Suddenly can't cry?

[Epope]

It's been a little over 7 months and i've begun to notice a few things that I'm curious anyone else has felt. For starters, it seems like I can't remember what my old life felt like. I can hardly remember what it felt like to eat meals with Derek every day, or sleep next to him, or talk about my day with him. I'm forgetting the way he smelled, or the way he snored. I go to work and I feel almost normal some days.  Like I didn't suffer this mammoth sized, traumatic loss that ripped a chunk of my heart out. Some days I'll stare at the box that contains his ashes and actively think about how he's inside of there and I can't cry. It seemed like all I did for five months straight was cry and scream. 

Am I numb? I know that no one can answer this question for me, I'm just curious if any others felt this way within the first year. It's still so raw and new, and yet it feels lightyears in the past. And then some days, I'll still think he's coming home from work, or that he's just out at a friends house. I know Derek would probably roll his eyes and say "you deserve relief. you deserve happiness. i don't want you to measure how much you love or loved me based on how miserable you feel". Hard to take my own advice.

 

[LeannC45]

16 minutes ago, Epope said:

It's been a little over 7 months and i've begun to notice a few things that I'm curious anyone else has felt. For starters, it seems like I can't remember what my old life felt like. I can hardly remember what it felt like to eat meals with Derek every day, or sleep next to him, or talk about my day with him. I'm forgetting the way he smelled, or the way he snored. I go to work and I feel almost normal some days.  Like I didn't suffer this mammoth sized, traumatic loss that ripped a chunk of my heart out. Some days I'll stare at the box that contains his ashes and actively think about how he's inside of there and I can't cry. It seemed like all I did for five months straight was cry and scream. 

Am I numb? I know that no one can answer this question for me, I'm just curious if any others felt this way within the first year. It's still so raw and new, and yet it feels lightyears in the past. And then some days, I'll still think he's coming home from work, or that he's just out at a friends house. I know Derek would probably roll his eyes and say "you deserve relief. you deserve happiness. i don't want you to measure how much you love or loved me based on how miserable you feel". Hard to take my own advice.

 

I am further along then you are, a little passed a year. I think that what you are describing is something that I have really struggled with which is a warped reality. Time has stopped in some ways and yet moving forward without a sense of attachment. It is so hard to explain unless you have experienced it. I have spent the entire last year crying and riding waves of emotion that literally leave me feeling battered and bruised. It is only this last week that I have noticed that I feel a little better. I had two good days in a row and it really felt like such an accomplishment. I do struggle with all the details of my husband. Sometimes it feels like a dream of a life I use to have and I wonder what happened. I can't remember the things that I thought made me so mad. Everything seems so petty, even the big stuff. I know I would give anything to have my husband back, to have my life back so there is no connection to what our problems were. I read something that said don't try to skip the in-between moments in your life, because those times may teach you the most about yourself. I am no longer where I use to be and I have no idea where I am going. I am just trying to stand in the rays of now and feel the warmth of the ever evolving future. I wish you strength on this winding road we are all on.

[JES]

I am only at the 4 month point but I already have days that I don't cry, I still grieve deeply but no tears.  I was never a person that cried much though,  he was the emotional one between us.  I just deal with things in different ways.  In my mind, all I could see was how he looked when he was sick, now I'm starting to picture him when he was healthier, so at 7 months out, I don't know how it will be.  Mabbe this is normal evolving of grief?   

[Moment2moment]

 

This article has really helped me. I am almost 9 months out. I bet I have read it 20 times:

https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/youre-not-going-crazy-youre-grieving/

[foreverhis]

@Epope  I've not posted for a while because I've been going through a really rough period, but I have continued to read here every day.  I'm so sorry you find yourself one of us.  I'm coming up on the 7th month mark myself and have done a lot of reflection at the beginning of this new year, my first without my beloved in 35 years.

In some ways I feel I've made what might be tiny steps forward.  I don't cry for hours at a time or at the drop of a hat over the teeniest memories.  In a way that seems like a good thing, but in another it feels like I'm letting go of something precious.  I'm not, of course, and never will because I am his and I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  But I've pondered why I don't cry as much and find it complicated.

