Purpose

[KayC]

When my George was alive, HE was my purpose.  When he died, I felt like I had no purpose.  It took me years just to process his death, let alone find purpose, and eventually build a life for myself that I could do.

Today I read a quote by Carolyn Hax that I thought was worthy of sharing...perhaps some of you also feel you've lost your purpose...

"If a purpose eludes you at the moment, then it's okay just to appreciate the good stuff around you.  Attentiveness can reveal a purpose, or be one unto itself."

 

[tlc]

Well Kayc, totally with you on this one. Terry was my pupose and I believe that I was Terry's purpose.  For twenty one yaers, that was how it was with us.

Since he left this mortal plain, I have been struggling to find a reason for me to remain. I have sort of found ä"reason by concentrating on completing renovations on our home that Terry did not have the time to complete. It is a purpose of sorts but not really. I am still here in our home that we loved but without him. He should be here to be doing this and seeing the completed works but he's not. It's just me alone and it means not a lot. I would so much rather live here in an unfinished house with him by my side, loving me and me loving him.

So, finding a purpose feels a bit false to me at this time but what choice do we have unless we just give up? Tempting sometimes though!

[KayC]

Dr Phil said something a while back...when something really hard hits us, we need to give it meaning...in other words, give it a purpose.  Such as if a person's child is murdered, lobby a bill so that the same doesn't occur to someone else's child.  I have spent 14 years on grief forums, addressing other's posts, reading, reading, reading, learning from books and articles and from other grievers' posts.  This is my purpose.  I do other things, I volunteer at the senior site, I'm treasurer for my church, because it needs doing and I'm grateful to my church for all it gives me.  I'm also on the Praise Team (leads worship) because I enjoy it.  But the grief support group and coming here and to my other forum, those are my "purpose".  Our purpose can change throughout our life.  At one time my "purpose" was being a mom.  My kids grew up and flew the coop and suddenly I was no longer needed as much in their lives.  When I met George, he was my "purpose"...we literally lived and breathed for each other!  We were very happy in our cocoon of a world...until he died.  Suddenly I was left floundering, void of all happiness...and it took deliberation and looking to find the beauty around me.  I learned not to compare what is to what was because that tended to nullify the good that existed today.  I embrace whatever good there is, and have learned this as a new way of life.  Before it was so easy, it just naturally came to me, I enjoyed my life with him!  Now it takes looking for, acknowledging, embracing joy, no matter how fleeting, nothing is too trivial to count.  I'd hate to think what my life would be like if I hadn't learned this art.  Yes, it's an art, anyone can learn it, it comes with practice.  We all have had our dark pits since our loss, it's easy to go into the dark pit and stay there, but how good is life like that?  Isn't it better to climb out through effort and make our lives something good?  We didn't choose our loss, but we get to choose how we handle it.

[Heart&Soul]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

We all have had our dark pits since our loss, it's easy to go into the dark pit and stay there, but how good is life like that?  Isn't it better to climb out through effort and make our lives something good?  We didn't choose our loss, but we get to choose how we handle it.

Such an inspiring message.  I have taken your advise and tried to find moments of joy however small each day and it is truly making me feel a little better.  Thank you KayC for being such an amazing human being and providing the wonderful support that you do to this community.  You are loved.

[KayC]

Last night I heard Dr Phil and Oprah Winfrey talking and when they were discussing her book, The Path Made Clear it sounded to me like a book worthy of reading...she talks about purpose.  So much of it is in her outlook, it sounds like a good read.  Although the book is not directly about grief, purpose is an issue (or rather lack of it) pertinent to most of us grieving.

https://www.amazon.com/Path-Made-Clear-Discovering-Direction/dp/1250307503/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=323127499850&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9033078&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=b&hvrand=1413038887499780855&hvtargid=kwd-604344114468&keywords=the+path+made+clear&qid=1554905242&s=gateway&sr=8-1

 

 

[KayC]

I just read this in Carolyn Hax's column with regards to the original post:
 

Hi, Carolyn:

I liked your answer about finding one's purpose in life [from your April 4 column], but what you said about it being something to hang onto when life is overwhelming is the problem. I have nothing to hang onto in those situations -- which are too frequent. I have absolutely not found a job/career that works well for me, at which I am good and which I also enjoy. I am not a parent, I am no one's best friend or spouse, I don't have a truly meaningful hobby or volunteer work. So, when life becomes difficult, I go to a dark place -- why the hell am I even here?

Yes, I am in therapy and on meds, but those only go so far.

-- How? (Cont'd.)

Internal motivations are the most reliable, but even they can falter -- and it is good to have reliable reasons to keep moving. Career, as you say, or kids, loved ones, hobbies.

But framing this as a "life purpose" issue may have set the stakes higher than is helpful to you, though. There are days I get out of bed only -- only -- because I really want coffee.

And there are afternoons where I push to finish something only because it feels better not to leave stuff for tomorrow.

These are tiny pleasures. Connecting one to another to another across a day might not feel grandly productive, but the constellation it creates is pleasant enough to behold.

When you're uncertain what you can count on, it helps to start with these smaller things instead of reaching for validations that depend on others. Finding a rewarding job/career, for example, typically involves getting hired/educated/paid; a marriage or best friendship is 50 percent in someone else's hands.

But the hobbies, volunteering, coffee -- all you.

 

And "all you" means you can start lining them up tonight. If you want to.

And they aren't what others lobby for or what you "should" want -- they need only appeal to you.

So look to past pleasures. Look to ways you've shown love and connection to others in the past. Think what you choose when you have a pile of options -- where do you shop, what do you read, in what order do you graze through a newspaper (promise me that's not extinct), what old magazines do you flip through when your phone dies? What do you do when you procrastinate? What were you doing when you last forgot what time it was? Heck, what meal are you excited about?

It's hard to make this a conscious process, in part because it invites self-doubt. But merely creating a series of things you look forward to is therapeutic, no matter how small they are. Trust you can find you in there.

Re: Purpose:

I go through phases where I can't think of a reason to get out of bed. That's when I start doing things just for me: staying in bed, or I take myself to the movies or a nice dinner, or shopping, or spending time with my nephews, or baking (and giving some to my neighbors, which always makes me feel good). I don't think everyone has a purpose. Some of us just exist and I think that's OK.

-- Anonymous

[Billie Rae]

Love Love this

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[KayC]

Yeah, what I got out of this is quit reaching for something profound and let it be something reachable in your everyday life!  Even a cup of coffee is enough to get out of bed for! 

 

[Billie Rae]

And to be happy for the little things.oh boy do I live for good food,and flowers oh and kittens[emoji16]

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[JES]

This column says it so well.  I get up for my dogs, but also for my morning Mt. Dew ( not a coffee drinker). Its also sometimes the only thing that drives me to go to store if Im running low.