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Struggling to Cope


LostGirl39

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Posted

Hey everyone. Hope that you all are doing okay. I just needed to talk. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my boyfriend’s death & I’m really struggling to get through this. Yesterday was especially difficult. I guess that the reality that he’s not coming back is really hitting me hard. I can’t seem to function. My depression is getting worse & I just don’t know what to do. I spend most days in a daze & alternating between crying spells & anger. I know that this is normal & part of the grieving process but I’m just exhausted. I don’t sleep very well & don’t have much of an appetite. There’s no joy in anything anymore. Things that I used to love doing like reading or watching a good movie, holds no interest to me anymore. Like I said in my first post, I’m no stranger to death or grieving but this feels like the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. By the age of 25, I’d lost both of my parents and a ton of other relatives. By 30, I’d suffered 2 miscarriages. All of those losses were difficult to get through but I had my boyfriend there to be my support system. Now at almost 40, I find myself alone & terrified of this new reality without him.

I had a few people tell me that I’m still young enough to start over & that he would want me to be happy. This pissed me off because I can’t even think beyond today much less the future. This man was my everything for 17 years of my life. I’ve spent most of my adulthood with this man, good & bad. It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. I even had one relative to call under the pretense of checking on me but immediately asked if she could have my boyfriend’s truck for her son. As you can see, I don’t have anyone for support. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to get through this. Suicide is not an option but living doesn’t seem like one either. Like someone’s post said, it’s not that I want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain. Everything is a constant reminder of him. I’m angry that he left me behind. And I’m just angry about all the things that we won’t get to do now that he’s gone. We were supposed to get married finally & travel around the country in an RV. He wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. Sorry that I’m all over the place. I appreciate being able to rant to you guys. It helps a lot to read everyone’s posts & know that I’m not alone in this grieving process. I’m not looking forward to getting through another week. But time moves on no matter what. Sending love to everyone in this group that’s struggling as well to cope. I truly know how you feel. I’m sure that I’ll be posting again soon. Take care!

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KarenSunshine
Posted

Oh dear friend, I do so feel your pain today. I am in the same place. Two months is but a blink of an eye...be gentle with yourself and trust that time will help. I suspect that your earlier losses, the miscarriages particularly,  are adding to the intensity of your grief. It is sunny today, and I am KarenSunshine, so why don't I feel happy?  Not to be .. not yet - but eventually. AND you Do have ALL of us for support.

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Moment2moment
Posted
3 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

Hey everyone. Hope that you all are doing okay. I just needed to talk. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my boyfriend’s death & I’m really struggling to get through this. Yesterday was especially difficult. I guess that the reality that he’s not coming back is really hitting me hard. I can’t seem to function. My depression is getting worse & I just don’t know what to do. I spend most days in a daze & alternating between crying spells & anger. I know that this is normal & part of the grieving process but I’m just exhausted. I don’t sleep very well & don’t have much of an appetite. There’s no joy in anything anymore. Things that I used to love doing like reading or watching a good movie, holds no interest to me anymore. Like I said in my first post, I’m no stranger to death or grieving but this feels like the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. By the age of 25, I’d lost both of my parents and a ton of other relatives. By 30, I’d suffered 2 miscarriages. All of those losses were difficult to get through but I had my boyfriend there to be my support system. Now at almost 40, I find myself alone & terrified of this new reality without him.

I had a few people tell me that I’m still young enough to start over & that he would want me to be happy. This pissed me off because I can’t even think beyond today much less the future. This man was my everything for 17 years of my life. I’ve spent most of my adulthood with this man, good & bad. It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. I even had one relative to call under the pretense of checking on me but immediately asked if she could have my boyfriend’s truck for her son. As you can see, I don’t have anyone for support. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to get through this. Suicide is not an option but living doesn’t seem like one either. Like someone’s post said, it’s not that I want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain. Everything is a constant reminder of him. I’m angry that he left me behind. And I’m just angry about all the things that we won’t get to do now that he’s gone. We were supposed to get married finally & travel around the country in an RV. He wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. Sorry that I’m all over the place. I appreciate being able to rant to you guys. It helps a lot to read everyone’s posts & know that I’m not alone in this grieving process. I’m not looking forward to getting through another week. But time moves on no matter what. Sending love to everyone in this group that’s struggling as well to cope. I truly know how you feel. I’m sure that I’ll be posting again soon. Take care!

