Should I then stay indoors?

[Pim]

Dear all,

yesterday evening I paid a visit to my grief counsellor. During the talk she said to me that I should not keep running from the house.

I understood what she meant but I think it's very difficult. Today is a stormy day where I live but nonetheless it's sunny and not too cold. When I returned from grocery shopping this afternoon, I looked out of the window and thought: this is exactly the type of sunny afternoon when Rob and I would go out together, take a long walk in those few hours before it gets dark and preparing dinner.

So I am confused. My instincts tell me that I should go out and have a brisk walk, preferably with someone else, but even alone is better than staying indoors where I am just getting sadder and being confined by these four walls.

And then there is the advice not to keep running away by immersing myself in all these activities.

What should I do then, read a book, start painting? As long as I stay indoors?
I used to do a lot of computer programming, just for fun, but that was possible because I could have peace of mind, knowing that at the end of my private activity there would always be Rob with whom I would share a conversation, dinner, a nice evening, etcetera.
It seems that now, half a year after his passing, I just don't have enough peace and calm to stay indoors and be engaged with my hobbies.

Sorry if this post seems a bit muddled, probably a reflection of my muddled brain.

Any advice would be very welcome!

 

[KayC]

I think balance is key.  Not to avoid something, but not let it overwhelm you either...we can dose our grief so it's okay to have some distraction, just not all the time.  I hope that makes sense.

[Billie Rae]

Dear all,
yesterday evening I paid a visit to my grief counsellor. During the talk she said to me that I should not keep running from the house.
I understood what she meant but I think it's very difficult. Today is a stormy day where I live but nonetheless it is sunny and not too cold. When I returned from grocery shopping this afternoon, I looked out of the window and thought: this is exactly the type of sunny afternoon when Rob and I would go out together, take a long walk in those few hours before it gets dark and preparing dinner.
So I am confused. My instincts tell me that I should go out and have a brisk walk, preferably with someone else, but even alone is better than staying indoors where I am just getting sadder and being confined by these four walls.
And then there is the advice not to keep running away by immersing myself in all these activities.
What should I do then, read a book, start painting? As long as I stay indoors?
I used to do a lot of computer programming, just for fun, but that was possible because I could have peace of mind, knowing that at the end of my private activity there would always be Rob with whom I would share a conversation, dinner, a nice evening, etcetera.
It seems that now, half a year after his passing, I just don't have enough peace and calmness to stay indoors and be engaged with my hobbies.
Sorry if this post seems a bit muddled, probably a reflection of my muddled brain.
Any advice would be very welcome!
 

Its snowing here today my husband would have loved it!it's okay to stay inside and think(or as I call it,wallow)and be sad.Its also okay to go for a walk,thinking of our loved one is how we process our grief.Follow your heart and don't let others make you uncomfortable with it,unless it has happened to them it is their"comfort"they are thinking about.Its okay to be where you are in your pain and sadness and yes little bits of joy.Its your grief do it your way.All of us on this site are right here with you.Reach out to Kayc she has been on this journey longer and can truly help.But always remember this is your grief and you do what your heart wants,it's the only way to eventually"heal"and don't listen to people who tell you different.Take care of yourself physically mentally and soul wise.There is no timetable no pressure,it's yours.my heart breaks for you and all here,Love and Hugs. Billie Rae

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[Pim]

Thanks KayC and Billie Rae for your answers!

My grief counsellor has been through this herself, she lost her husband a decade ago if I remember rightly,. But Billie Rae is right that this is my grief journey.

Thanks all on this forum for understanding and sympathizing. It sure is one difficult journey, isn't it?

Love, Pim

 

[Moment2moment]

Do what YOU feel you need to do. Balance is key. Grief counselors can make suggestions, but don't take them on as directives. Be yourself first and if that is not acceptable then find another grief counselor.

