19 weeks without my Love

[beaniele]

Roger died on a Friday 19 weeks ago. I have never cried so much in my life. We were together for 38 years. He was 20 years older but we felt, love, thought the same thoughts. My life ended that night. I will never be the same without him. He was my life. He was my everything.

 

Roger, my darling, I love you more than anything. You will always be in my heart. My life also ended that night. I just survive as best I can.

 

 

 

 

Linda

 

 

[JES]

@beaniele  Isnt' it so hard? We can't remember minute to minute stuff but we always remember the days, weeks or months they've been gone.  I' m glad you keep coming back and posting to let us know how you are doing.  We all seem to worry and care about each other... Thinking of you, sending hug

[KayC]

Sending you hugs...I wish we could make this better for you. 

 

[Billie Rae]

Oh Linda,please feel our hearts around you.

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[beaniele]

I am having such a bad time. I took care of him for 38 years. I am sorry I can not go on without him. I loved him more than my life. I am feeling sorry for myself. But I loved him so much.



Linda

[KayC]

Linda, try to stay in today, just do today, okay?  If you're feeling suicidal, please call this number 1-800-273-8255.

[beaniele]

Linda, try to stay in today, just do today, okay?  If you're feeling suicidal, please call this number 1-800-273-8255.

I am not suicidal, as I could not do that to my sister and Dad. Thank you for your concern.

Linda

[beaniele]

I am better today. I just have some bad moments. I did not mean to sound like I was suicidal. It is the waves of grief.

Linda

[Billie Rae]

I am better today. I just have some bad moments. I did not mean to sound like I was suicidal. It is the waves of grief.

Linda

We are all very concerned my dear.I hope you can feel our love.pamper yourself,take a long warm bath,nap a bit,and treat yourself to something yummy(for me it's cake[emoji16])
Love
Billie

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[JES]

@beaniele  Those up and down waves are so hard.....glad today is alittle better for you or at least more bearable.....sending you love. Jeanne

[JES]

Linda,  If you ever feel you want to share more about Roger, we would love to hear about him. Weekends are worse for me, plus cold and windy today, and I just plain miss Kevin not being here..so I totally get how you feel. Jeanne

[beaniele]

Linda,  If you ever feel you want to share more about Roger, we would love to hear about him. Weekends are worse for me, plus cold and windy today, and I just plain miss Kevin not being here..so I totally get how you feel. Jeanne

Roger was 84, I am 64. We meet and fell in love in 1980. We married in 1993.

Roger loved fishing, camping, and growing veggies in our back yard. He was smart and if it needed fixing he would do it. Of coarse now, I have had to hire a painter for the front of the house. Also bought a new front door.

He was a sweet wonderful husband. He could also be very stubborn.

Roger had two children. His son died in 2000 at age 40 from sudden death. His daughter lives near by with her husband and daughter.

He had a history of afib. He had bypass surgery in 2011 for 5 blocked arteries. I am not sure how he survived that.

He was my love and life, just like everyone here who have lost their love.

Wishing everyone some kind of peace.

Linda

[JES]

Linda. Awww...what a handsome guy and beautiful smile. He sure looked young for his age.  Did you do all the outdoors activities with him too?  Nice that he was such a handyman also.  I am needing some repairs now too, leaking sink pipe in basement,  stair runner removal...so much I can't do myself. How sad for us.  You had many more years with Roger than I had with Kevin (25) so I can only imagine its makes it even worse.  I hope his daughter is nice to you and visits. My guy had afib also, he could feel it when he was in it...on Eliquis for it. He also had open heart surgery,  5 bypasses at age 40,  but made it 21yrs. after.  I, actually was 3 yrs. older than him, but he had bad family genetics.  He was more the loud, gabby type, and sometimes impatient but I loved him through it all and miss every minute. Thankyou for sharing,  it sounds like you had a wonderful guy. Sending my love. Jeanne

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, beaniele said:

It is the waves of grief.

Yes I understood your words. 

[Billie Rae]

Oh Linda,what a charming looking man.He has smiles in his eyes.what joy the two of you must have lived.I hope you and his daughter are close my love.
Love you
Billie

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[JES]

This is a picture of Kevin,  my husband.

 

[JES]

Kevin and I night of his 40th class reunion

[JES]

Oh my, Kevins picture huge. I finally was able to do on my computer but took me hours.  You can definitely see I don't know what I' m doing.  Uggg...not tec savvy for sure.  Love to all. Jeanne

[KayC]

Linda, thank you for sharing his picture, he has kind eyes and smile.  And Jeanne, too, it's good to see your picture together!

