Final Goodbyes

[GrievingSoul]

Yesterday, I laid my love to rest. Though the wake was hard, seeing my love for the very last time above ground was even harder. I was so crushed that I couldn’t even write about it then. There were so many other things that laid in that casket that no one else aside from me was able to see-our  plans for the future, my partnership, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my confidant, my financial support, my comedian, my coach, my security, my motivation in life. As we prepared to lay him to rest, his mother started to sob uncontrollably, and it just further intensified the grief I was already feeling. After I left the burial site, I just felt empty. It was over. The end. He was gone for good. No more walks in the park. No more rides into town late at night. No more grilling on a sunny day. No more trips to our favorite malls. No more taking my son out for a job well done in school. No more movie night. No more slushees and doughnuts from the gas station. I was filled with sadness all over again. And what’s worse is he had just gotten a raise at his job, and he had given me the opportunity to stop working mine just so I could focus solely on my e-commerce business that I had just started up. He was beginning to make smarter decisions with his money, so more money was coming in quicker than it was going out. We were looking into buying a house, and he was a few car payments away from owning his vehicle. Things were looking up this year, and we vowed that this year will be our year. Then it happened; he had fell ill, and his sickness became progressively worse over the course of the few weeks before his untimely death. He was first diagnosed with acid reflux. Simple, and completely harmless if properly managed. He was given some Nexium, and discharged from the hospital. But the pills weren’t helping in the least, and at night, he was still in terrible pain, so he went back to the hospital (after I insisted he return), where he was then diagnosed with stomach ulcers. I thought “Hey, no big deal. They’re easily treatable, and non life threatening.” He was instructed to continue to take the medication they had given him for acid reflux since the medication also treated gastrointestinal issues of all sorts. He took them, but to no avail. He was in so much indescribable pain that he would cry out in the middle of the night as he waddled helplessly on the floor. I remember him telling me through grunts of utter pain “something else is wrong. It can’t be just this.” I remember the call he received the following few days that will change my life forever. During his last doctor’s visit, they had performed some tests on him to check his overall body and organs. He had a follow-up appointment two weeks from that date. While we were in the car, he received a phone call from them, where they had pushed up his appintment, and asked when was the earliest he was able to come in. From that moment on, I became worried. I knew that the only time doctors did something like that was when it was serious. He went in a few days later, where they then broke the news to him-he had progressed cancer. When I got that call from him, I could hear the shakiness in his voice when he told me “it’s over. You may as well move on. They say I have cancer, and I only have 6 to 12 months to live. You may as well forget about me, and live your life.” I was frozen from utter shock. I held the phone robotically as I sobbed hysterically. I cried on the phone for minutes, and although HE was the one who had a timer on HIS back, he spent that time trying to comfort ME, but it was useless. I was inconsolable. “I feel like I’m losing my best friend,” I said through tears. And sadly it wasn’t a feeling. A little over a month later, he was gone. I’m still in shock with how quickly it all happened, and everyday I wished it was all just a dream, but unfortunately it’s not. His service was a painful reminder that this was really happening, and he was really no longer on this Earth. What I wouldn’t do to just have one more hour or one more day with him. I’m just so heartbroken. 

[Fmf]

@GrievingSoul I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel every emotion coming  through your words.  My situation is very similar to yours ( my husband died 3 weeks after cancer diagnoses) and I totally understand the feelings as you see your loved one for the last time.  It is an unreal situation, you keep thinking to yourself this really couldn't have happened it just must be a bad dream that I'm sure to wake up from. Then you realize that's not the case and you think about all your plans for the future.

8 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

Things were looking up this year, and we vowed that this year will be our year

We also thought this was our year special birthdays for myself and my daughters and what would have been our 20th anniversary.  I can only say I try and think of one good memory each day that memory that feeling is what gets me through the day.  This journey that you have found yourself on is not one we would wish on anyone, we didn't ask to take part in it but we are unfortunately on it.  I wish I had some magical words of wisdom to share, but the only thing I can say is just know you are not alone.  We have all come to this site to share our thoughts and feelings with people who get it.  So please continue to share and we will take this journey together supporting each other as we go along.

[Billie Rae]

GreivingSoul,I relate to your story,Charlie had a stent put in December of 2017 and also a blood clot in his heart so they put him on warfarin in February 2018 he started having acid,gas and food didn't taste good anymore we went to the er 5 or 6 times and they just gave him a gi cocktail and sent him home.Finally after he dropped 40 lbs they set him up with a gastroenterologist who wanted to do endoscopy but the cardiologist wouldn't stop the blood thinner so they gave him prescription antacids so 30 lbs later they gave him an ultrasound and tadaa it was a 40cm tumor spread to his lungs and stomach.Come to find out the er had asked for an ultrasound way back in April but the order got lost.He did one chemo against my wishes his blood numbers were to low but he said he had to try it once and that caused issue after issue and 3 months and two days later he was gone.It was also our year,he was going to retire and work part time,we were going to sell our house and buy an rv and I would join traveling nurses.I had just bought him a new truck and life was good.I was actually going to leave him to teach him he needed to be more involved in our lives because he made me responsible for everything but I wouldn't have left him for good,just to wake him up.then it was all gone.My hopes and dreams and financial life,gone.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

@GrievingSoul  That is really tough to read, it's how I felt, I am so so sorry, my heart goes out to you.  I wish I could be there to hold you.  I rarely cry, but I'm crying now...