[Billie Rae]

Pim,this is the hardest thing we will ever do.To go on being this changed and to have to do life while hurting so bad.I wonder if it will make me or break me

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[JES]

@Pim   I also agree, this is your journey, if you feel like going for a walk, it may do you good.  We all need sunshine, its good for us.  Im being forced to go out lately, snow, ice, more snow, today freezing cold, but it does my body and mind good. Enjoy the beauty, give yourself a break, do what you feel like doing, and what is your comfort zone.  Love and hugs.

[ModKatB]

@Pim We are all on the same journey but each of us has to find out what it takes for us to be able to make it each day. No two people are going to do exactly the same things and this is okay. Grief has its own path to take and it also has its own time. Most of us can give you ideas and tell you what worked for us but don't feel like you have to do anything that others do or things you are not comfortable with. Just breathe and do what feels right for you and know that you don't have to answer to anyone.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[Billie Rae]

I try to do one,just one productive thing a day and besides the sneaky tears I schedule quiet time to reflect and cry.my journey dictates itself,my husband left me on financial shakey ground so just to survive I must stay busy.Today it snowed 9.5 inches and I had to dig out,then I went for a peaceful walk in the snow and remembered when we walked our dog in it and I cried and talked to him.May peace be ours.love and kindness to you all.love Billie Rae

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[Pim]

Thanks to you all for your advice.

@Moment2moment: So true: I need to be myself. That is very important.

 

On 2/9/2019 at 6:10 PM, Billie Rae said:

Pim,this is the hardest thing we will ever do.To go on being this changed and to have to do life while hurting so bad.I wonder if it will make me or break me

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@Billie Rae: I DO hope it will NOT break you. I suspect not. But it is hard, yes.

 

@JES: Glad to read that going out works for you even though it's cold weather. To be able to enjoy the beauty once more, that is what I want for myself too.

 

@KatB: Yes, we really have to find out for ourselves. You are absolutely right about that.

 

Hugs to you all, Pim

 

[Pim]

On 2/10/2019 at 12:05 AM, Billie Rae said:

I try to do one,just one productive thing a day and besides the sneaky tears I schedule quiet time to reflect and cry.my journey dictates itself,my husband left me on financial shakey ground so just to survive I must stay busy.Today it snowed 9.5 inches and I had to dig out,then I went for a peaceful walk in the snow and remembered when we walked our dog in it and I cried and talked to him.May peace be ours.love and kindness to you all.love Billie Rae

I too try do something productive everyday. That kind of feels satisfying. Then, while being productive it may happen that I start crying. And sometimes I cry after having done the work. All that is as it is.

You can be proud of yourself, Billie Rae. And sometimes I am proud of myself. But, having said all that, there still is this blanket of sadness which never quite goes away. But what else can we do but to try and survive...

Hugs, Pim

 

[Billie Rae]

I too try do something productive everyday. That kind of feels satisfying. Then, while being productive it may happen that I start crying. And sometimes I cry after having done the work. All that is as it is.
You can be proud of yourself, Billie Rae. And sometimes I am proud of myself. But, having said all that, there still is this blanket of sadness which never quite goes away. But what else can we do but to try and survive...
Hugs, Pim

Oh that blanket of sadness,we wear it always.I try to not let it show,I find it makes others uncomfortable.My grief seems to remind people that one day it may happen to them and they don't want to face that.But my circumstance tells them it can happen in a flash,one day a normal healthy spouse and boom one moment one diagnosis changes everything.I want to scream at people to hold tight and show love and gratitude,don't be petty or selfish because it can happen to anyone at anytime.The hard lesson learned.Love Hugs and support to you my friends.I am so happy to have found you all.found Angels who get"it"

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[Billie Rae]

I too try do something productive everyday. That kind of feels satisfying. Then, while being productive it may happen that I start crying. And sometimes I cry after having done the work. All that is as it is.
You can be proud of yourself, Billie Rae. And sometimes I am proud of myself. But, having said all that, there still is this blanket of sadness which never quite goes away. But what else can we do but to try and survive...
Hugs, Pim

