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Lost my mom on Monday...Raw.


JaysJ

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Posted

She died in the early morning hours after a day on full life support, and the day before that she had been out of it, but still okay and I did not see this coming, neither did she. We both thought, as had happened in the past couple of years, she would recover and be out in a few more days. She just fell asleep and her body slowly stopped working and she was gone. Multiple health issues, still unsure of the exact cause of death. But...I'm grateful that she was clueless and so it was peaceful for her. I wish I could say that about me. Things happened so quickly, I was informed too quickly that I was going to lose her and I still don't know how to feel. She was my closes person in my life, my supporter, the one person I could always turn to, and I lost her. I lost my sister years back and I thought that was extremely hard and I miss her every day, as she and my mother were the people I grew up with and the ones I always turn to, so I feel utterly alone on one hand, but I have friends and some family who are very supportive of me so I know I'm not alone but I feel that way anyway because they knew parts of me nobody else did or could ever know. Today I feel oddly subdued, crying very little, out of it, distracting myself, even able to smile about random things that have nothing to do with this, and then I feel guilty for feeling okay and good in some moments, and is this denial? I know she's gone, but I'm not sure my brain/body can fully accept it yet is maybe why I'm feeling so conflicted. I'll be sitting and feeling like everything is normal in the world and nothing is changed even as I keep trying to tell myself that everything has changed and that I'm gonna feel it harder as the days/weeks/months/years go on. I just can't believe she's gone, even though I know she is. My brain just is like nope this isn't happening, this didn't happen, this can't be. But it is. I'm not sure how to get through this. I'm strong, I'm her daughter, after all, but its literally minute to minute right now and each minute can feel like an hour. Just needed to vent. Thank you for listening. 

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Nicole-my grief journey
Posted

JaysJ,

I am heartbroken for you. You’ve expressed what I’ve felt and what I feel. I lost my mom and my brother. They were the two people that loved me unconditionally and I was so blessed to know that kind if love. My mom and I were one. We were each others biggest support, best friends and confidants. We had so many plans we were going to do. I think about her every second of every day. I was in shock for months and I now realize, surviving on adrenaline, some denial because I don’t think we can process this profound loss all at once because it’s just too much. I felt quiet, broken, scared, like the strongest one capable of handling the decisions and I did do all of that regarding arrangements, funeral, memorials etc. Then I thought I was doing ok and thought if I can make it through the birthdays and holidays these lasts months, I would be in some sort of clearing. Out of the woods a little so to speak...But what I feel in regard to losing her is bone deep. My soul, body and mind yearn for my mother. It’s completely life altering. I guess how could it not be when she was my favorite person. She truly was the best mother to me and a beautiful, sweet, gentle, kind loving person. She didn’t realize she was going to die when she did. We found out about her cancer and she was gone three months later. She was put through hell medically and still kept her faith and remained positive that she would get better. I was her caregiver and I thank god that I could be. I never left her side. I quit my job to be with her. I knew the surgeries and treatments weren’t working and it was excruciating to be the only one that wasn’t in denial then, but for her and the rest of my family I feel the denial was good protection. I cared for her with everything I had in me and know that we both did our best. We did everything we could. It’s still so painful that she had to suffer. It’s hard for me to move past that part but I’m trying. My therapist said it would take time to process it all and he is right. He said that the six month mark is when I would probably start expressing more and it was true for me. Grief is different for everyone though and because he knows me and the others losses I’ve gone through he is familiar with me emotionally. For others it can be a totally different experience. There are a lot of ups and downs, but grief does transform into being able to manage it as long as we get help and don’t ignore out feelings.The tears now days just keep pouring out of me. I look forward to when I can just have only the beautiful memories of her and I in the forefront if my mind. I look forward to continuing on with all the things she and I had planned together and celebrating her when I do them. For now, I’m just trying to be gentle with myself and not put expectations on myself about where I’m at in my process. When I see pretty things like a humming bird that flew right in my face, I feel her. The other day I didn’t think I would smile at all, but I made myself go out for a walk and when I opened the back door, there was a giant rainbow... Another sign letting me know there is still beauty and things I may never understand, but make me know I have to keep going. I say keep going because it’s been hard to get out of bed and find interest in anything. I know it’s all part of my grieving process, it just hurts so bad that she is gone and I feel lost. Sorry for rambling. You inspired me to share with what you wrote and your honesty about how you’re feeling. Thank you for sharing. I am sending warm thoughts your way and prayers that you continue to be surrounded by support. I know it still feels lonely and that others may not be able to fully grasp your loss, but them being around you will help keep you from isolating. We are here too and I hope that you continue to share with us.

hugs,

Nicole

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Posted

Sorry for your loss. For a start, you will feel numb and in denial and it's hard to process that is all I can say.

People will rally around you providing you support for days, weeks or months. I can only say everyone goes through the same process differently and in their own ways. 

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Posted

So sorry for your loss.  I lost my Mum in February.  Of all the stages of grief, I think the denial stage is one of the hardest, as it seems to go on forever.  I, like you, still cannot accept she is actually gone.

When I feel sad, I try to replace that thought with a positive one.  I imagine she is up in heaven dancing with my Dad, who passed away almost 34 years ago.  I picture them having fun, playing tennis, going to parties - all those wonderful things I wish for them.  I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe death is not the end, and that our souls or spirits live on in some form in another place.  It's just the body that perishes.  Our body is only a shell.  The true essence of who we are lives on.

Don't feel guilty for those moments of happiness.  I am sure your Mum wouldn't want you to be sad.  I can sometimes hear my Mum's voice in my head, telling me not to be sad but be happy for her, because she is well and happy.  It's normal to be sad a lot of the time.  There are so many different emotions attached to grief.  Unfortunately, it's a process we just have to go through, day by day.  You can't put a time limit on it.  You learn to live alongside your grief, without letting it consume you.

You can still talk to your Mum.  Say what you need to say, and believe in your heart she hears you.  Our loved ones who have passed do watch over us.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to a trip to the hairdressers or out for lunch. Thinking of you.

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Posted

Sorry for your loss.  I just went through the same thing a couple weeks ago.  Like you, I am still in somewhat of a shock phase, hard to truly believe it all.  I vary from sad, to numb, to angry, to okay and happy some days.  I think everyone processes things like this differently.  I think what you are feeling is normal considering the circumstances.  

There are no words that will make you feel better.  I know people mean well when they say things to you, but none of it really helps.  It's nice to know they are concerned for you though.  It's like a massive void in your heart that can't be filled by anything.  I think it just takes time to learn to live with it and to keep on going.  I've found it's helpful to stay busy with things and to not sit around thinking about it constantly.  But that may not work for everyone.  I hope you can find your peace at some point.

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