Soooo lost

[biene]

I lost my husband, best friend, and partner in crime for 41 years only 3 days ago due to undetected Pneumonia which infected all sorts of other organs. It took less than 20 hours until the ventilators were turned off. I am just stunned how fast all this happened and can’t wrap my head around it. I am so scared of the future. He was my world and the reason I got up in the morning. I cry a lot and sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting. How will I handle such grief for years? I have absolutely no support. We just moved here recently and have not made any friends. No children and family lives in two different countries. This is a rural area and no groups nearby. I don’t mind being alone but it would be nice to have an option. Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist. Won’t be easy to find a job at 60. Oh, listen to me whine!
At the moment I am still very busy making arrangements, making lists of what has to be dealt with, in order of most to least important, just to have something to keep my mind busy. Hung his picture over my computer screen so he can watch over me and I see him every time I look up.
I am just happy that I found this blog and see many going through the same thing. Makes me feel not so alone. I miss him so very much already. Today there was a beautiful bird on our feeder and I turned around to tell him about it and the only thing a saw was his empty chair. I an so devastated.

[Billie Rae]

I'm so sorry that you find yourself one of us.Trust me when I say You Are Not Alone when you are here.I too have little support,my family is far away and my husband was a hermit so no close friends just a few people who come once in a while.My Charlie also left me financially devastated,we were living on 2 fairly good salaries and have bills accordingly now I have 1 salary and still the bills.Most of all I miss him and the quiet is so loud.I watched my husband suffering for 3 long horrible months and his pain made me suffer too.This is the hardest,loneliest saddest thing that can possibly happen.Most of us here find even in our different grief we have so much in common,no focus no energy fear guilt angerand numbness.is lost my Charlie 01/16/2019 we are all in different times in this journey so there is also hope and wisdom and most of all kind understanding.My heart goes out to you.Stay here with us and post or don't,read and you will see we are together.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[SSC]

My heart goes out to you @biene,  amazing that you are functioning at all when you just barely lost your husband. You must still be in shock.  I remember those days when the pain was so bad you can’t hardly even stand up.  Crying more often then not.  It’s just awful. I’m so so sorry for your loss.  I know it sounds like such a cliche but it’s true.  Only worry about one day at a time or if needs be, one hour or minute at a time.  That’s is seriously the only thing that works. Don’t worry about work or the future or the intense grief lasting forever.  Just think about what is in front of you.  Baby steps.  The other will wait.

hugs to you

[foreverhis]

Oh, my dear, you have every right to whine.  Your life has been shattered in a way that is completely unfair and unjust.  Your grief is so new and so raw.  I remember those first days and weeks.  I could barely function enough to get up, get dressed in clean clothes, and brush my teeth and hair.  I felt a deep measure of life being surreal or unreal as I went through all the required paperwork and necessary legal stuff.  It was as if I was numb and standing in quicksand that threatened to drag me under.  I still have a number of things I haven't managed to face.  Everything you are feeling is not only valid, but common.  And yes, whining and being angry is part of it.

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us, but I am glad that you did.  I didn't come here until 5 months after my love died (boy, it's still difficult to write and say that word).  I was lost and hopeless.  When I started reading here, my goal was not validation of my grief, but to try to find ways to cope.  That I found validation of everything--absolutely everything--I've been feeling, thinking, and doing turned out to be enormously helpful.  I urge you to come here as often as you can to talk, to question, and even just to rant.

My deepest sympathy goes out to you.

[KayC]

@biene Welcome to our site.  I am so sorry you lost your husband, and so suddenly at that.  I, too, lost my husband suddenly.  I was away when he went into the hospital and didn't see him for two days, then when I finally did get there, he died soon after, it was a shock.  It's strange how you can be living life and all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under you with no warning!  It is hard to wrap your head around.

I live in the country and there were no grief support groups here, I have since started one.  My kids don't live nearby and no family to help, the one sister that lives here is very disabled and doesn't drive anymore, the others are across the state, so I relate to feeling isolated.

I lost my job soon after my husband died, it was the beginning of the recession.  The third time that happened, I retired.  I realize how hard it is to get a job at that age, I was 52 when my husband died and 61 when I retired, I lived on savings until I was 65 and ran out, then filed social security.  When my husband died I only had $120 in the bank and we owed out $72,000, the hospital was hounding me for payment so I remortgaged my home.  What I want you to know, what I have learned over the years, is not to be scared, it will work out.  Just keep doing your best, when you have the arrangements behind you, then you can look for work.  Network.  If you go to church or see neighbors, tell them you're looking for a job.  Register at the unemployment office, even though you may not qualify for benefits, they can be helpful in finding you a job.  Try a temp outfit, sometimes it leads to something permanent.  I used to spend all day every other day in my job searching.  I gave myself a day in between to keep my morale up and regenerate.

