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lost my son


dwsmithrn

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i am new to this site...i just lost my son....to suicide...january 21st, 2 days after his 32nd birthday..it will be 4 weeks tomorrow....i am in such despair and pain, i can't even leave my house. i don't know how to handle my grief....it hurts so bad....i feel so guilty on so many levels....i have 2 other sons and a daughter...and they have been so wonderful and supportive and my husband is wonderful as well, but they are worried about me...i can't eat and i can't sleep....this is the worst pain i have ever experienced and i just want it to stop...i want to pretend it is all a bad dream, nightmare, actually, and i know that is irrational, but i can't think of anything else right now....this is so hard to talk about, even to people who feel my pain...people want to tell what to feel, how to feel, when to get out, how to get out, what you should and should do, how to feel and how you shouldn't feel, and they don't even know what you feel....i am so sorry for all of you....my pain is so great, i know you all must be hurting, too...

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Dear Diane

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious son. The devastation and pain seem unending and oh so dreadful I hear you and understand.

Please continue to join us here on Beyond Indigo. We understand, as few others can. We too have experienced the loss of a child and are in turn lost!!!

I lost my only son, Stephen nearly 4 years ago and coming here reading, sharing when I can has truly helped to save my sanity. It was the only safe place in the world I could come and be heard and understood, No one told me to shape up, do somthing,etc. They just listened and that was more than enough

When you feel up to it, please tell us more about your son, post his picture so we can really feel that we know him and join us often if only to read.

I have a friend whose child passed away , in the same fashion as your son and she finds the following web site very helpful

http://forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com

Thank you for trusting us so much as to share your pain

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i am new to this site...i just lost my son....to suicide...january 21st, 2 days after his 32nd birthday..it will be 4 weeks tomorrow....i am in such despair and pain, i can't even leave my house. i don't know how to handle my grief....it hurts so bad....i feel so guilty on so many levels....i have 2 other sons and a daughter...and they have been so wonderful and supportive and my husband is wonderful as well, but they are worried about me...i can't eat and i can't sleep....this is the worst pain i have ever experienced and i just want it to stop...i want to pretend it is all a bad dream, nightmare, actually, and i know that is irrational, but i can't think of anything else right now....this is so hard to talk about, even to people who feel my pain...people want to tell what to feel, how to feel, when to get out, how to get out, what you should and should do, how to feel and how you shouldn't feel, and they don't even know what you feel....i am so sorry for all of you....my pain is so great, i know you all must be hurting, too...

Sadlady,

I am so very very sorry to hear about the loss of your dear son. There are many people here who have also lost their children, and they may be able to provide you support and encouragement that only those who have experienced such devastation may understand. While words of comfort offer little respite from the pain and anguish you are feeling, just know that we are here for you. Come share your story and join our warm and compassionate community. We will be here waiting.

ModKonnie

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Sadlady,

I am so very very sorry to hear about the loss of your dear son. There are many people here who have also lost their children, and they may be able to provide you support and encouragement that only those who have experienced such devastation may understand. While words of comfort offer little respite from the pain and anguish you are feeling, just know that we are here for you. Come share your story and join our warm and compassionate community. We will be here waiting.

ModKonnie

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new friends,,,thanks so much for your support...i am so lost and feel so alone...thank you for being there....i don't know where to turn and every ever so slow day just goes into an ever so slow night. the sadness just never fades and i am fearful of even leaving my home...it is my safe haven and i don't know what will happen to me when i have to return to work.....i miss nathan so much, i often feel guilty that i am somehow taking away from my 3 surviving children.....and people say the cruelest, most stupid things, mostly because they don't know what to say.....my heart is shattered, my life feels little purpose right now, although i know that there is something more out there. i just can't seem to find it right now. nathan was such an amazing person, i can't seem to wrap my head around why he is gone and bad people are still in this world...at his service there were so many stories about him helping person after person...he was an occupational therapist and his patients were there, telling of wonderful things he did for them. he bought equipment, and personal items, even microwaves, for patients who didn't have the funds, out of his own pocket, so that the patient would not go without....he had such a loving, caring, giving heart.....how could he hide his pain from everyone else, when he was there giving to everyone else....

this, i don't understand....one lady told us that she was depressed for 3 months and she looked forward to him coming; he brought her out of depression and she never knew he was depressed, if she had known, she would have tried to help him, but he never let on...he was such a wonderful therapist...happy, funny, smiling, professional, and she loved him to come....how could this happen to my wonderful, smart nathan...? he even earned his doctorate in OT...he loved his job, he loved his family....he loved his life at the beach....what could have happened to him? shouldn't a mother have know this? i have so many feelings of sadness, guilt, lonliness, all mixed in one bag....i don't know how to get through it, really i don't....thanks for being there new friends....

