Members ccoflove Posted March 15, 2019 Members Report Posted March 15, 2019 Hi my fellow greiving friends, you havent met me but i have gotten to know your stories as ive been coming here the past few months reading my own feelings put into words better than i could express myself. I lost my love, Chris, Nov. 3rd, 2018. He left early that morning to go to a meeting but never made it home. He had a car accident, went off the road and hit a tree on the way home. A big part of me died that day too and it has been the hardest pain and struggle Ive ever been through learning to slowly accept this reality. Normally i would have gone with him to that meeting but decided not to go. I imagine all the scenarios, a million ways it could have gone differently and he would still be here. I think about that last night in bed our hands clasped together and the tight squeeze he gave me before we drifted off to sleep is the last touch of his i will ever have. We had a fight earlier in the week but had made up a few days before with a tender embrace and told each other I love you. That was our goodbye though i didnt know it at the time. I long for his touch, to look into his bright eyes, his smile, his laugh, the off beat funny things he would say. He brought so much joy and happiness into my life. I did not know the depths of my love until he left. I didnt know how much pain and sorrow my heart could feel. Every part of him is branded in my minds eye, but makes the longing worse. I have started to have some ok days that havent begun with tears the past couple of weeks or so. At 1st i didnt want to even let go of the pain, it comforted me to feel the intensity of love but then when overcome in its grips felt like too much to bear. The good days have given me hope for living the rest of my life (im 42) but waves still hit me hard by surprise. The weekends are the hardest, we both had 3 day weekends and saw little of each other during the work week. There are the smallest reminders everywhere of his absence like getting a new phone and knowing Id never get a text or call from him on it that creep up as you continue to live. I want to save everything that is a reminder of our life together even if its bittersweet. I still bargain as if I could trade something with God to have him back. I have become very interested in the afterlife and NDE as I need to feel hope that we will be reunited. I know Chris would want me to find joy in the rest of my time here. He faced many traumas throughout his own life but remained joyful and optimistic through it all and is a role model for finding my own strength to go on. It was such a beautiful Fall day our last day together. The trees were at their peak color, i went for a walk and was taking pics in awe of the colors. The clocks went back the day after he passed and it got cold, grey and bleak. Those trees went bare quickly short after. I have made it through the winter (and Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years!) and to the other side of the time change to Spring. I am grateful i had the quite of winter to reflect and rest and think of all the decisions that are coming even though i dont feel much closer to knowing where to go from here or what i want. Mainly i just wanted to share that i am here with you all grieving and understand what you are going through. It has been a great comfort to know i am not alone with these feelings. I hope maybe by sharing my story I can comfort another as you have me. Love and peace
Members ForgetMeNot150 Posted March 15, 2019 Members Report Posted March 15, 2019 @ccoflove 1 hour ago, ccoflove said: reading my own feelings put into words better than i could express myself. I think you have expressed yourself beautifully and your words are so descriptive and heartfelt and I can relate to so much of what you say. Thank you for sharing. xxx
Members Billie Rae Posted March 16, 2019 Members Report Posted March 16, 2019 @ccoflove I'm so sorry you are having to find yourself here with us but as you have seen we are all in this together.I often get home from work to my empty house and yell,okay Charlie,that's enough come home now!This shock and disbelief seems to follow us in the first months and I'm sure it Must be double when it was so sudden,I watched my husband dying for 3 months so I had time to grieve with him and tell him what he meant to me.It still was a shock because my head new he was dying but my heart didn't believe it.You say you don't know what to do next,just go one day at a Time and it will work itself out.My heart to youBillieSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
Moderators KayC Posted March 16, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 16, 2019 I am so sorry for your loss, we didn't meet until our mid forties and he was barely 51 when he died, way too soon...no matter our age, all of us feel it was way too soon. We never expected this. One day at a time is the best piece of advice I ever got. If you've been reading here you may have already seen my article but I'll list it anyway in case you haven't, I hope something in it is helpful to you. I have died and been brought back twice in my life, once in my 30s when my kids were young, they were watching, I was above, watching them work on my body and I thought I can't leave my kids, even though it felt alluring to go, so I went back. The next time in my 60s, I had an operation and they lost me, they gave compressions to the chest that restarted my heart but it kept stopping over the next two hours and they'd yell at me to breathe! It felt alluring to go, I wanted to, but then I pictured my dog and cat all alone wondering where mommy was, so I made great effort to breathe and made it through. I only know that beyond this is peace and it's good, there IS something beyond just this here and we continue to live, our spirits, this is not the end. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
Members JES Posted March 16, 2019 Members Report Posted March 16, 2019 I am so sorry for your sudden loss, how hard that must be. I am at almost 6 months and as my husband had been slowly going downhill I was grieving already knowing what was coming, but I did have some comfort in that we could ( kinda) say our goodbyes. So I can only imagine your shock at the suddenness. I did find also that the crying became less/ or less often and that seemed to be the beginning of the grief lessening for me. I wasn't even able to post until 4 months but like you, had been reading others posts. I still haven't removed his items, ( only to dust under) his chairside table stays the same, his moneyclip still has his money in it, etc., etc. I am in no hurry, gives me comfort to see his things. I still take it one day at a time, somedays are better, some are not, seems to all be a part of this journey. I do have more hope now for my future, although I try not to look far ahead. And yes, little rays of sunshine do creep in at times. I wish you the best in getting through the tough times and know we are thinking of you, as we are all in this painful journey together.
