When the sun comes out , I cry...!

[moondust]

Hi everyone.

I've just joined today and would love to ask this very strange question - (or perhaps it's not?)

I lost my partner last summer quite suddenly and have cried every day (which I'm sure you're familiar with)..

As the Spring days have arrived I've found myself going into my garden more.

I love the quiet and the colours. It usually helps a little.

Then I noticed a couple of times this week, when the sun came out suddenly, (and it feels lovely and warm) I just want to sob...

I can't understand it as normally I'm a real summer person and hate the dark winter nights..

I know it sounds crazy and it's not such a big deal, but does anyone ever feel this way?

 

By the way, I had a 2 year long distance relationship - we did not live together.

 

[beaniele]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost Roger from sudden death in Nov. I have noticed the same feelings. When the sun is out and the weather pretty I feel very sad and cry. I think because my husband loved this time of year and would be planning our garden and other activities. It makes me incredibly sad at the life he is missing and loved.

Linda

[KayC]

moondust, I lost my husband on Father's Day 2005 so of course I cried over the summer, but then it didn't stop come winter either.  The festive times of year were hard as he loved each and every holiday and season, and I think those things hit me hard...missed going for Autumn drives to find colorful leaves together, missed him being here to cut down the Christmas tree and help put it up, missed each and every thing each season brought.  

I want to welcome you here and encourage you to share when you feel it, it helps to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and going through, I am very sorry for your loss.

[moondust]

7 minutes ago, beaniele said:

I am sorry for your loss. I lost Roger from sudden death in Nov. I have noticed the same feelings. When the sun is out and the weather pretty I feel very sad and cry. I think because my husband loved this time of year and would be planning our garden and other activities. It makes me incredibly sad at the life he is missing and loved.

Linda
 

Thankyou so much for your reply Linda.

You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I do confide in a couple of good friends but generally I don't mention this sort of thing.

So wonderful to have someone understand.

I'm so sorry to hear of Roger's death.

He sounds like a very special man.

When I can afford it I'm going to buy a rose plant as a memory.

Much love.

 

 

[moondust]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

moondust, I lost my husband on Father's Day 2005 so of course I cried over the summer, but then it didn't stop come winter either.  The festive times of year were hard as he loved each and every holiday and season, and I think those things hit me hard...missed going for Autumn drives to find colorful leaves together, missed him being here to cut down the Christmas tree and help put it up, missed each and every thing each season brought.  

I want to welcome you here and encourage you to share when you feel it, it helps to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and going through, I am very sorry for your loss.

I already feel very welcome, thankyou so much Kay.

It was lovely to read of all your memories. The changing of the seasons and the things you enjoyed together.

I read a quote today which helped me..

It said " Grief lasts as long as love lasts"

..and though the pain is difficult..I don't want to forget him..I hope that makes sense.

If anyone reading is much farther down the road..would love to hear of your feelings now..is it possible to hold onto the love without it being so raw?

( Hope I'm making sense)

[Billie Rae]

Yes,I cry when the sun shines,how can he not be here to enjoy this beautiful day?I'm so sorry for your grief,for all our grief(I don't like the word loss,I haven't lost him he's right here inside of me)My Charlie was a carpenter and he loved working in the sun,he would come home laughing and happy and we would go for a ride with the Windows down and music playing and I wonder why he can't be here to enjoy these few perfect days.(Seattle)
Hugs and love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[moondust]

Thankyou so much for your reply Billie.

I can just imagine you enjoying the good weather with the windows down!

I understand what you mean by using a word you prefer. Words are powerful things.

Have you done anything to remember him by?

I think I mentioned buying a rose plant..

Although I did see a lovely locket..

Maybe it's just doing what works for you.Some people don't need sentimental reminders..

Sending love and hugs.

[HPB]

"She is ALWAYS on my mind.  I am trying to live but the whole world seems so strange now.  The days just tick off one by one.  Every time I do something new without her I can give myself a quick pat on that back for pushing out into the world by myself, only to finish and not be able to tell her what I did or am going to do.  Every thing I do seems to take my mind off of her for a few minutes, but I always come back to this place of very deep sorrow.  There is nothing to get excited about anymore.  Nothing to look forward too really."  "I continually see myself alone or with people unlike Nicole when I look to the future.  A detached, very lonely person, never having a magical person in my life again.  I feel like when she was with me I was living in fairy tale and now the book has ended (tragically).  When I look at the sunshine beaming into my house through the windows it looks strange now.  Everyone I meet that is single enjoys life,  they just seem to be living.  I think how can they be so happy without a special person in their life?  And why do I feel so dead compared to them?  I talked to one lady who lost her husband and after a year looks back at the memories with joy.  I still cry when I look at pictures or think about all the things we did together.  I dont think this pain is ever going away or even going to lessen."