I'm relieved Linda, that you're not feeling suicidal, I'm sorry I misread that.  I know how hard this journey is and how very hard to survive on our own.  (((hugs)))

[Billie Rae]

Jeanne,how handsome!What a beautiful couple you are.You both look so happy,and it's nice to see you to put a face to you.@Kayc I also read it that way,I guess in our grief we may be frightened that something else will happen.
Love you all
Billie

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[foreverhis]

On 3/31/2019 at 7:01 AM, beaniele said:

I am better today. I just have some bad moments. I did not mean to sound like I was suicidal. It is the waves of grief.

Linda
 

Waves of grief defines it perfectly.  We worry about each other here, so I have to admit what you wrote concerned me too.  Thankfully Kay had already stepped up to help. 

I can relate to your feeling of "I cannot go on" because I've had it myself.  I've asked my love "What am I supposed to do now?  How can I do this alone?   I don't want to be without you, love.  You need to come get me as soon as I've done what has to be done."  And I'd be flat lying if I said the idea of ending it all never crossed my mind.  I won't because our daughter deserves to have her mom with her and I have to make sure our granddaughter finishes growing up knowing that her adored and adoring grandpa would never have left us intentionally.  I have to be there because he can't.  But it's supremely unfair and unjust.  I cry for him, not just myself, our girls, and our family.

Thank you for making sure we know you're still with us.  It's good in a way that we still have people who are relying on us to be here.

Thank you for the pictures as well.  Roger has that "cheeky" smile I've always loved in men.  My husband had it too.  I bet Roger was a real charmer, also like mine.  My sweetie could be stubborn, but was also kind and caring.  He would help anyone who needed it and loved creating and repairing, especially woodworking.  I suspect that sounds familiar to you.

We were lucky, weren't we?  The thing I've discovered is that the saying "the deeper the love, the deeper the pain" is true.  My sister-in-law has said more than once that she envied the relationship her brother and I had because, while she loves her husband, they've never had the kind of connection.  You and Roger had something precious, so of course it's hard to imagine a future without him.

 

12 hours ago, JES said:

Oh my, Kevins picture huge. I finally was able to do on my computer but took me hours.  You can definitely see I don't know what I' m doing.  Uggg...not tec savvy for sure.  Love to all. Jeanne

Thank you for taking the time to post it.  (I have had issues with sizing photos down as well, so you are not alone.)

What a happy and handsome couple you are.  You mentioned that it might be harder for those of us who had more years.  Here's my take on it.  I think it's not the years as much as it is the cell-deep love when you find your soulmate.  Whether it's 4 years or 40, the pain of losing half of our whole being is bound to be heartbreaking and shattering.

[JES]

@foreverhis  Yes , we were very happy, and that pic was only little over 3 yrs. ago. He already had diabetes, other health issues, taking so many meds. I don't think he felt the greatest even then.      I have to agree, don't think it matters if we have a yr. or many years yrs. with them (  Sorry to all, I wrote that not thinking)  When we love so deeply time shouldnt matter, we still have the same pain, loss of future together, part of our heart is gone,  exactly as foreverhis wrote.  Thankyou for catching that. Love to all

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, JES said:

Sorry to all, I wrote that not thinking

No need to apologize.  I think it's only natural to wonder if one thing or another makes this painful journey worse.  Sometimes people debate whether it's worse to have a sudden loss or one from a lingering illness.  I think comparisons are impossible because every person here knows those depths of despair, regardless of how or when it happened.

[KayC]

And you should have seen the trouble I had posting a picture of my dog here in another thread!  I had to try over and over again, it kept saying it was too big even though it wasn't, I finally had to close the post, reopen it and THEN it'd accept it!  I'm afraid I'm not as tech savvy as some!

[JES]

@beaniele  How are you doing? Thinking of you and hoping you are having alittle better days.....it is my wish for all of us.  Sending love. Jeanne

[beaniele]

[mention=412442]beaniele[/mention]  How are you doing? Thinking of you and hoping you are having alittle better days.....it is my wish for all of us.  Sending love. Jeanne

Thank you for asking about me. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to change what happen and for me to try and have some sort of life I have to accept my darling husband's death. I wish with all my being that I did not find my life like this now, but....

I am having to remodel the house so I can sell it in the future. I live in Fremont, Ca and had wanted us to find somewhere new. Now it will be just me. Maybe a retirement home or townhouse but near my sister who lives near Santa Cruz.

