Shunnings by people because of your grief and loss?

[Moment2moment]

Comments have been made in various posts, but I thought I'd start a thread running because this is such a source of pain after our loss, especially the loss of our partner.

What the hell is wrong with so-called "friends" and family who just don't come around anymore or flat out cut us off after our loss?

Maybe this is a good place to share our stories and just get it out!

I have a few but here is one to start. I have a friend that I have known since childhood. We were raised together, both only children, our mother's were best friends. We live 2 hours apart and have for years. Basically like sisters.

She is my age, early 60s, and lost her 90+ year old mother in 2016 after 10 years in a nursing home. This was during the time that my partner was in rehab after strokes and even though I was way beyond overwhelmed, I tried to be emotionally supportive by calling her and expressing condolences and support. 

She is one of these people who had gotten to the point over the years where she texted or posted on Facebook. Period. It was hard to talk with her and maintain the friendship like this, so I kept contact to a minimum. 

She would not talk with me when I finally did get her on the phone. Said she "only talked with her counselor and minister" about her mom's death. She just shut me down.

Later she sent me photos,  which she posted on FB, of her mom lying in her hospice bed and of her in the casket. I thought this was beyond creepy.

Anyway, I told her about my partner's illness and then as I would try to relate to her over the next 2 years via text, she was dismissive and cold and downright rude, so I stopped trying to reach out or stay connected.

When my partner died last spring I texted her and let her know. Her response was 2 lines: "Oh, I thought she would get better in hospice. How are you doing?"

Well damn. Not a phone call response, a stupid comment about hospice as she knew better, not a sorry for my loss, nothing.

All in her on-going and recently prevalent attitude of "dont bother me", gleaned over about 4 texts in the previous 2 years.

Not any type of support to me in 2 years after I had tried to be that supportive friend to her during all her years of caregiving her mom.

So I silently ended a 62 year old relationship. Unfriended her from FB, took her out of my contact list, sent no birthday or Christmas cards. 

There was a time when we shared news about our dogs dying and sent sympathy cards, for crying out loud. 

I have not heard from her since and dont expect to. I am done trying to be her friend or share any connection.

Her cold and indifferent treatment to me when I tried to connect over the years and after the death of my long time partner shook me to the core.

Ironically this is a person that has now become a minister in her church. How do I know this? I actually googled to see if she was dead and read an article. 

Well she is dead to me, anyway. What a hypocrite.

That is the worst of the shunnings I have gone through. Most of the rest were trivial in comparison.

Bottom line: what the hell is wrong with people? I dont know, but part of my self care is trying to be a better person to others than many were to me after my loss. Spread the love which is so vital to healing. 

 

[Spengler]

What is wrong with (many/most) people is that they can't deal with tragedy and death. It is weakness, not malice.

[Moment2moment]

2 hours ago, Spengler said:

What is wrong with (many/most) people is that they can't deal with tragedy and death. It is weakness, not malice.

The topic was brought up so that people can share their stories and vent. Not to analyze or excuse the behavior of the shunners. We are here to share our pain not enable those who inflicted it upon us.

If this goes no where, I encourage Herc to shut it down.

[KayC]

@Moment2moment  I agree that there IS no excuse for such behavior!  At least nothing I would excuse.  My best friend (aside from George) when George died, didn't even show up at his funeral.  When I called her she said she was afraid someone else would be there that she didn't like.  What the?!  The other person was not there, they were home watching my house so it wouldn't get robbed, as it's common.  My other friend also did not show up at the funeral, instead she made plans to go to the coast!  As if nothing had happened.  I don't get or understand either of these people.  But then George's own father didn't even bother going to his funeral!  He was offered a ride, he just didn't care to go.  I didn't hear from him for a year, then he called, badmouthing George.  I reminded him of what a good son he'd been, how he'd been there for him, often driving two hours away just to play cards with his dad.  I told him to call me when he had something nice to say.  He never did.  I read years later that he'd passed away.  I heard from one of his brothers (in prison) wanting his coin collection for his son, why would he pass anything to his son when he has his own?  At any rate he had long since gotten rid of the coin collection so it was a moot point.  I wrote him back and told him if he wanted something to remember him by, I could send him one of his hospital bills.   Never heard back, suits me fine, he was just a con and a user anyway.  Never heard from the others (he was one of 11 kids, one had preceded him in death).