I think part of it is that there is only so much pain our hearts, minds, and bodies can take before we permanently break, so our brains force us into little sanity timeouts.  It makes me feel numb sometimes, separated from my past and my future, and as if I'm standing in quicksand unable to move in any direction.  Those are the times I find it difficult to remember parts of the life we had, even some of his little quirks and the things that made him special.  For months I've been trying to hear his voice in my head and have had trouble with that.  What I am able to "hear" feels distant.

I think another part of it is that at this point most of us have gone through the months of required paperwork and legalities that have made us focus on objective activities.  Now that that's mostly finished, we have no option but to confront the dark, unknown, and unwelcome future.  And that leaves me stymied, almost divorced from reality because I don't want to admit this is my life.  I don't want to face it and so, like an ostrich, I hide myself from it.

What you wrote about time is so familiar.  In some ways, it feels like I lost him only yesterday.  Sometimes I see his last breath, feel my heart shatter, and am right in that moment.  In other ways, it's as if our life together was a distant dream.  I still hate going out to shop or to the doctor or whatever because I dread coming home to a silent, still house.  A house that was once a warm, loving home.  I come in the door and still say, "I'm home" and when I get up each day, I say, "Good morning, love."  I talk to him all the time.  His ashes are in a handsome leather cylinder on top of our entertainment cabinet.  I tell people, only half jokingly, that it's so he can keep an eye on me.  There's a surreal aspect to my life now that I believe only those of us who've experienced this loss can possibly understand.

So that's the very long answer to your question of whether others have the same kind of feelings and fears you do.  The short answer is "Yes."

[Moment2moment]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

@Epope  I've not posted for a while because I've been going through a really rough period, but I have continued to read here every day.  I'm so sorry you find yourself one of us.  I'm coming up on the 7th month mark myself and have done a lot of reflection at the beginning of this new year, my first without my beloved in 35 years.

In some ways I feel I've made what might be tiny steps forward.  I don't cry for hours at a time or at the drop of a hat over the teeniest memories.  In a way that seems like a good thing, but in another it feels like I'm letting go of something precious.  I'm not, of course, and never will because I am his and I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  But I've pondered why I don't cry as much and find it complicated.

I think part of it is that there is only so much pain our hearts, minds, and bodies can take before we permanently break, so our brains force us into little sanity timeouts.  It makes me feel numb sometimes, separated from my past and my future, and as if I'm standing in quicksand unable to move in any direction.  Those are the times I find it difficult to remember parts of the life we had, even some of his little quirks and the things that made him special.  For months I've been trying to hear his voice in my head and have had trouble with that.  What I am able to "hear" feels distant.

I think another part of it is that at this point most of us have gone through the months of required paperwork and legalities that have made us focus on objective activities.  Now that that's mostly finished, we have no option but to confront the dark, unknown, and unwelcome future.  And that leaves me stymied, almost divorced from reality because I don't want to admit this is my life.  I don't want to face it and so, like an ostrich, I hide myself from it.

What you wrote about time is so familiar.  In some ways, it feels like I lost him only yesterday.  Sometimes I see his last breath, feel my heart shatter, and am right in that moment.  In other ways, it's as if our life together was a distant dream.  I still hate going out to shop or to the doctor or whatever because I dread coming home to a silent, still house.  A house that was once a warm, loving home.  I come in the door and still say, "I'm home" and when I get up each day, I say, "Good morning, love."  I talk to him all the time.  His ashes are in a handsome leather cylinder on top of our entertainment cabinet.  I tell people, only half jokingly, that it's so he can keep an eye on me.  There's a surreal aspect to my life now that I believe only those of us who've experienced this loss can possibly understand.

So that's the very long answer to your question of whether others have the same kind of feelings and fears you do.  The short answer is "Yes."

I don't know how to underline sentences on here but you also described my new "life" to a tee. 

I went through various phases of shock from May onward. Just sleepwalking in a fog of pain and confusion. I had been a caregiver for so long and now that was over.

There was a crazy mix of relief, disbelief, despair, exhaustion, terror, and tremendous sadness beyond any I have ever had or could imagine.

I was so overcome by emotional pain that I could barely walk. I was totally alone now. All the hospice people that became a part of our life were gone in the snap of a finger.

It was extremely disorienting and I had panic attacks and lived in terror of when the next one would come upon me.

I remember my first outing to the grocery. I gripped the cart while wheeling it around, fearful of collapsing. When i got to the car to unload I leaned up against the car because I was just shaking all over with grief I guess.

