wrote on calendar the 19th. I explained if I don't send birthday text on monday, please understand if I forget.  He laughed and said no problem. I forgot a good friends bday, thankfully she called me that day, and mentioned having her birthday off, then I remembered, somedays takes me long time to even understand a text.  I check on dogs to make sure I didn't forget them outside. I could go on and on... I write notes, then spend so much time looking for them, I keep a calendar but always second guess if I've put right dates & times down. I feel so scattered and in a fog I'm even afraid to post at times.  This is newly worse than before, does anyone else do this or have any advice? I try to laugh it off but actually am getting worried...made 3 mistakes just today while grandson was here. Would appreciate your thoughts. Jeanne

[SSC]

I can relate to this, Jeanne.  I figure it has to do with prolonged stress, not sleeping well, and grief fog in general.  Life goes on around us and sometimes it’s hard to keep up.  Just today I realized I didn’t mail my house payment.  It was sitting on the counter all ready to go and I totally forgot all about it.  Thing is, I don’t care about all that stuff like I used to.  It was important.  Now it isn’t.  Im hoping things will get better as soon as I get into a better routine.  Lists help and I always keep them in the same place so I don’t lose them.  

I really don’t think anything is wrong besides having your life turned upside down.  Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through so much.  

[KayC]

OH YEAH!  Grief brain.  Grief fog.  Widow's brain.  Whatever it's called by, it's real, it exists.  When I went back to work I asked my boss to doublecheck my work...I was at a job where perfection was key (they made military airplane parts, everything to mil-spec, everything had to be certified and even though I was in the office, every step of the process had to be perfect).  Our brain goes through so much trauma just trying to process all this...I liken it to traumatic brain injury...we wouldn't expect to be back to normal following brain injury, would we?  No, it'd take a lot of time and effort, therapy to learn different ways of compensating for our loss...so it is with us now.  Little by little it improves although I'm not sure I ever got back to my pre-grief status with my brain.

Here are some articles on it:
https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
https://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain

and a thread on it:
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9845-grief-brain/

 

[Billie Rae]

Jeanne,Oh yes.I wished someone happy Friday today and it's Saturday.I have to keep post its all over and then forget what they mean.and time,I loose track of it so I'm late at times and before I was always early.Yesterday I couldn't remember if I ate.
Its frightening.
Love you
Billie

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[foreverhis]

Jeanne,  As you can see, you are not alone.  I forget things all the time and live in a perpetual haze. 

Sometimes the only way I know the day of the week is when I open my "day of the week" pill container.  Or when the newspaper arrives on Saturday or Sunday because we have a digital subscription for during the week.  Or when someone reminds me that it's whatever day it is.

I have lists, but even those aren't always enough.  I have a pile of papers that need to be handled and emails and pictures that need to be written, put together, and sent that have been sitting in my "What the heck is wrong with you, you lazy idiot?  Get it done." pile and list for months, literally.  I do the cliched things like put my keys in the fridge, leave food out that should have been chilled, etc.  Then I beat myself up for it, which is supremely unhelpful.

In more than 2 decades, we had never been late with our property tax payment.  Never.  Well, this past December, I wrote the check (we're not supposed to do digital bank payments for it), put it in the envelope, sealed the envelope, stamped it---and then put it in our files.  When it hadn't posted by December 18th, I called the tax collector's office.  Nope, they said they hadn't received it.  I was positive I'd mailed it, absolutely positive.  I searched, but couldn't find it.  I looked at the check duplicates to confirm I'd written the darn thing.  After 3 days of searching, I found it filed with the bill statements for the month. 

I had to call the office back and explain.  Of course, they wanted several hundred dollars of penalties by then.  I talked to a very nice agent and explained that my husband had recently died and my brain simply wasn't working right.  I pointed out that we'd never been late with our payments.  She sent me a form with return envelope to go directly to her.  She said to include the original check and write the explanation I'd just told her. She took it directly to the tax collector to get a waiver for me.  I really appreciated the understanding.

Our spring payment is due next week.  I was terrified I'd do the same thing.  When paying the bills last week, I did that one separately, one step at a time, to make sure I didn't screw up again.

Grief brain, brain fog, exhaustion, lack of sleep, stress.  We can call it whatever we want.  The bottom line is that our brains simply don't have any reserves left to function day to day like we used to do.  Maybe time will help ease that the same way time is supposed to help my cortisol levels go back toward normal.

