Coping

[Fmf]

My father and husband passed away from two unrelated  events within 24 hours. Of each other 2 weeks ago.  I believe they are together but thought of not having either of them to go to is unbearable 

[Michelene]

my heart goes out to you 

[Laney]

I am so sorry......  

 

 

[Billie Rae]

Oh how tragic.You must be in agony,I can only tell you that do what you need,anything,cry,howl,scream or just sit and be.Let no one tell you what or how or how long to grieve this is your experience.Feel what your heart or head tell you.In grief all of your feelings and thoughts and actions are valid.Find a trusted friend that will listen without telling you how to be.Keep coming here as we all"get it"and are at different times and places in this horrible,sad and unwanted journey.You can just read or post we are here for each other.My heart goes out and my arms wrap you in a hug.I cannot imagine a double loss as yours but I can tell you I know you're pain and grief..Love Billie Rae

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[Fmf]

@Billie Rae Thank You for those words and that is why I came here to hear from others on how to get through. My husband had only been diagnosed with cancer three weeks prior and my dad had a stroke. I have a terrific support but just know they cannot relate to how I feel 

[Billie Rae]

[mention=412480]Billie Rae[/mention] Thank You for those words and that is why I came here to hear from others on how to get through. My husband had only been diagnosed with cancer three weeks prior and my dad had a stroke. I have a terrific support but just know they cannot relate to how I feel 

Unless they have lost a spouse,1/2of us,they don't understand,some want you to move on to fast,some don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them so it feels like they treat us differently.My husband went from acid reflux to cancer in 3 hours flat.He was being treated for acid for 11 months Then one scan changed it all.He did one chemo that I was against because his blood was too low and he never left our home again except for trips to the hospital.I watched my big strong carpenter guy at 6'3 drop to 80 lbs and when the pain and misery got bad he begged me to kill him.I now have ptsd over watching it.People expect us to be the same,but we never will.Just remember it is all about you for right now so treat yourself like that and expect others to treat you that way for a while until you are ready to go back to life.It may take months it may take years and you might find the people you have now are not the people for your future.That's okay because we are forever changed.Love and hugs my dear.Billie

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[KayC]

17 hours ago, Fmf said:

@Billie Rae Thank You for those words and that is why I came here to hear from others on how to get through. My husband had only been diagnosed with cancer three weeks prior and my dad had a stroke. I have a terrific support but just know they cannot relate to how I feel 

Oh my gosh, that is so hard, I am very sorry for your losses!  Multiple griefs are hard, as you grieve each one separately but one can bring up the feelings associated with the other and it's tough not to have it blur. 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

Keep coming here, it helps to be able to express yourself and know you're heard.  I'll leave you with the article I wrote of what has helped me...it's my hope that something in it will be of help to you either now or in the future.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sunflower2]

No words but my heart and prayers are with you.  This is a very difficult and challenging time for you.