2nd year mark

[karo92]

I don't know exactly how can I start

First, for those who might remind about me, I was ka9219 but I was unable to recover my password, and I found easier to create a new account

I remember to get into the forum when Mario, my boyfriend, just died, looking after some hope, some post to tell me: "don't worry he is coming back", or "after the one year mark you will be whole again", and stuff, but instead I found different versions of the same story. After all the time, pain "changes" but it doesn't go away, only settles, sadness, depression, anger and frustration becomes part of our lives, and different things happens throughout the way. We all handle this different, some people are feeling way much better after the one year mark, some others have been 10 years and feels as rough as the first day. Do not put pressure on you that doesn't need to be added, life is hard enough, grieving is exhausting, sadness is overwhelming, anger is what moves us most part of the time, and life keeps going without them -the hardest part if you ask me-.

I am still in contact with his family and one of his brothers is about to get engaged, the other one is going to start a successful business, his little sister is beautiful as she could be and soon to become a nurse, his parents got a new house in a wonderful place and I am starting my degree master, life moves, and moves forward without them. Everyday I wonder how things would be if he was here, how much different things could be.

Depression settled in my life as bitch companion, it makes me doubt, cry, stop, hesitate, some days I am not even able to get out of bed, but I had get used to it, I cry when I need to, lay when necessary and got mad if needed, we own nothing to no one, and after every day, I lay on me bed and I can only feel the huge hole he left behind, I think about how much I miss him, some days I cry, some others I don't. And pain, is not the same pain I felt the first or second day after he died, is not lesser, but it is different, is like if it hurt me all it could, so I would never be able to heal and the pain I feel today is the unhealed wound it left, like a zombie, I died that day, but yet I wasn't able to finally rest, instead I was left in here, death alive. 

The hardest part is to be a young widower, at my 27 people expect so much from me, to finish my studies, to be happy, to be joyful and of course to "find someone else" I am not saying it won't happen, but I don't feel ready for it yet, and I am not sure if I ever would be, but time will say it. 

I have so much to say but words sometimes are not enough...

[KayC]

For those unfamiliar with your story, here it is: 

Welcome back here, seems it's common to have a hard time getting in after being gone a while, they need a way to reset the password.
What you have learned is what we have learned, that it doesn't go away and there is no "moving on" from it, only trying to figure out how to continue in light of this.  I know not to compare but it does seem to me to be so young with loss would be very hard because your friends are in a very different place in their lives, marrying, buying houses, having children.  I found even when I was 52 my friends could not relate, nor could my family, except my mom...she lived as a widow for 33 years.  I don't know how she did it except probably much the same way I have the last 14 years.

[ccoflove]

16 hours ago, karo92 said:

Depression settled in my life as bitch companion, it makes me doubt, cry, stop, hesitate, some days I am not even able to get out of bed, but I had get used to it, I cry when I need to, lay when necessary and got mad if needed, we own nothing to no one, and after every day, I lay on me bed and I can only feel the huge hole he left behind, I think about how much I miss him, some days I cry, some others I don't. And pain, is not the same pain I felt the first or second day after he died, is not lesser, but it is different, is like if it hurt me all it could, so I would never be able to heal and the pain I feel today is the unhealed wound it left, like a zombie, I died that day, but yet I wasn't able to finally rest, instead I was left in here, death alive. 

Thanks for checking back in. I am 5 months in so it is nice to hear from others with more time behind them. The pain is not less, but we are more adept at coping with it.

Yes its a bitch companion! I like the way you describe it. It sounds like you do a good job of self care and doing as much as you feel. We dont owe it to be fixed for others sake. It is our journey to decide what is right in our own time.

I feel like a zombie too, the living dead. Like Groundhogs day each day feels the same sadnesd. I am in mt midlife so I guess this is my midlife crisis, having to reinvent my life w/o him. Its good that you are open to the possibilities the future may hold. Just as our spouses leaving was a tragic surprise, hopefully some good surprises will come our way later. Thanks for sharing your feelings. Hugs! -C

[karo92]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

For those unfamiliar with your story, here it is: 

Welcome back here, seems it's common to have a hard time getting in after being gone a while, they need a way to reset the password.
What you have learned is what we have learned, that it doesn't go away and there is no "moving on" from it, only trying to figure out how to continue in light of this.  I know not to compare but it does seem to me to be so young with loss would be very hard because your friends are in a very different place in their lives, marrying, buying houses, having children.  I found even when I was 52 my friends could not relate, nor could my family, except my mom...she lived as a widow for 33 years.  I don't know how she did it except probably much the same way I have the last 14 years.

 

KayC, I am glad you remember me, I always carry you with great love and grateful in my heart, your words help me out through the darkest times of my grieve and you advice was always wise and caring.

Indeed we can not compare life, but it is so hard to see how people of my age, as you say, are getting engaged, marry, are joyful, and as happy as they can be, I had to put myself away from them only because it was so hard to see them own what once was mine and was so unfairly taken away from me. I don't think it is their fault and of course my heart doesn't envy what they have, I always crave for what once was mine.

