Members foreverhis Posted March 13, 2019 Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 Well, I decided to be really, really brave. I think I've mentioned that a neighbor who is a friend has been coming over once a week for wine, supper, and to watch a Canadian show we like. Her birthday was last week and I found out another new friend's birthday was a few days later. So I got together with a couple of neighbors who've been very helpful and understanding and we talked it over. I invited 10 people to our house for a small birthday gathering. These are the neighbors-casual friends who knew my husband and me as a couple , who know each other, and several of whom have really stepped up and been there for me. Every one of them volunteered to bring food or drinks, help move stuff, etc. I almost had more help than I could handle. We kept it super simple with no decorating or anything like that and disposable plates, etc. We started at 5:30 so it wouldn't run too long for me or too late for those few who had work the next day. (Several retirees.) I have to say it went pretty well and everyone had a great time. I had a decent, almost enjoyable, few hours. There was no real pressure or stress on me. As I expected, the hardest part was after everyone helped clean up and went home. All I could think was that my love should have been there enjoying the company of people we had been getting to know before he got sick. But I hope he would have been proud of me for stepping way, way out of my comfort zone. I won't do it again any time soon, but I made a little step into the light for a while and it was okay. I just thought you all should know because you're the only people who fully understand just how much effort it took and how brave I really was.
Members Fmf Posted March 13, 2019 Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 5 hours ago, foreverhis said: I made a little step into the light for a while and it was okay. @foreverhis At this point a little step is all you need. I'm sure he was proud of you. Its not easy stepping out of our comfort zone in general so to do it without him is truly a big victory. I stopped to read you post because your title caught my eye . I think its great that you realized just how brave your were and that its given you the confidence to hopefully realize that you can continue to be brave. I will be facing my own out of my comfort zone event in a week or so- attending a parent social at the college my daughter will be attending in the fall.It would be something my husband would totally fine with but I'm having anxiety just thinking about it, so thank you for sharing because you know what I will be brave too!
Members Sunflower2 Posted March 13, 2019 Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 6 hours ago, foreverhis said: I made a little step into the light Love this....Yes there is a light that does come through the cracks. Welcome it, receive it and marinate in it. Lightness and darkness are partners. We simply cannot have one without the other.
Members Billie Rae Posted March 13, 2019 Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 @Foreverhis That's Amazing that you could be so brave and find a few hours of light!Isn't it nice to have some normal human contact?we as a human need that connection to others and when we are not judged and can be comfortable it lets us know we are still a part of life.I know Kevin was so proud of you and is happy you saw some joy.Good for you.Love BillieSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
Moderators KayC Posted March 13, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 13, 2019 That is such a positive experience to share, I'm proud of you! I remember the first time I went out to eat by myself, I felt the same way, it was out of my comfort zone, but I believe that is something that stretches us and helps us in the long run...we know if/when we're ready. I'm glad a good time was had by all and I hope it was a good experience for you as well. And maybe, just maybe, he was there with you...and so proud of you!
Members Pim Posted March 13, 2019 Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 @foreverhis That is so brave that you did that! And I am really glad you had such a good time. I totally understand the hard part which was when everybody went home. But try to focus on what you ventured and that you did indeed have some real fun.
Members foreverhis Posted March 13, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 13, 2019 9 hours ago, Fmf said: I will be facing my own out of my comfort zone event in a week or so- attending a parent social at the college my daughter will be attending in the fall.It would be something my husband would totally fine with but I'm having anxiety just thinking about it, so thank you for sharing because you know what I will be brave too! Wow. What you will be doing is extremely brave. Seriously. It's so much more than inviting over 10 people who already know you and who will help make the event easier. And you won't be at home, so you won't be able to "escape" right afterward. I think you will be brave in part because we have little choice and in part because your daughter needs you to be. My husband and I used to love having friends over, hosting parties or casual gatherings, socializing and attending events. After we both developed unrelated and non-life threatening long-term medical conditions a number of years ago, we weren't able to have the active lives we had. We lost friends because of it, though the small circle we kept is priceless. We turned inward and relied on each other even more and were generally content that way. We also became reticent to reach out and risk rejection. Whenever we did host or attend a gathering, we had each other. For 35 years, he was my strong, supportive partner. I almost can't believe that I opened my mouth and offered to host the party without him. I've often asked my husband, "Put your hand on my shoulder, my love. I need your help." It doesn't matter if he hears me or if he's there to support me, though I hope that he is. It only matters that I feel stronger because of it. Take deep breaths, ask your love for help, and know that we are all here for you. If you watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, remember Susie and Midge's mantra right before Midge goes onstage. That always makes me smile.
Members JES Posted March 14, 2019 Members Report Posted March 14, 2019 @foreverhis I too, am happy for you, heck I'm very proud of you and I just feel your hubby was with you, cheering you on. What a great friend you are to do this! And very brave. You give all of us a little hope. Love and hugs.