Maybe he sent the beautiful bird, who knows!

I wrote this article at about ten years out, of what I'd learned on my grief journey and I hope you find something helpful in it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[beaniele]

It is 14 weeks since my darling husband died suddenly at our home. I feel all the feelings everyone has expressed.

 

I have been seeing a grief therapist, who is wonderful. Also, now seeing a therapist that specializes in trauma. On medication. I never thought that my life would be like this ever. The devastation is overwhelming.

 

Roger and I were also loners, no friends to speak of. His family is absolutely the worst so I can not wait when I never have to deal with them again. My sister has been my rock and has been with me when possible.

 

My Dad is 96 and he is there but he has health issues.

 

The paramedics took Roger to the hospital probably knowing he was gone but it helped me as they pronounced him dead their instead of here. One paramedic came by twice afterwards to check on me. It was a very sweet thing for him to do.

 

I long for the days before Nov. 16th knowing you can not go back. I have downloaded a meditation app that has helped.

 

I have not stopped crying since that night. This is my life now and it will never be the same. I am 20 years younger than my husband but I thought we still had a lot more time. One of the hardest things for me is no new memories. Also him not being here physically. His truck sits in the driveway, and my tears return everytime I come home knowing he is not going to be there.

 

I have read many of the writings of what has happened to their loved ones and it breaks my heart. I wish I had words of comfort.

 

Linda

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, beaniele said:

Also, now seeing a therapist that specializes in trauma.

This is very valuable input.  I thank you for this share.  It is also a very wise decision that you were able to make in taking care of yourself.  For my recovery the  trauma needs to be addressed and worked through.   These qualified "helpers" are another component of my survival toolbox. They are my team of love and support. 

warm thoughts!

[SSC]

@beaniele I’d love to know of the meditation app that you downloaded.  

[biene]

I am so very grateful for all your kindness and good wishes and also good advise you send me. And I am very sorry that you all must feel the same loss. 
I go through the days a bit like a zombie. I do all the necessary paperwork at the different mostly government offices etc. and it keeps my mind occupied.
I had to go and pick up my husbands ashes today and the funeral service gifted me this beautiful crystal heart. Engraved with his name, date and his fingerprint. I completely lost it and bawled my eyes out. They did not seem to mind, I guess they see that a lot. I am not looking forward to bedtimes. I am so very tired but can't go to sleep. Thank god for my dogs. They give me some company, a purpose and a body to cuddle with. But really, I just have to remember to take a shower.
I will keep reading your stories. Even though they are written by grief, they give me comfort. Will be back to write soon. Take good care of yourselves.

[beaniele]

[mention=412442]beaniele[/mention] I’d love to know of the meditation app that you downloaded.  

It is called Calm. It cost around $65. I have never meditated before and this is a learning experience and it really has helped me.

Linda

[biene]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

@biene Welcome to our site.  I am so sorry you lost your husband, and so suddenly at that.  I, too, lost my husband suddenly.  I was away when he went into the hospital and didn't see him for two days, then when I finally did get there, he died soon after, it was a shock.  It's strange how you can be living life and all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under you with no warning!  It is hard to wrap your head around.

I live in the country and there were no grief support groups here, I have since started one.  My kids don't live nearby and no family to help, the one sister that lives here is very disabled and doesn't drive anymore, the others are across the state, so I relate to feeling isolated.

I lost my job soon after my husband died, it was the beginning of the recession.  The third time that happened, I retired.  I realize how hard it is to get a job at that age, I was 52 when my husband died and 61 when I retired, I lived on savings until I was 65 and ran out, then filed social security.  When my husband died I only had $120 in the bank and we owed out $72,000, the hospital was hounding me for payment so I remortgaged my home.  What I want you to know, what I have learned over the years, is not to be scared, it will work out.  Just keep doing your best, when you have the arrangements behind you, then you can look for work.  Network.  If you go to church or see neighbors, tell them you're looking for a job.  Register at the unemployment office, even though you may not qualify for benefits, they can be helpful in finding you a job.  Try a temp outfit, sometimes it leads to something permanent.  I used to spend all day every other day in my job searching.  I gave myself a day in between to keep my morale up and regenerate.