Members ccoflove Posted March 16, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 16, 2019 Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and sharing your experiences. I am so thankful to have found this forum. Though our stories differ the loss we feel is shared and difficult all the same. Like the quote.. "Shared pain is half the pain." Chris was 22 years older than me so I had thought about one day his health going and how difficult caretaking would be or losing him long before me but you love who you love and take one day at a time. I know all too well now how the best layed plans can change in an instant. Taking care of our dog is what gets me out of bed in the mornings and out for a walk. Some days i dont want to live without him and being alone is so hard but no one could ever take his place in my heart. We spent all our free time together so I dont have many friends. @KayC Your tips are a great resource. Thanks for sharing your 2 NDEs, thats incrediable to have 1st hand experience of that! You are filling a need here helping others, Im glad you came back. Thank you for your prayers. You all are in mine as well. Love and hugs to you all. Caroline
Members foreverhis Posted March 17, 2019 Members Report Posted March 17, 2019 @ccoflove I must echo others and say that you expressed yourself beautifully. Please don't sell yourself short about that. I'm so sorry you are going through this horrible, seemingly impossible loss. One thing I want to mention is that the "What if?" and "Why did/didn't I?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." that you are experiencing seems universal. I do it all the time, almost every day. We are the ones still here, so we are the ones who take all the weight on ourselves. I can go back decades in my mind and think of every little thing along the way that might have made a difference. I'm really good at going over and over and over decisions, and then assuming that I am at fault. I'm great at piling guilt on myself. Rationally, I know that's pretty nutty, but my busy, busy brain just won't shut the heck up most times. You could not have known and could never have foreseen what that day would bring. You are in NO way to blame. All we can do is live each day the best we can, both before and now. You may not believe it just yet, but your last time together was a moment of grace for you both. It was full of tenderness and your last words to each other were the most beautiful words in the world. On 3/15/2019 at 12:30 PM, ccoflove said: I still bargain as if I could trade something with God to have him back. Me too. As my love's condition got worse, I kept trying to bargain for his health. I would have given anything and everything to have him get well, not just for myself, but for his sake too. I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way. We want to change our reality because where we are now is so unbearably painful so much of the time. I'm glad you felt able to tell your story and be here with us. I am certain that the only people who can understand what it's like to lose your soulmate are people who are going through it themselves. Being here has been incredibly helpful for me. I hope you find some help and comfort here as well.
Moderators KayC Posted March 17, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 17, 2019 Caroline, My other name is Carolyn, so named for my father, whose middle name was Carroll, but they intended on calling me Kay, my other name...hence the KayC. So we are close name sakes! I agree with foreverhis, you expressed yourself beautifully...there is something about this "grief family", we get each other, it's a bond we share...one we wish we didn't have though.
Members Pim Posted March 17, 2019 Members Report Posted March 17, 2019 Dear Caroline, everything you write is so familiar to me and I guess to many of the wonderful people here on this forum. So sorry you have to experience it. On 3/15/2019 at 8:30 PM, ccoflove said: I have become very interested in the afterlife and NDE as I need to feel hope that we will be reunited. I know Chris would want me to find joy in the rest of my time here. He faced many traumas throughout his own life but remained joyful and optimistic through it all and is a role model for finding my own strength to go on. I have explored this subject as well. I intend to post an overview of what I researched on this sometime in the future. And what I make of it. Let's say I cannot believe everything we do here is just in vain. All the best, Pim
Members Sunflower2 Posted March 17, 2019 Members Report Posted March 17, 2019 @ccoflove a beautiful and inspiring share of your raw emotions. Tender thoughts and comfort are with you!