Members foreverhis Posted March 14, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 14, 2019 Thank you, everyone. Your support and encouragement mean so much to me. I knew you all would understand in a way that my friends and family cannot. They try, but they know that they can't fully grasp the depth of my loss and grief or what it took for me to open up a bit. What a wonderful community we have here.
Members Pim Posted March 17, 2019 Members Report Posted March 17, 2019 It was a sunny afternoon and I went cycling (leisure, not racing) for an hour. A baby step too, but the first time I went cycling by myself. When the sun light filtered through the leaves of the trees, I thought how everything is really connected. And although I would have preferred Rob to be at my side, I could feel that there is more than we perceive, something bigger that encompasses us all.
Members foreverhis Posted March 18, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 18, 2019 @Pim What a wonderful picture. What a brave step you made going out on your own, doing something the two of you did together. Baby steps are all we can make, I think. When we make them, even if we step back afterward, we should be proud of ourselves. I believe you are right. There is something more, something we can neither know nor perceive on this earth, but that exists none the less. We can call it whatever we want, but I sometimes feel it there and hope so much that when it's my time that my love will be waiting for me with his heart and arms open.
Members Pim Posted March 18, 2019 Members Report Posted March 18, 2019 12 hours ago, foreverhis said: We can call it whatever we want, but I sometimes feel it there and hope so much that when it's my time that my love will be waiting for me with his heart and arms open. Please let it be so! Hugs, Pim
Moderators KayC Posted March 18, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 18, 2019 foreverhis, Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture! I'm glad you got out and did something for YOU. While we're on it, I want to share a picture with you of a place nearby (I didn't take the picture, I'm not a photographer!), it was taken by Jim Purscelley, a local.
Members foreverhis Posted March 18, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 18, 2019 Thank you, Kay, but it was actually Pim's picture. I was responding to and commenting on it. Isn't it beautiful? That he was able to step out bravely for a while and felt peaceful enough for a moment to capture that beauty is wonderful. Yours is breathtaking. It doesn't matter that you didn't take it. You're sharing something that inspires you. I feel I should recognize the place because it seems so familiar. I've spent a fair amount of time in the Cascades, the Sierras, and the Coastal ranges over my life, so I may have been there or it may simply remind me of other places. I have family in Oregon and my husband worked there right out of college, but we haven't visited in at least 10 years, except passing through by train. Both pictures remind us of the wonder in our world and that we should treasure it. They're also a reminder, I think, of the vast, unknowable universe that binds us all together.
Members Pim Posted March 18, 2019 Members Report Posted March 18, 2019 Kay, your picture is absolutely breathtaking! What a blessed spot of the world you live in. Just as it is for foreverhis, your picture is familiar to me too. Although I have never been to Oregon (would love to however) this is because of the colours: in New Zealand, where Rob's mother lives, there is this part of the country called Otago. What always struck me in Otago are the deep brown colours of the dry landscape and the deep blue colour of the water. So Oregon is a bit like Otago :-) I like foreverhis' statement about the unknowable universe! The beauty of it all, despite the bad things, that is what really keeps me going. That, and my friends' support, both in the real world and online.
Members foreverhis Posted March 19, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 19, 2019 @Pim My mother traveled almost literally up to the day she died. One of her long trips (5 weeks) was with a group to New Zealand. We teased her that in so many of the pictures we've seen, New Zealand looks a whole lot like the United States west coast. Plus I lived in Norway as an exchange student and then spent 5 weeks there with my husband and mom about 15 years ago, so I've "been there, seen that" when it comes to fjords. Well, she came back absolutely in love with New Zealand. She said that yes, there is much that is similar to our west coast and yes, the fjords are similar too. But she found Dunedin and the area around Queenstown and Alexandra to be incredibly special. Judging by her pictures, I'd have to agree that the entire region is spectacular.
Members Pim Posted March 19, 2019 Members Report Posted March 19, 2019 @foreverhis Thanks for that short story about you mom, I loved it!
Moderators KayC Posted March 19, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 19, 2019 I live further up the highway in the mountains with lots of tall evergreens and a creek in my back yard, so it doesn't look like this, but I pass by this when I go out of town, my friend lives right next door to this lake, it's flatter there but also tall evergreens. The person that took it has his name on the picture and he has a shop in Springfield OR where he sells his work, I may have to stop in sometime and see it!
Moderators KayC Posted March 19, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 19, 2019 Pim, I apologize for my mistake, I thought foreverhis was posting her picture, not realizing it was you that originally posted it, amazing and breathtakingly beautiful!
Members Pim Posted March 19, 2019 Members Report Posted March 19, 2019 That's quite all right, Kay. By the way I don't think my picture is even remotely as beautiful and as colourful as the one taken by Jim. But it is a fair representation of what my country looks like. And in a way this somewhat inhibited lighting, as I call it, appeals to me. It has a certain dramatic, or melancholic, quality of its own.