Oh that blanket of sadness,we wear it always.I try to not let it show,I find it makes others uncomfortable.My grief seems to remind people that one day it may happen to them and they don't want to face that.But my circumstance tells them it can happen in a flash,one day a normal healthy spouse and boom one moment one diagnosis changes everything.I want to scream at people to hold tight and show love and gratitude,don't be petty or selfish because it can happen to anyone at anytime.The hard lesson learned.Love Hugs and support to you my friends.I am so happy to have found you all.found Angels who get"it"

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[Billie Rae]

Oops double share

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[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, Pim said:

During the talk she said to me that I should not keep running from the house.

I guess it depends on whether you're going outside to run away from your grief or whether taking a walk makes you feel comforted.  If you take a walk now, might you talk with Rob?  I talk to my husband all the time.  If nothing else, it helps me come to terms with what has happened and it helps me express my grief.  If you go outside to walk or just sit on a bench or visit the bookstore (or wherever) are you trying to ignore or "run away" from your grief?  Or are you simply trying to live life the best way you can while you go through the worst thing that has ever and probably will ever happen?

I think I understand what the grief counselor meant about running away and agree that you shouldn't try to ignore or run away from grieving because it will not work in the long run.  But I'm not sure that's what's happening with you.  You are the only one who can decide what will help you, not that much will seem helpful just now.  Do you know what might have made her think that you are running from the house to escape your grief?  Regardless, it seems that thinking you need to stay inside right now may be causing you more stress, rather than helping you.

[SSC]

such an appropriate term.  "blanket of sadness"  that's the feeling exactly.  At times so heavy it feels smothering.  At other times its just there, covering you, not letting you go.  Never a comfort, almost a part of us now.

[KayC]

Pim,

I'm glad you have a grief counselor that has first hand experience...my original grief counselor should have stuck to drugs/alcohol counseling, he was horrible with grief counseling.  There is a grief counselor on another site that has walked with me all these years and I've learned so much from her, she's the best and today is her birthday, Happy Birthday, Marty!
You have been given such good comments here, this is a really good group of people, all giving wisdom and understanding from their experience.  I like this:

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess it depends on whether you're going outside to run away from your grief or whether taking a walk makes you feel comforted. 

So true!  It's getting to the bottom of why we respond like we do that lets us know if it's right for us, often it's in the motive.  Running from grief doesn't help, of course, but taking respite in grief can refresh us.  And I've heard it said that daily walks can be cathartic in grief.  So go with your own heart.

[JES]

@Pim @Billie Rae  I thought of both of you yesterday as I shoveled my snow, wondered, did Pim go for a walk? Did Billie Rae enjoy digging out and feel better after her walk? Unfortunately mine wasnt totally peaceful as snow plow left huge boulder size ice chunk in front of garage. My garage door frozen shut, had to heel kick bottom to get it to open,  couldnt get suv past ice chunk, couldn't chip ice boulder, finally had to pour salt on it, and walk away. Left it for today,  crow bar and heavy hammer, lots of chipping,  two hours later..gone!  One more ( Kevin) job accomplished.

[Billie Rae]

Life was so much better with 2.ugh I'm getting behind in everything and sometimes just give up and take a nap.I used to be so efficient and now it all overwhelms me.I never got frustrated or upset,now I cry and give up or throw a cussing tantrum.I look around and don't feel like I've accomplished anything at all.enough feeling sorry for myself this snow is getting to me.love hugs and peace My friends[emoji307]

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[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Billie Rae said:

throw a cussing tantrum

Good to know I'm not alone in using words--at home and alone--that I don't normally use.  My mother is probably "spinning around in her grave" right now.  Lady like?  No way.  Cathartic at times?  Yep.  And my hubby would completely understand.

[Pim]

Hi all, this is growing into quite a topic. I appreciate it very much and thanks again for your advice.