Maybe he sent the beautiful bird, who knows!

I wrote this article at about ten years out, of what I'd learned on my grief journey and I hope you find something helpful in it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Oh I am sooo sorry for your loss. This is some sad club we are members in. I am relieved that I do not have to pay for his stay at the ICU. You gave me some good ideas for finding a job. I will probably sell my house. It's too big for just me and I can't deal with the memories. Hugs

[biene]

I really have to stop binge-watching these “How to handle grieve etc.” videos.
Mostly because everybody seems to get these “Signs” that their loved one is sending them. I heard his voice, I felt his touch, I smelled his aftershave etc. etc.
The list is endless. Well, I get NOTHING. I don't even dream about him. Why might that be? I wonder. Did we not love each other enough? Is he too busy? We were not the touchy-feely, saying I love you, every day kind of couple. A look or gesture was worth a thousand words. I am not religious, not in the traditional sense anyway. I have my own beliefs. Mostly I think…or hope, that there must be something after we die. I do pray, not to God but a higher power. Maybe it’s the same thing. But still no sign. The house is so empty. I am so empty. I am wearing his sweaters (is that crazy?) I can't even say that this is my home. I have no Home. It's a place where I keep my stuff and go to sleep. Where I keep my beloved pets. Where I close the door and wallow in my self-pity. At least I have this chat room, where I am allowed to share my feeling without being judged. This helps so much, you have no idea. No, I take that back. You DO have an idea. 

 

[Billie Rae]

I really have to stop binge-watching these “How to handle grieve etc.” videos.
Mostly because everybody seems to get these “Signs” that their loved one is sending them. I heard his voice, I felt his touch, I smelled his aftershave etc. etc.
The list is endless. Well, I get NOTHING. I don't even dream about him. Why might that be? I wonder. Did we not love each other enough? Is he too busy? We were not the touchy-feely, saying I love you, every day kind of couple. A look or gesture was worth a thousand words. I am not religious, not in the traditional sense anyway. I have my own beliefs. Mostly I think…or hope, that there must be something after we die. I do pray, not to God but a higher power. Maybe it’s the same thing. But still no sign. The house is so empty. I am so empty. I am wearing his sweaters (is that crazy?) I can't even say that this is my home. I have no Home. It's a place where I keep my stuff and go to sleep. Where I keep my beloved pets. Where I close the door and wallow in my self-pity. At least I have this chat room, where I am allowed to share my feeling without being judged. This helps so much, you have no idea. No, I take that back. You DO have an idea. 

 

Ah yes,the imaginary"signs"I too get nothing,he's just gone the only contact I have is when I'm talking to him,but I don't hear him back.Its lonely and empty a whole bunch of nothing.I also am not religious in the traditional way but believe the way native Americans do,there are spirits but they live on in us.I had to stop reading the grief books,they say don't make any major decisions for the first year,hahaha,I hated our house long before he left,so I'm out of here,had to get rid of his clothes in week 2 because I couldn't sleep with them right in front of me and knowing he wasn't coming back.We also weren't touchy feely,we were just a team of 2.Even as the books are telling me to grieve my own way they lay out"healthy steps"well I don't fit the profile.
Love and one minute peace to all of us

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[biene]

7 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

Ah yes,the imaginary"signs"I too get nothing,he's just gone the only contact I have is when I'm talking to him,but I don't hear him back.Its lonely and empty a whole bunch of nothing.I also am not religious in the traditional way but believe the way native Americans do,there are spirits but they live on in us.I had to stop reading the grief books,they say don't make any major decisions for the first year,hahaha,I hated our house long before he left,so I'm out of here,had to get rid of his clothes in week 2 because I couldn't sleep with them right in front of me and knowing he wasn't coming back.We also weren't touchy feely,we were just a team of 2.Even as the books are telling me to grieve my own way they lay out"healthy steps"well I don't fit the profile.
Love and one minute peace to all of us

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Yes, they are just gone. I like the Native Americans believes too. It's lovely and calming. The problem really is that one must make important decisions very early on.
Mostly because (unless you are independently wealthy) of financial reasons. At least in my situation. I don't have the luxury to wait to sell this car, his watch, and my jewelry and whatever else. Bills are still coming in and they have to be paid. I will sell the house but must wait until early summer. The yard and gardens still look like the cat threw it up. I am so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, biene said:

I really have to stop binge-watching these “How to handle grieve etc.” videos.