We learn to move with time as a leaf, not willingly but just flowing as time moves by, is it good? I don't think so, is it necessary? I think it might be the only way to survive such a pain, after all, we have learn we own nothing, not time, not decisions, not our future

[karo92]

5 hours ago, ccoflove said:

Thanks for checking back in. I am 5 months in so it is nice to hear from others with more time behind them. The pain is not less, but we are more adept at coping with it.

Yes its a bitch companion! I like the way you describe it. It sounds like you do a good job of self care and doing as much as you feel. We dont owe it to be fixed for others sake. It is our journey to decide what is right in our own time.

I feel like a zombie too, the living dead. Like Groundhogs day each day feels the same sadnesd. I am in mt midlife so I guess this is my midlife crisis, having to reinvent my life w/o him. Its good that you are open to the possibilities the future may hold. Just as our spouses leaving was a tragic surprise, hopefully some good surprises will come our way later. Thanks for sharing your feelings. Hugs! -C

Hello C! 

I am so sorry for your loss, after 5 months it is still so overwhelming, it is still hard to identify what is real or what is not, I remember little about the first three months right after he died, after the forth one, I started to built up myself from the pieces that were left and to be honest, I am not even half of what I was, I see old pictures and I wonder how I was so joyful and alive on those photos! So I can't imagine going through so many changes and rebuilt process, plus middle age crisis, my best advice? Give yourself what you need to, if you need chocolate, if you need to sleep or if you need to spend all day watching The Lord of the Rings, just do it! 

Tragedy is what dig deeper in our minds, and the sudden death is and always will be a heartbreaking weight to carry

I live with this thought: "Maybe some day, thing will be better", if not that's ok, it is not getting any worse anyway!

Sending hugs 

[Pim]

10 hours ago, karo92 said:

... after all, we have learn we own nothing, not time, not decisions, not our future

Wow! You are so right.

Thanks for rejoining the forum. I am not that long on the forum myself. Experiences, good or bad, from others help me make my way on this grief journey.

You remark reminded me of a German opera, where it is sung "Ihrem Ende eilen sie zu, die so stark in Bestehen sich wähnen" (They rush to their doom, they who think themselves so powerful). Maybe a bit out of context. But I learned to remember this line even when there was not a shadow of what was going to happen.
The only problem is that my lover did not think of himself as powerful, he was just a well meaning, kind soul who never deserved to rush to his doom like that.

One thing I try to tell myself on a regular basis: "It was not your fault, nor was it the fault of my lover, that this came to pass." I also tell myself: "You are a valuable person, and maybe someone will appreciate that in the future and we will get along well. And maybe this will not happen. But I am still valuable and I am going to live my life in dignity, if not for my then at least for my lover's sake."

Hugs and welcome back, Pim

[KayC]

16 hours ago, ccoflove said:

Like Groundhogs day each day feels the same sadnesd.

Strange you should say that, on my other forum I was reading this morning and someone said the same thing!

On 4/1/2019 at 8:12 PM, karo92 said:

Depression settled in my life as bitch companion

I've never heard that term before but how apropos!  I've always said I've learned to coexist with my grief, pretty much same thing.

[ccoflove]

13 hours ago, karo92 said:

We learn to move with time as a leaf, not willingly but just flowing as time moves by, is it good? I don't think so, is it necessary? I think it might be the only way to survive such a pain, after all, we have learn we own nothing, not time, not decisions, not our future

Thats is a beautiful image you paint with words. Just a leaf blowing in the wind going with the flow of time. We own nothing, truely. 

[Billie Rae]

Karo92 welcome back,I am only two and a half months in and desperately need to hear from those farther in,it makes me feel less alone.Your words about not owning time are so true and touched me deeply.I always felt I was in control of how my life would go But after the last five months,three months of his cancer,the one thing I now know is take each day as it comes and it's okay to have plans,just don't depend on them.As the French say,que sera sera.Whatever will be will be.I hope one day to be partially me again.
My love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[karo92]

7 hours ago, Pim said:

Wow! You are so right.

Thanks for rejoining the forum. I am not that long on the forum myself. Experiences, good or bad, from others help me make my way on this grief journey.

You remark reminded me of a German opera, where it is sung "Ihrem Ende eilen sie zu, die so stark in Bestehen sich wähnen" (They rush to their doom, they who think themselves so powerful). Maybe a bit out of context. But I learned to remember this line even when there was not a shadow of what was going to happen.
The only problem is that my lover did not think of himself as powerful, he was just a well meaning, kind soul who never deserved to rush to his doom like that.

One thing I try to tell myself on a regular basis: "It was not your fault, nor was it the fault of my lover, that this came to pass." I also tell myself: "You are a valuable person, and maybe someone will appreciate that in the future and we will get along well. And maybe this will not happen. But I am still valuable and I am going to live my life in dignity, if not for my then at least for my lover's sake."