@Billie Rae and SSC: The blanket of sadness, it's there because in the end we never get our loved ones back (at least not in this life). And that's the sadness which we have to wear constantly now. Because no matter what we do, the fact remains we never get them back :-(  :-(  :-(

@foreverhis: The intention with which you leave the house, yes, that is what this is all about isn't it? But it is also true that staying indoors and doing quiet activities by myself is just not going to work right now.

@JES: I kind of smiled reading about your icy adventures :-) But I know it it difficult when you have to do every job by yourself now. Where there used to be the two of you. Do you also feel that you are so much more vulnerable living alone? I can totally relate to Billie Rae: it is just overwhelming at times.

 

[KayC]

JES, I am sorry the plow left a boulder in front of your garage.  Stupid county roared down my street two days in a row without the plow down, at first I was so happy to see it, then I realized they came and went w/o doing a damned thing!  I'm struggling to keep my mental state above water, too much snow for too long and no end in sight. 

Pim, yes we feel more vulnerable and it is overwhelming at times.  We just have to hang in there for this too to pass.  I feel I have to indulge in mental games just to keep myself surviving.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Pim said:

@foreverhis: The intention with which you leave the house, yes, that is what this is all about isn't it? But it is also true that staying indoors and doing quiet activities by myself is just not going to work right now.

Then you have the right answer for yourself.  You know staying inside all the time at this point is not going to help you, but that going out and taking that walk might.  Go for the walk.  Bundle up!  Rob would not want you to get sick, right?  The exercise is always a good thing and if it comforts you even a little bit, then it's an even better thing to do. 

6 hours ago, Pim said:

But I know it it difficult when you have to do every job by yourself now. Where there used to be the two of you. Do you also feel that you feel that you are so much more vulnerable living alone?

Yes, absolutely.  We have some wonderful neighbors who've really started to pitch in and make sure I'm okay (physically, at least--they know emotionally okay is not going to happen).  When my husband was in the hospital, the two neighbors we had known best made sure he knew they were "watching over" me on the nights I was home instead of overnight at the hospital.  But I can still hear my husband's voice in my head telling me to lock the doors, check the garage (it's separate from the house), make sure the outside sensor lights are working, etc.  He always worried when I was home alone.  Not because he thought I was a ninny; he knew I was not.  Rather because he was a man who was strong and assertive, thought not outwardly "macho" or aggressive, who was a vigilant protector of his family. 

I know with all my being that one of the things that scared him was leaving me alone and vulnerable.  I think he'd be somewhat comforted to know how the neighbors, especially the men, have stepped up.  We are very lucky to have a little "cluster" at the end of our block that was already coming together as a "unit" in the 3 years before he got sick when our across the street neighbors hosted the first holiday block party.  People who had been "Wave and hi, how are you?" neighbors started getting to see each other as individuals.  We discovered so much in common and all had so much fun that we've had parties and small gatherings ever since.  Since my husband's illness and death, everyone has become even more aware that it could happen to any of us.  I still feel vulnerable in many ways, but am comforted that I could call half a dozen people in the middle of the night and know they'd come running.

I've never lived alone before.  It's not that I hate my own company or that I think I'm a ninny because I'm not.  It's that it was always the two of us and that whole "you and me against the world" thing.  It's that I miss him so much I can barely breathe sometimes. It's that our lives together were not finished.  It is difficult to try to learn how to do his jobs or to relearn things like laundry and dishes, which he took over doing more than 30 years ago.  There are any number of things I'm going to have to ask for help doing.

Each night I think, "I'll get X, Y, and Z done tomorrow."  Each morning I think, "Okay, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z today."  And then most days, it simply does not happen.  I'm still too overwhelmed and upset to do a whole lot of things that I know must be done.  I'll often stare into space or at the computer screen.  I might even be thinking, "I really need to do at least X and Y," but most days it simply does not happen.  I tell my husband ridiculous things like, "You need to come home now."  I'm not in denial; I know he cannot come home.  But I need him so much that my heart will not let go of the idea that he should come home.  It does sometimes feel like a blanket of grief is holding me down.  I've decided that if I get even one thing done in the day, one thing when I can say, "I did this!" then that's enough right now.