Members ccoflove Posted March 18, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 18, 2019 19 hours ago, foreverhis said: I'm really good at going over and over and over decisions, and then assuming that I am at fault. I'm great at piling guilt on myself. Rationally, I know that's pretty nutty, but my busy, busy brain just won't shut the heck up most times. You could not have known and could never have foreseen what that day would bring. You are in NO way to blame. All we can do is live each day the best we can, both before and now. That was one of the hardest things for a while was struggling with guilt and regret. I know I would do anything in my power to save him if I could and have him here with me. It doesnt serve me to blame myself.
Moderators KayC Posted March 18, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 18, 2019 Speaking of NDE, I bought this book years ago by Betty Malz dealing with her experience, it was amazing!https://www.amazon.com/My-Glimpse-Eternity-Betty-Malz/dp/0800790669
Members SSC Posted March 19, 2019 Members Report Posted March 19, 2019 On 3/17/2019 at 3:39 PM, Pim said: have explored this subject as well. I intend to post an overview of what I researched on this sometime in the future. And what I make of it. Let's say I cannot believe everything we do here is just in vain. All the best, Pim I too am very interested in this subject. I’ve been reading many books about NDEs and find it has changed the way I feel about death. I find it very comforting. I’m looking forward to reading your point of view, Pim.
Members ccoflove Posted March 20, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 20, 2019 Thanks i will check out the book suggestion @KayC. I am finishing reading Proof of Heaven by neurosurgen Eben Alexander. I also want to read the classic Life after Life by Raymond Moody. I have Einsteins God from the library to read next. I have experienced what i believe are signs from the other side from my love letting me know he is still with me. I have dreamt of him a few times but he seems frustratingly remote and distant, while i am exuberantly happy to see him. I am thinking of trying a medium but nervous to. I should try meditating but find it extrememly difficult to calm my mind down and sit with myself for long. But i remain open to the possibilities beyond our limited senses.
Members foreverhis Posted March 20, 2019 Members Report Posted March 20, 2019 3 hours ago, ccoflove said: I have experienced what i believe are signs from the other side from my love letting me know he is still with me. I have dreamt of him a few times but he seems frustratingly remote and distant, while i am exuberantly happy to see him. I too have had signs that I believe are from my love. Well, actually, I think one was from our beloved tabby Persian letting me know that when I told my love toward the very end that it was okay and to go find her and our wonderful Keeshond, they were waiting for him. She was his little furry baby girl, so I know if she was there that he is okay. I have had only two memorable dreams of my husband since he died. Both were nightmares, which I've decided have more to do with my own insecurity, fear, and guilt than anything real coming from him. The distance you've experienced in your dreams seems perfectly reasonable to me. You are likely desperate for any contact, yet he is somewhere else and cannot come to your reality. Your mind and heart are searching for him. I'll admit I'm no expert on dreams and I have no experience with NDEs or anything related. My interpretation is just an expression of what I believe I have experienced.
Moderators KayC Posted March 20, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 20, 2019 It was a long time, about a year I think, before I dreamed of George. I have no idea why when we were so close and spent all our time together. I've accepted I can't control it and cherish seeing him again in my dreams, my last one was good except that the gov't would recognize he was alive, which was complicated. The signs I've received have been when I needed them most but again, I can't control when I get them. Maybe some people are better at this than I am!
Members kdavis1163 Posted March 22, 2019 Members Report Posted March 22, 2019 I too, lost my love on Nov. 3, 2018. My husband died from injuries sustained in a car wreck 8 days earlier. So sudden, so shocking. I know I was in shock for a full 3 months. And I may still be. I have had virtually no tears, until the last couple weeks. I hated myself for not being able to cry. I finally had to realize the tears will come, whenever my mind decides it can deal with this loss. I think that's part of the problem, is that this still does not seem real. I am at the point now, where all the people who said they'd "be there" for me, anytime day or night, well, those people are not there. Not at all. Their lives go on. Mine doesn't. And I'm so lonely. I am 55 and figure I might live 30 years more. That is an awful long time to be without my love. I look forward to nothing. Just suffering and being lonely till I finally bite the dust as well. I'm overwhelmed at all that I will have to face by myself. At this point, I can't even imagine that I'll be able to do yard work this year. Can't even think about it. It's too much. And I'm too by myself.