In time we find what works best for us. You will too, in time. 

 I took in what I could take in.  My binging was TV re-runs something I never did.  It was mindless distraction which was what I needed.  A daily passage now seems to soften my journey. If I need more I honor it.

 Be open to receive ……..if it serves you take it.  If it doesn't,  move from it.

Death does provide us with an opportunity to transform.  My choice is to do all I can to make choices that will again enrich my life, give me added strength, validate my worthiness and give me strength to look forward to the future.  

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."    ~George Elliot

[Sunflower2]

15 hours ago, SSC said:

@beaniele I’d love to know of the meditation app that you downloaded.  

research.  you can get it without a cost.  It won't be the premium. You just decide if the free version works for you. 

[biene]

9 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

In time we find what works best for us. You will too, in time. 

 I took in what I could take in.  My binging was TV re-runs something I never did.  It was mindless distraction which was what I needed.  For me now an occasional passage softens my journey.

 Be open to receive ……..if it serves you take it.  If it doesn't,  move from it.

Death does provide us with an opportunity to transform.  My choice is to do all I can to make choices that will again enrich my life, give me added strength, validate my worthiness and give me strength to look forward to the future.  

"The strongest principle pf growth lies in human choice."    ~George Elliot

Thank you for your kind words. I greedily take all the kind and thoughtful wishes and advise I can get. Hugs to you  

[Billie Rae]

In time we find what works best for us. You will too, in time. 
 I took in what I could take in.  My binging was TV re-runs something I never did.  It was mindless distraction which was what I needed.  A daily passage now seems to soften my journey. If I need more I honor it.
 Be open to receive ……..if it serves you take it.  If it doesn't,  move from it.
Death does provide us with an opportunity to transform.  My choice is to do all I can to make choices that will again enrich my life, give me added strength, validate my worthiness and give me strength to look forward to the future.  
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."    ~George Elliot

I too right now at a month and a half in after doing all I can during the day(Not much)sit in the evening and do old reruns,mindless and noise.I never liked tv before,I was a huge reader but now it takes to much concentration.I am trying to actively open my heart to see the small kind things that happen in life and block out the not so nice when people bring negativity around me I just walk away,in order to make life worth something again I need the good kind people around that bring positive light into my life.I'm so so sorry we all are going through this.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

44 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

I never liked tv before,I was a huge reader but now it takes to much concentration.

Absolutely.  Before now, I was a voracious reader and always had been.  Since last July I have read 4 books, which would normally be a month of reading for me.  Sometimes I'd read 6 or 7 books a month if they weren't long tomes.  Not only that, I was a technical writer by profession and am a poet for pleasure.  Since July, I have written only 2 poems, both about losing him.

It takes too much effort and energy.  There's very little joy in it or really in anything.  In fact, I can't concentrate much at all and lose my train of thought all the time.  Granted, my medical conditions had already contributed to that, but it's so much worse now.  Thankfully, my small circle of family and friends understand that when conversations with me jump around, it's not intentional.

I think it's common and just one of the painful and frustrating things that happen when we lose our soulmates.  We've lost at least half of who we were.  Our brains cannot be expected to function the way that they did.

I keep the TV on most of the time for the sound.  Usually things I've already seen so I don't have to try to think with my messed up brain.  I've never lived alone before and have only been separated from my husband for a few days or a week here and there, except December of 2008 when he was in Seattle with our girls for 5 weeks and I couldn't get there.  And then I knew he was coming home.  We talked on the phone at least once a day and emailed each other and were still very much connected.  Now I have this quiet, lonely house that used to be a warm and loving home.

I feel like we all deserved better than this.  It really makes me angry sometimes.

[foreverhis]

On 2/21/2019 at 6:37 PM, biene said:

Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist.

Have you checked with Social Security?  In addition to the pittance of "death benefit," there are survivors and spousal benefits.  Unless you are disabled, I am not sure you would qualify until you turn 62, but I am not at all sure how that works exactly.  So do not assume I'm correct about that.  At a minimum, if you and your husband paid FICA taxes, you will qualify under either his or your (but not both) work record when you reach retirement age.  I know for sure you can file for spousal benefits (a percentage of his) when you turn 62, but still keep working for your own SSA record.  Then when you reach retirement age, the SSA will check and see which benefit is higher, his or yours, and you would receive the higher of the two (but again, not both--which is really wrong, but that's another discussion).