I sure do get all you have shared in your post. I have decent enough (I won't say "good" because none seem anywhere near as good as they used to be) days but I always feel her absence in the shadows. No matter if something really special happens, she is not here to share it with.

I don't have a great answer as to how to get on with our lives. I just take one day at a time and try to be positive and mostly keep my grief to myself.

Except for coming here, I just feel more alone if I say anything, even to a few close support friends.

Today was a day of busyness with a new puppy that I found in the road last week and I had moments of laughter and joy. But then it all brought back memories of our new pups together 20 years ago and I just felt empty again because she is not here to enjoy this pup with me.

I am 10 months out from a 28 year relationship and just see myself on the short run to homeplate here.

It is just me and I guess if I have one moment of peace and joy then that is a good thing. I try to keep busy and not feel sorry for myself but it is a daily struggle.

I guess just us knowing we are not alone is a positive. 

Most days I feel totally alone and if it weren't for my dogs I would have ended it 10 months ago.

Love,

Lily Bell

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Posted
18 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

Hey everyone. Hope that you all are doing okay. I just needed to talk. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my boyfriend’s death & I’m really struggling to get through this. Yesterday was especially difficult. I guess that the reality that he’s not coming back is really hitting me hard. I can’t seem to function. My depression is getting worse & I just don’t know what to do. I spend most days in a daze & alternating between crying spells & anger. I know that this is normal & part of the grieving process but I’m just exhausted. I don’t sleep very well & don’t have much of an appetite. There’s no joy in anything anymore. Things that I used to love doing like reading or watching a good movie, holds no interest to me anymore. Like I said in my first post, I’m no stranger to death or grieving but this feels like the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. By the age of 25, I’d lost both of my parents and a ton of other relatives. By 30, I’d suffered 2 miscarriages. All of those losses were difficult to get through but I had my boyfriend there to be my support system. Now at almost 40, I find myself alone & terrified of this new reality without him.

I had a few people tell me that I’m still young enough to start over & that he would want me to be happy. This pissed me off because I can’t even think beyond today much less the future. This man was my everything for 17 years of my life. I’ve spent most of my adulthood with this man, good & bad. It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. I even had one relative to call under the pretense of checking on me but immediately asked if she could have my boyfriend’s truck for her son. As you can see, I don’t have anyone for support. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to get through this. Suicide is not an option but living doesn’t seem like one either. Like someone’s post said, it’s not that I want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain. Everything is a constant reminder of him. I’m angry that he left me behind. And I’m just angry about all the things that we won’t get to do now that he’s gone. We were supposed to get married finally & travel around the country in an RV. He wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. Sorry that I’m all over the place. I appreciate being able to rant to you guys. It helps a lot to read everyone’s posts & know that I’m not alone in this grieving process. I’m not looking forward to getting through another week. But time moves on no matter what. Sending love to everyone in this group that’s struggling as well to cope. I truly know how you feel. I’m sure that I’ll be posting again soon. Take care!

Everything you are experiencing, depressive symptoms, lack of sleep, exhaustion, lack of interest in the things you used to enjoy, all of it is what we experience in grief, so we can relate to what you're feeling, been there, many here are there still!  I turned off my t.v. cable and didn't reconnect it for five years!  I didn't read a book for enjoyment for ten years, and I'd always loved reading.  Hobbies fall by the way.

I encourage you to see your doctor and talk with him about your lack of sleep.  Be candid with him about what you're going through.  Doctors aren't trained in grief so it will also be of help to see a professional grief counselor.  Grief support groups can be of help but don't fill the same thing as seeing a grief counselor, although a good support group will be helpful too.

I'm glad you're able to be candid and express yourself and do hope you'll continue to do so...it really does help to get it out with others that get it.