Moderators KayC Posted March 22, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 22, 2019 1 hour ago, kdavis1163 said: I too, lost my love on Nov. 3, 2018. My husband died from injuries sustained in a car wreck 8 days earlier. So sudden, so shocking. I know I was in shock for a full 3 months. And I may still be. I have had virtually no tears, until the last couple weeks. I hated myself for not being able to cry. I finally had to realize the tears will come, whenever my mind decides it can deal with this loss. I think that's part of the problem, is that this still does not seem real. I am at the point now, where all the people who said they'd "be there" for me, anytime day or night, well, those people are not there. Not at all. Their lives go on. Mine doesn't. And I'm so lonely. I am 55 and figure I might live 30 years more. That is an awful long time to be without my love. I look forward to nothing. Just suffering and being lonely till I finally bite the dust as well. I'm overwhelmed at all that I will have to face by myself. At this point, I can't even imagine that I'll be able to do yard work this year. Can't even think about it. It's too much. And I'm too by myself. I was 52 when my husband suddenly died, he had just turned 51 five days earlier. In my family they live well into their 90s so I figured I could have 40 years to do w/o him! It felt overwhelming and my anxiety was full bore...I have since learned to do a day at a time and try not to think about what might lie ahead for me. Growing old alone is no picnic. I turn 67 this year. You may have already seen it, but I wrote an article and hope something in it will be of help to you: TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
Members foreverhis Posted March 22, 2019 Members Report Posted March 22, 2019 3 hours ago, kdavis1163 said: I am at the point now, where all the people who said they'd "be there" for me, anytime day or night, well, those people are not there. Not at all. Their lives go on. Mine doesn't. And I'm so lonely. I am 55 and figure I might live 30 years more. That is an awful long time to be without my love. I look forward to nothing. I want to welcome you here and tell you that I and many of us could have, in fact actually have, written exactly what you expressed. I will never understand why some people behave the way they do. I've pondered this often. Maybe it's because our society is so bad, so careless at handling death and grieving. Maybe it's partly because in middle age as you and I are, we're a nasty reminder that "This could happen to you." Maybe it's because they don't know what to say, so they say nothing and vanish. Maybe it's because they figure their lives are so busy they don't have time for us, even though they promised they would. Maybe they're just selfish and uncaring. Or maybe it's a combination of many things. What I do know is that the very small circle of my husband's and my true friends and family is invaluable. I'm at a place where I've decided that if someone who claimed to care, who has been in our lives for years, can't be bothered with me, then I cannot let them hurt me further. What surprised me and others here, based on things they've written, is that after a time, people I didn't expect to step up and be there for me have done just that. Neighbors my husband and I knew very casually are the ones who are there for me now all the time. Yes, most of them kept a distance for a while, which was hurtful then. But OTOH, I was a virtual recluse for months, so it's not entirely on them. A few I have grown closer to recently admitted that they didn't handle my husband's death well for exactly some of the reasons I thought. They didn't know what to say and they're all in our age group, so they didn't want to be reminded that death waits for us all. They have made amends, which I am happy to accept because I know in the past that I may not have handled other people's grief as well as I could have. What matters is that they are here now, making a difference for me. Please know that when you are here, you are not and will never be alone.
Members Billie Rae Posted March 22, 2019 Members Report Posted March 22, 2019 Well said Foreverhis,@kdavis1163 all of our friends are gone now,not one phone call or text or reply to my text in3 weeks.But new people have entered my life.I'm 57 and sure I have much more ahead of me.My goal now is to learn to be comfortable with myself and not worry about being alone or not.I want to live the rest of my life in grace and peace(see Kayc my goal is to live in kindness as she does)My heart to youBillieSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
Members Barbara W Posted March 22, 2019 Members Report Posted March 22, 2019 ForeverHis, I believe you are likely old enough to be eligible to draw on your husband's Social Security. Even if you have your own Social Security and if you can afford to let it get bigger by delaying filing for your own, you can get half of his...unless you have already filed for your own. Just wanted to share that with you, as it may be helpful to you in planning for retirement income.