[Text above is from @bradley1985 (https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10881-lost-my-33-year-old-wife-six-months-out/page/4/&tab=comments#comment-157073)]

[JES]

@moondust  I love the sun too, but am sad he is not here to enjoy it. He would be so excited, getting our bicycles all checked over, tires pumped, ready to go..then he would go alone for 20 mile ride and come back for me to ride the last 10 miles with him ( easy miles) as I liked flat roads and no hills.  He loved riding, his biggest passion, over anything. If weather was bad he rode on a roller trainer in basement. He wrote down every mile,  rode up to 10,000 miles a year until his health got bad. Even had a tattoo on his calf of a guy flying on a bike. We nicknamed him Bikeman and it stuck.  I don't know if I can ever get on a bike again...it will be one of the hardest things for me to do.  I also noticed you lost your love last summer, approaching dates also seem to trigger more emotions.  I am so sad for all of us.  The weeping willow tree we planted together never made it, I like your thought of a rose bush or I may try another willow tree. Love to all.

[JES]

@HPB  Aww...the roses...my tears are flowing.  My Kevin always picked the wild ones at the cottage and put them on the dash of my side of the truck so I'd see them when I got in,  I still have the dried ones there from last time.  I saved them all ( jars full). I won't ever get another rose from him...makes me so sad.  I' m so sorry for us all. Jeanne

[moondust]

Aww what a beautiful thing to do Jeanne. I love roses. I'm not an extravagant person but if I could afford it, I would have flowers in every room.

 I am so sorry for upsetting you though.

I get upset with certain songs etc..we all have something don't we?

It hurts but nobody can take away your memories.

I

[JES]

@moondust  No problem,  I really hadn’t thought about the roses. Just hit me after the picture, so definitely no ones fault..  I was fortunate, my sister-in-law called right after so we talked for almost two hours.  Am doing ok now.  Im one who doesn’t cry often but lately seems to be more. I love flowers too, my sister brought me bouquet other night.  While we were in my kitchen, my light went off in kitchen ( not a burnt bulb) and my sister said “ Hi Kevin, I brought your Jeanne flowers”. She thinks he was happy and letting us know.  I hope so.  Love and hugs

[moondust]

2 hours ago, JES said:

@moondust  I love the sun too, but am sad he is not here to enjoy it. He would be so excited, getting our bicycles all checked over, tires pumped, ready to go..then he would go alone for 20 mile ride and come back for me to ride the last 10 miles with him ( easy miles) as I liked flat roads and no hills.  He loved riding, his biggest passion, over anything. If weather was bad he rode on a roller trainer in basement. He wrote down every mile,  rode up to 10,000 miles a year until his health got bad. Even had a tattoo on his calf of a guy flying on a bike. We nicknamed him Bikeman and it stuck.  I don't know if I can ever get on a bike again...it will be one of the hardest things for me to do.  I also noticed you lost your love last summer, approaching dates also seem to trigger more emotions.  I am so sad for all of us.  The weeping willow tree we planted together never made it, I like your thought of a rose bush or I may try another willow tree. Love to all.

JES thankyou for sharing such beautiful thoughts with me. I feel privileged to know you all already.

The roses I am hoping to buy are 'patio roses' in a pot. I'm hoping they are easy to maintain.

The company I'm thinking of using has names for all of its roses so I'll try and choose a suitable one.

A willow tree is a fantastic idea though..

They are so pretty and a lovely reminder of love.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, moondust said:

Then I noticed a couple of times this week, when the sun came out suddenly, (and it feels lovely and warm) I just want to sob...

I can't understand it as normally I'm a real summer person and hate the dark winter nights..

I know it sounds crazy and it's not such a big deal, but does anyone ever feel this way?

Yes, I feel that way.

My husband and I were not winter people.  I loathed the winter, especially this past one.  I always felt I was just existing between about All Saint's Day and Valentine's Day, which is when I would notice the days getting longer again.

I know one reason beautiful days are particularly hard for me is that we'd be reveling in the spring and upcoming summer together.  We be going to garden sales, planning projects, setting up veggie pots, maybe going to the beach for a walk, and so many other things.  Being reminded that these treasured times are over for us is devastating.  The anticipation of spring was something that sustained us through the winter.

I don't know if it helps to know you are not alone, but truly you are not.  You are certainly not crazy and it is a big deal.