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Posted
Hey everyone. Hope that you all are doing okay. I just needed to talk. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my boyfriend’s death & I’m really struggling to get through this. Yesterday was especially difficult. I guess that the reality that he’s not coming back is really hitting me hard. I can’t seem to function. My depression is getting worse & I just don’t know what to do. I spend most days in a daze & alternating between crying spells & anger. I know that this is normal & part of the grieving process but I’m just exhausted. I don’t sleep very well & don’t have much of an appetite. There’s no joy in anything anymore. Things that I used to love doing like reading or watching a good movie, holds no interest to me anymore. Like I said in my first post, I’m no stranger to death or grieving but this feels like the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. By the age of 25, I’d lost both of my parents and a ton of other relatives. By 30, I’d suffered 2 miscarriages. All of those losses were difficult to get through but I had my boyfriend there to be my support system. Now at almost 40, I find myself alone & terrified of this new reality without him.
I had a few people tell me that I’m still young enough to start over & that he would want me to be happy. This pissed me off because I can’t even think beyond today much less the future. This man was my everything for 17 years of my life. I’ve spent most of my adulthood with this man, good & bad. It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. I even had one relative to call under the pretense of checking on me but immediately asked if she could have my boyfriend’s truck for her son. As you can see, I don’t have anyone for support. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to get through this. Suicide is not an option but living doesn’t seem like one either. Like someone’s post said, it’s not that I want to die, I just don’t want to live with this pain. Everything is a constant reminder of him. I’m angry that he left me behind. And I’m just angry about all the things that we won’t get to do now that he’s gone. We were supposed to get married finally & travel around the country in an RV. He wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. Sorry that I’m all over the place. I appreciate being able to rant to you guys. It helps a lot to read everyone’s posts & know that I’m not alone in this grieving process. I’m not looking forward to getting through another week. But time moves on no matter what. Sending love to everyone in this group that’s struggling as well to cope. I truly know how you feel. I’m sure that I’ll be posting again soon. Take care!
I'm also at 2 months,and yup,don't sleep hardly and lots of brain fog.No support at all but here.My husband's friend who worked with him was offered first choice of my husband's tools and he took 4500 worth and never offered me any money knowing I am in desperate need then had the nerve to text me and ask if he could have more!!People don't think at all.my love,the only way I get through is this day only if I can only sit and cry that's what I do if I can do more then I allow myself some pride that I got something done.We are all here for each other.
My heart to you

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Posted
20 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

My husband's friend who worked with him was offered first choice of my husband's tools and he took 4500 worth and never offered me any money knowing I am in desperate need then had the nerve to text me and ask if he could have more!!

My husband wasn't even cold when his "friend" came to the hospital with his wife** and announced George told him he could have his car!  I told him, "It's too bad George didn't remember he had car payments and that I'd have to sell the car to pay them off!"  His wife went off to "visit" George's body and came back and announced she'd kissed him!  (his dead body)  What the ___!!  You think you've seen it all but people amaze you.

**Note he didn't make it to the hospital while George was alive, but not until he'd passed away.

Billie Rae, I wish his "friend" had been more caring towards you.  I pray you get new friends, so much better than the old ones.  Here the people are the best, I wish we all lived down the street from each other!

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Posted

@Kayc yes it's amazing how people you thought you could trust and depend on turn out to be total shits(pardon the word)and new people step up.Our friend,a cashier at the store was crying with me the whole time he was sick and now she goes out of her way to avoid me but people I just met selling his things have stepped up for me.Its sad because I'm learning not to trust anymore.
Here is the only photo of us together.(I'm the redhead)he was camera shy and would always duck when pictures were taken.FB_IMG_1553004560637.jpeg

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Posted

@Billie Rae  That is such a nice picture.  You mustve been a really cute couple..thankyou so much for sharing that.  I don't "get" people either, so many are just out for themselves. Thankfully there are enough of the "good" ones to make up for the others. Love to all.

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Posted

That is a great picture!  Here is a picture of us on our wedding day.  I look eons older now, I wish I had more of just him alone because I don't like pictures of me, but it's nice seeing us together because you can see the love we had for each other.

 

Your husband's very handsome, and I love your red hair!  Mine's silver/white now in front.

George & Kay Wedding.jpg

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Posted

@Jes thank you.Charlie was a very handsome Norwegian,here he is about 30 lbs overweight(he loved my cooking)@Kayc I absolutely LOVE that picture,the way you both look,like love itself.I can tell by this that you were the world to each other

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Posted

@KayC What a lovely picture, you look so happy and in love. Thankyou for sharing...  @ billie rae. Yes yyour Charlie was very handsome and you are quite pretty yourself. Also love the red hair. @all. Is nice to have the pics and a face to picture when we are all talking.  Hope to figure out how to do one soon. Love ya all.