Literally ALL of our friends disappeared on me!  Overnight!  Like moved, left no forwarding!  The one that said, "call anytime"...I did, she said she'd call me back...still waiting.  This happened with each and every one.  Our friends we used to go camping with, have barbecues with?  Was never invited again.  Tried doing the inviting in time, nope!

I found that in my case, death rewrote my address book.  I have no desire to be friends with people who could be so callous.  Maybe it's not intended to be malicious, but that's not an excuse, it's pretty pitiful if you ask me.  It's not the kind of friend I am, nor one I'd want.  This happens to a lot of people, not everyone, thankfully, but more people than it ought to!

I hope you find some comfort knowing that although this feels personal, it isn't something that's happened to just you alone.  I hope this article is of help to you:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html  Please note the links to related articles at the end of this one.

[Moment2moment]

Oh I have more, believe me. And I have read of a few other of these types of things on another forum. 

Her own family, an hour away, never came to see her even once as she was hospitalized for weeks at a time, multiple times over 3 years. Certainly not during hospice months.

No visits, no cards, no flowers, no calls, nothing. Except for me it is like she never existed. Her sister wanted no keepsake, does not want to talk about her at all. She even said to me, "I never really liked her." Wow.

They don't give me the time of day just like they ignored her as she lay dying in hospice. If I became ill or needed any type of help I would be ignored. I fortunately have a few friends that I can call upon, but the inlaws? Nope. They just don't care. 

.

[KayC]

I am so sorry that has been yours and her experience.  I can't imagine such callousness, I thought my husband's family was bad!  

When my husband was dying in the hospital, his "friends" came to the hospital, by the time they got there, he was dead.  They told me he told them he wanted to give them his car.  (Really?!  I'm his wife, I'm getting hit with all the hospital bills!)  I told them it's too bad he "didn't remember" that he owed $ on the car and that it'd have to be sold to pay it off.  These same "friends" stole the ring I gave him for a wedding present and refused to give me his CDs that he'd left at their house.  

No, people can be unbelievable.  If a person has good friends that stand by them through loss and grief, they have treasures, I hope they appreciate them.  It doesn't always go that way.  But take heart, I've made new friends.

A couple who had been friends of ours disappeared on me after he died...years later I found out the woman had also died and her husband hit on me!  I couldn't believe it.  I guess you can believe just about anything...I've seen pretty much everything over the years.

Moment2moment, I hope you can get through this without accumulating too much bitterness.  Let these people all go.  Let their selfishness, their callousness, their lack of empathy, let it it all go.  They aren't worth their toxins.  Build new friendships, a new life, one that doesn't incorporate them.  I read once that bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, apt description.  I choose not to let these people affect me this way, just cut 'em loose and move on from them.  I'm sorry it's happened to you.

[Moment2moment]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry that has been yours and her experience.  I can't imagine such callousness, I thought my husband's family was bad!  

When my husband was dying in the hospital, his "friends" came to the hospital, by the time they got there, he was dead.  They told me he told them he wanted to give them his car.  (Really?!  I'm his wife, I'm getting hit with all the hospital bills!)  I told them it's too bad he "didn't remember" that he owed $ on the car and that it'd have to be sold to pay it off.  These same "friends" stole the ring I gave him for a wedding present and refused to give me his CDs that he'd left at their house.  

No, people can be unbelievable.  If a person has good friends that stand by them through loss and grief, they have treasures, I hope they appreciate them.  It doesn't always go that way.  But take heart, I've made new friends.

A couple who had been friends of ours disappeared on me after he died...years later I found out the woman had also died and her husband hit on me!  I couldn't believe it.  I guess you can believe just about anything...I've seen pretty much everything over the years.

Moment2moment, I hope you can get through this without accumulating too much bitterness.  Let these people all go.  Let their selfishness, their callousness, their lack of empathy, let it it all go.  They aren't worth their toxins.  Build new friendships, a new life, one that doesn't incorporate them.  I read once that bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, apt description.  I choose not to let these people affect me this way, just cut 'em loose and move on from them.  I'm sorry it's happened to you.

I do have good and decent people in my life. Had 2 cousins and 3 friends stand by me during and after. And I have made some new people who know about my loss and are supportive.

I have not become bitter, but I do hold anger toward the inlaws and am processing that in therapy.

I am considering totally severing the relationship with her sister and honestly if I just never texted her I would probably never hear from her again, so not  big loss.

What keeps me connected is the illusion that if I am connected to them, her family, then I am connected to her past and our identity as family.

I am coming to grasp that it is just that-an illusion. But after 28 years it is hard to let go. It is comfortable because it is familiar.

