15 weeks yesterday

[beaniele]

I am into 15 weeks losing the love of my life, suddenly one night. I feel so lost without Roger. I know everyone feels the same loss of their love one.

 

He was my heart and soul. How can I go on without him I do not know. I have no choice.

 

We had no friends where we lived. His sister in law says I am hurt because you do not want to go to lunch with me, when I asked in the past 5 years. The nerve of her to put this guilt on me. His family always made it seem it was his fault not there's. They are horrible people. Since Roger died I do not care what they think or do.

 

They have no compassion. They only think of there self.

 

Linda

 

 

[floyd11554]

I hate how awful and selfish some people are in daily life let alone how they interact with someone who just lost their world.  It's so cold and makes you realize that maybe you just don't need those people around any longer anyway.  I am so sorry for your loss and the aftermath of the fact that those who you should be able to turn to completely turn their back on you.  I think many of us can relate hence why many of us are on here.  To find like minded people who feel and share our pain.   I hope this forum can continue to be that outlet for you and provide the comfort that those around you cannot.  

[JES]

@beaniele  I am so sorry they are making you feel this way.  At 5 1/2 months I still don't want to go out to eat, with anyone. I don't want to sit with other couples around me, and feel my loss even more.  I'd rather be home and be by myself.  Do what you feel is best for you...and don't let others get to you, they just don't understand how you are feeling. We feel your pain because it is our pain too.  Thinking of you. Jeanne

[beaniele]

9 hours ago, JES said:

@beaniele  I am so sorry they are making you feel this way.  At 5 1/2 months I still don't want to go out to eat, with anyone. I don't want to sit with other couples around me, and feel my loss even more.  I'd rather be home and be by myself.  Do what you feel is best for you...and don't let others get to you, they just don't understand how you are feeling. We feel your pain because it is our pain too.  Thinking of you. Jeanne

I feel the same way.  The few times my sister and I have been out to lunch I usually end up with tears.  It is seeing all the happy people.  Your words describe my feelings  perfectly.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

[Sunflower2]

12 hours ago, beaniele said:

He was my heart and soul. How can I go on without him I do not know. I have no choice.

 

My heart is with you!  You are in the very beginning of this loss. Your heart is shattered.  How you knew life to be is no longer. 

Not comforting but in time you will gather pieces of your life and put them together again.  This is the journey and it takes time.  

As you shared...we have no choice.  Only we can create how we will make our time left here on earth be. 

The pain is deep.  We have to pass through it to the other side.  I remember a friend shared that with me.  For me it was supportive and appreciated even in the midst of the excruciating pain. 

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, JES said:

I'd rather be home and be by myself. 

this is so ok  and so natural to feel this.....it is also healing and honoring where you are and what your needs are for any given moment,.

[Sunflower2]

12 hours ago, beaniele said:

losing the love of my life, suddenly one night

There is trauma with any death.  There is a double trauma with a sudden death.  Honor this and be gentle with yourself with yourself.

There is a different level of shock that pops out when you are having a conversation, with everything moving along typically fine,  then suddenly within less than a fraction of a second your love is on the floor.  That is an added shock.  An added layer to processing the grief.  My feelings. My thoughts. My experience. 

We are all different.  Our history is different. Our relationships are different.  I've had to and still am working on the trauma of the sudden loss as I process the grief.  Very difficult to explain that process but its like the trauma had to be somewhat diluted to blend in with the loss.  I stay with the feel. I listen to my body. 

 

 

[JES]

@Sunflower2  I have to agree with you on the sudden death being a double trauma even though hard to deal with either way.  I saw Kevin slowly slipping away ( even though doctors expected him to get better) and I was already grieving deeply before he passed.  I still have that little comfort of last words which a sudden death doesnt give.  I appreciate your insight so much.  I do get out and don't always sit at home,  but I definately  prefer that to eating out at this time.  Very well said, where my needs are at the time....makes so much sense.

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, beaniele said:

He was my heart and soul. How can I go on without him I do not know. I have no choice.

This is one of those times when I see what another member has written and think, "Are you in my head?"  Absolutely I know those feelings.  After nearly 8 months, I still have them every day.  When we've been bonded with a soulmate so deeply, we're bound to feel as if we've lost not just our loves, but our purpose and half our souls.  There are days I have a few decent hours or times when I'm pushing through doing something that distracts me for a while.  Other than that, the days are hard and the nights are worse.  I not only feel the loss, I feel lost.

I guess in a way I'm fortunate in my in laws.  This will sound terrible, maybe, but I'm really glad his parents both died before he did.  They were not nice people.  Not evil, but unloving and uncaring in so many ways.  His father was a real SOB.  So much so that my husband decided at a fairly early age he wanted to be as unlike him as possible.  And he succeeded. They were estranged from us for years, though they did make amends at one point.  But my love had had too many years of their promises and tantrums, so we left it at that.  His other family, an uncle who lived thousands of miles away and his sister who we are very close to, were and have been wonderful.  His uncle died from a different cancer only 7 weeks after he did.  It was surreal.  Now it's just my sister in law, who is a treasure.

