Struggling with my relationship after loss of mother

[anna1993]

Hi everyone.  I am finding myself in a very strange situation with my boyfriend and was wondering if someone has any tips on how to deal with it, whether you have been the one grieving or the one on the other end.

A few months ago my mother passed away somewhat suddenly. I am in my mid-twenties, and have been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. In the beginning I was very much in a state of shock, and leaned on him quite a lot as he provided me sort of an escape from reality and I felt weirdly happy being with him, in such a horrible situation. As time passed however, it has taken a turn for the worse. I live in a different country from my family so he is sort of the closest person to me where I live. I started taking my anger out on him without even being aware of it, which has caused a lot of issues. But lately, I have gone from feeling all sorts of emotions to nothing. As the reality of the death has become more real, I struggle to find joy in things - including the relationship. With even minor issues or tiffs I easily feel like I could just end the relationship then and there, because it doesn't feel like anything matters. Almost like I feel like I need a change in my life for me to feel something again, although I know deep down there is no one else I want to be with, and I'd regret it deeply if we actually broke up. I have tried to explain to him how I feel, and he has been there for me a lot and tries his best although he does not know what to give me. He takes it personally if I ask for space, which has led to some arguments. 

 

I am seeing a therapist in a few weeks but there is a long waiting list. In the mean time I just want to make sure I don't throw the relationship away, because it scares me how easily I feel like I could do that some days. Before all this happened I was so in love and happy, and I know I can feel like that again, I just don't know when. It makes me so sad that I can't just let him be there for me and be happy and excited to see him, but now a days I just feel like no one understands what I'm going through including him. 

 

If anyone has been in a similar situation or been in a relationship with someone who has gone through this - what helped you? My boyfriend is not a big talker so an insight to how this makes him feel might help me. I just feel so helpless, I want to be with him he just feels so unimportant these days, and it frightens me. I don't feel in love, and I feel like I can't give him what he needs out of the relationship. I also wonder whether this change in me and my emotions is permanent or something that will pass, although I guess only time will tell. 

[reader]

Dear Anna,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved mom while you are in another country is very hard.

We all grieve differently so don't be hard on yourself. It brings up a lot of raw emotions and the intensity can be hard for those around us to deal with.

I know you don't mean to take it out on your boyfriend and he is doing the best he can. You might ask him to read this thread and others in the Loss of Parent forum. It will help him understand how difficult it is to process the loss of a parent.

Please know you are not alone and what you are thinking and feeling is normal. I would also try reading articles from this websites for additional support.

What's your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog.

Thinking of you.