6 months and its still hard

[JES]

I just had the 6 month day last saturday, March 23, since I lost Kevin.  Seems so long yet almost new again, how could it be that long already?  My emotions are back in full force.....the missing him, the whys, what ifs, anger, sadness. I know I couldn't of changed things but still doubt myself.  I don't think it helped to have had to go to "our" workplace today to get papers signed.  We worked at same place so went into main building together most of time. I've been putting it off...did fine...talked about him with HR, she was very nice. Then went to store and ran into 2 more people we had known, that didn't know he had passed.  By the time I came home, I just lost it, I wanted him here.  I wish I couldve just screamed, yelled, but just crying hard had both dogs in my lap.  I texted my daughter and sister back and forth which really helped, they both understood.  I think I do much better around strangers, they don't have the history with us, and I can feel more normal as they don't know my loss. Think Im always trying to avoid " work" people as they know what we had together. So I still don't go to big stores often.  I totally get doing better with new friends...." my new life"..... except for my family...its much easier on me.  Is it just me or do others feel this way too?  I don't want to block him out but most of the time I can only handle sharing with others on my terms.  

[Billie Rae]

Ohh Jes,I'm sorry it's so tough now.I have days when I'm okay and as last night I kept thinking no he'll be home soon.It couldn't have been him it couldn't have happened to us!I also do better with new people,I feel awkward and kinda selfish around people who knew us,it seems like they want me to see their grief but I think"you just don't get it,your words are inadequate".Go ahead and throw a tantrum,it feels good,honest.Howl,yell and beat up something soft or throw something(unbreakable)
Love you sweet one
Billie

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Thankyou so much, I feel bad for you too.  Sometimes I worry that Im just retreating into a shell... I do have better days too. Think 6 months triggered it and the work thing. I'll try to get away from dogs and beat a pillow or something.  My sister just stopped and brought me bouquet of flowers and Easter peeps,  what a sweetheart....she knew I was having rough time.  Love to you too.

[ScottsWife]

I have retreated. All my friends call me and I ignore them. I just don't or can't share this with anyone. My kids see me crying all the time, I mostly stay away from people. It's been not yet two months for me so I'm still a total mess. I will never feel whole again. I have to get used to being incomplete. My heart breaks more each day, I think. 

I know it will get better, but life will never really be right again for me. It will always feel askew...like it is off balance. Because Scott was my balance. 

I hope I feel better at six months, but it feels kind of worse now than it was at first.

Maybe shock or something. Anyhow... I know how you feel. I feel it greatly, the desire to go into that shell. I need my shell, at least for now I do. 

That's all I really wanted to say.

[JES]

@ScottsWife  Your grief is so new...I went through not answering phone, not wanting to talk to anyone, crying.....you can’t help feeling that way, we have no control over those emotions. I feel bad for you, it’s a tough journey.  I hope I didn’t scare you or make you lose hope for feeling a little better at 6 months.  I honestly can say I do have better days,  just a setback I didn’t expect at this time. They are farther apart now but you are right, we will never feel whole without them.  My daughter said to me today  “ mom,  it takes time to learn to live on your own and around a hole in your heart”.  She has been there, lost a fiancé many years ago in a car accident.  So she understands.  They will always be that hole....don’t think it will go away but we just learn how to live with it.  You very likely are still in shock, and it’s ok to grieve in your own way, at this time it’s good to do what you feel is best for you.  Thank you for sharing.  My thoughts are with you.

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, JES said:

My emotions are back in full force.....the missing him, the whys, what ifs, anger, sadness. I know I couldn't of changed things but still doubt myself.

I can't sleep tonight--again.  I was going to start a new thread, but @JES, yours says it all right there.

I'm coming up on 9 months.  I know I will never get over losing my soulmate.  I never expected I would.  It's just that I'd been having little times that were pretty good, where I could step through my grief for a couple of hours and actually smile or laugh.  Maybe do something enjoyable, talk about my husband and our life as I'm able, and open myself up a bit at a time.  Even though so much of the time I'm in the dark, there have been bits of light.

