Loss of My Wife

[BrokenHeartedinMD]

Hello,

I am new to this site, and unfortunately I am now a widower. I lost my beautiful wife of 25 years on 1/1/19. She died of COPD and was only 64. She had been in bed for the last 18 months of her life and I was able to work from home and take care of her. We knew her death was coming and we were able to reminisce about our lives together over her last few months. I was with her to the end and I was there to hold her hand while she took her last breath. We met later in life and instantly had an attraction. We were inseparable over our 25 years. We were soulmates and she was the love of my life. She was my best friend, my lover, my trusted partner....she was everything to me. Now, since her death, I am crushed. My heart is broken and I am lost. It's impossible for me to think of life without her. I have gone through old pictures and home movies with an unquenchable thirst to see her and hear her voice. She saved many old valentine cards, anniversary cards, love notes, etc, which I have read over and over. These things give me some comfort, but it also hurts because it reminds me what I have lost. Her scent was incredible, and I hold her pillows and her clothing close to me. The nights are sleepless and extremely painful. The sadness is overwhelming. I force myself to get up every morning and do things, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I am close to retirement and we were always planning for the "happily ever after". Now the rest of my life seems like a prison sentence. Life just seems so empty right now. Any words of wisdom from fellow grievers would be appreciated because I feel like I am going to die from a broken heart.

[Pim]

Dear BrokenHeartedinMD,

first let me say that I am extremely sorry for you that you lost your beautiful life companion. 25 years is a long time and then to become separated by death is extremely difficult. The hardship and pain which you are experiencing now may just seem too much to bear.

I am not going to tell you that this is just very recent and that time will heal all wounds because I don't think that is true. I am myself almost 6 months on this journey and still experience so much grief. I cry almost daily, usually several times. Especially the hour after waking up and returning home from work are very difficult.

You were I gather still so much in love and you were completely comfortable with each other. It is so valuable to have this one person in your life who will accept you as you are and loves you no matter what. This is not something that everyone encounters. Unfortunately the other side of the medal is what you're experiencing now that the love of your life is gone.

I am sorry that your happily ever after has been shattered. This must feel so unfair.

Please know that many if not all on this forum will completely understand your pain.

I do wish you all the best, try to survive just one day more, and then another day, and then another, etc. Observe how things will change.

Talking to others, not just on this forum but in real life, really helps so please reach out and/or accept all offers of help as long as it is not too tiresome (because grieving takes a lot of your energy).

Thinking of you,

Pim

 

[JES]

 I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife.  Just coming here to this site is good. Most everyone here is or has been thru losing a partner and can understand how you feel.   Im still new, 4 months, but can assure you that I do feel alittle better with time, sometimes a minute at a time.  Im sure KayC and others who have been here longer will give better advice than me.  I read on this site for months before I could even post. I wanted to know if what I was feeling was normal, it was just alittle relief to know that yes I wasnt going crazy.  Everyone is different in our grieving yet I feel we are all still so much the same in this journey.  I wanted my grief gone, immediately, unfortunately it takes time...but day by day..Ive made it tis far. My thoughts are with you.

[JES]

Just afew little things Ive thought of that helped me.  Are you eating well? I had no appetite for 2 months and resorted to protein drinks, high calorie drinks. mabbe you have some from your wifes illness, if a problem for you, as your body needs fuel or you will feel worse, nap if you cant sleep at night, I had to walk away from hugging his clothes, and pictures at times etc. ( still cant go thru photo albums) as it was making me feel worse,  I do go back to them but dont sit for hrs. at a time,  if you dont want company, say no, I cant do it right now, mabbe another day,  talk on the phone or text people only if you feel like it ( make sure you do let them know you are ok though, ) reach out to family, friends when you do want company or someone to talk too, if you cant shower for 2 days, its ok., was tough one for me, eat tv dinners if you cant cook, let dishes go a day or two, basically think of yourself. Its a hard thing to do after caretaking so long....push yourself abit to get out but not too much or it may overwhelm you, baby steps.  We all grieve differently but we are still grieving deeply.....and can only handle what we are comfortable with at the time!  These little things helped me, hope even one may help you abit.  Blessings to all who are going through this.