Members foreverhis Posted March 19, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 19, 2019 @Pim May I tell you why I think your picture is as beautiful as Kay's? It is because you stepped out bravely on your own, doing something you used to do together. I really believe that the fact you were able to pause for a time to take in the beauty and then capture it even in the midst of your grief is a testament to the love you feel and the wonder you can still believe in. It may not be as colorful, but it is as beautiful in its melancholy, haunting feeling.
Moderators KayC Posted March 20, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 20, 2019 And for what it's worth I don't know how Jim got the colors so vivid, I've never seen it look like that, must be a photography trick! I love your picture just as much, it looks like a place I'd like to be! I love nature!
Members foreverhis Posted March 20, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 20, 2019 3 hours ago, KayC said: And for what it's worth I don't know how Jim got the colors so vivid, I've never seen it look like that, must be a photography trick! I love your picture just as much, it looks like a place I'd like to be! I love nature! The image may have simply been that way that day at that time. Or he may have used various filters like UV, polarizing, etc. Or he may have boosted/adjusted them with photo software (assuming it's digital or scanned film). Or some combination of the above. The lighting and shadows look like it was taken during what's called "magic hour" in photography, which is a really big deal for capturing the best images. I remember the first time I looked at the waters of the Caribbean (from a cruise ship balcony). My husband and I could hardly believe just how "Caribbean blue" those waters really are. When you see pictures of the Caribbean, the water really does look like that, but it's as if your mind cannot believe anything could be that rich, deep, and clear. Like it's an artificial color because it's almost too much to take in. Our digital photos don't do it justice on their own. My father was a newspaper photographer before he got his MA and became a science/electronics/technology teacher. (Side note: We figured out later that my dad was one of my husband's high school science teachers!) I learned about photography when I was a kid and even learned to develop black and white in his home dark room. One of my husband's artistic hobbies was photography. He combined his creative eye with the right equipment to capture amazing images. All but two of the large framed photos in our house are his. He taught me even more, especially with 35 mm film and filters. One of the photos I took at Big Sur looks like it couldn't possibly have been that clear, that vivid, and that blue, but it was. I used a polarizer to capture the way our eyes see, but plain camera lenses cannot. As can be quite typical, it took me a dozen shots to capture that one. In those days, it was costly to use lots of film, but sometimes you've just got to do it. Now? It is soooo nice to be able to click, click, click with digital and then (1) delete all the crap so no one knows how bad some pictures were and (2) crop and adjust using software instead of showing a developer how you want something done. But there will always be room for film, which can capture images in a way that the best digital still cannot. I will never get rid of our 35 mm Pentax setups. Never. Wish I could post my Big Sur photo, but it's a framed 14x11 print and the negative is somewhere in the files. Well, there's a really long explanation for why I can believe that the colors were that clear and vivid that day at that time in the picture you posted.
Members Fmf Posted March 24, 2019 Members Report Posted March 24, 2019 @foreverhis I just had to follow up to your original post. I had shared that I too was going to be brave. I attended a parent social of my daughters future college. This was an event that would have been so perfect for my husband. I knew I had to go and navigate it and this was a new step in my new reality. Well I just wanted to say it went great, I walked up to others (was so nervous inside) but I did it I was brave I met some really nice people and even went to dinner with some a group, where I really carried myself well and contributed a lot to the conversations. Through it all I knew I had my husband there with me, I could hear his voice in my head telling me I could do it. So we can take that step, knowing our loved ones are with us- we can be brave.
Members foreverhis Posted March 24, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 24, 2019 @Fmf Oh, I am so happy things went well for you. It does help to ask our husband's for their support, doesn't it? I really do think that what you did there was braver than what I did. I'm not trying to be modest or say that I wasn't brave. Of course I was; hosting that little party was a huge deal for me. But you had to step out in public and meet people you didn't know, in unfamiliar surroundings, all the while knowing how much your husband would have loved it and how much you would have enjoyed it together. I am really proud of you for stepping into the light for a while and making it through. Big hugs coming your way from one brave wife to another even braver one.
Moderators KayC Posted March 24, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 24, 2019 4 hours ago, Fmf said: @foreverhis I just had to follow up to your original post. I had shared that I too was going to be brave. I attended a parent social of my daughters future college. This was an event that would have been so perfect for my husband. I knew I had to go and navigate it and this was a new step in my new reality. Well I just wanted to say it went great, I walked up to others (was so nervous inside) but I did it I was brave I met some really nice people and even went to dinner with some a group, where I really carried myself well and contributed a lot to the conversations. Through it all I knew I had my husband there with me, I could hear his voice in my head telling me I could do it. So we can take that step, knowing our loved ones are with us- we can be brave. I also applaud you for stepping out of your comfort zone and DOING IT! I'm glad you felt your husband there with you, I also am very proud of you!
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