[moondust]

12 minutes ago, JES said:

@moondust  No problem,  I really hadn’t thought about the roses. Just hit me after the picture, so definitely no ones fault..  I was fortunate, my sister-in-law called right after so we talked for almost two hours.  Am doing ok now.  Im one who doesn’t cry often but lately seems to be more. I love flowers too, my sister brought me bouquet other night.  While we were in my kitchen, my light went off in kitchen ( not a burnt bulb) and my sister said “ Hi Kevin, I brought your Jeanne flowers”. She thinks he was happy and letting us know.  I hope so.  Love and hugs

Aww that was so uplifting that she arrived with some flowers. It's good you were able to talk for a couple of hours.

Talking really helps me.

Problem is I have a small circle of friends and don't like to keep going over the same stories..

It's strange though..and this is another weird thing ( does anyone relate?)

I feel if I don't mention his name regularly it's as if he never existed..

I like to write in a journal and just love to see his name in ink.

[moondust]

9 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Yes, I feel that way.

My husband and I were not winter people.  I loathed the winter, especially this past one.  I always felt I was just existing between about All Saint's Day and Valentine's Day, which is when I would notice the days getting longer again.

I know one reason beautiful days are particularly hard for me is that we'd be reveling in the spring and upcoming summer together.  We be going to garden sales, planning projects, setting up veggie pots, maybe going to the beach for a walk, and so many other things.  Being reminded that these treasured times are over for us is devastating.  The anticipation of spring was something that sustained us through the winter.

I don't know if it helps to know you are not alone, but truly you are not.  You are certainly not crazy and it is a big deal.

Thankyou foreverhis.

I wish I'd found this site sooner!

Oh I love garden sales..every time I go now I will think of you both planning your veggie plots.

It's sad to remember but also precious too.

[ccoflove]

I understand that. This winter was long and full of intense greiving. My partner died in Nov. but the weather matched my mood so in a way it felt ok. Now that Spring is here it is a sign of rebirth and the summer to come and its almost more depressing to be sad on a beautiful day everyone else is enjoying and that reminds you of the things youd be doing together. We would be planting flowers along our raised bed and taking the boat out to the beach for a picnic. Something i cant do without him if oi want to, and besides it will never be the same without him.

[Billie Rae]

@Moondust I bought paving stones with his name and an engraving of his truck on them and will make an entry in my apartment when I move.I also write to him in my letter journal I tell people that it's okay to talk about him that way I know he was.My Charlie was a carpenter and built several of the more distinctive buildings around here so I get to See his work daily.
My love to you all May we find one moments peace
Billie

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[JES]

So many nice ideas... I also thought of hanging his precious bamboo bike on a wall..   he had five, but that one was his ( mustang lol).  They are all covered, shiny clean, as he left them.  He never cared much about new vehicles, but his bikes were his babies.    We still have snowbanks but been in 40s so roads and spots are bare. Spring was always my favorite time of year but thinking will be tough this year, as it is for all.  Hugs and hope to all. We’ll get through it together.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, moondust said:

If anyone reading is much farther down the road..would love to hear of your feelings now..is it possible to hold onto the love without it being so raw?

It will be 14 years for me come Father's Day.  The raw-ness is where you are on your journey right now, being early in your grief.  The love does not go away, we have our memories, we cherish them still.  That I believe we will be together again gives me the hope that I need.  I do not fear death, in fact I welcome it as the "what's next" around the corner, even though it may be many years yet.  I live in the here and now, focusing on enjoying what IS rather than merely lamenting what ISN'T, which I can't change.  This enables me to embrace whatever good comes my way, and it has helped to learn to live in the present.  I'm still not perfect at it, sometimes I venture to the future, which brings anxiety, but then I bring myself back to the present and remind myself to stay in this day, do just this day, it's enough, leave the future for itself.

These are the things I have learned on my journey that I have found have been helpful to myself or others, I wrote it at about ten years out:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

I love all of the ideas you guys have written here...we also planted trees together that did not make it (Pine), one is in our forest but not really taking off, even after all these years, the rest died.  

With the nicer weather we would be camping, going for drives. he'd be gardening...I tried to keep his garden going but alas I do not have a green thumb, he'd be appalled if he saw the state of things now, I really do need him back.

[moondust]

Thankyou for that wonderful wonderful post!

I think it must be the most thorough sensitive, advice I've read.

I have a strong faith which is my anchor, but every one of the points listed are so helpful

.. sending a big hug!

[moondust]

I'm not well today ( nothing serious)..but thankyou HPB and others..I will reply properly when I can. I cannot express how grateful I am to you all for sharing your precious, beautiful thoughts...also encouraging me that I will get through this....

Thankyou so much.

 

[Billie Rae]

I love all of the ideas you guys have written here...we also planted trees together that did not make it (Pine), one is in our forest but not really taking off, even after all these years, the rest died.  
With the nicer weather we would be camping, going for drives. he'd be gardening...I tried to keep his garden going but alas I do not have a green thumb, he'd be appalled if he saw the state of things now, I really do need him back.