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Dear Diane

Nathan sounds like a wonderful loving person and a special gift as a son and to all whose life he touched. The people who shared how he helped them, buying supplies out of his own money and cheering every heart he encountered really were enriched by his presence..

Hiding pain is easy, I know since my son Stephen passed, my pain that is so very deep and endless is not evident to the outside world.

I know that of which you speak of the divas tingly painful , endless days moving into painful nights. It such an inner struggle and Nathan concealed his well. He was too busy caring for others.

I am so sorry for your sadness and pain but so glad you came back sand shared. You are not alone and that thought sustained me in my darkest hour. Please post a picture of Nathan so he can be remembered min our mind nd hearts The Gallary is also a wonderful place to set up an album of Nathan and share his smile and gladness. I know I visit there daily

Pease try to take it easy, rest, eat a little, drink water and sit here and read. It will get softer.

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Hi Again Diane

I just saw Nathan's picture in the Gallery section It is a wonderful

picture Thank You

Betty

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hi betty, thank you for checking out nathan's picture...such a beautiful face to go with his beautiful spirit....

i sooo miss him....thanks, dianehi betty,

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Hi Diane

I know how you miss Nathan His spirit, his laugh and his physical presence. Give yourself permission to miss him, think about him and remember the "Good Times' . This is very early in your painful journey but trust me the pain will lessen and the beautiful memories will sustain you.

I post to the Adult child main board If you click on Loss of Adult Child , you will find many other parents who are walking this road together Some do not ever check the rest of the Message Board and have not seen your postings. So if you want to participate in that Board just "Click on Reply" at the top of the last message and post your thoughts You will be welcomed with love and warmth This is what the Board looks like

Loss of an Adult Child

Keep coming back This Board saved my life

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thanks to all who are walking me through this pain, baby steps as it may be. i know i can't do this alone...only 4+ weeks and i feel my pain is getting worse rather than better....i told my husband as he left for work yesterday...'today will be a better day', when i know there will never be a better day without Nathan in it....so how do you ever really feel better? this i need to know....i can't seem to function, yet i know i have to, somehow. diane

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Hi Diane

I hear you This is a difficult journey that you have just started. Please be gentle with yourself Do not expect to be "better" in the world's sense of the word. Come here share your heart, cry, try to rest and know you are not alone One moment, one second at a time it gets softer. In my thoughts

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Hi Diane.....

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Precious Son. I too am unfortunately in the midst of trying to focus and get through each day without losing my mind. I lost my 30 year old son, Lance, October 2, 2010, close to five months ago. He battled depression and what I believe to have been bipolar. He was so handsome and fun loving. When he was happy, he was wonderfully infectious. When he was down in his black depression, I worried so much. He began to mask his depression with Vodka and long story short, after battling that addiction for five years, completing a rehab facility he began to drink again, bringing on seizures and ultimately he suffered a 37 day, horrific hospitalization as he died from liver failure and pancreatic cancer. He was our only child. I know how it feels when he is the first person you think of when you wake up and the last person in your head when and if you doze off for any minimal length of sleep. I know how it feels to have to propel myself back into a work force of people who have no clue.... It feels like I'm having an out of body experience to continue trying to live without my son, my friend. What others are talking about in the distance seems so trivial and insignificant. People do say some really lame things, for sure. No, I will never get OVER losing him. He was my flesh and blood and someone that I invested my heart into. I will get THROUGH this, but only because my precious Mother who died five years ago, she was my perfect example. I watched her as she grieved the loss of one of my four brothers. He was 37 and I saw her grieve hard and long. I worried so much about her. I was 21 and lived at home still. I felt so much of her pain. I watched her go through many phases and stages of grief as time went by. I did remind her at times that she still had four kids who needed her, in hopes of diverting her attention from her grief. Now, I'm here without her and without my son. I told myself, as he was dying, that if she could survive it, I would have to. I wish I could tell her now.... I understand her pain and her nights of endless tears and the cracking in her voice when she tried to speak sometimes.

One moment at a time. That's all we can do. I promise no one anything. When the tears come, I let them flow. No one can tell us how we should or shouldn't feel or time lines...... This grief is completely individualized. It's personally yours. My husband and I are grieving so differently. I do what I have to do. If I need to go to his grave and take flowers, I do. This is a life altering event we are trying to comprehend. It has changed us. We are not complete. I feel no fear of anyone or anything. No one intimidates me. I am of the opinion now that no one can do anything in this life to hurt me now. I've suffered and am suffering the most unimaginable pain, to be compared with nothing else. I will remember you in my prayers as you and I both travel this hard road. I continue to remind myself, we grieve hard because we loved hard. Our pain in our grief honors the love we had and continue to have and will always have for our sons. Love doesn't die.