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jessekugelman
Posted

I understand exactly how u feel and im in the same place myself i lost my wife jan 15, 2019 and we had been together for 20 years in april i will be fine one moment and the next i wont either angry for her leaving crying that shes gone ill see a family or couple doing something and remember times that we shared or cry that we wont be able to share those things or that she wont be there for any of our 2 girls accomplishments i lost my dad when i was 18 and my mom was diagnosed with cancer so i had to become the adult early and raise my 2 sisters whom turned out to be great but my wife (girlfriend at the time was there to support me and help me out) knowing that you are not alone in this and there are others that are going through similar situations is comforting and helpful this is only my second post i only found this site last weekend but i have read many of these stories most of them in tears as i have realized these people have the same pain and greif. i too dont want to live but dying isnt an option and its is out of fear of the unknown future and i am pissed that i wont be able to fulfill the dreams i shared with my wife we had some ruff times over the years of our marriage but we were in a great point where things were going so well and more dreams were coming in reach sorry for the loss of your boyfriend 17  years is a long time especially when you started out at a young age my wife had just turned 35 2 days before christmas and im going on 38 in may so my entire adulthood i had been with her. its going to be a tough road but know we are here for you to cry talk yell at as we to do the same

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Posted

@KayC  You are beautiful in your wedding picture.  You're right that the love you share for each other is part of it.  The other part is that you are simply a beautiful person inside and out.  And let me tell you something:  Just because you are older and no doubt look it--as do we all--that doesn't mean you are not still beautiful.

I'm 5'3" and my husband was 6' tall.  I loved being able to rest my head on his shoulder and he loved being able to tuck me under his chin.  I completely understand why George called you his "little one" as a term of sweet endearment.

@Billie Rae  What a handsome couple and such a lovely picture.  Yes, those Norwegians can be so handsome.  I lived in Norway as an exchange student and visited later as an adult with my husband and mom.  My exchange family and the people I met were lovely inside and out.  We found out later that my tall, blond, lanky husband's surname has both Swiss, which we knew, and Scandinavian roots.  It was freaky to see crypts in Denmark and Norway with his surname, spelled the same way and everything.  I asked my Norwegian sister about it and she said that sure, she knew that name and they pronounced it the same way.  His other half was of Irish heritage, so he was a wonderful mix indeed.  And, yeah, when we cook for the men we love, they do tend to put on a pound or two (or 20 in my hubby's case) over time.

Here is what I thought when I first looked at your picture:  That is a woman I would love to meet.  And okay, I envy your beautiful hair.  Simply gorgeous and such a wonderful smile.  I'm so sorry that Charlie's so called friend abused you in that way and that people who you thought cared avoid you now.  It's as if they think we're contagious or something.  I do not understand the kind of person who would hurt you or take such advantage at your most vulnerable time.

@LostGirl39  I have to admit I've had a few truly deeply dark depressing days myself this week.  (Oh Lord, there I go with alliteration...)  I could not stop crying yesterday and the day before.  Everything set me off from worrying about whether he's okay now, out of pain and no longer scared or confused, to feeling guilt that I wasn't a better person and better wife, to wishing he was here with me in our little house together, to wearing his shirt for comfort.  I asked myself why things hit me so much harder just now and the answer is that I don't know.  My grief is my constant companion, but I've had days--one at a time, even hours at a time--of being able to look out and step into a bit of light, not happiness or joy, but not the overwhelming pain and despair that lives with and haunts me.  Maybe it's partly the change of season and thinking about all the things we'd be doing together.  We loved the spring and the joy of being outside making our own little world more beautiful and welcoming.

Yesterday, a neighbor who is a friend had a horrible day for a number of reasons.  She was apologetic, but she asked me to be there to help her through it, so I and a few others of our neighbor-friends did just that.  It took me out of myself for a few hours.  My other friend who was there called last night and one of the things she said was that she marveled that I was brave enough to be there for someone else just now.  I pointed out that she did the same thing:  Dropping what she was doing to go help a neighbor who needed her.  "That's true," she said, "But I was only working on everyday stuff.  You're dealing with the worst possible grief and pain."  I'm realizing that we are lucky in our small group of neighbors, who have all realized that life is both fragile and precious, so we shouldn't waste it.

You're right that your love wasn't supposed to be taken away from you.  And you need not apologize, certainly not to us, for your thoughts and emotions being all over the place.  Who could understand the need to vent and cry and question more than we could?  Everything you wrote is so familiar to me, from not sleeping well to not finding joy in the things you used to love and to being terrified of the future.

