Members Lana Kaye Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 My husband died today and I am already lonely. How on earth can I do this for years. He was my best friend, partner, and love. What am I supposed to do with no one. After family and friends go their own ways with their own families, and I without my family. This is the worst thing that could happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Billie Rae Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 Oh sweetheart,I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.Today your first day is time to cry and scream and get some of the violent pain you are feeling in the open.I am one month in so I remember that first week.Go ahead and feel what you feel,find one person who won't judge or tell you what to do,just listen.Stay here with us and read and post.We are all on this journey maybe in different ways but we are here for you and we"get it"big hugs and support to you.Billie RaeSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lana Kaye Posted February 14, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 I have cried and then cried some more. I have had losses but this is the worst. I lost my daughter in a car accident in 1995, and cannot help from crying when it is mentioned. I have lost my parents. But a spouse is the one that hurts the most when you have no other half. We were each other. We completed each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Billie Rae Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 Oh my dear,losing your other half is the hardest.It will also bring back your other losses,when we lose our spouse we also lose a huge part of us,our plans our dreams and how we believed our future would be.Know that we are here for you and there are people here further in this horrible journey that have wise advice or just validation that what you are feeling is okay.my heart goes to you.Stay here with us we understand.Love to you dear one.Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lana Kaye Posted February 14, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 Thanks so much for your wisdom and thoughtfulness. I started this journey today without any choice and I can’t change a thing about it. I don’t like it at all, but that’s the way it is. Had to take my husband off ventilator as he was too weak to survive. He had a lot of health problems and fought hard to live and to stay with me. The last thing he said to me was that he loved me with all of his heart. How does it get better than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 55 minutes ago, Lana Kaye said: I have cried and then cried some more. I have had losses but this is the worst. I lost my daughter in a car accident in 1995, and cannot help from crying when it is mentioned. I have lost my parents. But a spouse is the one that hurts the most when you have no other half. We were each other. We completed each other. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer Feb 9th 2018, so I am at the one year mark. I remember going home from the hospital and standing in my living room screaming at him for leaving me. I guess my neighbors thought I had lost my mind but it helped me to let out some of the pain I was feeling at the moment. When you have that love and connection with someone it is like half of your being has been ripped away and it hurts like nothing else. This journey is long and hard but you are not alone and we understand that you are in pain and are having a difficult time. We all have to find our way thru this difficult and dark time and there really is no right way or wrong way to get thru the grief and there is no set amount of time either. I remember thinking I could not make it one day without him and in the beginning I did not want to be here either, but time has a way of changing things. I hope you will continue to come to the forum and use it as a way to let out the things that are giving you trouble. There are so many here that are willing to "listen" when you need it and there are always the stories that are shared by the ones further along in this journey that might just give you a little bit of hope. Hugs and prayers to you. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janaki Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 Oh, Lane so sorry for your loss. First, few days are really tough. We are with you. You are not alone. For me, it is 4 months today. Its really painful but trust me you will learn to manage with days over. We have to accept the void in our life and move on. Its a huge void very difficult to fill. I watch comic series like big bang theory or friends. Trust me it helps a lot. Even if you don't laugh you will at least forget the pain for some time. I finished 12 series of big bang theory in these four months. I could have finished it earlier too but I am working so this was mine after work habits. I started to run, participate in the marathon (I go alone and come back alone, but feel fresh after every run). First week I went to an ashram (Church equivalent), wrote all my feelings in a paper and burnt it. Trust me, it helps to bring the burden down. Then went to a parlor, got head spa done and started to watch the comic series. Please take care of your health, eat on time, go for walk and watch these comic series. Remember that we are all in the same boat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 14, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 13 hours ago, Lana Kaye said: My husband died today and I am already lonely. How on earth can I do this for years. He was my best friend, partner, and love. What am I supposed to do with no one. After family and friends go their own ways with their own families, and I without my family. This is the worst thing that could happen. I am so sorry for your loss...that you are able to think enough to even find this place so soon is amazing. We are here and will listen, care, we've been through that day and many since. I remember wondering how I could survive a week without my husband, let alone the next forty years! My anxiety was full blown. I've learned not to look at the whole "rest of my life", it's too much, but to take a day at a time. I wrote this article on what I've learned on my journey, it's going on 14 years now. I hope something in it will be of help to you now or in the time ahead. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JES Posted February 14, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 14, 2019 @Lana Kaye I am so so sorry for your loss..this is one of the toughest times we will ever go through. There is no quick fix for our pain but as others have posted, there are little things that may help us to cope at the time. Thinking of you and for strength to get this most difficult journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted February 15, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 15, 2019 @Lana Kaye I am so very sorry you find yourself here with us. There is nothing I can say that will take away the anguish you are feeling now, but I can offer you my deepest sympathy and understanding. I know what it is to lose the one person who is everything. When my husband died, I knew that half of me died with him. He was my soulmate, best friend, companion, fellow adventurer, comforter, advisor, and lover. I am still grieving for him and always will. He was "it" for me. There are still days I cry to him "I need you to come home now. Why can't you come home?" It's not denial. I know he can't come home, but my heart needs him so much. This journey we're all on is the hardest, most painful thing most of us will ever face. I was floundering around, lonely and mostly alone with no family and only a few friends close by. Then I came here and found members who understand, who don't judge, and who don't tell me how I should or shouldn't be. No one who hasn't gone through this can truly "get it." The advice you've received already is excellent. Not all of it will be what you need, but much of it will. Definitely do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. If you have one person who you can trust to simply listen and give you comfort, then I strongly advise you to let that person help. Don't feel you must do or say anything you are not ready to share with others. Your loss is unique to you, so even I cannot say I "know" how you feel. I only know how I feel and that I understand the depth of your pain. In the past few months, I have allowed in tiny glimmers of hope in the form of being here with people who are going through such similar experiences and finding a tiny bit of comfort from the few people who truly love me, support me, and allow me to be however I need to be. Those few people were also very close to my husband, so they are grieving for him as well. They know that however much his loss hurts them, it is 10 times worse for me. My heart goes out to you. Please come here often. I think you will find it helps over time. It's okay to cry, scream, rant, even curse to yourself if you need to. Everything you are feeling is not just valid, but typical, as we can tell you from our own experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lana Kaye Posted February 16, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2019 Thanks so much for all the excellent and heartfelt advice. I will be going to his funeral in a few days with family and friends. I have had support and feel comfort with my son who has been there for me and relatives who offer me help. I can only go one step and one day at a time. The magnitude of what the future holds is too much to bear so can only go a day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JES Posted February 16, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2019 @Lana Kaye You will be in our thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Billie Rae Posted February 17, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 17, 2019 Thanks so much for all the excellent and heartfelt advice. I will be going to his funeral in a few days with family and friends. I have had support and feel comfort with my son who has been there for me and relatives who offer me help. I can only go one step and one day at a time. The magnitude of what the future holds is too much to bear so can only go a day at a time. Yes my dear,sometimes just one hour at a Time and one task at a time.Our love to youSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 17, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 17, 2019 I'm glad you have support and people with you, yes, one day at a time, one hour or one minute sometimes as you can handle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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