Hahaha!that's why I bought pavers,I'm famous for being a plant murderer,every plant I've had just dies.My clients son gave me a beautiful well established palm tree and for a year it looked so happy then one day I came home and it was drooped over and Brown.

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[KayC]

45 minutes ago, moondust said:

I'm not well today

I hope you get to feeling better SOON, we'll be here when you're more able...(((hugs)))

[moondust]

Hi Kay C and the rest of you amazing people.

Feeling a little better physically today.

Just seen my counsellor this morning and that helped.

I have another question though which is really upsetting me -

When I look at my partners photograph now I feel I hardly know him - it's like I know who he is..but I don't know him (?)..

I'm also beginning to forget some of the wonderful conversations we had..it feels like 100 years ago since we last spoke.. has anyone ever heard of this?

I'm worried it means I didn't really love him.. but I did, very much.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, moondust said:

When I look at my partners photograph now I feel I hardly know him - it's like I know who he is..but I don't know him (?)..

This is common, I know, we hate that, but it does happen to us...I feel like my life with George is a movie I watched, not real.  That's because my reality now is such a stark contrast.  It's hard to explain, but it has to do with the way our brains process.  I still remember him, but honestly, I feel like I made him up!  I have physically had to go to my file drawers and pull out his birth certificate, our marriage license, his death certificate, yep, that's him, he really was in my life!  I see his handwriting in a card above my computer, I see his pictures up on the wall, so why does it feel so unreal?  I don't know, just know that you're not alone in those feelings.

I write to him, journal, it helps.  It helps to talk with family members and friends too, and hear them recalling him.  

[moondust]

Kay I am nearly in tears reading this..I am so pleased to have found someone who understands.

Wow it must be so hard for you. I was only with my partner for two years and we weren't even married.

Do you think it's something to do with shock? It's as if our minds can't take it so somehow distance themselves - yet at the same time if I hear this voice on an old answerphone message I start to cry.

Thankyou so much for explaining to me.

[Billie Rae]

Hi Kay C and the rest of you amazing people.
Feeling a little better physically today.
Just seen my counsellor this morning and that helped.
I have another question though which is really upsetting me -
When I look at my partners photograph now I feel I hardly know him - it's like I know who he is..but I don't know him (?)..
I'm also beginning to forget some of the wonderful conversations we had..it feels like 100 years ago since we last spoke.. has anyone ever heard of this?
I'm worried it means I didn't really love him.. but I did, very much.

I also feel distant and like who was this man?I can't remember his voice or remember how he felt.The only thing I see clearly is his smell because it's on my blankets.It feels not real,like it was a dream.I can remember when he was sick,but no picture of before.I have to stare at his drivers license and still it's not clear.
Love
Billie

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[moondust]

Thankyou for your heartfelt reply Billie.

I have never experienced this before even though I've had bereavements in the family when I was younger.

I don't know whether it will help - but my grandmother died four years ago and for a long time my memory was only of her in sickness. Now it's easier - when I see her in my minds eye she is smiling and healthy.. I hope this happens for you also.

[SBA]

I'm the same way, and just feel this sadness when it is nice out. I thought I was probably the only one feeling this way. I think the dark and dreary just matched my mood. Dave would have been outside working in the yard, getting his boat ready and most importantly to him, getting ready for turkey season.  I spent the entire week-end on the couch, with the TV on and feeling this dread that I would have a whole summer without him.  It has been 9 months and I'm already thinking about June 27th, the anniversary of his death.  In some ways it seems like yesterday but in another way it seems like eternity since I have heard his voice and saw his smile, felt his hugs and kisses.  Part of me want to just scream.  My family would be shocked to hear me say this, they think I am coping so well.  

Prayers for all on this board, your words mean so much.

[KayC]

On 4/1/2019 at 8:18 AM, moondust said:

Kay I am nearly in tears reading this..I am so pleased to have found someone who understands.

Wow it must be so hard for you. I was only with my partner for two years and we weren't even married.

Do you think it's something to do with shock? It's as if our minds can't take it so somehow distance themselves - yet at the same time if I hear this voice on an old answerphone message I start to cry.

Thankyou so much for explaining to me.

I don't think mine is shock because it's been almost 14 years he's been gone.  It's weird but he has been gone twice as long as I had him in my life, yet my love for him has not diminished, nor has my missing him.  He just made such a profound impact on my life!  He was my person, "the one"!  I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years yet we never clicked like George and I did, we were not as close, part of it was he was closed emotionally and wasn't good at communication except superficial, nothing intimate.  George and I hit it off from hello.