We want to be here for you as you go through this.

[Pim]

Dear GrievingSoul,

how sorry I am for your terrible loss. I understand a lot of what you wrote down. In my case it lasted six months before my love passed away, but the feelings, thoughts are very similar.
Please keep coming back here. Once again, I'm so sorry, this is not going to be easy, because you loved each other so much. Please accept all the help you can get, when you have the energy.

Hugs, Pim

[JES]

@GrievingSoul  There just are no words that can comfort us at this time,  we are left unwhole, and shattered.  My love didnt have cancer but so many other issues, donor kidney, ( mine) diabetes, PAD, 2 back surgeries, infected toe, amputation of 2 toes, part of foot, leg bypass, groin surgery twice,  legs, foot totally bandaged,  c-diff,  heart attack, dehydrations,  memory loss for days, hospital OD'd him on morphine,  on and on.  Yet we were still optimistic.... but he was losing so much weight and getting weak. In end he had bad stomach pain, couldnt eat, and died from gangrenous gallbladder. Too weak for surgery. So, here we all are,  on this sad journey together,  baring our souls to those that understand, and trying to support each other.  As time goes on,  it seems alittle easier,  rays of sunshine start to come thru, and theres alittle hope for the future. Grief timeline is different for all, but we seem to share alot in common. Thinking of you and sending love.

[Moment2moment]

Grieving Soul-

My heart goes out to you in this mind boggling and most painful time. We love you and we are here for you always. We are all different yet we are all the same in our pain and grief. I read here for months before I dared to post because I could not even begin to express what I was going through. However you spend time with us, always know you are not alone.

Love,

Lily Bell

[Brazil Man]

On 4/1/2019 at 1:44 AM, GrievingSoul said:

After I left the burial site, I just felt empty. It was over. The end. He was gone for good. No more walks in the park. No more rides into town late at night.

 I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife to lung cancer and it is devastating. I know she is gone for good and there will be no more walks in the park.
My heart goes out to you.

Moises

[tlc]

No, no more precious moments together ever again. What more can i say?

[foreverhis]

On 3/31/2019 at 9:44 PM, GrievingSoul said:

While we were in the car, he received a phone call from them, where they had pushed up his appintment, and asked when was the earliest he was able to come in. From that moment on, I became worried. I knew that the only time doctors did something like that was when it was serious.

I know that phone call all too well.  About 3 days after what they thought would be my husband's simple surgery, we got the call:  The doctor wants to see you today.  I said, "But he's in his other office 35 miles away.  Can't it wait until Monday?"  When his nurse said that he really wanted us to come in today, my heart sank.  Sure enough, the pathology came back much worse than expected.  His urologist had already referred us to a top teaching hospital and one of the best urology-oncology specialists in the country.  I will never forget sitting in that office hearing those horrible words.  I believe his cancer should have been caught earlier.  It might not have made a difference, but now we'll never know.

I have to confess that I have never attended an open casket funeral.  And to be honest, I'm glad.  I don't know if I could have handled seeing my husband like that.  It was shattering enough to be there when he took his last breath, seeing his body devastated and a shadow of his beautiful self, and knowing that his soul, in whatever form that turns out to be, had left us.  I cannot imagine then seeing him after being "fixed up" (sorry, I don't really know how else to put it) to try to look normal.  I think being there took tremendous courage on your part.

On 3/31/2019 at 9:44 PM, GrievingSoul said:

There were so many other things that laid in that casket that no one else aside from me was able to see-our  plans for the future, my partnership, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my confidant, my financial support, my comedian, my coach, my security, my motivation in life.

There are no words adequate to express how much my heart hurts for you.  It's so true that no one else truly knows what we and our loves have lost.  When my husband died, in that moment all that was left of our hopes, our future, and our life together died with him.  I felt not just shattered, but like I was no longer complete.  There is simply no way anyone can understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

On 3/31/2019 at 9:44 PM, GrievingSoul said:

cried on the phone for minutes, and although HE was the one who had a timer on HIS back, he spent that time trying to comfort ME

That's so typical.  My husband apologized to me so many times for "getting so sick" that I had to give him a mantra and insist he say it:  "None of this is my fault."  I said to him many times in his last weeks that none of it had ever been his fault.  I needed him to know that he had not let me down.  I felt as if I had let him down because I had not been fast, strong, or good enough to save him.