But for the past several days, I've been spiraling down again.  I've been having some health flare ups, which doesn't help.  I can't seem to stop thinking about everything my love is missing and all the things we'd be doing together.  I keep sobbing to him how much I love and miss him, telling him I'm sorry, asking him to forgive me, and on and on.  I'm going over and over everything and doing the "Why did/didn't we...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..."

I suppose what's worst is that I have no idea why this is happening now.  There's no specific trigger that I can figure.  I guess I can take small comfort knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel and what's happening.

[Sunflower2]

10 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

I need my shell, at least for now I do. 

and this is so ok!  we do exactly what we need to do to find a sliver of comfort. xo

~Sunflower~

[KayC]

Jes,

Working together at the same place, that'd be hard to go to.  I had the opposite feelings, the place I worked saw us together, knew how close we were, they were so caring, but I lost that job a few months after he died and the new place I went to work at, they were young, didn't have a clue what I was going through, they were wrapped up in their lives, it's hard to explain but it felt like they were shallow, clueless, they never knew him, never knew what I lost. I never felt a part of them.  Losing my job I felt like it was just one more loss.  Today, all these years later, there's few around who knew him, who knew what we were like together, my family and a couple people left at church, but most of the people who knew us have died.

I'm sorry you're hurting...go ahead, hit those pillows!  This is a very emotional experience, so hard to get through.

 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, JES said:

 I hope I didn’t scare you or make you lose hope for feeling a little better at 6 months

All of our journeys are as unique as we are, but one thing we've noticed is this is like a roller coaster, we handle it okay some days but others, oh my!

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

I hope I feel better at six months, but it feels kind of worse now than it was at first.

This probably won't help you feel better, but you're not alone in feeling that way.  I was really surprised when at a few months out I was feeling (and probably acting) worse than right after.  I didn't think I could feel worse than I did in the couple of weeks after I lost my love, but there it was. 

I ran into our eye doctor at about that time and he specifically asked me about a number of things because he was concerned.  He said his mom had soldiered on through the first couple of months, but then started spiraling down emotionally and even physically, which was right about the time her family thought she'd probably start feeling a little better.  So even before I found my way here, I knew I was at least not alone in thinking, "What the heck?  How can anything be worse than that horrible day?"   

I think part of it was that those first weeks were filled with legal and other paperwork, etc.  Plus it really is a shock, even when we've had a little time before to try to prepare ourselves for it.  I think our minds are trying to protect us from going off the deep end and completely, permanently losing it.  We're forced to focus on getting through the nitty-gritty and maybe can't deal with all our emotions at once.  Having half our hearts, souls, and lives ripped away isn't something we should expect to handle in one big lump.

To be brutally honest, I don't think I will ever get over feeling incomplete and somewhat lost.  I've decided that what I have to do is learn to live with it, with the grief and pain, understanding it will be part of me always.  It's the price I'm willing to pay to have the grace of true love in my life.  I think it will take me years to find any real peace in my heart and soul.  Until then and as I go along, I'm going to try not to beat myself up for not being stronger or better. 

Some days I am still a virtual recluse like I was in the beginning.  I still hate going out because I have to come home and get smacked in the heart with the reminder that my love is not here.  I think that shell you mention is one of the ways we protect ourselves while our grief is so raw and we are so fragile.  No one can expect to be strong at a time like this.  No one.

Your Scott sounds like an incredible husband, father, and soulmate.  My heart goes out to you and your children.

[Billie Rae]

I know that for me the first month was denial my second is disbelief.I think you said it right Foreverhis,the shock keeps us safe because if we had to process the horror of this all at once our hearts couldn't take it nor our minds.@ScottsWife I feel especially sad for you,I feel an outrage when bad things happen to young people.My heart to you and your children.
My love to all

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[ScottsWife]

This is an emotional rollercoaster, that's right. And I hate rollercoasters. Always have. My emotions go up and down all day every day.