[JES]

Thankyou for all your input.  I can see we all seem to go through this...Im sad for us all but also relieved that it does happen to others too.  I had been doing better " brainwise" then to get worse was so scary...you would think it would just get better and better....not so apparently.  I have my dining room table will all paperwork, bills, etc. all in rows, as out of site, out of mind. Helps to walk by and have the reminder, plus I put due dates on outside so I can see at a glance.  I don't like the cluttered look but think its best for now.  I was even worried about driving with my brain fog, now try to go out when head feels clearer.  I read thread, articles and all your stories.....and yes, its frightning..am so glad you shared them,  at least I can feel like I'm not going crazy or losing my mind. ..theres hope for better focus someday for us.  Thinking of all as we go through this long sad journey. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Jeanne,don't get me started on driving,sometimes I forget where I'm going and things look unfamiliar or I drive to work when I'm supposed to be going somewhere else[emoji23][emoji23]

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  I so get it, I had to drive 1 hr. to another small city to sign paperwork last week, first time without Kevin, our guys office had moved 1/2 block and I drove round and round 2 block area, not finding it, over & over. I finally parked and just walked until I found it...     I talked with him quite abit and he mentioned twice, that hes never had someone my age worry so much about going in a nursing home...so thats where my minds been at lately.  On way home eagle ( my kevin?) flew in sky in front of me.  So maybe he was with me the entire time.  I am so wanting this grieving process and its effects over.  My upper back, neck, head hurting from so much tension. I remembered you having a back kink?? awhile back.  I roll on tennis ball, like a deep massage, and it helps so much..if I remember to do it.  Thankfully we can share and understand.  Love to all.

[John/Wendy]

Can so relate. Woke up this morning and literally didn’t know who I was. Very scary feeling. Most days it just feels like I don’t belong here. Nothing interests me. Nothing makes sense. I don’t even know how I can function at work, but somehow I muddle through. I try to watch tv but can’t even keep a train of thought or interest in the story. Just feels like my brain has been put in a blender. Memories seem more of a curse than a comfort. My dreams used to bring me some rest and solace but now they are just as chaotic as my life. When ever I see my wife in my dreams now, I just find myself trying to “fix” her illness and then my mind reminds me she’s dead and she just fades off and I wake up. Sleep is not my friend. I keep waiting for things to get better, but the reality is, this is just part of life. I find myself remembering “Old People” throughout my life and how “Crazy” and “Disoriented” they could seem during conversations. And now I realize what that feels like being on the other side. Finding and believing in a future without my Love is the worst hell I could ever imagine. Only the hope of being where she is one day keeps me semi sane. Finding our way though this is definitely going to be the hardest thing in life we will ever face. Love to all.

[Fmf]

4 hours ago, JES said:

I was even worried about driving with my brain fog,

I definitely experience brain fog.  The driving part is definitely the scariest.  Last week for 3 days in a row I have no memory of how I even got home from work.   My commute is 1hr to 1 1/2 hr long.  I have really made a conscious effort to not get myself into such a zone.  As so many have said we all experience it and it is a real thing.  I think by knowing it's "normal" does make it easier in a sense.

 

4 hours ago, JES said:

I have my dining room table will all paperwork, bills, etc. all in rows, as out of site, out of mind. Helps to walk by and have the reminder, plus I put due dates on outside so I can see at a glance.  I don't like the cluttered look but think its best for now.

JES your table sounds like mine! We are in this together

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, JES said:

I had been doing better " brainwise" then to get worse was so scary...you would think it would just get better and better....not so apparently.

The grief journey seems to be full of twists and u-turns.  It's not a straight or easy road, that's for sure.  We will naturally have ups and downs and circle back around.  Having a bout of grief brain after doing better would definitely be scary, but I don't think it's unusual.  I've no doubt we all go through frustrations where we feel we've made progress and then something happens and we find ourselves feeling as if we've gone backwards.

From stories I've read here, articles I've read online and elsewhere, and my own experience now going on 9 months, I can say that no one seems to go from point A to point B and so on.  Grief doesn't have an ending, but rather is something we learn to live with as an unwelcome partner on the rest of our journey through this life.  It's going to take a long time with many likely setbacks.  All we can do is try to keep going as best we can.

Always remember, no matter how foggy things get, that you are not alone.

[JES]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input and to feel I am not alone in this memory loss, confusion and foggy grief brain. Part of it, I think was caused by anxiety, worry also which is why my back, neck and head hurt so bad, so much tension causing extra pain from being so tensed up.  Ive been rolling on tennis ball every day for massage and the pain is almost gone, my brain still not clear but so much better.  I think going in for a deep massage would be even better but also gets expensive so I do what works for me.  I had mentioned in another post I was only beginning much of needed paperwork and it was also stressing me so bad, I worried about what to do about house, cottage, etc.  ( should I sell or not??)  My son and I went to elder care attorney today and he helped me so much, to understand the laws, etc. and will do some things for me, and advised me on other things.  My son learned alot too, and I set up power of attorney and someone to make medical decisions in case I cannot.  Its so scary being single now without my loved one not there to make these decisions.  It weighed heavily on my mind. So I can say some of the worry has been lifted, and my son being there, can remember what my grief brain doesn't.  It isn't cheap to do this, but for my peace of mind, health,  and help at this time, I consider it well worth the money. I hope others have someone to help them through all these things also as our muddled up brains can't always do it alone.  My thoughts and love to all of you. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Love you Jeanne[emoji307][emoji8]

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Awww...your such a sweetheart.  Love you too, my friend.  Jeanne