[Brazil Man]

11 hours ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said:

Now the rest of my life seems like a prison sentence

So true. I also lost my wife. It was lung cancer. And when I look forward and see how many years I have to live without her it looks like a prision sentence.

[BrokenHeartedinMD]

Thank you all for your responses and for your sympathy and support. I know I am not alone in that there are many others who have lost their soulmate, but it just feels so devastating right now. My wife got pneumonia in February 2016, and up until that time her COPD was manageable. She was 61, and still looked like she could be in her 30's. After the pneumonia, in just a little less than three years, she went downhill so fast because the pneumonia just destroyed her lungs. Being her caretaker was an honor and a privilege and through it I fell that much deeper in love with her. I have read that the grief you experience with death will be equivalent to the love you shared with your spouse in life. That is definitely true because this pain is horrible. Loving her was easy but learning to live without her is the hardest thing I will ever do. I do get up every day, and somehow I eat (although I eat to live because food no longer tastes good to me). I haven't gone back to work yet and I'm not sure when I will ever be ready to do that. I have trouble just getting up in the morning let alone dealing with a bunch of BS at work. Again, thank you all for responding. May God Bless all of you in your grieving and healing as well.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said:

Hello,

I am new to this site, and unfortunately I am now a widower. I lost my beautiful wife of 25 years on 1/1/19. She died of COPD and was only 64. She had been in bed for the last 18 months of her life and I was able to work from home and take care of her. We knew her death was coming and we were able to reminisce about our lives together over her last few months. I was with her to the end and I was there to hold her hand while she took her last breath. We met later in life and instantly had an attraction. We were inseparable over our 25 years. We were soulmates and she was the love of my life. She was my best friend, my lover, my trusted partner....she was everything to me. Now, since her death, I am crushed. My heart is broken and I am lost. It's impossible for me to think of life without her. I have gone through old pictures and home movies with an unquenchable thirst to see her and hear her voice. She saved many old valentine cards, anniversary cards, love notes, etc, which I have read over and over. These things give me some comfort, but it also hurts because it reminds me what I have lost. Her scent was incredible, and I hold her pillows and her clothing close to me. The nights are sleepless and extremely painful. The sadness is overwhelming. I force myself to get up every morning and do things, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I am close to retirement and we were always planning for the "happily ever after". Now the rest of my life seems like a prison sentence. Life just seems so empty right now. Any words of wisdom from fellow grievers would be appreciated because I feel like I am going to die from a broken heart.

I am so sorry for this incredible loss, I know it was the hardest thing I've ever been through and I've had a lot of losses.  My husband and I met in our mid40s and he had just turned 51 when I lost him...heart attack.  I've also had to face retirement alone, knowing what should have been a happy time for us, was me alone going through it.  It was 13 1/2 years ago when he died.  I didn't see how I could live without him but somehow I'm still here...I wrote this article of what has helped me so I hope something in it will be helpful to you also.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

37 minutes ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said:

Thank you all for your responses and for your sympathy and support. I know I am not alone in that there are many others who have lost their soulmate, but it just feels so devastating right now. My wife got pneumonia in February 2016, and up until that time her COPD was manageable. She was 61, and still looked like she could be in her 30's. After the pneumonia, in just a little less than three years, she went downhill so fast because the pneumonia just destroyed her lungs. Being her caretaker was an honor and a privilege and through it I fell that much deeper in love with her. I have read that the grief you experience with death will be equivalent to the love you shared with your spouse in life. That is definitely true because this pain is horrible. Loving her was easy but learning to live without her is the hardest thing I will ever do. I do get up every day, and somehow I eat (although I eat to live because food no longer tastes good to me). I haven't gone back to work yet and I'm not sure when I will ever be ready to do that. I have trouble just getting up in the morning let alone dealing with a bunch of BS at work. Again, thank you all for responding. May God Bless all of you in your grieving and healing as well.

I hope you can take your time or maybe go back part time at first.  I had to go back to work full time just two weeks after he died as it was my only means of support and hospital and doctor bills were arriving like crazy.  My boss and coworkers were very supportive but then my job went down too, it was the beginning of the recession and the next job I had was awful.  You say you work from home so I hope that means it's a better experience at least part of the time.  Whatever you do, you have a group of people here that support you in your decisions and wish you the best.