Pim, I'm glad for one thing.  I'm glad I found this forum.  I've found so many people going through this unbelievable, unbearable loss that at least I know I'm not alone now.  I'm glad you found your way here too.  Big hugs to you--and like I said, don't forget to bundle up when you go out on your walks!

[Pim]

On 2/11/2019 at 8:16 PM, foreverhis said:

I've never lived alone before.  It's not that I hate my own company or that I think I'm a ninny because I'm not.  It's that it was always the two of us and that whole "you and me against the world" thing.  It's that I miss him so much I can barely breathe sometimes. It's that our lives together were not finished.  It is difficult to try to learn how to do his jobs or to relearn things like laundry and dishes, which he took over doing more than 30 years ago.  There are any number of things I'm going to have to ask for help doing.

Each night I think, "I'll get X, Y, and Z done tomorrow."  Each morning I think, "Okay, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z today."  And then most days, it simply does not happen.  I'm still too overwhelmed and upset to do a whole lot of things that I know must be done.  I'll often stare into space or at the computer screen.  I might even be thinking, "I really need to do at least X and Y," but most days it simply does not happen.  I tell my husband ridiculous things like, "You need to come home now."  I'm not in denial; I know he cannot come home.  But I need him so much that my heart will not let go of the idea that he should come home.  It does sometimes feel like a blanket of grief is holding me down.  I've decided that if I get even one thing done in the day, one thing when I can say, "I did this!" then that's enough right now.

Thanks for your extensive reply. I don't like living alone either. In fact I hate it. I so much miss those cosy evenings and I would so much prefer having a walk together instead of by myself. But there it is, I am alone now and I have to find a way to deal with it.

You state that your lives were not finished. Oh darling, I know what you mean. It's so frustrating, but again, we cannot alter the past...

I'm glad you have safety with your neighbours watching over you. At least one thing less to worry about.

Yes, one thing a day is enough. If you feel you are up to more, then fine, if not, just let it be. I find that my whole perception of time has changed anyway since my beloved's death.

Hugs back to you, Pim

 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Pim said:

I find that my whole perception of time has changed anyway since my beloved's death.

Oh, that's it exactly.  Time is not the same now.  Thank you so much for saying it that way. 

And hugs to you as well.

[JES]

@ Billie Rae.      Yes I find everything is so much easier with two....we made decisions together,  we shared the work, we shared our dreams,  we shared our feelings, we even shared the same employer.  I never wanted to be alone, but I am more accepting as time goes on,  I have no choice.  I try to stay strong for myself now whereas I was having to be strong for both of us during his illnesses.  I am trying to be a better person, to have more patience, love and kindness. I thank God for all of you everyday. You have helped my world become a little better place even through your own grief. Thankyou all!

[JES]

@Pim  I smile too, to think of my big ice boulder dilemma.  I took my 92 yr. old uncle to Walmart shopping today, got home and big garage door open.....What now?  Snow in rail,  easy fix.  Im just so used to Kevin fixing all those little problems. Im learning patience for sure.  I love being in my house,  my comfort zone but also my lazy zone..don't feel like doing house stuff lately.  No energy for it, housework can wait!  So I do what I feel better doing, getting outside, a trip to store ( much easier now), talking on phone,  etc.  My grief will find me anywhere if it needs too. Love @ hugs to all.

[JES]

@KayC  I hope you are doing ok with the snow situation. We are so used to the snow that we are more prepared, more plows, salt/sand trucks, it takes alot to shut us down. However we are getting abundance this year, snow banks high and no where to put new snow, more coming tommorow, up to 12 inches..... as much as I love it,  I also am thinking...ok enough now!