I urge you to check into this as soon as you are able.  I don't know if you'd qualify for any benefits now, but the only way to know is to go online and check or call them and ask directly.  The SSA representatives will even walk you through the forms question by question to make sure you don't miss out on something.

I don't know if this will help, but it's something many of us don't think about or realize we should do.  Having to deal with immediate financial issues on top of this shocking loss is just another stress for so many of us.

I'm sending you big hugs.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, biene said:

Well, I get NOTHING. I don't even dream about him.

I didn't dream about George for maybe a year and rarely have since.  I don't think it has to do with how much we loved each other...if that were the case, I'd dream of him every night.  Perhaps I sleep too deep to remember.  But I have gotten other "signs", although not as often as some people do.  Please don't quantify your love and the value of your relationship by how much he can or can't get through to you, I've heard it's hard for them to, but I'm no expert, I know little of such things.  Just take comfort in your love and knowing it still IS and maybe someday we'll know all the "whys" we wonder about now.  (((hugs)))

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Ah yes,the imaginary"signs"I too get nothing,he's just gone the only contact I have is when I'm talking to him,but I don't hear him back.Its lonely and empty a whole bunch of nothing.I also am not religious in the traditional way but believe the way native Americans do,there are spirits but they live on in us

If it's any comfort to you, I have learned to live on faith in our love and relationship...that is how our relationship started out and that's how it continues.  It's been 13 2/3 years since he's held me or talked to me, but I know he still loves me, even as I do him.

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I had to stop reading the grief books,they say don't make any major decisions for the first year,hahaha,I hated our house long before he left,so I'm out of here,had to get rid of his clothes in week 2 because I couldn't sleep with them right in front of me and knowing he wasn't coming back.We also weren't touchy feely,we were just a team of 2.Even as the books are telling me to grieve my own way they lay out"healthy steps"well I don't fit the profile.

I understand why those books saying that would bother you...just remember that they are talking to people in general, and the truth is, we all handle this our own way.  The "don't make a major decision in the first year" is meant to be cautionary, not a rule...you know your mind and have valid reasons for the decisions you are making and have not entered them lightly, I would not dissuade you from them in the least!  But some of the grief books can be of considerable help...my mom had a saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath!  My own George also gave me some wisdom...he was learning something once and the instructors gave some bad advice along with some good...he said he learned to heed the good advice and throw out the rest, makes sense to me!

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, biene said:

I don't have the luxury to wait to sell this car, his watch, and my jewelry and whatever else. Bills are still coming in and they have to be paid.

I went through that too.  And I lost my job shortly after he died and it was the beginning of the recession, people didn't want to hire me at my age.  I can tell you, I never missed a meal or didn't have a roof over my head, with or without work, I somehow made it.  I tried to use wisdom to govern my finances.  I sold my handmade cards on eBay to get enough for food and gas.  I remember when I was out of work and sold his Leatherman, it was a few years after he died, I hadn't used it, I really needed the money, and I knew he'd want me to, but all the same I cried when it sold and I had to put it in the mail.  But I have other things to remember him by.  I'm one of those people that tends to keep too many things, all this stuff has memories...I remember listening to someone who talked about cleaning out stuff, they said to learn to keep our emotional connections inside of us rather than with the physical things, that makes sense.  It hasn't changed how I am but it's something I'll have to employ if/when I ever downsize.

Someone mentioned it was hard to sleep in their bed...I have taken to sleeping in a recliner for this reason and also because I breathe better if slightly inclined.  To me, our bed represents the emptiness of him being gone.  I can't bring myself to get rid of it though.  We all have to handle things the way that it seems best to us, whatever brings us comfort!

[KayC]

Oh and there's lots of meditations here...free.  If you're new to it you might want to start with a shorter one, like ten minutes.  Peruse through this section, there are a lot of meditations...Mary Friedel Hunt is a grief counselor and friend (she also lost her husband), she started the thread and many have added some to it since.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/

[KayC]

foreverhis and Billie Rae,

I also was an avid reader, all my life, had at least a couple of books going at a time.  When George died, I'd get through how to manuals and grief books, the newspaper, but that's it...I could not read a book for pleasure, my focus and joy was not in it.  It took me ten years for my love of reading to return.  I don't say that to scare you, we're all different even with our timelines, but to bring you hope, that no matter how you feel right now, it could return, I hope so!  We need any and all enjoyment we can get!