I found this place when my Mother died in 05 and this is where I find myself again. There truly is no comfort to be found, but it is encouraging here to know someone else knows what you are talking about and the depths of the voids we are all coping with.

My Lance always told me, "Mom, what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger". And usually followed it up with a hearty laugh and sparkling green eyes and flirty dimples. I hurt for you. Treasure your good memories. Don't beat yourself up over "wish I had of or what ifs", because it's wasted energy you need to try to heal yourself, which of course I'm still in the process of myself. My heart hurts for you and each person here who share this sad journey. This site is a soft place to fall.

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thanks....i am still struggling to get through one day at a time....i still stay at home, because the outside world still scares me....but, i am trying...i can't mend my shattered heart...my world has forever changed....my other 3 children and grandchildren want me back, but i can't give them what they want, not yet....i am still trying to mend myself....it will be quite awhile before i can say i am 'me' again. never the same 'me', but a part of 'me' will be back....it is too hard to accept that my child is gone, i will never talk to him, see him, tell him i love him again....i miss him terribly....he was such a sweetheart. now he's gone.

i want him back, where he belongs....with us.....diane

Hi Diane.....

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Precious Son. I too am unfortunately in the midst of trying to focus and get through each day without losing my mind. I lost my 30 year old son, Lance, October 2, 2010, close to five months ago. He battled depression and what I believe to have been bipolar. He was so handsome and fun loving. When he was happy, he was wonderfully infectious. When he was down in his black depression, I worried so much. He began to mask his depression with Vodka and long story short, after battling that addiction for five years, completing a rehab facility he began to drink again, bringing on seizures and ultimately he suffered a 37 day, horrific hospitalization as he died from liver failure and pancreatic cancer. He was our only child. I know how it feels when he is the first person you think of when you wake up and the last person in your head when and if you doze off for any minimal length of sleep. I know how it feels to have to propel myself back into a work force of people who have no clue.... It feels like I'm having an out of body experience to continue trying to live without my son, my friend. What others are talking about in the distance seems so trivial and insignificant. People do say some really lame things, for sure. No, I will never get OVER losing him. He was my flesh and blood and someone that I invested my heart into. I will get THROUGH this, but only because my precious Mother who died five years ago, she was my perfect example. I watched her as she grieved the loss of one of my four brothers. He was 37 and I saw her grieve hard and long. I worried so much about her. I was 21 and lived at home still. I felt so much of her pain. I watched her go through many phases and stages of grief as time went by. I did remind her at times that she still had four kids who needed her, in hopes of diverting her attention from her grief. Now, I'm here without her and without my son. I told myself, as he was dying, that if she could survive it, I would have to. I wish I could tell her now.... I understand her pain and her nights of endless tears and the cracking in her voice when she tried to speak sometimes.

One moment at a time. That's all we can do. I promise no one anything. When the tears come, I let them flow. No one can tell us how we should or shouldn't feel or time lines...... This grief is completely individualized. It's personally yours. My husband and I are grieving so differently. I do what I have to do. If I need to go to his grave and take flowers, I do. This is a life altering event we are trying to comprehend. It has changed us. We are not complete. I feel no fear of anyone or anything. No one intimidates me. I am of the opinion now that no one can do anything in this life to hurt me now. I've suffered and am suffering the most unimaginable pain, to be compared with nothing else. I will remember you in my prayers as you and I both travel this hard road. I continue to remind myself, we grieve hard because we loved hard. Our pain in our grief honors the love we had and continue to have and will always have for our sons. Love doesn't die.

I found this place when my Mother died in 05 and this is where I find myself again. There truly is no comfort to be found, but it is encouraging here to know someone else knows what you are talking about and the depths of the voids we are all coping with.

My Lance always told me, "Mom, what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger". And usually followed it up with a hearty laugh and sparkling green eyes and flirty dimples. I hurt for you. Treasure your good memories. Don't beat yourself up over "wish I had of or what ifs", because it's wasted energy you need to try to heal yourself, which of course I'm still in the process of myself. My heart hurts for you and each person here who share this sad journey. This site is a soft place to fall.

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charsng1234

did not make it at work today had to come home, the tears will not stop today I am in such a mood today I only know I want shane now!! I do not get how I made it yesterday and today i can breath. I keep asking GOD please give him back take me , I should have left this world before my baby.I dont even know what to say because I know I will not make sense Why the hell did this happen??? I can not do this today am going to bed and sleep. talk to all my friends here later.. shanes mom..

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