[Billie Rae]

Vulnerable oh yes.I hear sounds and see movement where there is none.I jump when the ups guy knocks but yet I get resentment when others try to"keep me company".It has been snow after snow here and I'm using it as an excuse to do nothing though I did go to work.Time has slowed down,when I think 2 hours have passed Its only a few minutes.Its hard to find where I fit in time and space,hyper aware of my steps when I walk but don't know when I'm cold.sometimes when I drive I forget where I was going or things don't look familiar.When I was his caregiver I had purpose and had to be strong and all through our marriage I was the problem solver and go getter.Charlie always told me that I was the smartest and most capable woman he ever met.I don't know where that woman went Now I'm lucky to find matching shoes.Before I met Charlie I loved living alone now it's just lonely and no focus.No one to be proud of me,no one to laugh with no one to bounce ideas off(even if I do it My way anyway)love to you all my friends big hugs.Billie Rae

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[Sunflower2]

On ‎2‎/‎9‎/‎2019 at 10:45 AM, Pim said:

My instincts tell me that 

Listen to your gut, your instincts. Avoid should "ing" on yourself.  consider making a list of what may spark an interest.  try one thing a day.  share the list with your counselor.  You CAN  brainstorm ideas with a counselor, Try it.  You simply may not be ready to return to your hobbies. Accept that.  Doesn't have to be a defined structured hobby.  Do a mindless read.  A detective thriller? A mindless TV program. Take a bubble bath.  Buy play dough. Do something you enjoyed as a kid. MIndless yes but it can be joyful.  You may be surprised what can evolve from simplicity

[KayC]

15 hours ago, JES said:

@KayC  I hope you are doing ok with the snow situation. We are so used to the snow that we are more prepared, more plows, salt/sand trucks, it takes alot to shut us down. However we are getting abundance this year, snow banks high and no where to put new snow, more coming tommorow, up to 12 inches..... as much as I love it,  I also am thinking...ok enough now!

I fell coming down the second driveway last night, it had a lot of wet snow and with the incline was very slippery...I felt something pull in my knee, today the back of my knee hurts, maybe a pulled hamstring, not sure, but it's not real severe so hoping it heals quickly.  Still, I'll have to be more careful, I should have used the driveway that is shoveled.  Getting more snow tonight/tomorrow.  Yes indeed, enough now!

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc Hope your not in much pain.love to you.I am sitting here with no power and not much wood,I had 2 cords but when Charlie was sick I had to burn 24 hours a day.Then the weather got nasty and my wood guy has no dry wood and now no one can get on our street it's slippery.guess I Will sleep this day away.They say the roads are very bad so...long Johns and pjs for me.it's to quiet without tv or music so sleep it is.love to us all[emoji8]

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[JES]

@KayC  I'm sorry you fell and hope your knee is doing ok.  I have ice cleats, rubber with metal spikes on bottom, that I keep on my boots. They are a lifesaver, good on snow or ice,  really dig in to keep you from slipping.  Kevin ordered them last year,  one pr. for each. I ended up with his as he couldnt shovel. His are large size, my smalls are useless, too small and my feet arent big. I highly recommend.   I am so afraid of falling, and breaking something or lying there freezing to death.  By wearing them, I feel hes still looking out for me also.  So sad that we have to struggle with this being alone. Prayers and hugs.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  How is your knee today?  Please, please take care of yourself.  I won't scold you; you've already scolded yourself.  Remember to use anti-inflammatory meds, ice, and rest/elevation for the first 2 to 3 days.  I know, I know, you're thinking "Ice?  In this weather?  I'm already freezing!"  But I promise you it will help.  Ice only needs to be on for 10 minutes at a time.

I'm sending you warm hugs to make up for all that cold and snow.

[JES]

@foreverhis  I have to think your hubby was very fortunate to have you to take care of him.....as you are doing now with the good advice and concern for Kay. Bless you!  