Kat has found comfort and expression in writing her poems about grief, and recently published her book on Amazon.  It affects us all differently, doesn't it!

[JES]

@biene  I too, in 5 months have had very few dreams about him, but strange dreams about others that I haven't seen in years or hardly even knew. I did have one dream, not a good one, in which we were arguing loudly. I felt so bad all next day, it felt so real, and why would I dream that?  The signs have been there for me off and on but not when I looked for them.....jus came out of nowhere. Really doesnt signify how our relationship was though...  if we see them or not.  Thinking of you all.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, JES said:

I did have one dream, not a good one, in which we were arguing loudly. I felt so bad all next day, it felt so real, and why would I dream that? 

Oh gosh, me too.  I have vague images about what might have been good dreams, but not really.  The only two dreams that I remember clearly were nightmares.  One was exactly like yours.  My love was literally "tossing" around heavy furniture so I couldn't see.  We were arguing about something and then I asked him if he ever loved me and he said yes, but then when I asked him if he still did, he said no.  I woke up completely freaked out and was upset all day.  Why, oh why, would my mind do that?  The second one I don't remember all of it, but the end was that he was, well, being intimate with another woman, but they were in the distance and it was unclear.  Then he was next to me and I asked him about it.  Then he said there had been others, when I know 100% that had never and would never happen.  Again, what the heck was my brain trying to do to me?  So scary and upsetting.

 I believe it's my own insecurities and feelings of guilt/remorse/regret/loss/anger.  At least, I hope that's it.  It sure makes me want to smack my mind and say, "What the...?  Vision up something good next time!"

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis and jes,I too have the distant but unsettling bad dreams but can't remember any good,I think it's our brains trying to make sense of why we are separated?maybe if it tricks us into we are separated by something bad instead of death it won't hurt so much and they are still out there,just an uneducated guess.

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[Billie Rae]

Kayc,you always make me think and that's important right now.on the financial struggle,this isn't my first time in dire straits and somehow I always make it,sometimes by the skin of my teeth but by letting others know I need help and am willing to work for it and my own imagination or even talking with unemployment counselor have made it.I went from a truck driver to an Alaska fishermen now a nurse and personal assistant.@biene when I got to old for physical labor I went to the unemployment offices and talked to a counselor and read all the handouts and did internet research and found out I was eligible for free community college c.n.a classes under displaced worker.I also learned that there are programs for widows and displaced homemakers so try talking to your unemployment offices and local colleges.If you are 60 you can get the spouse allowance from social security at a reduced rate and also work but can only make 17 thousand a year cap.There are a lot of people who can steer you in the right direction.
@all I know we have never met but I feel very close to you and you all are a huge help and blessing to me my love to you[emoji307]

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[biene]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Absolutely.  Before now, I was a voracious reader and always had been.  Since last July I have read 4 books, which would normally be a month of reading for me.  Sometimes I'd read 6 or 7 books a month if they weren't long tomes.  Not only that, I was a technical writer by profession and am a poet for pleasure.  Since July, I have written only 2 poems, both about losing him.

It takes too much effort and energy.  There's very little joy in it or really in anything.  In fact, I can't concentrate much at all and lose my train of thought all the time.  Granted, my medical conditions had already contributed to that, but it's so much worse now.  Thankfully, my small circle of family and friends understand that when conversations with me jump around, it's not intentional.

I think it's common and just one of the painful and frustrating things that happen when we lose our soulmates.  We've lost at least half of who we were.  Our brains cannot be expected to function the way that they did.

I keep the TV on most of the time for the sound.  Usually things I've already seen so I don't have to try to think with my messed up brain.  I've never lived alone before and have only been separated from my husband for a few days or a week here and there, except December of 2008 when he was in Seattle with our girls for 5 weeks and I couldn't get there.  And then I knew he was coming home.  We talked on the phone at least once a day and emailed each other and were still very much connected.  Now I have this quiet, lonely house that used to be a warm and loving home.

I feel like we all deserved better than this.  It really makes me angry sometimes.

I too never lived alone. And my husband went on some business trips from a few days to a few weeks. And like you, we talked at least once on the phone every day and knew he would be home soon. Every time the phone rings now, for just a split second,  I think that must be him. For now, I put the phone on vibrate (think I missed a couple of calls that way) but until I change my ringtone, that's the way it has to be. I have never called his number to hear his voice message. And I never will. That would just put me over the edge. Big hugs

[JES]

@foreverhis I'm relieved to hear that others have bad dreams too ( not that I wish them on anyone). Also have had the "cheating" dreams, usually feel Kevin is there, but then it turns into my ex ( and yes, ex was a cheater). I' ve always dreamed alot so thats not unusual, so guess this is normal to have weird mixed up dreams, just not good timing to have to deal with them now.  Wishing us all more peace in this journey.

