Facing the “firsts” without him

[Fmf]

Last night I headed to my neighbors as my husband and I had regularly on a Friday night. I walked out my door and started shaking I couldn’t walk down alone. It seemed so crazy that I reacted that way. I did make it down to their house and are grateful that they are good friends. 

[JES]

@Fmf   Those firsts are so hard.. I look back and remember the panic that just hits out of nowhere, stores were especially tough for me.  Our stores we shopped at,  too many people,  in hindsight now, I should've asked family or a friend to go with me for some of those firsts.  It seems the things we did together hit the hardest,  if I went somewhere I usually went alone I had an easier time.  It does get better in time. Thankfully you made it to your neighbors and that you have good friends. Prayers for strength to get through this awful journey.

[foreverhis]

It's not crazy at all.  The first times of everything are so difficult and painful.  Heck, the second and third times of many things are really hard.  Things as simple as going to the market for produce and having to buy only for one are still hard for me.  So far, I have barely survived my first birthday without him 1 month after he died and my first of his birthday without him only 2 weeks after that.  I managed through the love and grace of my small circle of friends-family to make it through the first Thanksgiving (always a big deal for us).  I don't know how I managed to get through what would have been our 35th anniversary right after Thanksgiving.  There are more to come that will no doubt be equally painful.  I'm glad you were able to see your friends and that they are a comfort to you.

I'm so very sorry you have had two devastating losses so close together.  But I'm glad you found your way here.  I didn't find the forum until about 5 months after my soulmate died when I was still floundering around hopeless.  I came looking for advice or hints on how to cope, not validation.  That I also found validation for what I am feeling and doing has been a bigger help than I expected.

Remember to ignore those who tell you that you "should" or "should not" feel, do, or say anything.  Your grief will be unique to you.  The members here will not judge or scold or be anything but supportive and comforting in the way that only those who have experienced these devastating, almost impossible losses can be.

I'm sending big hugs to you.

[KayC]

Yes those firsts are hard, it's out of our comfort zone.  One of my firsts without him was going to church alone, that was so hard!  I chose to sit in a different section altogether.  A friend of mine that lost her husband chose to sit in his seat so no one else could.  Weird how we all respond our own way to the same situation.  Whatever brings us comfort.  The other first without that was hard was eating out alone.  Getting groceries alone.  Somehow we learn to forge through this, my heart goes out to you, I know it's hard, but you did it.  Sometimes we have to wait until we're ready, like the getting groceries, we always went 50 miles away to the next town (better prices and produce) and made a day of it, seeing friends, eating out...when he was gone, I just couldn't do it, my daughter did the grocery shopping for a couple months or so then one day I knew I had to face it and did.  All as we're ready...

And as foreverhis mentioned holidays, I made it through July 4th, Labor Day (a big deal in my family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, and then when Easter came up I major rebelled!  I could NOT do another holiday/first without!  I told my kids I wasn't going to church, wasn't having a dinner, it was going to be an ordinary day with no recognition of it!  They said fine, however I wanted it.  The next week I had a big dinner for them and no mention was made of Easter.  It's not so much how we handle it, it's that we listen to our inner self, our needs, what we need at that moment, and be understanding and nurturing of ourselves.

[Fmf]

• @foreverhis and @KayC  This is  be  a big year of events for us.  I turn 50 my daughters turn 16 and 18 and we would have been married 20 years, plus my daughter graduates high school.  How do you respond when people comment what you "should" do?  Well you should all go on a trip together, you can still celebrate.  I am like but he's is not here and its's to soon (only 3 weeks) for you to tell me what I should do.  The fact that my husband and father are both missing these events (my daughters were extremely close to my dad) just compounds the situation.  I have found comfort in the responses from the many on this forum and appreciate the kind words and thoughts.  

[Billie Rae]

@fmf Don't let people tell you you should,that's to please them.What"you should"do is whatever feels right for you and your children,this is your journey not anyone else's.And however you celebrate or not it's not set in stone,you can do what's right for you in the time and way that you want.You can make traditions or change it each year.This year will be the hardest for you but every event without him will be hard.My husband wanted to go see all of his jobs(he was a high end carpenter)but was so ill it was not safe for me to drive him around,so now I put his hard hat and beloved carhart jacket in my passenger seat and drive his wish list.It makes me feel closer to him and let's me know that I can remember his work and see the physical that he left behind.My friends say it's not healthy,it doesn't give me"closure"but what they don't know is it gives me peace and connection so I stopped telling them and do it anyway.You do you.Love and hugs. Billie Rae

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[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Fmf said:

How do you respond when people comment what you "should" do? 

That's a really tough one.  I haven't had to deal with it too often.  I guess I'd have to say, "I appreciate your concern, but I am the only one who can decide what I should or should not do.  I will decide for myself with the help of our daughters what's best for us.  Please do not give me advice unless I ask for it."  If someone persists or tells you "Well my mother/father/sister/friend did such-and-so," then I would probably be more forceful about it and say something like, "I'm glad that is what worked for them.  But again, I will decide what works for me." 