[SSC]

@BrokenHeartedinMDI’m so sorry for your loss.  It’s great that you come here to this forum to find like minded individuals who are grieving as well.  I see a therapist and I also go to group therapy.  However, this community is my go to on a daily basis.  I may not post, but I read every day and it helps.  It helps to know others have been where you are and will listen.  Take care of yourself.  At this early point in your grief, that is the most important thing to do. Honor your grief for your wife. Listen to your needs and follow through.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Glolilly]

@BrokenHeartedinMD I am so sorry for your loss of your dear wife and soulmate. I lost my husband suddenly a year ago almost around the time that you lost your spouse. I didn't get to say goodbye but think it probably wouldn't have helped me much more but I'm glad you did get to talk and look back over the good times you both shared. I too, was married for twenty five years later in life. I am blessed to have two college sons at home with me day and night. Yes my husband was my everything as well as my friend, partner, someone to hold hands, cuddle and so on. After the shock wore off I felt embarrassed and hurt that I could allow myself to lose such a precious person in my life. But my logic mind told me later that I had no choice in the matter. My mind argued, why now, why him. I look around  and see so many of us and I realize that I am not immune to life tragedies.  I admit I never considered widows that much before  I feel ashamed. As far as not wanting to live and go on I think most of us ponder on the thought more so during the first few months or first year. I can't speak for everyone. Some feel they will always believe this while some report getting less of these thoughts. I personally am busy for now working full time, age sixty, regularly attend church, plans my weekends ahead with friends or sister, so don't have time to think that way . I didn't have the desire or energy the first 3-4 months to cook or get out, so I ordered food, grief books and slept. My sons and I would reminisce often at first to keep his spirit alive. We don't do it nearly as much now so I often ask how they are doing. They have seen me melt down a few times but mostly I am just sad but functional with a few short laughs. I miss him ....but i now have begun to accept that it truly happened. I didn't do this and he didn't decide either way. Fate had it hidden in the cards and the hands played it all out on that particular day . I am part of the human race who found love that so many will never experience. I just looked at dating websites for 10 minutes and hurt for those endlessly searching for it to no avail. So we had something great. Yes we no longer have that greatness on earth anymore but we still tasted true love and affection. I sometimes think he would partly want to come back for our sakes  but if allowed he would gladly stay put resting in peace. But I selfishly would want him back but would not force him to transfer against his wishes. He was loaned to me by a great universal match.   I pray you find comfort, peace and a little bit of happiness as you proceed forward in your life story. Grief support groups, friend and family support, volunteer work and other activities can make life have a little purpose to keep some of us going.

[Pim]

On 1/31/2019 at 5:28 AM, Glolilly said:

@BrokenHeartedinMD ... mostly I am just sad but functional with a few short laughs. I miss him ....but i now have begun to accept that it truly happened. I didn't do this and he didn't decide either way. Fate had it hidden in the cards and the hands played it all out on that particular day . I am part of the human race who found love that so many will never experience. I just looked at dating websites for 10 minutes and hurt for those endlessly searching for it to no avail. So we had something great. Yes we no longer have that greatness on earth anymore but we still tasted true love and affection.

This is so beautifully written. And this is exactly what I feel as well and I think all those here on this site who have lost such a great love.

 

[foreverhis]

On 1/29/2019 at 12:39 PM, BrokenHeartedinMD said:

I was with her to the end and I was there to hold her hand while she took her last breath.

My heart goes out to you and your beloved wife.  I'm not sure how to word this, but I'll do my best.  I was with my love at the very end too.  As painful as that moment is for me and as heavy a burden as it is to bear, I have realized that it is also priceless.  The very last words I said to him were "I love you."  He was on comfort care and really out of it the last several hours, but the doctors assured me that he could hear my voice and the music I played for him. 

There's a scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin William's character is talking about love:

...Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you...And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.

I couldn't get it out of my mind those last 4 months after his first surgery last spring.  He'd had chemo over the winter and it had seemed to be successful enough to get us to the next step.  We were together through all of it, between the hospital, rehab, and home, and around again.  We kept hoping and pushing forward even as he grew weaker and less able to cope.  Aside from paying the bills and making sure the house didn't fall down, my only focus was being there for him day and night.  Fighting for him and for us.  Even when he'd forget things or get upset because of it or from the pain and frustration, I'd make sure he knew "I am here, love, I am here."  I hope you can take a measure of comfort from knowing that she knew, deep down and forever, the depth of your love for her.