I guess it feels like her but it isn't. Truth is they never knew the real her and could care less. They are self absorbed and superficial. 

[ModKatB]

This is a very raw subject for me right now and I am still trying to figure things out. My oldest daughter moved from Florida to Ohio last year just before my husband (her stepfather) passed away and I moved from Florida to  Georgia to live with my youngest daughter. After my husband died she (oldest child) did not call me or text to check on me at all and I had to call her if I wanted to know anything about my grandkids. I put my feelings aside and went to Ohio last year in October so that I could see my grandkids and spent 3 days with them and it was nice. Once I came back home to Georgia I did not hear from them until I sent a box of presents for the kids Christmas presents.

The biggest hurt though was last weekend when she and her husband along with the grandkids came to Georgia and did not let me know they were here so that I could get a chance to see them. They also went out to eat with friends at a place no more than about 15 miles from where I am living now. So not only do friends ignore you it would seem like family can be mean as well.

[Moment2moment]

KatB 

I am so sorry that your own daughter treated you this way. It is horrific! I just don't understand where some people's priorities are. That must have crushed you to the core.

Lily

[ModKatB]

57 minutes ago, Moment2moment said:

KatB 

I am so sorry that your own daughter treated you this way. It is horrific! I just don't understand where some people's priorities are. That must have crushed you to the core.

Lily

Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most, but I am trying not to let it destroy any of the little bits of happiness that I am able to find.

[Moment2moment]

2 hours ago, KatB said:

Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most, but I am trying not to let it destroy any of the little bits of happiness that I am able to find.

I have always said that "biology does not always make family". Nor does marriage or long term relationships. I am ready to give toxic people the "big heave ho"!

[JES]

 I am very sorry that some people are so inconsiderate. Fortunately my children and friends have been wonderful. My husbands children however, all 4 of them, hadnt seen or talked to him for almost 6 yrs.  They knew that he was sick, had amputations, but never stopped or called. He was hurt but also angry so I followed his wishes not to call them to the hospital.  Day after he passed the phone calls started, why didnt you call me?... I want to come over...I want..I want..my dad promised me this, that, etc. etc.   Wow, can you believe that? I was a mess and vulnerable. Thankfully ....I followed his wishes and said No, I am not ready to give anything away...and mabbe I will never be.  I haven't had a phone call from them since.        Kat B.  Im so sorry, its hurts when our children neglect us.  Mabbe it wasnt intentional...these young families are so busy these days and often wrapped up in their own lives,  its a different world these days.  Not like when most of us grew up.  Mabbe you could ask her if shes upset about something...Ive had signals get crossed between my daughter and myself and in the end it was nothing. Good luck...will say a prayer for you.

[JES]

I have to say that I wasnt always there for people in the past, my dad when he lost my mother, my uncle when my aunt died and others.  I was there in the beginning but never realized how. much they were still grieving, had no clue. Until you are there you just can't realize. Now that I know I will be there for others in the future like KayC and others on these threads are doing for us.  You are all very special people.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, KatB said:

Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most, but I am trying not to let it destroy any of the little bits of happiness that I am able to find.

I am so sorry your daughter hasn't been in touch.  Sometimes people want to fix things for us and when they can't...they just don't know what to say.  This adds to our feelings of abandonment and hurts rather than helps us.  We need them to just show they care.

We love our kids but...no excuse for leaving us alone.

[JES]

I am sorry if I seemed to be making excuses for KatB's daughter.  I have just seen so many family relationships ruined because of misunderstanding or lack of communication, big example are my Kevin and his children. Life is short,  I wont let people walk all over me, but I do try to preserve my good relationships.  Heaven knows, this journey is hard enough in itself, let alone have other circumstances pull us down more.  Just my thoughts...prayers for all.

[BetsyD]

On 1/23/2019 at 10:51 AM, KayC said:

I found that in my case, death rewrote my address book. 

Interesting that you say this. Here, @Moment2moment - when I lost my beloved Tom, I was pretty much alone in terms of telling friends and family. Tom was very close to one cousin, whose wedding he attended as best man and whose now 28-year-old daughter, in fact, was Tom's goddaughter. Cousin D had learned of Tom's illness and wanted to come to visit...we had not seen him for over 15 years. Tom was not up for any visitors at that point...this was just a week or less before he died...and I guess Cousin D was upset about that. Why after 15 years was seeing Tom so important? I guess to ease his conscience. Because when he and goddaughter K heard about Tom's passing I heard NOTHING from them. Several months ago I took it upon myself to be the "better person" and I reached out to goddaughter K, and was informed that they didn't write or call because I had not had a wake or funeral for Tom - REALLY? Well, being, once again, the person I hoped Tom would want me to be, I sent them a Christmas card. That was a month ago. Nothing.

