Surrounded by people who just doesn’t “get it”

[GrievingSoul]

Tomorrow will mark a week that I lost my boyfriend of 7 years to pancreatic cancer. I’m in indescribable grief, and I feel like everyone around me does not understand the severity of my mourning. It’s like they try to be understanding, but it just comes off as insincere. I just feel like no one really cares about how devastating losing my life partner actually is. Every time someone comes to “support” me, it’s like they talk about everything except the fact that I just lost my best friend and confidant. I believe in their minds they think taking my mind off of his death will help, but in actuality it has the opposite affect. I find myself having to force cordiality, and pretend like they are helping, and that makes my suffering even worse. No one “gets it.” No one helps me “cope.” It’s like they don’t understand that I don’t need to hear about their promotion, or the cute little thing their baby said or did, or the some random casual conversation. Sometimes I just need to talk about HIM and my feelings about his passing. Or sometimes I want to do something that we used to do as a couple as a tribute to him. I just need to do SOMETHING that helps me deal with him being gone, and NOT finding ways to avoid the pain of his absence. But no one seems to really grasp the concept of how to properly console a grieving person. I guess it’s because once they are done “comforting” me, they go back to their normal lives, and one not affected by the death of a loved one. I find myself slowly withdrawing from everyone. It hasn’t even been a solid week, and the phone calls have stopped, the check-ups are long gone, and even the time they do spend with me usually consists of them finding a way to talk about something in their normal lives, completely oblivious of mine being turned upside down. I’m just feeling so low right now, and I was hoping someone in a similar situation could help me cope. Please offer any advice you have for me as I am lost right now 

[Billie Rae]

Oh my dear,I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.My husband passed in January of pancreatic cancer.What a horrible thing to watch.We all have delt with the people who have moved away from our pain and I can't give advice as each on of us is different,but for a lot of us we isolated and found it easier to deal with new people instead of the ones who knew us before.No they don't get it,how could they this is the worst thing that could happen to us to lose not only our love but all the hopes and dreams and future we had with that person.If you're comfortable telling people what you need tell them.If not that's okay too This is your grief and yours alone.Stay here with us we understand and no judgement.Tell us stories of your love or rant or just read,We are here for you.
Hugs and love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@GrievingSoul  I am so sorry for your loss of your love.  People just don’t know what to say, or say the wrong things, do not understand unless they’ve went through it themselves.  I am so glad you found your way here, we are all at different times in this tough journey and we do understand. You are so early in your grief, of course you want to talk about him, you will have so many different emotions that you may feel and not know where they are coming from, but know we pretty much all go through them.  Scream, yell, cry, vent, hug his clothes,  it’s all ok.  If you feel able, we would love to have you talk about him, it’s what we all do. There are many kind people here that will share their insight, and tips that may help you also.  I hope you will get better support at your home...don’t be afraid to tell others what you need...sometimes they just don’t know( sadly) what to do or say so they avoid us.  I hope you will keep reaching out here, know that you are not alone,  we all get it....sending hugs

[LostGirl39]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand completely what you’re going through. I’m only 2 months into my loss of my boyfriend & the grief seems to be getting worse. I too feel like no one seems to understand or care about my grief. The phone calls & texts stopped for me about a week after his funeral. One of his friends will reach out periodically. I think that people truly don’t know how to respond to grief unless they’ve been through it. I try to overlook some of the careless or insensitive remarks. I find that most people mean well, they just truly don’t get it. For instance, I hate being asked if I’m okay. No I’m not & I never will be. I lost my soulmate & my whole world has been turned upside down. 

I wish that I had some advice to give you right now. All I can say is to allow yourself to mourn & grieve in your own way. I’m still struggling to just get through each day without him. Finding this group has given me a little comfort. It’s nice to able to talk to people that get what you’re going through. And we all do. Use this board to vent or maybe even share memories of your love. I’ve started keeping a grief journal. It helps me to get everything out. Maybe that’s something that you may want to do. It’s cheaper than therapy & more personal. I’m here if you need to talk to someone. Sending you love and support.

[GrievingSoul]

Thank you all for the replies. I’m so relieved someone actually responded to this post. This community is already awesome! I’m new and still don’t know how to respond to comments individually, but what you all are saying is so true. I’ve found that talking to someone new have been more helpful than confiding in those I have had a previous relationship with. I guess because I was usually the one others came for inspiration and encouragement. Now that I’m the one in need of consolation, I don’t believe they know how to approach the same person who picked them up when they were down. It just feels so horrible. Watching the love of my life deteriorate day after day torments me. He went from being such a conversational, vibrant human being to a complete loner who barely said 5 sentences within a day. I feel like cancer killed the both of us. I hoped for a miracle everyday until the end. I was (and still am in some ways) angry at God for taking him away from me. 7 years is such a short time to be together, although I did know him for a couple of years before our romantic relationship blossomed. I just feel so cheated and hurt. My son, who he was like a father to, took it so hard, and it made it even worse. I managed to make my love’s passing a “happy thing” by telling my son he’s now an angel, and now I find myself having to uphold that “happy” image by not crying around him, which is so hard. I just want it all to be a horrible dream. His funeral is this Saturday, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. Sometimes I’m so miserable I feel actual physical pain, which isn’t healthy. I’m trying so hard to be optimistic, but thinking about the years on this Earth without him is borderline unbearable. I just feel like I’m living my worse nightmare. 