It's amazing, isn't it, when you find that one person who is your soulmate.  Although my husband and I had known each other casually (friends of friends) for nearly 2 years, once things clicked for us and we had our first date, we never looked back.  From that moment on, I just knew that we'd be together through good and bad.  These days I'm trying to remember that we had a whole lot more good than bad.  We were beyond lucky to have found the kind of love that lasts through everything.  I cannot believe that a love like that simply disappears, so I'm trying to hold tight and waiting (impatiently, I'll grant you) for the day we are together again in whatever way that might be.

So much of what you've written resonates deeply with the members here, including me.  I'm wearing one of his flannel shirts as I write this.  I've read and reread the last birthday and anniversary cards he gave me, as well as the cards we gave each other on our wedding day.  They make me cry so much, but are tangible reminders not just of what we've lost, but of what we had.  He had the most amazing ability to pick just the right card, one that would touch me deeply.  I would give anything to have videos that included his voice.  I ask him, "What am I supposed to do now?" and "How am I supposed to do this alone?"  There are no answers for the "Why" so I've tried to stop asking that question.

I can't say and don't believe we will ever "get over" this loss.  But I do think over time I may be able to find it more bearable, though your comparison to a prison sentence is apt.  And sleepless nights?  Oh yes, I understand those.  I have yet to be able to just "go to bed" and sleep.  But I am finding after nearly 7 months that I have moments, small times, where I am able to focus on the here and now, even smile about something my beautiful granddaughter says or does, and I have short times now with a friend or two where I'm able to talk about my love without completely losing it.  I no longer cry all day and at the slightest thing, though I cry multiple times every day and am crying now for him, for me, for you, for all of us who know what it is to have lost that one person who was everything.  So many people do not ever have that grace, that joy in their lives.  But loving and being connected so deeply means the loss causes deeper pain.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now and feel as I do now, I'd do it again.  I'd jump in heart first and give my whole life to him.  I'd like to think I'd do it better, but I'm only human and would probably make mistakes along the way.  I can only hope he has forgiven me my faults and failures and remembers only that I love him now and always.

Only someone who has experienced this kind of loss can truly understand what it is like.  I can offer you no words of wisdom or any way to make this dark journey easier as I am simply stumbling through it myself.  But I can say that you are not alone.  Most days I feel as if my life is a surreal nightmare with only tiny glimmers of light.  Coming here and talking to others who understand has helped me let those little pinpoints of hope start to come through.

Please keep coming here to talk, to rant, to question.  You will find kindred spirits and that may help over time.

[Brazil Man]

On 1/31/2019 at 2:28 AM, Glolilly said:

I am part of the human race who found love that so many will never experience.

Me too. I was so lucky finding my wife in this life, but at same time destiny was so cruel that I lost her.

[KayC]

@foreverhis  Everything you wrote was so beautiful...I could relate to it all, except we didn't get those last moments together, I feel gypped because they forced me out of him room, hell, out of the whole ward!  I don't understand that, still.  Maybe they didn't want me to see what they were doing to him, but I would have focused on him, his face.  Anyway, too late for that now.  I wish I could have been there for him, by his side.  He was everything to me.

 

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Thank you for your compliment.  As always, what I feel mostly just flows out of my heart into my fingers.  I hesitate to say, "I know how you feel," but I know how it feels to lose the one person who was everything.  Sometimes I marvel at your perseverance and strength.  It's clear your and George's love will last through time.  I believe that to be a blessing, even though it hurts so much now.

You were gypped, absolutely.  I cannot imagine why they'd make you leave the entire ward!  That seems so wrong.  I am so sorry you did not have those last moments.  I know you would have been strong enough to bear whatever was happening as long as you could hold his hand, see his face, tell him one more time how much you love him, and remind him that you will see him again when it's your time.  My heart hurts for you because, even though he was pretty out of it, I was able to be there for my love.

We're having our second strong series of storms coming in starting tonight.  If we lose power in the predicted 40-60 mph winds, I may very well have to put my wood stove skills to the test.  Yikes!