Hugs and welcome back, Pim

Those words reminds me one thing one of the things (of the many things) one of my brother in law once told me: our live is not ours, it belongs to those who loves us! it took me back on my feet when I was on the edge of suicidal thoughts. Indeed we got recover what is left of our life and live it with dignity and among all, self care.

I love the way you think how maybe one day, someone will see beneath the scars and we can be loved again (maybe) and if not, that's ok,

Pim I am deeply sorry for your loss, we shouldn't be living such a pain, and they came up to bright up our life.

[karo92]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Strange you should say that, on my other forum I was reading this morning and someone said the same thing!

I've never heard that term before but how apropos!  I've always said I've learned to coexist with my grief, pretty much same thing.

Yes, it is amazing how humans can get used to live and coexist -as you accurately say- with sadness and all the feelings related with grieve 

[karo92]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Karo92 welcome back,I am only two and a half months in and desperately need to hear from those farther in,it makes me feel less alone.Your words about not owning time are so true and touched me deeply.I always felt I was in control of how my life would go But after the last five months,three months of his cancer,the one thing I now know is take each day as it comes and it's okay to have plans,just don't depend on them.As the French say,que sera sera.Whatever will be will be.I hope one day to be partially me again.
My love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Hi Billie, as I said before, first months are always so numb, you can barely separate the pain of your chest in each breath and so many questions and anger runs through our minds, is the time when you wonder how is human possible to survive such a pain, such a struggle, I never thought I was going to make this far and here I am, is not easy, is not pleasant, crying and raging is on the daily routine, but you learn to cope with it, it doesn't vanish, it only changes the way you handle this, and most important, every experience is unique, we all carry this is different ways, non of those is wrong neither way right. Is just as it is.

My experience was sudden, very different from fighting again a disease, yet I barely understand the pain and desperation you are feeling, after all, a loss is a loss.

Funny thing is that I found out that taking care of someone else saved my life, in my case was my bunny, that little fluff ball filled my days with the necessary strength to wake up every day. Support yourself on those things that depends on you, and it might saved your lived as it saved mine  

[Billie Rae]

@karo92 thank you.just thank you
Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[karo92]

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

@karo92 thank you.just thank you
Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Please don't thank me, little I can do to relieve your pain, all I can offer is my words and little about my experience, sometimes -most of the time- words can't describe how do we feel, or what exactly is the cocktail of emotions we are experiencing.

Back then some words helped me throughout dark times:

"I am going to love him more and more every day, so one day, love will be bigger than the pain", "the bigger the love, the strongest the grieve", this two helped me a lot, I hope it helps you as well

Sending hugs to you Billie

[KayC]

On 4/2/2019 at 6:03 PM, karo92 said:

we have learn we own nothing, not time, not decisions, not our future

So very true, that was a hard hitting thing to learn, one that hit me hard when I lost my George.  I'd always felt pretty much in control of my life up until then.  I felt if things weren't going as I wanted, I could make changes...but this was something I could not change or control.

[karo92]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

So very true, that was a hard hitting thing to learn, one that hit me hard when I lost my George.  I'd always felt pretty much in control of my life up until then.  I felt if things weren't going as I wanted, I could make changes...but this was something I could not change or control.

Yeah, society always sells this idea that we can be in control of everything and feeling of losing control of things cause so much desperation and frustration. We couldn't make anything to save them and we can not control our grieve, we grieve because we love, we can't just escape from it neither way we can skip part of the process.

[KayC]

Rather than teach us to control everything, they should teach us to let it flow...

[Vu Nguyen]

I have same feeling. My girlfriend passed away 1 year and 4 month. I still miss her every day. This pain is forever.

[karo92]

11 hours ago, Vu Nguyen said:

I have same feeling. My girlfriend passed away 1 year and 4 month. I still miss her every day. This pain is forever.

I always felt so curious about how people made my pain so little only because he was "my boyfriend", yes he was my boyfriend but he was the man of my life, I knew very well we were going to marry (we talked about it many times) we shared time as a marry couple, we shared responsibilities as well, but people always tries to lesser our pain only because we haven't sign it up on a dumb paper.

I am deeply sorry about your girlfriend, I am not a believer, but those who believe say they are watching over us

[SSC]

On 4/3/2019 at 10:31 PM, karo92 said:

Back then some words helped me throughout dark times:

"I am going to love him more and more every day, so one day, love will be bigger than the pain", "the bigger the love, the strongest the grieve", this two helped me a lot, I hope it helps you as well

I love these quotes.  Thank you for sharing them.

[karo92]

On 4/9/2019 at 3:40 AM, SSC said:

I love these quotes.  Thank you for sharing them.

With time we are able to find thoughts, or even quotes on the internet, that helps us through the grieve. I have to admitted, some people in this forum helped me out so much, I made exceptional friends from here, people I can reach at any time of the day, they know me and my feelings, and reading their experiences and personal thoughts was part of the re-building process we made through grieve.