If someone persists and starts say things about moving on, celebrating their lives, or blah, blah, blah, look them straight in the eye and tell them that they have no idea what your losses are like, that they cannot comprehend them, and that if they continue ignoring your wishes or making things more painful for you, then you simply cannot have them around you at this point.  Demand that they respect that it is you and your daughters trying to survive these losses and grieving.  And then follow through if necessary.  I don't care if it's your best friend or someone else close to you because these are, in fact, your losses and no one else can know how you feel or what is right for you and your girls.  Anyone who continues making your burdens harder to bear should be shown the door, so to speak (and maybe even literally).

Although we are all broken and feel our strength has failed us, this is the one area where I believe we have to muster every ounce of energy and fight we have right now.  I've even asked my husband to put his hand on my shoulder while I try to deal with some of the hardest things.  I talk to him all the time and probably always will.  If that helps you focus and sort through your feelings and fears, then by all means do it--almost all of us do.  Our lives and hearts are broken.  The only way through it is one day, one hour at a time and only allowing in those who comfort and respect us.

Hug your girls, hold them tight, and be a comfort for each other.  They are most definitely a gift to treasure.

I've decided I should edit to mention that I have had to lock a couple of people out of my life right now.  It may or may not be for always.  It was really hard for me and was one of those times I asked my love for help (even if it's only in my own mind).  I've also had a few people just abandon me.  People who I thought would be there.  It adds to the pain and is disappointing, but I've realized that if they can't be here for me and our family, then that is their loss.  And finally, one of the people I had to "have it out" with was our very own daughter.  She was so mired in her grief, in losing just about the best dad in the world, that she was not listening to me when we talked.  She'd blurt in with how much she was hurting too when I tried to explain what was going on with me.  One day I mustered that bit of strength and told her that if she refused to listen and couldn't understand that I'd never diminish her loss, but that's it's not the same, then I would have to stop talking and hang up the phone just then.  She stopped, begged me not to hang up, and then she listened.  It was a good thing and helped us both.  My point is that it took me more than 2 months to muster up that strength out of my shattered heart and speak up.  I wish I'd said something sooner because once I did, it helped us both.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Fmf said:

How do you respond when people comment what you "should" do?

My grief counselor, mentor, and friend, says to throw the "shoulds" away, out of your vocabulary.  This is a unique experience and what helps one isn't the same for another, it's finding what makes us feel comfort and doing that.  I can't imagine taking a trip at 3 weeks.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

My friends say it's not healthy,it doesn't give me"closure"but what they don't know is it gives me peace and connection so I stopped telling them and do it anyway.

Why, because it makes THEM uncomfortable?!  It's so annoying when people tell us what they haven't a clue about!

[Fmf]

44 minutes ago, KayC said:

Why, because it makes THEM uncomfortable?! 

ONG yes!! I had people say to me when I went back to work. I didn’t stop to see you st first because I didn’t want to make you upset!  I really wanted to say - oh you coming up to me is going to upset me , not the fact that I just had a double funeral for my dad and husband. You just have to shake your head. I am definitely sticking with what I want to do and what I feel is best for my daughters.  My 50 birthday is in a few months and my SIL ( husbands sister)!says to my girls  so what do you want to plan for your moms birthday. I immediately put a stop to that. Right now I can’t even imagine celebrating, maybe I’ll chsnge my mind  but then it will be in my terms. How she could even think to bring that up- unbelievable. I am so appreciative of the people on this forum. You guys “get it”. Like I’ve heard over and over here. It’s all about what’s best for us. 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Fmf said:

My 50 birthday is in a few months and my SIL ( husbands sister)!says to my girls  so what do you want to plan for your moms birthday. I immediately put a stop to that. Right now I can’t even imagine celebrating, maybe I’ll chsnge my mind  but then it will be in my terms. How she could even think to bring that up- unbelievable.

I don't know you or her, so this may be way off base.  It may be possible that feeling helpless to do anything now or maybe not knowing what might help, she could only look at the near future while desperately try to find something, anything that could be seen as a positive.  She should not have brought it up with your girls without your permission, but it's possible she was flailing around trying to get their minds off the here and now, if only for a short time.  She should really have thought through what's best for you and not assumed that was a good idea, but I'm kind of hoping that her huge foot-in-mouth was meant in love and not mere thoughtlessness.

It's easily as possible that she's just a thoughtless you-know-what and I'm simply trying to put a better light on it.

[Sunflower2]

37 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

 

It's easily as possible that she's just a thoughtless you-know-what and I'm simply trying to put a better light on

I like how you take a step back even in your pain and can be objective as you look at both sides.  

In weeks following my loss one friend from Brasil did mention a new companion.  At first there was a moment I was shocked but then I realized her intend was not to hurt in anyway. My response was a time out sign.  I told her I wasn't even in a place to think of anything beyond surviving. 