Maybe something is in the air with spring coming. It's the beautiful spring mourning. Pun intended.

Thank you for your kind words. Scott, at 46, was way too young. We loved eachother for 25 years. I always felt I was the luckiest woman in the world. Even though we never had money and we faced years of medical issues with my love, I always felt lucky. 

Now that Scott was taken from us, I now feel sorrow and pain like no other. Losing him hurts me physically, in my heart. I cry all the time. My poor children. There beautiful daddy is gone.  Thankfully, we had them young, but he was the most loving man and so good. It shakes a person to see the unfairness of life.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

Even though we never had money and we faced years of medical issues with my love, I always felt lucky.

We worked hard, but were not wealthy.  Still we did okay, with enough for a few splurges from time to time and some savings for the future.

Then 25 years ago, my husband was in an accident that almost killed him.  Most of him recovered, but not all.  He tried and tried and did everything he was supposed to do, but finally 2 years later, all three doctors told him it wasn't going to happen.  He was not going back to his career in software development and accounting.  We lost his medical insurance, his income (he worked for himself), and our financial future.  But you know what?  We never lost our love.  We never lost our faith in each other.  So I understand why you felt lucky.

A few years later, I was diagnosed with long-term medical conditions, so we adjusted our expectations, changed our lives, and carried on.  Those changes allowed us to move to an area we had always loved that was outside the urban area where we had grown up and still lived.  We couldn't buy expensive things or a big new house.  We didn't care.  We had love and enough money to live on.  I would not have traded my husband for all the riches in the world.

When my love was diagnosed with a different cancer 15 years ago, we were together through his surgery, radiation, and follow up (complete cure; no recurrence).  When I needed surgery, he was there taking care of me.  So when he was diagnosed this time, I had to believe that we'd go through whatever was necessary for as long as necessary and would triumph once more.  Through everything, every challenge, we were together in love and hope.  Even toward the end, he did his best to be the wonderful man he had always been.  His nurses adored him; the parade of woman asking to come in to our room that last day so they could say goodbye was stunning and a testament to the good man he was.  His doctors and nurses said they'd rarely seen a couple so connected, so caring, and so loving during such impossibly difficult times.  That was simply who we were together.

You and I and our husbands know that money really can't buy happiness, and it certainly can't buy love.  Love is the most precious gift we can receive.  You're right that it is a reason to consider ourselves lucky.  Only those of us who have had a deep, binding, true love know just how valuable and precious that is.  Even on my worst days, I try to remember that.

You and Scott were even luckier than some because you found each other early in your lives.  I'm so sorry you didn't have more time.  It's supremely unfair that a couple so young and devoted should have to face so much pain and grief.  You are such a beautiful couple.  Your love is so clear even in the simple pictures you posted.

I'm sending you hugs and a prayer for you to find moments of comfort and peace.

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, ScottsWife said:

This is an emotional rollercoaster, that's right. And I hate rollercoasters. Always have. My emotions go up and down all day every day. 

I've always loved rollercoasters, but I sure wish I could get off this one.

I hate spinning things like the Tilt-a-Whirl or Tea Cups.  They make me ill, literally.  That's sometimes how I feel.  It's as if my life has spun out of control and I can't stop it.

I'm not surprised your emotions are all over the place.  Your grief is so new, so raw.  In this one thing, I can honestly say I know how you feel.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I didn't think I could feel worse than I did in the couple of weeks after I lost my love, but there it was. 

I've heard it said time and again that about six months is the hardest, and it is for the very reasons you stated...at first we are in shock, we have a funeral to plan and paperwork to do, notifying people, we have support with us, we are in shock and it protects us somewhat, but as the shock wears off and people go back to their lives, the busyness slows down, it hits us in a very real way...they aren't coming home and this is the life we are left with when all is said and done.  It can hit at four months or seven, six months is just a figure, but it hits, at some point.  I want you to know that it can be gotten through though, and little by little we adjust to even this and learn ways to cope that work for us.  This is such a process!  I had no idea in the beginning.  I thought that first day was the worst, and it was, but I began to know it in a very real way, months in.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I've heard it said time and again that about six months is the hardest

Six months was definitely a bad time.  It was the start of the new year.  I was alone on New Year's Eve, but it was for the best.  I felt like I was staring down a long cold dark tunnel. 