[KayC]

On 2/12/2019 at 5:44 AM, Billie Rae said:

@Kayc Hope your not in much pain.love to you.I am sitting here with no power and not much wood,I had 2 cords but when Charlie was sick I had to burn 24 hours a day.Then the weather got nasty and my wood guy has no dry wood and now no one can get on our street it's slippery.guess I Will sleep this day away.They say the roads are very bad so...long Johns and pjs for me.it's to quiet without tv or music so sleep it is.love to us all[emoji8]

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The pain seems to be lessening, on Ibuprofen, more snow on the way though.  Today it's rain and I'm so thankful for it!  Do you have any other source of heat?  I hope you stay warm and get some sleep.  My firewood source sold me green wood as "dry" and it's caused my glass to break twice, at $500 a pop for them to replace it (labor and travel as well as the glass), I worry it will happen again, the creosote builds up on the rope and surrounding area, you can clean the surrounding area but not the rope, it's a constant concern of mine, wishing my wood stove did not have glass!

I understand two cords doesn't last all winter if you keep the fire burning, I've gone through six easily some years.  I pray it stretches and Spring comes quickly!

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc I have some small electric heaters but am burning ecologs they don't recommend them in a woodstove but a girls gotta do...This horrible winter I think adds to our misery.I was able to get to work,my neighbor actually pushed my car 160 feet through the freezing slush so I'm could go.such kindness.love you all.Billie Rae

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[Billie Rae]

Also boo to the wood guy.last year mine did that and the wood just wouldn't burn just smolder and never got hot.280 dollars wasted and had to wear long Johns in the house.next winter I will be in a cozy warm apartment.love to you

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[KayC]

Billie Rae, A big shout out to your neighbor, what a kind hearted person!  I'm glad you have some heaters, I hope they keep you warm enough.  Oh for winter to end, I hope it ends early up there!  I have more snow coming tonight and the whole week afterwards, who knows how long it'll go on.

 

[JES]

@KayC  Am glad to hear your doing alittle better. I also love that you burn wood, so warm and cozy. I grew up on wood heat so also know its alot of work. These days I have fake flames and burn fireside candles.  I too, have had enough snow, outside cleaning up all day yesterday.  I was too tired to even post. My two dogs were out alot also and ready for bed before me (7pm) At this point though I think the shoveling, etc. gives me an outlet thats easy on my mind.  I do alot of talking to myself and Kevin at these times.  Prayers for healing.   @Billie Rae  You are one tough gal....no heat, no electric, no Charlie and yet you are still here helping others.  I'm months ahead of you and you give me hope.  I'm glad you have heaters and a nice neighbor to help get you to your job.  Hugs and love to you and all who share this sad journey.   

[Billie Rae]

@jes I know it seems like I've been on this journey a while,I did a lot of my grieving while Charlie was sick,except a few times he emotionally shut me out a long time ago and through his illness he completely turned inwards I think he was trying to make it easier for me to let go.But then he never was as emotionally invested as I.I grieved my marriage a long time ago what I thought it would be and wasn't.I have a lot of hope for a new and different life,for I am now a different person.And I don't care if it's alone or who knows.Right now I hate that he went through all that suffering and pain.I also know that who is am at this point is because of him so I thank him for that.Love and peace to us all. Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Billie Rae, A big shout out to your neighbor, what a kind hearted person!  I'm glad you have some heaters, I hope they keep you warm enough.  Oh for winter to end, I hope it ends early up there!  I have more snow coming tonight and the whole week afterwards, who knows how long it'll go on.

 

I read that the groundhog did not see his shadow, which means an early spring.  Sure, it's all a silly way to get people to smile and joke--and spend tourist dollars--in the middle of the gloomiest time of year, but let's hope that old Punxsutawney Phil was correct this year!

[KayC]

I love the groundhog tradition!  Doesn't matter if it's accurate or not, it's a symbol of hope, right?!  I know how long I have before Spring, usually after the first week of April is past.  I have had snow the last week of May though, although no notable amount.  Winter used to start the end of October and end in March but it's changed, February seems the hardest month.

Billie Rae, you've been through a lot and yet your attitude is positive, I love that!