I urge you to talk to your doctor about your insomnia.  I'm dealing with that as well and probably will for a long time.  My doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me to take when I get overwhelmed, but also to help me sleep.  I can't say it's "solved" things, but I am now able to sleep 4 or 5 hours straight most nights.  I'm still exhausted a good deal of the time, but I'm able to focus somewhat better.  My doctor also had me increase one of my auto-immune medications from half dose to the full clinical level because its primary use is as an anti-depressant.  I think it may be helping to level out my more extreme days because they're there, but not quite as much. 

As a person with long-term medical conditions, I accept that sometimes medication is the right choice.  For example, I don't love taking my pain meds, but I stopped fighting against them years ago.  As my doctor says, "I prescribe these for you for a reason.  I want you to use them when you need them.  Trying to tough it out makes things worse in the long run."  I think the same thing could be said for those of us suffering the depression of extreme grief.  There's no shame in admitting you need some help.  It doesn't mean you'll need it forever, but it may help right now and in the near future.  And frankly, "right now" is hard enough for most of us to deal with.  Please don't try to be stoic about this.  We may have been strong men and women, and may even be strong again some day, but we have had our lives and hearts shattered into little pieces.  We cannot expect to be whole or strong and no one else should expect that of us either.

I'm sending you my biggest virtual hugs and will be thinking of you today.

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Posted
1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I urge you to talk to your doctor about your insomnia.

Me too!  I made the mistake of trying to tough it out, but I'm afraid that just made it harder on myself than it needed to be.  I encourage you to talk with your doctor, we do get more used to everything eventually but it can take years before that happens and meanwhile it's darn hard to function without sleep!

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Posted

I lost my wife Tuesday. I came home from work and found her on the couch. They say a heart attack and that she had had at least 2 previous heart attacks. We have been together just short of 20 years and I thought I knew everything about her, but I didn't know she had a bad heart. 

 I found out quickly the same as you about people wanting to try to get her "things " we haven't even had her funeral yet  

 I also dont want to die, but also dont know how to live without her. I just want to be with her. 

 She was just 39 years old and although I was the one to take care of her .I now realize I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. 

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Posted
58 minutes ago, boesep01 said:

I now realize I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. 

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you lost your beloved wife, but I am glad you found your way here.  It took me 5 long months of floundering around bereft and hopeless before I reached out.  The members here have been incredibly understanding and helpful.  It's truly amazing how many of our experiences are so similar.

I wanted to tell you that none of us are as strong as we were.  Your life and heart have been shattered.  You cannot expect to be strong right now.  I hope you understand that grieving deeply, feeling uncertain and hopeless about the future are normal reactions, universal really, when we've lost our soulmates.  Admitting this does not make you weak. 

All you can expect yourself to do is get through each day, sometimes each hour, at a time.  I've found that it is best not to look too far to the future just now because I start to panic at the thought of so many years without my love.  One of the things that is hardest is figuring out how to live the life I have now.  I see it as learning to live with my grief without letting that grief drag me down into the darkness permanently.  There's no "getting over" or "picking up the pieces" or any other cliche when it comes to losing half of my life, heart, and soul.  He will be with me every minute of every day for the rest of my life.

The behavior of some people still shocks me, though I know it shouldn't.  You haven't even had your wife's funeral and people are already coming at you like vultures.  That is sickening.  This is the one area where I suggest you try to harness your limited energy and strength.  Tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be dealing with anything like that now and that when you do, it will be on your terms, not theirs.  I don't care whether it's family members, friends, or people you don't even know, I hope you've been telling them to back off!

I hope you are able to find a little bit of comfort here with us.

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Posted
I lost my wife Tuesday. I came home from work and found her on the couch. They say a heart attack and that she had had at least 2 previous heart attacks. We have been together just short of 20 years and I thought I knew everything about her, but I didn't know she had a bad heart. 
 I found out quickly the same as you about people wanting to try to get her "things " we haven't even had her funeral yet  
 I also dont want to die, but also dont know how to live without her. I just want to be with her. 
 She was just 39 years old and although I was the one to take care of her .I now realize I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. 
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here with us.Do not let anyone bully you to get her things.They are now YOUR things and she has not been gone long enough for you to be able to part with anything.This is your grief and yours alone,yes others may grieve but noteven close to the way you will.Ialso am glad you found this site we have all lost the person who was the closest one to us so we get it.We are all in different time and circumstances so you will hear many different views but we share the same feelings(or not)but we don't judge or criticize.
My heart to you

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Posted

Thank you both!