[Billie Rae]

I understand about the deterioration,my husband went from going everywhere with me to not leaving the house in 1 week.On October 14 we went for diagnosis on October 19 he went for chemo and I knew he shouldn't,his blood numbers were to low but he said he had to try once and everything went wrong from there.He was 83 lbs at 6'4 when he died.
To respond to each other we use the@ symbol.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

9 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

still don’t know how to respond to comments individually

Also if you select something someone posted, you'll see "quote" come up, click on that, then you can respond below it.  Or you can hit quote below their post and it will quote the whole passage. And as Billie Rae mentioned, without quoting, you can put @ before their username and it will tag them.

I'm so sorry for your loss, seven years is longer than my George and I got together, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, but we were soul mates, lovers, best friends.  We wanted to grow old together.  He'd just had his 51st birthday and died of a heart attack.

It helps to have people who get it, and here you have that, so I hope you'll continue to come here.  It helps to have a place to talk about them, share your feelings, realize you're not alone in what you're experiencing.

I hope you will print this out, it's kind of soon for much of it to stick with you, but if you read it every few months, something different may strike you each time.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

Now that I’m the one in need of consolation, I don’t believe they know how to approach the same person who picked them up when they were down. It just feels so horrible. Watching the love of my life deteriorate day after day torments me. He went from being such a conversational, vibrant human being to a complete loner who barely said 5 sentences within a day. I feel like cancer killed the both of us.

I really understand this.  I was the family caretaker as far back as I can remember, even as a teenager.  I was "the good girl" who helped people.  Some days I feel like "Hey!  It's my turn to be cared for."  But the one person who was always there for me, who I could count on, is the one who was taken away.  That is something many other members have mentioned.  When the one person who could comfort, console, love, and protect us is the person we have lost, we are left untethered and alone even when we are surrounded by others.

I think it would be okay, in fact beneficial, for you to try to stop trying to make others feel better about things.  They may have lost someone they care about, but you lost your soulmate.  They cannot know what it is like unless they experience it.  As you are able, tell them that you can't always "put on the brave face" (which, BTW you never have to do here).  Tell them that you need them to listen, not try to cheer you up.  Tell them that right now it is painful for you to hear about all the great things in their lives.  I've decided it's more than okay to be selfish right now.  It took me months to realize that.  I don't intend to be mean or angry or rude, but I've started being more honest, though in as kind and loving a way as I can. 

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?  Keeping in mind that I am not a therapist, it might be a good idea for you to allow your grief to show.  To explain that while you do believe your love is now out of pain and an angel, you are also grieving for all the time you will not have together, for all the things he will miss, and for everything you planned for your future.  I think it is a mistake to completely hide our grief from our children or, as in my case, our grandchildren.

I've said before that our society absolutely sucks at handling death and grief.  We don't want to admit to mortality, so we hide ourselves from it, which means society hides itself from those of us who are grieving.  People don't know what to say, so they say nothing at all or say something trite they think is consoling or (the worst) say something they may not even realize is hurtful because they are uncomfortable with our emotions and loss.  We are a terrible reminder that this could happen to them.  It's easier to hide their heads in the sand and pretend things will be back to normal soon.  Only we know that there is no such thing as "back to normal" because that would mean our loves were still here with us.

It is horrible.  There is no way around it.  My husband and I fought his cancer for nearly 1-1/2 years.  Living through the toll it took on his body and mind was devastating.  He kept trying to fight almost until the end, even longer than we probably should have expected or he should have, because he didn't want to leave me, our girls, and our family. 

I haven't even told our daughter about the images and moments that haunt me day and night.  I don't think it would be beneficial.  You're right, it is as if cancer killed both of us in a supremely unfair, unjust way.  For sure it killed the woman I was.  For 35 years I was part of an "and" with an imperfect, but perfect for me man.  Even though it's probably unhealthy, I dwell on all the things I could have done better, not just while we were fighting his cancer, but for more than 35 years.  Some days I wish so hard for a "do over" because now I truly know how precious and fragile life is.  I pray daily for him to forgive my faults and failings, even though my heart knows he always has and already did.

I don't expect to ever get over losing him because I lost half of everything that makes me, me.  What I'm trying to do is work through my guilt, pain, and anger (not at him; he didn't do anything wrong) to come to a place where I can live with my grief.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  It's the hardest thing most of us will ever do.

When it comes to your love's funeral, please don't try to be strong for others.  If you feel like you're falling apart, go ahead.  People may be uncomfortable, they may not understand.  They don't need to understand, though it would be nice if they tried.  You need to put your sanity and your son first, far above making anyone else feel "better" about everything you have lost. 