Moderators KayC Posted March 23, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 23, 2019 It's worth a call to the social security office, for sure! You're on the subject of people disappearing on you, I had that happen too. This article covers it... https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
Members foreverhis Posted March 23, 2019 Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 @Barbara W Thank you so much for thinking of my well being. What a wonderful community we have. It's good advice, though not the right thing for me for a number of reasons. I'm actually not quite old enough to file for spousal under my husband's retirement. I just turned 60 and you have to be 62. However, my situation is different. I am sorry to say I qualify for SSDI, though it took 2 years to get there, under my own work record. I'd really much rather have finished my career because my small retirement, my retirement savings, and my SSA retirement would have been significantly more. But it was not to be and I am thankful for the SSDI. I'd qualify for survivors benefits because of my disability, but until I'm full retirement age, it's only a percentage of my husband's. In fact, the SSA did a calculation to see which benefit is higher now (my own work record) and which higher at retirement (his full benefit). Since you can only receive one, they'll switch me to his somewhat higher amount when I reach full retirement age. (I've always thought it really sucks that we both worked and both paid FICA taxes for decades, but that the surviving spouse can only receive benefits on one of those sets of taxes. But that's another discussion.) My hubby had a moderate life insurance policy that I used to pay off our small mortgage and have some repairs/maintenance done to our home. I think I even have enough left over to buy a car built in this century. Ours are classics, but they're both from the 1980s! I think every surviving spouse should check with the SSA to see if he or she qualifies for any benefit. And you're absolutely right that a spouse who is still working should go ahead and file for the partial spousal benefit at 62. For those years he or she still works, the partial benefit could really make a difference. Frankly, I'd love to have the benefit from my own work and a partial from his. What a difference that would make over time. Also, any parent with children under the age of 19 should file with the SSA for survivor benefits for them. They only receive them until they graduate from high school or turn 19, but that extra money can really benefit a family's economic well being. Phew. Well, there's a long answer for you. And I thank you so much for bringing up such an important topic.
Members JES Posted March 23, 2019 Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 Calling social security is so important, even if you don't think your eligible. There is a small, think $255, death benefit to a wife/husband?? I took social security on my own work early, but when I talked to them they said I would get survivors benefits which was over $400 a month more, and back pay from the month I called. I lost a month because I didn't call right away. I didn't have a clue, I had only called about the death benefit. Any little extra helps when we are in this situation. Hope these pointers from all can help someone here.
Members JES Posted March 23, 2019 Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 The other thing I neglected to write which most people probably know, is to check on pension plans, 401k's from their work. They should have a beneficiary named just in case.
Members ccoflove Posted March 23, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 On 3/22/2019 at 10:32 AM, kdavis1163 said: I too, lost my love on Nov. 3, 2018. My husband died from injuries sustained in a car wreck 8 days earlier. So sudden, so shocking. I know I was in shock for a full 3 months. And I may still be. I have had virtually no tears, until the last couple weeks. I hated myself for not being able to cry. I finally had to realize the tears will come, whenever my mind decides it can deal with this loss. I think that's part of the problem, is that this still does not seem real. I am at the point now, where all the people who said they'd "be there" for me, anytime day or night, well, those people are not there. Not at all. Their lives go on. Mine doesn't. And I'm so lonely. I am 55 and figure I might live 30 years more. That is an awful long time to be without my love. I look forward to nothing. Just suffering and being lonely till I finally bite the dust as well. I'm overwhelmed at all that I will have to face by myself. At this point, I can't even imagine that I'll be able to do yard work this year. Can't even think about it. It's too much. And I'm too by myself. Im sorry we share that date as the day we lost our everything. The shock is unbelievable, I too still find it hard to comprehend how our lives together ended this way. I live in the present and past simultaniously as i am reminded of him in all the same places we were together. At 42 it is a such a long road ahead without him, i dont know how i will do it. I tell him a lot that i want him and our life back. I have lots of unresolved questions to what happened. I question if it was an accident at all based on his unusual behavior, anger towards me in the weeks leading up to it. He seemed like there was a knowing he was leaving. I thought he was breaking up with me and was defensive more than compassionate. I even said if you are going to break up with me just do it and stop threatening! Like i gave him permission to leave. He told me he could never get rid of me, so was this his way of pushing me away? Maybe he was trying to tell me as a call for help but I misread the signs. Then i get angry with myself an x feel so guilty. I will never know. It makes me angry that he would think i would be better off without him. Its also possible it was a medical issue of low blood sugar which he was struggling to keep under control. I should never have let him make that long drive by himself. Still I blame myself. I am overwhelmed with responsibilities now and dont have the energy to deal. We bought an affordable old home in a rural area 3 hours from where we live and work during the week. We were planning on living there full time in a few years when he reached full SS retirement age in 2 years. Now I have 100% of the bills that we shared and all the repairs he was great at doing. The job prospects arent too fullfilling near the house. He had wanted to marry me to give me his SS but I was too stubornly independent, though after 8 years I was coming around to the idea just hadnt. Now i wish i had, not for the benefits but the honor of being his wife and sharing his name. I was a fool. I still consider him my husband even without that piece of paper. He made us both rings out of the same piece of metal, we had inscribed CC of Love (for our name sakes and as a double entendre on Seas as we we met over our shared love of boats and the water). Family is pretty much who ive been able to count on and its a strain especially on my Mom to see me in such anguish, so i think i should pretend to be ok for her sake. People cant deal with greif and death very well. Thats why this place is so special.