[KayC]

I only have wood heat but I've had problems with the glass breaking so it makes me nervous, it's from creosote, I bought wood that was sold as dry but apparently not.  It seems everywhere is getting hit with storms...snow coming tomorrow and will last for the foreseeable future.  

I was so lucky to have had George in my life, both of us were so lucky, so happy together, I find it's enough to last me a lifetime but that doesn't mean the absence feels bearable, sometimes it's pretty hard no matter how much time passes.  What amazes me is we get used to even this.

 

 

[SSC]

Kay, that is what I’m wondering right now.  I feel numb.  Am I just used to being miserable and this how I will feel on the inside from now on?  I can’t seem to remember how it felt to be truly happy anymore.

[JES]

I feel same way... I function but I dont feel any happiness inside...  Today is 7yrs. since I gave him a kidney. He told everyone that I saved his life and he was so happy then. Today as I reflect those happy memories come back....and I am so glad I donated and gave him 6 1/2 extra years.  My kidney never failed him....and there is literally a part of me in his ashes...  together forever and ever as he would say.  But at this point my happiness is left there too, and I just try to handle one day at a time.

[JES]

On the up side, our weather warmed up yesterday to single digits and I felt the need to get out after almost a week.  Think it did me good. Today snowblowed my driveway,  Kevin always did it before, and I know he would be very proud of me for my 1st time. Honestly I'm proud of myself!  We are now getting winter weather warnings for snow and freezing rain for next few days.  Life just continues on, and doesnt stop for any of us........ how ironic....

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, SSC said:

Kay, that is what I’m wondering right now.  I feel numb.  Am I just used to being miserable and this how I will feel on the inside from now on?  I can’t seem to remember how it felt to be truly happy anymore.

I often wonder the same things.  I am positive that even if I do feel some happiness in the future, I will never be as happy as I was and it will never be the same.  At this point, all I am hoping for down the road is that I'm able to find small bits of happiness and allow them in.  There is simply no way that I will not miss my soulmate every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  I suppose he probably would want me to try to find small oases of joy, but he'd know perfectly well how hard that is always going to be.  I ask him "put your hand on my shoulder, love, I need you" sometimes to help me through the hardest things, whether it's dealing with a contractor for home repairs or looking at pictures of us through our life together or hearing a sweet story about our granddaughter.

I guess I've started trying to allow some bit of happiness in by having a standing weekly date with one of our neighbors who is a friend and becoming a closer one. There's a Canadian series we both like, but she can't get the 3 most current seasons on her streaming service.  So I blurted out one day, "Why don't you come over and I'll re-watch them with you?"  That turned into a weekly "dinner and a TV" for a few hours.  We both contribute to super easy deli/picnic style suppers plus wine.  We talk and she allows me to simply be however I need to be.  She encourages me to talk about my love as I am able.  That's been really helpful actually because her background is similar to ours, so she "gets" us.  In fact, until recently she knew my hubby better than she knew me because they might be outside at the same time and would strike up a conversation.  And occasionally he'd see she was struggling with something in her front garden, so he'd go over to see if he could help.  She mentioned to me that the first time he did that she was so impressed because he didn't barge in with a "Stupid woman.  You're doing it wrong." attitude, but rather "That little tree sure seems to be stubborn.  I'd like to help and see if we can conquer it together."  She called him a real gentleman--and she is right.

I've been able to relate a few anecdotes that have brought a smile to her face--and to mine.  That would not have happened even 6 weeks ago.  These weekly evenings we've started have allowed me to lift my heart out of my constant grief for a short time while at the same time not be pressured to act "normal."  Until this, I had not spent any time with or had anyone over except my closest family who have visited several times, but who live 4 hours away.  Baby steps, I guess.

Still, I know perfectly well that I will never be truly happy because the one person who made me happy is not here with me now.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, SSC said:

Kay, that is what I’m wondering right now.  I feel numb.  Am I just used to being miserable and this how I will feel on the inside from now on?  I can’t seem to remember how it felt to be truly happy anymore.

I don't think you'll stay numb, it's all part of the processing. I've often likened this to brain trauma, it's huge, it takes a long time and a lot of effort but little by little you can make your way back...not the same as before, but doable and better than it is right now.  I think that is a kind of guarded hope...