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Posted

@boesep01  I am so sorry for your loss of your wife.  Please keep coming here, to vent, talk about her, or just to have people to share your feelings with, it helps so much and there are wonderful people ( friends) here that do understand and have much insight.  I'm at 6 months and still have all my husbands things, and I'm still not ready to give them up. It seems a lot of us have experience with others asking for their "things", I just said " I'm not ready to give up anything of his at this time. " Worst part was they were his children and hadn't talked to him in years.  I haven't heard a word from them since.  Everyone else understands.  Right now is time to take care of you, as much as you can. I know it's a difficult thing to do, especially so new in your loss, and I hope you do have some family or friends that you can lean on. This is a tough journey,  toughest one we may ever go through because we love them so much.  You are not alone...someone will always be here for you. Thinking of you, but also am so sad that you've lost your love and need to be here with us.

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Posted

@jessekugelman  I am also so sorry for loss of your wife also. You are very new in your grief, it's normal ( for us in this situation) to feel the way you do, the crying, anger, etc. We all seem to go through much of the same feelings and have no control of them from one minute to the next.  And yet you are here, in your own grief,  trying to help others. It says so much about the caring people on this forum.  I hope you continue to post, talk, share, vent.   We will all be here for you also.  Thinking of you and wishing you a little peace.

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Posted
7 hours ago, boesep01 said:

I lost my wife Tuesday. I came home from work and found her on the couch. They say a heart attack and that she had had at least 2 previous heart attacks. We have been together just short of 20 years and I thought I knew everything about her, but I didn't know she had a bad heart. 

 I found out quickly the same as you about people wanting to try to get her "things " we haven't even had her funeral yet  

 I also dont want to die, but also dont know how to live without her. I just want to be with her. 

 She was just 39 years old and although I was the one to take care of her .I now realize I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. 

Welcome!  You have found a caring place to be, it helps to have people who "get it" and understand, a place to voice yourself.

I think that all of us feel that way (not as strong as they think), this was the hardest hitting thing I've ever traversed.  I'm so sorry, that is so young to die, it's not fair.  I also had people grubbing for George's things, more than annoying!

I wrote this article at about ten years out, I hope something in it will be of help to you!  It's a little soon to be able to take in information as you're probably still in shock, but maybe you could print it out and read it every few months, different things hit you the further you go on your journey.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Members
Posted

I just realized that I must be luckier than most.  No one in my life has asked for any of my husband's things. 

Well, except our daughter asking if she could please have some of her dad's hoodies, sweaters, etc. that she loved.  I sent those after several weeks as soon as I was emotionally able.  I also found lots of things she'd made for her daddy through the years.  I sent her things I knew she would treasure just because they were his.  That actually made me feel good, so it was beneficial all around.

Of course, I've kept my favorites of his sweaters, shirts, and hoodies as my own.  I sent our granddaughter the fleece jacket he always wore specifically so he could wrap it around her when she'd say "Grandpa, I'm cold." on our little adventures.  She loves it and says it's like a "grandpa hug" when she's upset.

I have done some clearing and donations, but most of his things are still here and many are exactly where they were. 

Yes, I'm definitely blessed not to have to deal with vultures like so many of you have.

  • Members
Posted
On 3/17/2019 at 5:39 PM, LostGirl39 said:

Everything is a constant reminder of him. I’m angry that he left me behind. And I’m just angry about all the things that we won’t get to do now that he’s gone. We were supposed to get married finally & travel around the country in an RV. He wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. 

I live in constant reminder of my love too and am angry at him for leaving me and our future. We had similar plans to have a home base and travel in a camper.  Marriage was in our future. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier to start fresh somewhere completely new then to live with the pain of all the reminders. But I cant bear to let go of what we had together or imagine ever sharing it with anyone else. I cant live with the pain but also dont want to be happy if its without him. I relate to all you said. Hugs C

  • Moderators
Posted

At some point in my early grief I remember reading a great article about giving ourselves permission to smile...it really helped me and I've kicked myself so many times for not having saved that article.  Here are some along those lines:
http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/#.XJf9QVVKi70
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/06/voices-of-experience-learning-to-be.html

I know it's easy to feel we're betraying them if we smile but the truth is, we're not...it's to be coveted and it can take a while to reach that point...the thing I try to keep in mind is that it is not my grief that binds me to him, it is our love, and that continues still.  I also know they would likely want us to be happy but that's a tall order in early grief, it really is...my George would also understand that and know I'm doing my best, and the thing I could always count on him for is he always understood me, so happy or sad, he'd understand right where I'm at.

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