I could not figure it out. Why can't I get it together? I had. Lost my mom, grandmother, many others but losing my best friend and soulmate was like cutting half of my soul out.

It is better now. No panic attacks but some anxiety at times. Strong, getting out working a part time job. Finding things to laugh at and meeting new people.

A few miracles to move me forward. Hopes and dreams emerging. Everyday is not a picnic, but I am staying to live in steps and starting to envision a future for myself. I feel more alive than dead. 

And that is good.

[floyd11554]

I can share similar sentiments to this.  I just passed a year a few weeks ago and there are times especially at work where I feel almost normal.  Those moments when life can keep you very busy you almost forget what you have gone thru.   They are fleeting though and once alone to my thoughts everything just comes rushing back.  Some days and nights more than others.  I do think there is some adaptation to our changed realities that helps us have those normal moments though.   I don't want to say getting used to but just more of what the daily expectation is now since everything you had and built for is now gone.  You have to adapt otherwise I don't think I could get out of bed each morning.

Crying is much less frequent now though I had a few breakdowns during the holidays especially Christmas Eve.  I had wondered earlier in the year if I had cried every tear left in my soul and if at that point I just had no more left.  I also think it goes more with adapting to the reality.  It just starts to become the way and in that can feel more normal.  Maybe its just how our brains process things over time to help us cope.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Epope said:

i don't want you to measure how much you love or loved me based on how miserable you feel".

That's a good point to keep in mind.  Our grief goes through a roller coaster of emotions in an effort to process it.  Sometimes it all seems rather surreal, like did we dream this up?  Did we really have a life with this person?  It's weird the way our mind feels like it's playing tricks on us.  I have a friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago...she still has not cried.  She's not actively NOT crying, she just hasn't cried as of yet.  At first it bothered her, but tears are not the only way we grieve.  In the early months/years, I cried a lot!  Little by little I began to notice tears less and less.  I'm sure there's been periods of numbness as well.  But I am not you and you are not me and we don't all respond the same to our grief.  Throwing away the word "should" is a good start...we're not all the same.  The important thing is to not hinder ourselves from grieving, letting ourselves grieve is part of the processing.  I figure we're doing okay if we're not actively stuffing our feelings down (not allowing them to surface).  But there's also nothing wrong with taking breaks if you can muster it.  I read an article about some people scheduling a time for their grief...if that works for them, great, my grief seemed to find me no matter what, nor was I very good at being able to shut it off when it came.

I do know that it's our love that binds us to them, not how we display our grief.  Keeping that in mind, it's okay to smile, okay to laugh, okay to not cry on a given day, just as it's okay if we DO.  It all seems like a metamorphosis of a sort.

I like how this article explains the differences of avoidance vs taking a break:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-coping-vs-taking-break-hollywood-kept-sane/

and how this one points out the value of self care even in our grief:
https://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/ways-take-break-sadness-when-mourning

the sorrow in grief:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/08/coping-with-sorrow-in-grief.html

 

[JES]

KayC.      I am so glad you wrote this. As I've read all the posts I read that most people do alot of crying. Here I am at only 4 months and I may not cry for days.  I wish at times that I could cry....I feel that Kevin may be looking down on me thinking Jeanne, why don't you cry, don't you miss me?  My family and friends think I'm doing so well because they don't see the crying. As I previously said, I never was a person who cried often.  So when I do get on a crying jag I make sure I call, text, let them know I'm not doing well.  Then everyone shows up or calls me 3x a day....so I do reach out myself also.  The other thing is I do know crying is actually healthy, gets rid of bad toxins in our body to help us feel better so I worry that my body is full of all those bad toxins cause I'm not crying alot.  I am sad, I do grieve, I miss him, my grieving seems to find me at odd times.  We are dealing with extreme cold -22 this morning so I will be house bound for awhile ( by choice ) so I know it will be a harder week. But thankyou for your info and words of wisdom.  I can cry or not cry and its ok if I don't. 

[KayC]

I just know that tears alone are not a measure of how much we love and miss them.  Some cry, some do not.  Yes, tears can be a release for us, it's good to be able to cry but for those who don't or can't, please don't think there's something wrong with you or that you're not doing something right!  The longer my husband is gone, the more I carry my grief another way, inside of me.  Yes, you're right it's okay if you do cry, okay if you don't.  The only thing we should ask ourselves is, "Am I holding back from crying?"  if so, it's okay to let go but if not, try not to worry about it.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, JES said:

  My family and friends think I'm doing so well because they don't see the crying. As I previously said, I never was a person who cried often.

