LOST MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART

[jessekugelman]

On january 3 2019 my 2 daughters lives (age 12 and 15) and mine were flipped upside down. my wife of 15 years(together for 20) started complaining her heart was beating out of her chest and her arm was killing her then not even a minute later she was seizing, puking and breathing like a horse i called 911 and sent my youngest daughter to a neighbors house as she was flipping out watching this all (my oldest daughter was spending the night at a friends house) the er she had a blood cloth in her arm and got it out with heperin they sedated and intibated her to try and get her heart rate wich was around 180bpm for hours they ran 2 ct scans and gave us a room the next morning they were sending her to get a mri and brought her out of sedation when they discovered she had stroked by that time she was in a locked in state she could only see and hear till the second night when she had another stroke i kept her on life support till her brothers on the east coast could fly and drive in to see heri took her off life support on january 13 and watched her die for 2 days in hospice. i have been a total wreck not a minute of the day goes by where i dont think about her i have to go visit her grave everyday i hardly get any sleep and when i do i wake up crying i try and stay strong in front of my girls whom in turn say theyre fine and wont go visit her grave with me anymore . ive been reading post on here for days and to everyone on here im genuienly sorry for loss your stories have helped me a little ive finally started back working a week agoafter her 2 month markthank you all for letting me tell my story hopefully it helpd you or me as we feel the same pain

[Fmf]

1 hour ago, jessekugelman said:

as we feel the same pain

I am so sorry to read of the loss you have experienced.  I picked out your last line because it is so true. We come to this site to share with others who are feeling the same pain.  I lost my husband and father within 24 hours of each other, January 29th and 30th, both unexpectedly.  I also have two teenage daughters (15 and 17) and understand the being strong in front of them, and them saying they are fine. My daughters both go to counseling, while not for everyone it has given them an outlet. I don't feel I am able to completely support them , because I  am struggling with  my own grief. I think for me personally  being a parent adds a whole other level to my grief process because I grieve not only the loss of my husband but also for my daughters and all they will miss out on without their dad.    This site has been a great resource of connecting with others who "get it".  Keep coming here, reach out to others, there is also a chat option you can try its great because you get immediate feedback from others 

[Billie Rae]

I'm so sorry for your grief.We here understand the pain the total confusion and raw emotion of your love your partner in life.I'm glad you found this safe space,you can read,rant and grieve openly here and feel accepted and loved.It must be so difficult with children,me I'm only responsible for my own feelings and life but always remember your children carry your wife's DNA so part of her lives in them.My heart to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Jd2019]

I know you pain Jesse my wife died without notice on jan 1 2019. I also have two daughters at home. My wife died in her sleep. Medical examiner said enlarged heart and left side of heart thicken. Sounds like congestive heart failure. Im going to be real with you IT SUCKS! But there is hope and there always will be.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, your wife is beautiful, I can only imagine the loss you are feeling, your sweetheart gone so abruptly.

I'm glad you found your way here, it does help to post and know you're heard, it helps to know you're not crazy that the feelings in grief are one we all go through, and it helps to go through it together.

My husband died of a heart attack.  You may have run across this article I wrote for new grievers but I want to make sure so will post it again, here, hoping something helps you.  The single most helpful thing to me was learning to take a day at a time, not thinking about the whole "rest of my life" and also learning to look for something good in the day, no matter how small or brief.  It changed me as I learned to live in this present moment so I didn't miss what good there is, particularly since you have kids.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JES]

@jessekugelman @Jd2019  I am so sorry for both of your losses,  I hurt for both of yous and your children.  I can't imagine how hard for you and the unexpected and trauma you all went through. We are all here for you, know that we care and we do understand the pain you are going through. Its a tough journey we are all on,  escpecially hard I would think with young children. Sending you all hugs and love and hope for the future..babysteps. Take care of yourselves, one day at a time, or just 1 minute at time. 

[KayC]

On 3/20/2019 at 8:11 AM, Jd2019 said:

I know you pain Jesse my wife died without notice on jan 1 2019. I also have two daughters at home. My wife died in her sleep. Medical examiner said enlarged heart and left side of heart thicken. Sounds like congestive heart failure. Im going to be real with you IT SUCKS! But there is hope and there always will be.

I'm sorry you too are missing your wife, I know it's hard.  Your situation sounds so similar to jesse's.  I hope you both will continue to come here and post and read, it helps to have others to connect with here that get it and understand.

[LostGirl39]

I’m so sorry for your loss. You replied to one of my earlier posts & I’m just now reading your story. I know exactly what you’re going through. I can’t imagine how difficult it is having to raise your beautiful daughters alone & trying to deal with your grief & theirs. I was just thinking about my situation the other day & how at least my boyfriend is in heaven with our babies now. I don’t know how I would’ve been able to explain this to them had they lived. I don’t have any magic words or advice to ease your pain. If I could, I would ease all of our pain. The one thing that’s helped is finding this group. Just knowing that you are not alone & having people that are dealing with the same loss as you is very comforting. 

My boyfriend also suffered a sudden hemorrhagic stroke & immediately went into a coma. We were at home at the time & he was fine the whole day. We had a great day together watching the NFL playoffs. Then, later that night he complained about a really bad headache. He went to lie down on the sofa & didn’t wake up. He had slipped into a coma. He spent 4 days on life support. I’m grateful that I at least got the chance to tell him that I loved him that day. As someone who has also lost a mother at a young age, I can also relate to your daughters pain. They aren’t fine but I suspect that they are trying to be strong for you & probably haven’t processed their grief yet. I did this when my mom died. I felt that I had to be strong for my dad & my brothers. And I just couldn’t deal with the fact that she was gone so I suppressed my grief. That lead to crippling depression & anxiety. Speaking from experience, the pain & loss won’t ever go away. It doesn’t get better but you manage it. You’ll have moments when it hits you all over again that that person is gone. I try to deal with all of my losses by thinking about my favorite memories of them. It helps to keep their memory alive to me. 

Take things one day at a time & know that I’m here if you need to talk. Sending you & your daughters strength & love!