Even in grief and in my own personal pain I felt a need to gently set a boundary.  It may have been a teaching moment for both of us.  I guess I just understand people are people.  There are those I would have liked some further contact with but in the end things just happen as they do.  I wrap them up as lessons learned without grudges or anger. I also know that as deep as my pain was/is I can't expect them to understand the intensity of a loss like this. They, one day too, will experience such a loss.  Until then...…… 

Someone could say they don't understand because they haven't experienced it. That's true and a possibility.  I've mentioned frequently that my most supportive uplifting connections are those that have haven't lost their partners yet. That's why I so believe to be open to receive because we just do not know in what form our authentic support will appear as. 

On the other hand there are very self absorbed people who wouldn't have a clue.  they are the ones with red flags.  Recognizing these individuals is when we move out of their space. ASAP  Right?  

[Fmf]

@foreverhis  and @Sunflower2  you made me laugh with some of your comments. Yes my SIL is a bit of a drama queen and I guess my husbsnd has always been the buffer although he would agree with me totally  I think maybe she feels she needs to “step in” for him. Which is the farthest thing from the truth She is a great aunt to my daughters and I wish she’d just continue to be that.  

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

There are those I would have liked some further contact with but in the end things just happen as they do.  I wrap them up as lessons learned without grudges or anger. I also know that as deep as my pain was/is I can't expect them to understand the intensity of a loss like this. They, one day too, will experience such a loss.  Until then...…… 

I like how you look at this in such a positive light.  My best friends did a disappearing act on me when George died, didn't even attend his funeral, dropped off the face of the earth.  I have to admit feeling not such good feelings towards them for that, I would not have done that to them.  But you are right, they don't get how devastating this loss is unless/until they go through it.  I made a new friend, her and her husband were wonderful and a few years later I was able to be there for her when she went through it.  We lose some friends, we gain some friends, death has a way of re-writing our address book.  And some we come to realize are able to be friends in a limited capacity just because they truly don't know but that doesn't mean they don't care.

[Sunflower2]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

I like how you look at this in such a positive light.  

That is how I live. There are no options. 

I had experienced "some evil" that adds to the trauma. It is not part of my story.  It doesn't represent 'us."   It was easily something that was predicted but to see it play out simply added to the trauma. It was his family.  It is that energy I won't carry.  It does surface at times but I chose to move through it and hopefully in time it will not be so vivid. Beyond that specific behavior I don't see people being intent on hurting.  We all have our way of moving through this. There is much light coming through the cracks.  I'm  blessed and open to receive it. I still struggle imagining life without him. Yet I don't sit in that space long or it will bury me. It passes and returns.  With each return these painful feelings don't visit too long.

I have found many people interested in how I move through this.  They ask. Their interest can be inspiring.  Not a long dialog...it basically is the energy they sense in time of such losses and pain.  They are reminders that I will be whole again. They remind me that they still feel that magic within me. That gives me hope. We all need hope that our days will be brighter and lighter as we learn to partner with lightness and darkness. 

[Billie Rae]

Sunflower2,your positivity is an inspiration I read what you post and tell myself keep positive there is still a lot of life to live and choices to make so I can be positive or I can make myself miserable,when I read you I choose the first option.Thank you Billie

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[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, Fmf said:

my husbsnd has always been the buffer although he would agree with me totally

Family entanglements can be complicated.  There are situations where some individuals can not do a de-tangle. With my side I could.  Actually I've been known to de-tangle nicely. By that I mean simply without drama.  I don't want the drama and I will carry the past that serves me and my recovery. In truth I can't handle the drama.  

With his side my partner felt he had to be a buffer to maintain his relationship with his son.   He saw that as his only option to keep peace.  He realized awhile back that it didn't serve him well. His son was his mother's son.  He carried that pain.  He had choices.  We all have choices. He chose not to utilize those choices. I carried his sadness when he first departed.  It was his story. His choice. His responsibility to himself. I had to release his sadness. He wanted me to release it.

 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Fmf said:

 She is a great aunt to my daughters and I wish she’d just continue to be that.

Ah, yes, the drama queens in our lives.  Sigh.

Would it be possible for you to have a talk with her and tell her what you've told us?  Could you tell her that what you need her to do and be is what she has always been and that you don't want her to step in to try to make plans or what have you for you and your girls?  Wait...You know what?  Even if it upsets her in the short run, I think that is exactly what you might think about doing.  It would be setting boundaries without shoving her out the door.  If she reacts positively, great; if she continues to push, then you may have to create distance with her for now (or however long you feel is right).

[Billie Rae]

We are in a place right now that gives us the total right to be the drama queen even if we have never been.So go ahead and put that hand up and do the talk to the hand.Tell people what you need and expect from them in this time if they can't respect that it may be time for a little space.
Most people that piss us off think they are helping because they don't know.And we can't explain it because it's not possible to convey this agony.Love
Billie

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