It seems to me that with true love, we put each other first.  I would have traded places with my husband in a heartbeat.  I would have done anything to help him get better.  And I know he would have done the same if the situation had been reversed.  The price of complete and binding love is knowing that losing it as we have will be that much more devastating and painful.

There's a quote from Good Will Hunting I kept thinking about and still do.  The end of it is "You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself."

That pretty much sums it up for me.

I hope being here with us helps you find a bit of comfort and peace.  Everyone here, this community, has helped me.

[Fmf]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That's so typical.  My husband apologized to me so many times for "getting so sick"

@foreverhis I could have also written this statement. My husband apologized to me for marrying “damaged goods” over the years he had faced some medical issues including 9 years ago having 17 seizures basically having no memory for a small part of his life and not being allowed to drive for almost a year. Ultimately he died of pancreatic cancer that was only diagnosed 3 weeks before his death. I would have gladly lived every day with his “damaged goods”. I knew with the diagnoses the long term outlook wasn’t good but I thought we would have had a few months possibly and we would have lived his life to the fullest if we could have, but none of it was meant to be just days after his port for chemo was put in he died.  I do have to say that in all I was lucky to have had him for the past 17 1/2 years. He worked in the World Trade Center and s last minute change in schedule (someone needed his early shift) saved his life on  September 11th. I try to look at the fact that most of our married life was basically on borrowed time ( we would have been married 20 years in September) and that I have daughter #2 who would have never been born. 

[Billie Rae]

Charlie also apologized over and over for"catching"cancer or he would say it was"payback"for not living right.I would have to tell him it was not his fault it just was.I wonder why they feel like it was their fault?I used to have to tell him that it wasn't like he did it to himself.
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Pim]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That's so typical.  My husband apologized to me so many times for "getting so sick" that I had to give him a mantra and insist he say it:  "None of this is my fault."  I said to him many times in his last weeks that none of it had ever been his fault.  I needed him to know that he had not let me down.  I felt as if I had let him down because I had not been fast, strong, or good enough to save him.

It seems to me that with true love, we put each other first.  I would have traded places with my husband in a heartbeat.  I would have done anything to help him get better.  And I know he would have done the same if the situation had been reversed.  The price of complete and binding love is knowing that losing it as we have will be that much more devastating and painful.

There's a quote from Good Will Hunting I kept thinking about and still do.  The end of it is "You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself."

This is applicable to me and Rob as well. Every week Rob lost another bodily function and he apologised to me and other people for not being able to carry out a certain task. Can you imagine that? He suffered from a cruel motor neuron disease. I told him many times that it was not his fault. These terrible diseases just.. are there. But I wish they weren't.

Absolutely agree with the statement about true love. I know the quote from Good Will Hunting, and it's so true.

I ask myself frequently: was I supposed to learn some lesson by experiencing this? But at what cost? The life of my love and my happiness!? I would rather have skipped that lesson then and stayed dumb!

Hugs to you all, Pim

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I wonder why they feel like it was their fault?

I'm not sure my husband thought it was his fault exactly.  I think he felt a measure of guilt for what we were going through, even though he knew rationally that nothing he did or didn't do caused his cancer. 

When things got worse, I think he felt he had somehow failed me because of it.  Our marriage was one of equals, but he was what I would call "a real man" who protected and cared for his family.  He wasn't macho on the outside (though not wimpy either), but he had a quiet strength.  He was modern (if you will) in his thinking and behavior toward women in particular, but old-fashioned in how he protected and helped his family and anyone who needed him.  It could be opening a door for someone, woman or man and young or old, or helping neighbors with various little tasks or making sure our adult daughter living 1,000 miles away had everything she needed to be safe.  Actually, it was kind of cute that when we'd order a new safety item, he'd invariably say, "I think we should send one to Seattle too."  So our daughter might receive a pretty new scarf and sweater and a fire extinguisher for her birthday.  She teased him about it, but she also felt so loved because of it.  She knew her daddy would always be there for her.  When he started to realize he wouldn't be, it destroyed him emotionally.  And he spoiled his adored granddaughter like crazy.  He wasn't a man who asked for many material possessions, so when he wanted to buy her something "just because" or when he'd wander into the toy store next door to the grocery store and come out with something fun, I'd be happy to add the budget item.  Being the man of the family was very important to him.

I guess my long, rambling point is that his guilt stemmed first from the fear that he might leave us and then later knowing he was leaving us and would no longer be there to love and protect the people he cherished.  It ripped me up inside that his concern was entirely for us.  But that's the kind of man he was.

[KayC]

On 4/2/2019 at 6:10 PM, Billie Rae said:

I wonder why they feel like it was their fault?

Probably the same reason we feel guilt when they die...it doesn't make rational sense, but we all wish we could have changed the outcome, even them.