I guess I have gotten to the point in my life where nothing surprises me anymore, but to be told that "well we didn't send a card because you had no funeral" was the most heartless and ludicrous possible excuse.  I have decided that in my grief I have learned to now rid myself of this negativity and toxicity and, as @KayC said, have re-written my address book which, by the way, includes strangers who have now become better friends and more supportive contacts, than some old "friends or family members".

[ModKatB]

18 hours ago, JES said:

     Kat B.  Im so sorry, its hurts when our children neglect us.  Mabbe it wasnt intentional...these young families are so busy these days and often wrapped up in their own lives,  its a different world these days.  Not like when most of us grew up.  Mabbe you could ask her if shes upset about something...Ive had signals get crossed between my daughter and myself and in the end it was nothing. Good luck...will say a prayer for you.

This was not a case of mixed signals or her being to busy. She has done this on more than one occasion and to her dad as well. When she doesn't need something from us we usually don't hear anything from her. I do love my daughter but right now I just don't like what she is doing.

[ModKatB]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry your daughter hasn't been in touch.  Sometimes people want to fix things for us and when they can't...they just don't know what to say.  This adds to our feelings of abandonment and hurts rather than helps us.  We need them to just show they care.

We love our kids but...no excuse for leaving us alone.

I wish that it was just a case of not knowing what to say or do. My daughter has always been this way and it won't change anytime soon. Unless you can do something for her she usually doesn't contact you and she basically told me she did not want to deal with me and all of the issues I am having because my husband died.

[JES]

KatB.       I am so sorry. Im always trying to look at the positives but sometimes they are just not there. And it hurts.....my husbands children were the same, when he put his foot down and refused to give them any more money they were angry and dissapeared from his life.  He had told me, if anything happens to me, do not let them in the house or give them anything.  He knew they would try ( which they did) and he knew I was a softie.  I am so glad I honored his wishes but I wrestled with my decision.  We just need to do whats best for us on this journey as hard as it may be. Wishing you peace and Gods love to get you through this.

[Moment2moment]

1 hour ago, KatB said:

I wish that it was just a case of not knowing what to say or do. My daughter has always been this way and it won't change anytime soon. Unless you can do something for her she usually doesn't contact you and she basically told me she did not want to deal with me and all of the issues I am having because my husband died.

Man, that last line is so cold. Karma will come back on her.

I had a "sister friend" who was this cold and said many similar things. I hate to say I don't wish her well. Ironically, the little brat is a minister now. What a hypocrite.

[floyd11554]

It so sad to read these knowing that in our time of the most need have we also all felt the most abandoned.  I think we all have experienced very similar moments like this in our grief.  It just has taught me who are the ones that I know will still be around in the future.  Sadly, that number is a very small number and will probably shrink to zero if I ever get the courage to finally leave this coast.  

[foreverhis]

I too have had people I expected to be there disappear.  A couple while my hubby was going through his cancer and a few friends right after he died (man, that's still so hard to write).  It was disheartening, but not surprising.  I realize that I am lucky that our very small core group of family/friends has been a source of tremendous comfort, but even they're all at a distance, so I have no day-to-day support system.  My husband was my support system!  Our best friends (brother and sister by choice) have been absolute rocks of support and help.  Their young adult kids have been too.  But they are 200 miles away and can only be here occasionally.  They are the family I visited over Thanksgiving and the only people I feel truly comfortable with right now.

My husband and I both have medical conditions unrelated to his cancer and not terminal, but that changed the way we had to live our lives.  We had busy and satisfying careers, traveled and camped frequently, were in theater and orchestras, spent lots of time with our girls, friends, and family, etc.  Once we could no longer do many of those things or do them only infrequently or be relied on to be up to various activities, we learned who our real friends were.  That small, tight circle of both birth and chosen family has been a Godsend through the past 2 decades.  To have two of them ignore us over the past 2 years actually made me angry until I realized it wasn't helping me or my hubby for me to want to strangle them or tell them off.  I'm trying to chalk it off to a failure on their parts and not ours.

