Regrets

[GrievingSoul]

I’m at one of my lowest points today. I’ve been grieving so much now that I’m beginning to regret that I ever met my love. Had I known that we would only have 9 years together, I would have rather not have met him at all. I would happily give up all of the blissful times we had together, and the memories we made if I knew it was going to end like this, and so quickly. I can’t imagine bearing the pain of his loss for decades to come, let alone another minute. It’s hurting so badly, and sometimes I feel like the grief alone is going to be the death of me. 

 

Not only do I regret the brief time we shared on Earth before he was taken away from me, I also regret the personal improvements I was making this year. The more and more I think about becoming the “better version of myself,” the more and more I can’t fathom the idea of “moving on” with my life with another man. I don’t feel any man deserves the best version of me other than him; they didn’t “put in the work.” When we met, I was a total mess, with just becoming a mom for the first time, and with the biological father of my child not doing his part in co-parenting. He took on all of my problems and was there every step of the way as I progressed in life. He was there for my lows, and I so wanted him to benefit from my highs. I feel like I OWE my highs to him; I don’t want to give any man what I consider is his by right. It’s not fair. I never thought I would lose him so early on in his life. His mother and stepfather is in their late 70’s, so I thought we would both have equally as much time with one another. Although there was a 24 year age difference between us, he was my soulmate, and he was so full of energy and life. Now he’s gone. And all people keep telling me is how young and beautiful I am (I’m 30, and he was 54), and how someday I’ll “find love again.” But I only desired to build a life with him, and no one else. He was my best friend, and the father my son never had every since he was a baby. I just hate that he won’t get to see me blossom into the successful entrepreneur he knew I was going to be. Every time I think about it, I hurt all over again. I see no end to this grief. 

[KayC]

You're right that it's not fair.  You're only regretting meeting him because you're in so much pain, it's acute in the beginning!  Later on the intensity will lessen and then you will have a different perspective.  Sending you big hugs, sounds like they're needed!

[ccoflove]

Sending you a hug Greiving Soul. I find similarities in our situation. I also have at times thought maybe it would be better if i hadnt met my love because the rest of my life feels destroyed having to bear the pain of missing what we had. That feeling has passed, and I wouldnt trade the memories to avoid the pain, though they are everywhere i go.

He was the best thing to happen to me, and the love of my life. My love was 22 years older and died way too young too, at 64. He never got the chance to enjoy retirement that he so deserved. He would reassure me that people in his family lived long and healthy lives and he would be around a long time. He taught me so much when he was alive and in his death also.

To appreciate the one you love and not take your time together for granted or sweat the small stuff (or big stuff), which unfortunately I did sometimes. He use to kiss me each morning before he left for work at 5 am and eventually i told him to stop waking me so early and let me sleep (i work 2nd shift and get home late). Regret is one of the hardest emotions to deal with as I wish so badly to make things up to him and be a better partner to him but dont have a chance to. I wouldnt want another man to gain from these painful lessons, I want to give all my love and appreciation to him.

He suffered the grief of loss in his life, his son committed suicide before we met and he lost his leg in a motorcycle accident at 18 and had type 1 diabities to manage on top of it all. Somehow he managed to get up each day, work hard, smile, make me laugh, be positive and productive and keep going. He was an inspiration to a lot of people and always helping others out and encouraged me in everything I sought to accomplish. He was my biggest cheerleader and the one I could count on to rescue me when i needed. I owe everything I have to him. He is my hero. The best tribute I can give to his life is to live as he did and not to give up. Grief changes you but there are some blessings to find in it if you can learn something positive and be a better person from it. Easier said then done, Im still working on it. Try to hold firm to your love and know that in order to experience the great love you had you must also be able to feel the lows and sorrow all part of living. I pray for us all to heal and the chance to reunite one day. 

[Billie Rae]

I’m at one of my lowest points today. I’ve been grieving so much now that I’m beginning to regret that I ever met my love. Had I known that we would only have 9 years together, I would have rather not have met him at all. I would happily give up all of the blissful times we had together, and the memories we made if I knew it was going to end like this, and so quickly. I can’t imagine bearing the pain of his loss for decades to come, let alone another minute. It’s hurting so badly, and sometimes I feel like the grief alone is going to be the death of me. 
 
Not only do I regret the brief time we shared on Earth before he was taken away from me, I also regret the personal improvements I was making this year. The more and more I think about becoming the “better version of myself,” the more and more I can’t fathom the idea of “moving on” with my life with another man. I don’t feel any man deserves the best version of me other than him; they didn’t “put in the work.” When we met, I was a total mess, with just becoming a mom for the first time, and with the biological father of my child not doing his part in co-parenting. He took on all of my problems and was there every step of the way as I progressed in life. He was there for my lows, and I so wanted him to benefit from my highs. I feel like I OWE my highs to him; I don’t want to give any man what I consider is his by right. It’s not fair. I never thought I would lose him so early on in his life. His mother and stepfather is in their late 70’s, so I thought we would both have equally as much time with one another. Although there was a 24 year age difference between us, he was my soulmate, and he was so full of energy and life. Now he’s gone. And all people keep telling me is how young and beautiful I am (I’m 30, and he was 54), and how someday I’ll “find love again.” But I only desired to build a life with him, and no one else. He was my best friend, and the father my son never had every since he was a baby. I just hate that he won’t get to see me blossom into the successful entrepreneur he knew I was going to be. Every time I think about it, I hurt all over again. I see no end to this grief. 

Oh how well I understand the feeling of regret.Some days I wish we had never met or that I had never married him.But I also know I wouldn't be who I am without knowing and living with him he made me more patient,more thoughtful and settled from my wild ways.
Love and sweetness to you
Billie

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