Three to four months was also bad because that's when the shock was wearing off, the legal stuff was mostly finished, and people had gone back to their own lives.  I'd been a bit of a recluse as well.   I couldn't see how anything could get better.

I am a bit surprised to be back there now that I'm coming up on nine months.  It's like I'm spiraling down and then coming out of it for a while.  It's "two steps forward, one step back."  Maybe I'm not cycling down as far or as long each time, so I guess that's some progress.

I always figured that grief wasn't some straight line from point A to point B, etc. or tidy little "stages" that we go through from one to the next until "Ta da!" we're finished, but it's harder to live it than to understand it rationally.  I read one article that was really helpful because it was written by "one of us" and she stated outright that, while she found similarities she could kind of categorize, everyone was different.  That people often skip around or go back and forth figuring their way through a new reality.  That made more sense to me.

As all of you know, there are days this journey is unbelievably difficult, almost impossible. 

[JES]

@KayC @foreverhis  That definitely explains me lately, 6 months was last Saturday.  I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been so emotional.  You probably read my other posts. I am so glad to hear this from others. I can be fine, then blubbering for no apparent reason.  Kinda feels better after I have a good cry ( escpecially for me, the not crier).  I think part of it too, I’m crying for others here when I see their posts....I know how they are feeling and I hurt for them too.  So hard to see new people coming on....so many young ones with children lately.  I feel blessed that I at least had 25 happy years, when many others didn’t have that chance. Love to all and know you are in my thoughts.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's "two steps forward, one step back."  Maybe I'm not cycling down as far or as long each time, so I guess that's some progress.

Two steps forward, one step backwards is moving in a progressive fashion overall, even when it doesn't feel like it or you're going backwards.

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I always figured that grief wasn't some straight line from point A to point B, etc. or tidy little "stages" that we go through from one to the next until "Ta da!" we're finished, but it's harder to live it than to understand it rationally.  I read one article that was really helpful because it was written by "one of us" and she stated outright that, while she found similarities she could kind of categorize, everyone was different.  That people often skip around or go back and forth figuring their way through a new reality. 

Totally true.  And the "Five Stages of Grief" were written intending medical grief rather than death grief, you're right, not everyone goes through all "stages" nor are they in any set order, and you can experience even conflicting emotions at the same time or go back and forth between one and another...AND we all respond differently.  Enough similarities we can relate to each other, enough differences to realize ours is a unique journey.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Enough similarities we can relate to each other, enough differences to realize ours is a unique journey.

Simply perfectly said.  Thanks, Kay.

[JES]

I know this is my bad but I' ve been trying to do paperwork that I didn't do those first months. I just found it hard to do anything so its all stressing me out now. I did social security and bills,  I do uncles finances, so thankfully I got his assisted living rent paid each month, with his reminders. Thankfully his mind is good...( now).  But at this 6 months I am trying to do all it.  I finally called an elder care attorney today and set up appointment and my youngest son is going with me.  I still can't concentrate well,  I finally managed to tell my son its been a tough 6 months,  I didn't want to burden him,  he had 3 jobs going, wife traveling for her job, a teenage daughter.  I did talk, text and see him often....let him think I was doing ok.  So, I realize now, we need to ask for help sometimes. He immediately put my lawyer day on his schedule.  Think he was surprised...but very understanding.  Thankfully both mine and Kevins name on everything but I hope this elder attorney can help me out.  I almost feel better already.  And I did get my income tax filed.  Now that its only me,  I have to make all the decisions and make sure all is covered if I were to die.  I just cant fathom how some of the younger ones here can go to work, take care of children,  and do everything they need to do at a time like this.  Please, please...ask for help....you need it at a time like this.  You may be surprised at how people may step up for you.  Thinking of you all. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@Jes it's wonderful that you asked for help,with grief you need the help of ones you can trust because grieving is a job all its own and keeps to no schedule.I hope this takes some stress off of you.
My love to you
Billie