I am so sorry you are going through this nearly unbearable loss.  My heart goes out to you and your son.  I'm glad you found your way here.  The members here have helped me.  I think they will help you too.

[KayC]

I agree with your post, foreverhis, this is a time to put your needs first, self-care is so important especially now.  And the one thing that sets this loss apart from other relationship losses is they were the one we turned to in life and now they're gone, it's hard being on our own with our grief.  That and the loss of spouse/partner affects every aspect of our lives.

I agree that we don't need to put on a brave face, it's okay for others to see our grief.  Sometimes there's no hiding it anyway.  Going to work and trying to function, that's hard enough to deal with!

[Fmf]

On 3/30/2019 at 1:43 PM, KayC said:

I agree that we don't need to put on a brave face, it's okay for others to see our grief.  Sometimes there's no hiding it anyway.  Going to work and trying to function, that's hard enough to deal with!

I find your comment interesting. I feel like all I have done is put on a brave face and acted as my “strong” self. I’ve gotten good at telling people I’m fine and even acting in that manner  , meanwhile I’m really not inside and I use my time alone, whenever it may be to fall apart.  Going to work is hard and exhausting- I teach 10 year olds and they are certainly hard enough to deal with. Maybe I need to show my grief, just don’t think I’m ready to do that at this point, but your comment has made me think. 

[KayC]

On my other forum we have a teacher (of adults) and he's gotten bad performance appraisals because of how he's interacted since his wife's death, he didn't realize it but he was coming across short tempered and people had reported it.  They were not aware of his loss.  The grief counselor on that board suggested that he let them know what he's going through, simply and without undue detail.  He's refused suggestions but it seems to me that if people knew they'd cut him some slack or at least put his responses in context of what he's going through.  People can't know what we don't tell them.

With children it's a little trickier, but perhaps reading them a book about it and then mentioning that you had a loss.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html
(see the link listing children's books inside the article)
 

 

[Fmf]

@KayC my students are aware of my situation.  When their teacher disappears for 2 weeks  they needed to be told something.  I even spoke with them when I returned.  I teach two different classes and before all this happened one of those classes was challenging without everything that happened. I am very lucky to have terrific support of teachers and administration that I work with and who thought I was crazy for only taking a week of after the funeral.  I will agree however that I am even more short tempered with the one group in particular, but I do have to remind myself that they are only 10 and don't truly understand the enormity of my situation.  

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Fmf said:

I feel like all I have done is put on a brave face and acted as my “strong” self. I’ve gotten good at telling people I’m fine and even acting in that manner  , meanwhile I’m really not inside and I use my time alone, whenever it may be to fall apart.

I'm afraid I do that too.  In part it's because I have never been good at crying in front of other people, not even my husband.  I've always tried to prevent it and have always fallen apart in private when I can.  I get really embarrassed by it.  I even got embarrassed at the hospital and rehab on the days I would lose it.  Right, like they don't have people falling apart there every day.  I think it's also in part because that's how I was raised.  My parents had little patience for us crying about most things.

In the next day or two I'm going to be more honest with our daughter about it.  I have to because hiding it from her and letting her think I'm the strong mom she's always known is not working.  One of her primary "complaints" about all of the family is that we do tend to hold things back.  There are many things I will not tell her; they would not be beneficial to her.  But I am going to speak up more.  I've given this a lot of thought and will be doing it by email.  It's not ideal, but I would not make it through a conversation without losing it.  Plus, my medical conditions can make it difficult to put a coherent thought together or react quickly.  This way I can think about what I'm saying, reread it to make sure it's what I mean to say, and then send it.  Then we can talk on the phone or have a Skype session.

This is the only place where I don't ever put on that fake brave face because this is the one place where absolutely everyone understands.  I think some of my little circle has backed off because I've acted so strong around them.  Yeah, well, I need them to take care of me, so they need to see that I actually need them to do that.  Does that make sense?

[KayC]

it not only makes sense, but it's a whole lot of pressure to put on ourselves to "appear fine" when inside we're hurting so much!

[Fmf]

@KayC  I think it makes others feel better when we put this act on. Plus to be honest I don't really want advice from others, outside of here they have no idea.  I talk about how busy things are with my daughters and everyone is like "Oh Good a distraction"  I just smile and nod but I really want to tell them  no its really not a distraction, the fact that I now have to do this all on my own only magnifies the fact that my husband is no longer here.  But I guess I just let it go because ultimately they don't want to hear it. 

[KayC]

You're right and some of the things they say to us is meant to make THEM feel better, not us although I seriously doubt they realize it.

One other thing I thought about, some people put on the brave face because they don't want to break down, don't want to deal with other's reactions, don't want to talk about it.  I get that.  So long as we have SOMEONE we can talk to.  I have my sisters, they haven't been through this but they do care and try to imagine what it must be like...of course they can't and I'm glad they aren't having to.