[KayC]

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I am positive that even if I do feel some happiness in the future, I will never be as happy as I was and it will never be the same

That is true.  I've learned not to compare, to take any happiness I can get, no matter how small or fleeting and enjoy it for what it is.  Try not to be afraid though, it may not be the same, but it will be better than it is right now, this process is just soooo loooong!

I'm so glad you're having enjoyable times with your neighbor!  I'm on friendly terms with all my neighbors but none of them are really "friends"...was just getting there with one neighbor but she is gone several months of the year and another neighbor pulled back, it seems the whole making friends is a process I keep working at!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, JES said:

I feel same way... I function but I dont feel any happiness inside...  Today is 7yrs. since I gave him a kidney. He told everyone that I saved his life and he was so happy then. Today as I reflect those happy memories come back....and I am so glad I donated and gave him 6 1/2 extra years.  My kidney never failed him....and there is literally a part of me in his ashes...  together forever and ever as he would say.  But at this point my happiness is left there too, and I just try to handle one day at a time.

JES, that is so special, you gave him a huge gift, wow!  6 1/2 extra years because of YOU!  And you're right, you're always going to be together.

[Art]

Dear BrokenHeartedinMD,

 

How are you doing now? I am in a very similar situation that you were in 2 years ago. I can't imagine life going forward without her. I have been married since 2002 and my wife has frontotemporal dementia. She has been in assisted living since November 2020. .  

[KayC]

@Art  I am so sorry, that is hard.  My mom had stage 4 Lewy Bodies dementia, it's so hard watching them go downhill with their brains.  Assisted living wouldn't take her (liability) and it took us a year to get a court ordered medical evaluation (she wouldn't go to the doctor) and they said she needed 24/7 lockdown care, it took months more before a dementia care place became available.  We had to sell her house to pay for her care, it used it up over the two years she was there.

I have an ebook on dealing with dementia, very short and simple but I found it helpful, if you're interested (it's free) message me your email address and I'll be glad to send it to you. 

Anticipatory grief is one of the hardest as you're grieving, living with loss, but they aren't totally gone, it seems a juxtaposition, living with no finality or resolution.  My heart really goes out to you, been there, but not with my spouse...I took care of my sweet MIL for three years when she was bedridden with cancer, watching her go was one of the hardest things I've ever been through, she was the mom I always wanted and my best friend, the sweetest person I've ever known (except my late husband).

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html

Feel free to come here and post any time.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Art]

Dear KayC,

Thank you. I met my beautiful wife Cora on May 9, 2001 when we were both in our early 40s. She was the Director of Design at AIG and I worked at a financial services firm. She moved to the U.S. after she completed her education in England and lived with her cousins for awhile. She had two dogs that she loved and treated them like gold. I had a 17 year old son from a previous marriage. Cora was never married. By our third date I knew that I wanted to marry her. She was intelligent, beautiful, funny, loving, generous, and had a heart of gold.

We married in 2002. It was seamless. It was like we were meant to be- true soulmates. She was a wonderful wife and stepmother. In 2003, I went to Germany for Naval Reserve duty and took Cora with me. We had asked my son if he wanted to come to Germany with us but he said that he would if it was Italy instead of Germany. While overseas, we received notice that my son died in a car accident. Cora was so comforting during this horrible time.

Although we never discussed having children, we soon looked into IVF. We were blessed having a daughter and a son two years later.

Cora had a sharp eye and was very detailed. She was the best person that I ever met and life with her was pure joy. She was a devoted mother and a perfect wife. In 2009, Cora had a medical scare. She was born with an extra rib and needed emergency surgery to remove it. She was given tramadol to relieve the pain. In 2014, she had a seizure. One of the side effects of tramadol is seizures. After her seizure we met periodically with her neurologist. It was obvious that Cora was having some cognitive issues. The goal was to stop the decline. Cora functioned well in 2014 and 2015. She was her pleasant self and she could drive and participate in a variety of activities.

In 2016, there was a decline in her cognitive functions. Cora was tired and not her usual self. She stopped driving and was more content to stay at home. Prior to this she loved to travel and do new things. She was diagnosed with FTD. In 2017, we went on a trip to Virginia and also a cruise to Bermuda. The next year we went to Quebec. We were making memories. However, we could not leave her alone anywhere outside of our home. It was getting more difficult to go places with her.