You are well rid of his family.  Oh, boo hoo his sister in law feels hurt.  They couldn't be bothered to be kind, caring, or loving and that is on them.  It is a shame that you have to shut them down and out of your life.  I wish for your sake that you had family to help you make it through the days and nights, but you've done what's right for you.  Better no in laws than horrible ones.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone near you.  Strange how many of us don't have a support system close by.  It's good that you can come here and know you will find comfort and concern from people who "get it."  Sometimes I wonder how any of us manage to survive, but you're right that we have little choice but to get up and face each painful day.  Please know that I am sending you big virtual hugs.  I wish it could be more than that.  You will never be alone as long as you remember you have us to help you.

 

14 hours ago, JES said:

At 5 1/2 months I still don't want to go out to eat, with anyone. I don't want to sit with other couples around me, and feel my loss even more.

Friday night was the first time I accepted an invitation to go out to dinner.  It was two friends (a couple) who live across the street and another friend of theirs who was visiting (a woman).  They would have accepted without argument if I said no, but were glad I accepted.  They also put no pressure on me to spend a long time out or "do" anything except chat as I felt comfortable.  We went to a local casual favorite place we all love.  I actually had a decent couple of hours.

The "but" is that coming home was, as it always is, very difficult.  I hate going anywhere because I know I'm going to come home and be smacked in the heart every time with a cold, silent house that screams, "He's not here.  He'll never be here again."  And that can practically bring me to my knees.  I'm beginning to think it always will.

I do often feel really resentful, angry even, when I see happy couples, especially ones who are clearly 15 or 20 years older.  I think, "That should have been us helping each other, smiling and happy, even as our bodies aged and our lives wound down.  We deserved so much more; he deserved so much better.  Why us?  Why take the best man I've ever known?"  And of course, there is no answer.  It is one reason I've kept to myself most of the time.

I have a few commitments early this week that mean spending time with others, people I actually like, a bit each day.  I will likely even have a few decent hours with them.   But I am going to be relieved afterward when I know I can insulate myself at home alone for several days.  It's going to rain, rain, and keep raining for a few weeks.  The gray, cold gloom certainly fits my mood and emotional state.

Perhaps I am taking teeny baby steps in saying yes to anything at all.  I guess that's something.

[JES]

@foreverhis  Am glad to hear that you were able to get out abit with friends, and have afew plans coming up. I have to admit I've never been a big fan of going out to eat, although we did occasionally.  I much preferred to cook or eat at home or even takeout.  Hope your weather clears up soon, it makes the day so much better when the sun shines. Hugs. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

On 3/3/2019 at 7:21 PM, JES said:

I have to admit I've never been a big fan of going out to eat, although we did occasionally.  I much preferred to cook or eat at home or even takeout. 

Ditto for us.  I'm an excellent cook and pretty darn good baker.  That's a bit of a brag, but also simple truth.  I learned because I enjoy the science, the creativity, and the magic of it.  More than that, I took the time because my husband so appreciated my efforts.  With busy careers, we felt spending time at home or visiting with friends, often spontaneous "Hey, let's all get together at X's house for dinner/lunch/wine and conversation," were far more important.  Plus, we'd much rather have the money to spend elsewhere or save for the future.  Many years back I did draw the line at making my own mother's day and birthday dinners.  I told my hubby that I didn't care if he ordered takeout or pizza, but I was not cooking those two meals any longer.  He said that seemed reasonable.

It felt strange in so many ways going out to a restaurant, even a casual one.  But the company and food were both good with no pressure on me, so it was pretty nice for a short outing.

The sun is shining today, but tomorrow it's back to what they call the atmospheric river.  That's a pattern where, much like waves, the storms march in on a 3 day cycle.  There's even a 1 to 5 scale like hurricanes.  This year it's been in the 2 to 3 range, so far.  For us that means 3 to 8 inches in 2 to 3 days, depending on location.  Where we are it's usually on the lower end.  In 1995, we had a whole series of category 5 cycles.  We got 8 inches of rain in 2 days at our house.  There was so much rain so fast that even the most stable areas had huge mudslides.  It's why we have flood insurance even though we're not in a flood plain.

Nevertheless, I'm thankful we don't have feet and feet of snow and ice like some of you are fighting through.  I'll lose some potted plants to excess moisture and have to mop up overflow here and there, but that's doable.  I've already lost one huge pot to the wind, which is the real problem for me on my own.  My love always knew just how to secure things, whereas I'm stumbling along sometimes out in the middle of the night trying to save something that's been blown over for the third time, all the while asking myself, "How would he have done it right the first time?"

Those are some of the many, many times I ask myself how I'm ever going to manage to live the rest of my life without him.

[KayC]

On 3/2/2019 at 7:03 PM, beaniele said:

They are horrible people. Since Roger died I do not care what they think or do.

And that's okay.  You do what you need for YOU.  (((hugs)))