I am still seeing two therapist, grief and trauma, and this has helped. My Calm meditation has been a big help also.

My husband's daughter says they will do anything I need. Putting everything on me. So hear nothing. No checking on me or bringing food by or asking if I need groceries. So when the will is finalized I will not continue any sort of relationship.

My sister stays with me when she can and helps me. I have had trouble leaving the house for long periods and we went to her house, in Aptos, this week for a few hours so she could do some errands. I did pretty well but did get a little anxious and was ready to get home. I think because I feel Roger is here. My therapist thought it was a big step and was pleased for me.

I still cry but not as much or as hard. I still think about my love 24/7. Sorry for rambling, but I feel like maybe things are a little better and maybe some hope for something, just not sure what.

Linda

[KayC]

I was lucky when George died that my daughter was up for a visit, she stayed a few months, being gone longer and longer as time progressed until she wasn't around anymore, but it allowed me to transition to being alone rather than it just being cut and dried all at once.  I'm sorry your stepdaughter isn't stepping up to the plate, she may have no clue what this is like for you or know what to do.  That and just be wrapped up in her own life.  I've learned I have to voice my needs if I want help but that's still hard for me, even after all these years, I'm used to being independent, but the older I get, I realize I can't do it all...and now my kids don't live near here.  I hope you find just the right place for you to live, one that allows you the perfect mix of independence and help.  It'd be nice to live near your relatives.

[Billie Rae]

Linda,I also have a hard time leaving the house for long periods,it takes me forever to work up to going out I have to give myself two hours or more to go anywhere but work and I no longer feel safe anywhere.
I will be moving to a new apartment next month and it's frightening but once the manager heard my story he took me under his wing and I will get a chance to meet new people and won't be able to stay so insulated so perhaps it's a good thing.
Love to you
Billie

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[beaniele]

Linda,I also have a hard time leaving the house for long periods,it takes me forever to work up to going out I have to give myself two hours or more to go anywhere but work and I no longer feel safe anywhere.
I will be moving to a new apartment next month and it's frightening but once the manager heard my story he took me under his wing and I will get a chance to meet new people and won't be able to stay so insulated so perhaps it's a good thing.
Love to you
Billie

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I hope the new surroundings will help you. It is such a long journey, baby steps.

Of coarse after writing my story I fell off a step stool, hanging some curtains, and landed on my right hip. So the tears returned, not from the pain, but because Roger is not here to help me...

Linda

[Billie Rae]

I hope the new surroundings will help you. It is such a long journey, baby steps.

Of coarse after writing my story I fell off a step stool, hanging some curtains, and landed on my right hip. So the tears returned, not from the pain, but because Roger is not here to help me...

Linda

Ohh,I understand that,I've had to buy all new furniture from Amazon and it all needs assembly,something Charlie and I would do together,laughing and arguing over and now I have to hire people to do it.It feels like not only did I lose him but a lot of the experiences of life as two.
I hate this.

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[JES]

@beaniele  So nice to hear from you.  As I've also found this grief journey has a mind of it own,  time seems to help our pain alittle, we learn to adjust better, but yes, we still love and miss them dearly.  I think the future looks hard for all of us.  All that you are feeling seems to be what is normal for our loss, anxiety, bad days, some better days, up and down.  I hope you can get your house remodeled and another house, as you are able.....   Im sorry your husbands daughter has left it all up to you. This seems to happen alot, their lives move on while we're stuck.  I havent heard a word from Kevins children since right after he passed.  I find myself ok with that, in fact I prefer it,  less drama and stress.  Hope your hip gets better quick,  I did same couple yrs. ago and broke wrist .  Thinking of you Linda, sending love.

[KayC]

These falls are hard on us...I fell nearly two years ago at the vet and did permanent damage to my knees, Medicare won't cover it, my doctor refused to see me after I had an appt and made 100 mile round trip to see her because she was afraid there'd be a lawsuit.  I hope your damage isn't so severe and you can heal soon!  And yes I cried tears that my George wasn't here to be here for me, no matter how many years later, we still miss them.

[JES]

@KayC  Since my fall Im so much more careful....I don't feel as invincible anymore. Thankfully Kevin was here,  but upstairs sleeping, he finally heard me calling him..but now?  Who would even know, or how long would it take for someone to find me ?  Scary..... we watched out for each other, just another part of this loss.   I picture myself with lifeline hanging around my neck down the road.  

[KayC]

I can relate, I've had people tell me to get a medic alert but honestly I'm not ready to admit I'm that old yet!  I've always been independent!  I don't like this growing old alone thing.