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Thanks so much....yes I already feel better. I know my stuff seems so trivial compared to others here,  you included, so I hate to complain.  I just have such a hard time doing paperwork stuff....but I hate asking for help.....have always been that way.  Ive been fortunate cause they have been there and wouldv'e helped if I just had asked. So my own fault..plus much of the time I only want to be alone.  Hope you are doing ok, I know you have so much on your plate too. Love ya!  Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

[mention=412480]Billie Rae[/mention]  Thanks so much....yes I already feel better. I know my stuff seems so trivial compared to others here,  you included, so I hate to complain.  I just have such a hard time doing paperwork stuff....but I hate asking for help.....have always been that way.  Ive been fortunate cause they have been there and wouldv'e helped if I just had asked. So my own fault..plus much of the time I only want to be alone.  Hope you are doing ok, I know you have so much on your plate too. Love ya!  Jeanne

Nothing you are going through is trivial to me,you are now a part of my life and even though we haven't met in person I care.I'm very stoic so also don't ask for help and right now I'm happier alone.Charlie and I really didn't come-mingle our stuff,kept all accounts separated so there wasn't much for me to do.
I love you
Billie

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[Billie Rae]

Well to add to that,only the truck was in both our names.

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Thankyou so much. I feel the same, wish we lived closer...but glad I have you here,  you are a big part of my life now. Love ya!  Jeanne

[Fmf]

On 3/26/2019 at 7:15 PM, JES said:

I think I do much better around strangers, they don't have the history with us, and I can feel more normal as they don't know my loss.

Last weekend I attended an event at my daughters future college, I was surrounded by people who didn't know my story, there was no "pity stares" as my daughters call them.  So I can relate to what you said about being around strangers and be more "normal"( whatever that is at this point.)  We can choose to to share or not with no expectations from others as far as  talking about our loved ones.  I think many people who know the story have certain expectations of how we should act or what we should say, therefore being around strangers gives us the oportunity to do and say whatever we want whether that involves speaking about our loss or not. So I get how you feel about doing better  around strangers 

[Pim]

To all of you in this thread: thank you for writing down your experiences!

I am now near eight months since my beloved died, and actually this Saturday I seem to be in tears all the time. Maybe because there is no diversion from work and I have to face the day alone, yes, yet another.

I even went cycling by myself again this afternoon, and beautiful though it was, it brought up painful memories. Painful, because I saw the bench where Rob had to rest and he just fell flat on the grass because he could not maintain his balance on the uneven grass (this was when his motor neuron disease was known to us but we still attempted to do some exercising like simple bike rides).

During today's bike ride a thorn decided to get into my tyre. Well, I still made it home fortunately. Then when I came home I was welcomed by a bill from the taxation office, addressed "To: the heirs of mr. ..." It's not the fact that I am taxed but to see those horrible words. It really shocked me.

My only diversion with another human being today will be this evening, when I am going to see the movie "Green Book". Check it out, it looks very worthwile.

Love to you all, I am so glad there are people who understand.

Pim

[Billie Rae]

Pim,it's good that you went for a ride.Outside air seems to be a good place to remember.Enjoy Green Book,I love it.
Love you.
Billie

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[KayC]

Jes, I'm glad you reached out for help and are getting it...a good reminder to us all!  One of the reasons it'd be hard for me to start over is all of the contacts I have from living here so long, I would hate to start over with different doctor, tax consultant, who to get firewood from, who to clean my chimney & gutters, who to cut trees, trim branches, who to do some construction, roofer, etc.  It takes time to learn these resources!  I'm glad you found a good elder attorney, and glad your taxes are done!  Always feels good to have that behind us for another year!