[Fmf]

@biene  I am so sorry for your loss.  I can understand your feelings of feeling lost. You are definitely not alone here.  My husband and dad died less than 24 hours apart ( my dad had a stroke and my husband from pancreatic cancer that had only been diagnosed 3 weeks prior) about 3 1/2 weeks ago.  This forum has brought me much comfort and a place to vent or just as a sounding board.  Although our relationship with our spouses/partners are all different and been with them for different amounts of time ( we would have been married 20 years) none of that matters here.  We are all just trying to get through our days.  Know that I too feel so lost and I am lucky enough to be surrounded by many supportive people but even with that I feel like you do my husband was my whole world also.  I think that we just try to take each day and I mean some days are hour by hour and some minute by minute. Just know that you are never alone in this.  I am generally a very private person ( my husband was the outgoing one) but come her share with us and we will get through our days together.  

[foreverhis]

On 2/25/2019 at 8:01 AM, JES said:

@foreverhis I'm relieved to hear that others have bad dreams too ( not that I wish them on anyone). Also have had the "cheating" dreams, usually feel Kevin is there, but then it turns into my ex ( and yes, ex was a cheater). I' ve always dreamed alot so thats not unusual, so guess this is normal to have weird mixed up dreams, just not good timing to have to deal with them now.  Wishing us all more peace in this journey.

I know I dream a lot, but often remember only bits of them.  I generally remember a portion of whatever I was dreaming if I wake up in the middle.

It is strangely reassuring to know that others have bad dreams.  Over the first few months, our daughter told me she was having good dreams about her dad almost every night.  I was glad to hear it, but also irked (not at her).  I put out there, "You need to come to me in my dreams too."  Guess I should have reminded my mind to make them good ones, not painful, though fictional, scenarios.

I really do think it is my own mind projecting my negative feelings and my guilt/regret that somehow I failed him and us.  I hope to someday move past feeling guilty.  We made the best decisions we could based on what we knew at the time.  I do blame the doctors for not being more aggressive in figuring out why his symptoms got worse, but I think we too could have pushed them harder. 

I'm beginning to think that my guilty feelings stem from two places.  One is that I should have not let the little delays happen.  That if only I'd said, "No, we need to do this immediately" things would have been different.  Like I somehow procrastinated too much, even though we didn't have the medical knowledge to know the details and relied on what we were told. 

The second revolves around every choice I made when he got too sick to fully participate in his care.  Once the infections and electrolyte imbalances, combined with post-chemo and post-anesthesia brain, affected his detailed reasoning, more decisions fell on me.  Like the first time they sent him to rehab, the coordinators made it seem like I didn't have a choice because he had taken a fall at home, even though he wasn't seriously injured.  The first rehab facility was horrible.  By the third day (a Saturday), I knew I had to get him moved.  He was so ill by Monday that they had no choice but to do as I demanded and get the doctor to send him to the ER.  But what if I'd simply said no to him going there at all?  It likely wouldn't have made a difference in the long run, but he was in pain physically and emotionally and that's what I wish I could change.  Every time his mind got mixed up while his body was failing him, I had to make decisions.  We agreed together to keep trying to get to the next treatment, but now I wonder if I shouldn't have just said, "It's okay, honey.  We need to get you out of pain and comfortable."

So I keep going over and over, every little thing that might have been his last months better.  I was often on the phone with his out-of-the-area specialty oncologist, but she was nearly 5 hours away.  We live in a small community without the same options.  So then I think, "Why didn't we just move there for several months?" 

Sometimes I wonder if maybe he stopped fighting inside even before we decided on hospice together because he was afraid he would become a burden to me and wanted to spare me.  The idea that he might have thought that shames me.  The "Why did/didn't we...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." are haunting me, so i guess it's not surprising that my mind would project them into my dreams.  I feel guilt and regret and blame myself, so my subconscious must think my love blames me too.

I really hope that I can resolve these feelings into something more mentally healthy.  I'm afraid it may take quite some time.

[foreverhis]

On 2/21/2019 at 6:37 PM, biene said:

Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist. Won’t be easy to find a job at 60.