Members SSC Posted March 23, 2019 Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 1 hour ago, ccoflove said: Family is pretty much who ive been able to count on and its a strain especially on my Mom to see me in such anguish, so i think i should pretend to be ok for her sake. People cant deal with greif and death very well. Thats why this place is so special I have found this to be true for most of the people I’m in contact with. If I touch on things, “I’m, just teary because I’m missing your dad”. That’s okay. But to go any deeper or darker, it’s just too much. I don’t blame people for being uncomfortable. It’s a very difficult situation to handle or know what to say. For me, I’d rather not “burden” people with my sadness. Its too involved and raw for my own self to cope with, let alone others. I do have to say that I am fortunate enough to see an amazing therapist who understands suicide grief. Many times I wonder what I will talk to her about before my appointment and five minutes into the session I’m expressing feelings I didn’t know I was dealing with. I also have a lot of family issues that I’m trying to deal with at the same time as grieving. She helps put those things into perspective for me. I agree. This place is special. I read other’s posts and know that I am not crazy, not alone in grief. There have been people on this forum whom I have connected with and I am very grateful for that. The kindness here has been invaluable to me. I come here most days to know I’m not alone, that others have loved and lost, to know as the world goes on around me my inner world of sadness can be recognized by others and not judged but understood. I thank you all for that.
Members ccoflove Posted March 23, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 23, 2019 @SSC i dont blame others for not knowing what to do or say, theres nothing that can be said or done to change things. Its just something you have to go through. I am grateful to have all of you to go through this journey with understanding too. I am considering seeing a therapist, i promised my sister i would even though im resistant to the idea for some reason i feel like it will be a waste of time and money to talk to a stranger who didnt know him or us. So im glad you say its been a help. 25 minutes ago, SSC said: I come here most days to know I’m not alone, that others have loved and lost, to know as the world goes on around me my inner world of sadness can be recognized by others and not judged but understood. I thank you all for that. Well said.
Members Fmf Posted March 24, 2019 Members Report Posted March 24, 2019 On 3/15/2019 at 3:30 PM, ccoflove said: I still bargain as if I could trade something with God to have him back. I am so sorry for your loss. I get this feeling completely I actually thought I had the trade, you see my dad died the night before my husband I thought ok God you took him, please leave my my husband (he was in the ICU at this point) but it was not meant to be. You described your last day together in such beautiful way and I hope that the image of that day keeps you going through the tough days. I try to pick a happy memory each day and keep that thought in my head as I go through the day, it has certainly brought me comfort. This site has also been great it makes you realize that you are truly never alone and that there are so many who understand you and are here to support you. On 3/15/2019 at 3:30 PM, ccoflove said: The good days have given me hope for living the rest of my life (im 42) but waves still hit me hard by surprise. Yea the good days are great then its like wham out of nowhere something will hit you. I think its hard to sometimes imagine the rest of our lives (I'm 49, with 2 teenage daughters)but I think just like you said he would want you to find joy in the rest of your time here. I think our loved ones will always be with us as we face each day whether they are good or we get hit by that wave. I like to think that when that wave hits we have our loved ones to help pull us up out of it by the love there had for us.
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