Yeah, I hear you there.  I have always been a crier, but alone.  I've never been good at crying in front of others, not even my husband.  I get embarrassed or feel stupid.  Part of that probably relates to my parents being rather distant in some ways and part to my own personality.  So people I talk to probably think I'm doing a lot better than I actually am (which is not well at all).  When I cry it's usually at home alone, when I'm doing my writing, or if I simply can't control it when I'm out somewhere and see something that reminds me of my love and our life together.  In fact, I actively avoid certain places, movies/shows, and even music because my grief becomes too intense.  That may change a bit over time.  I hope it does, but if it doesn't I will still have the wonderful memories of what our life was and who we were together.

I simply cannot believe that your Kevin doesn't know, deep down and always, how much you love him.  Your heart, not your tears, are the true measure of love.  There's no way he wouldn't feel it, no matter how much you are separated physically.

[JES]

I do know in my heart that Kevin knows how much I miss him. He knew I didnt cry often, he couldnt stand to see me cry because he knew I had to be very very upset or hurt. Mabbe looking down at me, he doesnt want to see me crying...this has crossed my mind.  Everyday by my kitchen sink window ledge I look at a little log he carved with the words SMILE and a smiley face.  It keeps me going forward.

[foreverhis]

On 1/27/2019 at 1:04 PM, JES said:

Everyday by my kitchen sink window ledge I look at a little log he carved with the words SMILE and a smiley face.  It keeps me going forward.

That is such a sweet thing for you to see each day.  I don't know when he carved it, but I bet he still means it as a sign for you.  Not a sign to ignore your grief or "just move on" as some people may tell you.  Rather, it's a reminder from him to you of the love you share.  Perhaps now he means it to say that it's okay to smile when you think about your love and your life together, both here on earth and when you are reunited once again in the future.  The idea that he means it that way for you puts a little on my face.  Thank you.

[KayC]

I love that you have that!  I'm glad it brings you comfort and a smile to see it.

[Michelene]

On 1/25/2019 at 9:19 AM, Epope said:

It's been a little over 7 months and i've begun to notice a few things that I'm curious anyone else has felt. For starters, it seems like I can't remember what my old life felt like. I can hardly remember what it felt like to eat meals with Derek every day, or sleep next to him, or talk about my day with him. I'm forgetting the way he smelled, or the way he snored. I go to work and I feel almost normal some days.  Like I didn't suffer this mammoth sized, traumatic loss that ripped a chunk of my heart out. Some days I'll stare at the box that contains his ashes and actively think about how he's inside of there and I can't cry. It seemed like all I did for five months straight was cry and scream. 

Am I numb? I know that no one can answer this question for me, I'm just curious if any others felt this way within the first year. It's still so raw and new, and yet it feels lightyears in the past. And then some days, I'll still think he's coming home from work, or that he's just out at a friends house. I know Derek would probably roll his eyes and say "you deserve relief. you deserve happiness. i don't want you to measure how much you love or loved me based on how miserable you feel". Hard to take my own advice.

 

i have been feeling this, too. I talk out loud to my husband, and say, "Were we married? I feel sometimes like I made it up inside my head." I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, to have joy. It's about 14 months out for me...it's not depression, I just don't feel as if I have any vitality, I don't feel vital. I don't speak the same language of the future as other people. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Michelene said:

I don't speak the same language of the future as other people. 

That's a really good way to put it.  Other people, even the ones who know and love us, cannot fully grasp it.

[Billie Rae]

I can't see Charlie's face in my mind,I think my brain is trying to protect me because the last 3 months the face I saw was so thin he looked skeletal so maybe later I will see him before the cancer

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Michelene said:

"Were we married? I feel sometimes like I made it up inside my head."

I have felt the same way, it all seems like a life so long ago, so unreal...I've physically gone to the file drawer and looked at his birth certificate, marriage certificate, his death certificate.  I look at his handwriting and pictures...yep, he was there.  It's a very strange feeling...

 

[SSC]

It’s a scary feeling.  Isn’t hard enough that we lost them, let alone not having vivid clear memories or them.  I find it crushing.