I've been thinking a bit about your situation.  You may have already thought about or done what I'm suggesting.

KayC's suggestion of registering at the unemployment office is excellent.  I'm going to suggest that you also contact your local (city and county) Social Services department.  You may very well qualify for some interim financial assistance.  There is no shame, none at all, in finding out what benefits might help you get through this horrible time.  Our county has things like a one-time cash payment to help with emergency needs for rent/mortgage or utilities.  Yours might have something similar.  At this point, you may also qualify for SNAP benefits, utility bill reductions, and even some form of welfare.  Please apply. 

I'm going to tell you a story.  When our daughter was pregnant, her fiance decided he didn't want to be a father and took off.  There she was, 6 months along, angry, hurt, terrified and trying to make it on her own.  We were not in a position to support her, though we helped as we could.  She didn't want to apply for Medicaid, SNAP, and other social benefits because she said she was ashamed.  We pointed out that she had been working since she was 16 and paying taxes that support all these programs.  We reminded her that the purpose of them is to help people through situations like hers until she could get back on her feet financially.  She finally agreed and the temporary help she received allowed her to make it through that difficult time, find a better and better paying job, and get the county involved in requiring her ex to pay child support (he does).

I tell you this story to remind you that situations like hers and yours are the reason those programs exist.  You've probably worked hard for 40+ years and paid taxes.  It's time society gave back and helped you.  Please, I urge you to make it a priority to look into every kind of assistance that might help, if you haven't already.

My heart goes out to you.  I'm sending you big hugs.

[Billie Rae]

@foreverhis wow are you in my head.I feel so guilty that I let him do the one and only chemo I asked him not to but he said just once.I believe his quality of life would have been so much better.Even before that I should have demanded the cardiologist take him off the blood thinners to do all the tests.I should have stayed home from work more often,he slept most of the time but I could have been there more.if I would have spent the last night in the hospital with him could I have made it easier for him to go if I had loved him harder would he have stayed?Did he give up because he thought he was a burden?what could I have done or said or or or.....

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[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I would have spent the last night in the hospital with him could I have made it easier for him to go if I had loved him harder would he have stayed?

I was with my love at the hospital the last 3 days of his life.  I had been with him day and night at home, except for going to the store, doctor (him or me), pharmacy, etc.  I usually took a few hours to try to rest, do my PT and exercise, and shower, but was with him the rest of the time.  I had been with him all day and into the evening at both rehabs.  (The second one was much better than the first.)  I had been with him most of the time, including sleeping in a reclining infusion chair countless nights, at the hospital.

I don't think I could have loved him any harder, but he was still taken from us and I know he didn't want to go.  Based on everything you've written, I do not believe you could have loved your husband any harder and I do not believe it was his choice to go.

I can't say whether you being there the last night would have made it easier, though I suspect it might have helped you.  But don't I recall that they sent you home because he was sleeping?  It almost sounds as if they wouldn't have let you stay.  I should mention that some nights I was not allowed to stay because of roommates or space, etc.  And some nights I simply had to go home to shower and have a meal and try to sleep.  We are only human and our bodies and minds can only take so much.  The doctors and nurses were afraid I was going to collapse and end up in the hospital myself, so I'd be unable to be there for him and to be his advocate.

I understand your "should/shouldn't" and "did/didn't" questions completely.  We're the caretakers of our loves and, thus, feel that somehow we didn't do enough, that we're to blame.  I know rationally that is not true, but emotionally?  Forget it.  I've been very good at blaming myself for "not being good enough" for most of my life--and I'm really good at it now.

Maybe down the road we'll be able to exchange guilt for regret.  I suspect it will take a long time though.  That's what happens when we love deeply.

[Billie Rae]

foreverhis,ahh we are alike in I have always been"not good enough"that came from my mother to fat,to skinny(when I grew up)hair to long,hair to short it was After pattern with her and I carried it over to myself.my own worst enemy.Now I've taken it with me on this the worst journey,guilt and second guessing even while telling myself I really fought the fight and tried to do right by my guy.And yes,I feel guilty about not being there that night,then it imagine how frightening it would have been if I had kept him home and woken up next to his lifeless body,I think I would have broken completely.
Love Billie

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[foreverhis]

@Billie Rae  I think that no matter whether we're home, at the hospital, with them or not, we all end up equally shattered and wishing, wishing, wishing that something had been different.

Boy, I hear you about parents and their ability to stomp on our self-confidence.  Sigh.