In 2018, I joined an early onset support group. Some of the members in the group were noting that their spouses were wandering out of the house. I commented how lucky I was because Cora does not wander. The next day I went to the mall with my children. I received a phone call from a neighbor that Cora was walking down the street with a 20 pound metal stool. Someone called the police and they were at the house with Cora. After that incident Cora would never be left alone.

2019 was a very difficult year. This was the first time I took my children on vacation without Cora We had a live in caretaker watch Cora while we were away. When we returned she did not realize that we were gone. Cora was speaking less and would not sleep at night. I moved to a different bedroom. I commuted an hour and a half to work and it was getting more difficult to sleep. Cora was getting more combative. The downstairs of our house flooded resulting in $20,000.00 in damages. The cause was because Cora flushed a plastic bag down the toilet. She started putting things in the toilet.

Things declined further in 2020. When the pandemic hit in March, I started working remotely and my children attended school remotely. She started having additional bathroom and toileting issues and she would not always let me help her shower. She said that she was not married and did not have children. When we played music it calmed her down. I enjoyed dancing with Cora in our living room.

We moved her into a memory care facility on November 9, 2020. Every time I called there seemed to be an issue. Staff soon asked me to find another facility. On January 6, 2021, she moved into Arden Courts. This is a much better fit. They have a lot of room and residents can walk around outside. They know how to handle people with FTD. My wife is eating and seems happy. I had a FaceTime with her a couple of weeks ago and told her that I always loved her. She replied "yes, I know". Sometimes she does not seem coherent at all and other times she seems to understand what I am saying. .

The past month has been extremely difficult for me. I love Cora deeply and can't stop thinking about her. I have shed so many tears. I have 25 cards from Cora and that is a great comfort. I am upset and angry at myself for not doing more for Cora over the years such as buying her more flowers, cards and better gifts. I didn't realize that we would run out of time. I wish that I was more patient. She used to put items from the refrigerator in the cupboard and I would get frustrated and ask her to put them in the refrigerator. I should have realized that she did not know what she was doing and that it would not get better. In fact, it would get much worse.

All I want to do now is visit her when the Covid restrictions lift and to hold her hand. I love her so much. I never wanted to outlive her. She is my everything.

My children are ages 13 and 15. They are doing well under the circumstances but do not want to discuss their mother. It is a relief for them after the past two years.

It is hard thinking about a future without my wife. 

[Gail 8588]

Art, 

I am so sorry for what you and your children are going through.  It is so unfair to Cora and to you.

I hope that now that vaccinations are becoming more available, you will soon be able to physically be with Cora again. Being able to hold her hand and tell her you love her will be a comfort for you both now and will bring you comfort in the future. 

Sending you strength to support your children and Cora in this impossible situation. 

Come back as often as you feel the need. We will provide what support we can. 

Gail 

[Roxeanne]

Art i know you're feeling...it's not the same but i had my mother in her last years with this problems!

At first i was terrified but then i found out that there was still chance for love.

They lose their memory but never forgot how good is to be loved and love.

Hang in there

[DMB]

So sorry Art.  That disease is the absolute worst!  I found much help and advice on Alz.org in the caregivers section.   There's also a spouse forum.  You really have to go with the flow and please be kind to yourself.  ALZ is an ever changing situation.  Somedays they are agreeable, and others not so much.  Wish you well and that you get to visit her soon.  Sounds like you couldn't have done anymore or any better.  Try not to give those feeling any energy.

I cared for my mother after my father dropped dead on a Sunday morning.  I often wonder if the caregiving killed him?  He was a relatively healthy 78 yo. I moved in temporarily after and was shocked to learn being there 24/7 that she was worse off than me and my siblings thought.  One of the hardest days of my life was moving her into an assisted living facility.  She passed just a year after my father, and within just a few months, my mother in law started with symptoms.  She was delusional which was another trait of the disease to learn how to handle.  The family didn't agree with me as to what was happening and was not cooperative at first, but it all worked out in the end.  My husband came back to get her just 3 weeks after he passed.

[KayC]

Art, what a wonderful woman you met and married!  Your life with her sounds as ours only we didn't get as long, but it's the quality, not the quantity that makes the connection....and hence the grief.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son as well, how horrible.  I hope you find some peace and comfort here, where there are others that "get it."