For a few months after, a number of neighbors we'd been casually friendly with basically either ignored me or acted as if nothing had happened.  It really upset me to have anyone behave as if my love had never existed in the first place.  We could make excuses of "don't know what to say" (how about a simple, "I'm sorry) or being uncomfortable with death and grief (well, suck it up; it's going to happen to all of us sooner or later), but I don't think those are excuses.  I will say that most of us on our dead-end block are all in the same basic age group of 60-75-ish, so I understand that feeling of "This could happen to me."  But I would never ignore someone just because I was uncomfortable with the truth about death.   For 4 months, I felt mostly isolated, even though we have neighbors all around us.

The two neighbors we're closest to have been here for us from the beginning and still are.  The women I know casually have started making a real effort to help in whatever ways they can.  I'm finding new friendships with two of them, who have expressed sincere regret at not handling things better.  I'm certainly willing to accept a heartfelt apology from someone who is clearly trying to make amends.   More of the men seem to be coming around to at least acknowledging what has happened.  A few of them have said things like "I'm sorry I wasn't there for both of you" and "I'm so sorry you lost your love."  To be honest, that has surprised me.

I'm kind of angry that my brother has ignored everything, though my sister-in-law has contacted me a couple of times.  We'd been pretty distant from them anyway and my brother had really distanced himself from all of us. But for him to completely ignore my husband dying is inexcusable, period.  My sister has been supportive, but from 250 miles away, and has not asked if she and her hubby can come visit.  The two of them have sent cards, letters, flowers, etc. and have been very kind, but I don't want to be the one to say, "You need to come see me and help me."  I'm irked by that, especially because the four of us have been close for so long.  We'd had a distance develop between us for some time several years ago, but we bridged that gap because it was not an irreparable falling out, just some hurt feelings that needed to be hashed out after tempers cooled off.

I have to admit that being ignored and abandoned by people we thought we could count on makes me both sad and angry.  I know that at some point I'm going to have to try to let it go, as the saying goes.  Try being the operative word.  My husband's sister, who we're very close to and who has always been there for us, almost died in an accident recently, so she's had to focus on her own recovery, but she's still concerned for me (and PO'd that their planned visit to me had to be postponed for 4 months).  I mentioned to her how upsetting I've found it that people are drifting away and that, after taking care of everyone my whole life, I'd kind of figured that people who supposedly care about me would be there for me for a change.  Starting at about 2 months after, most people seem to figure either that I'm "picking up the pieces" (no, I am not) or have simply gone on with their lives.  She said that maybe most people know I'm a strong woman (usually true) and don't need to be taken care of.  I blurted out rather testily that anyone who knows me that well should darn well know that one thing and one thing only could break me into pieces and it's the thing that has happened.  They have to know that losing my love was the same as losing half of my life and myself.  No one should be expected to be strong through that!

I know that over time this anger will become destructive.  And I really don't want to talk to or see those specific people because I know my temper would get the better of me and I'd lash out.  Maybe or probably they'd deserve it, but I don't see it helping me in the long run.  And these days I'm all about what's best for me.  My goal is to convince myself that they simply aren't worth any more time or thought than they're willing to give me. 

In the meantime, I will thank the stars for the support I do have and be pleased that our neighbors have come around as they have.

[KayC]

Kat,

I'm sorry.  My daughter doesn't contact me either.  We aren't "on the outs", no disagreements, nothing like that.  She just chooses to live privately, doesn't have contact with family on either side and about the only time I hear from her is holidays.  It hurts, yes.  I know no excuse to use for her.  She is a beautiful lovely person, just doesn't choose to be around family.  She doesn't call, doesn't answer the phone, doesn't return calls.  Our best way of contacting her is through texting but even then it's a crap shoot whether she'll respond or not.  I love her...but I don't get it.  It's hard, it hurts, but it is what it is.  I can't change her, no one can.  I know that all families are not one and the same when it comes to support.  Sometimes I feel like I'm growing old alone, but I do what I can, I build friendships and interaction into my life the best I can so I'm not isolated.  I hear from my son about once every two weeks.  He's not glued to his phone, he's busy, has a job with long hours and a wife and two little children and is one of the busiest people I know.  Yet he makes time to call and I try to go see him and the grandkids once a month even in the winter when it's hard to.  We do our best, what more can we do?

I want to acknowledge your pain, not excuse those causing it.  I know the pain.  It's real, it hurts.  I just wish you weren't going through it...hell, I wish I wasn't going through it!  I've learned it is what it is.

This article is good too, I know, some of the suggestions it makes isn't for you, or me either, not like we haven't tried already!  But maybe someone else will find helpful suggestions.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And these days I'm all about what's best for me

And that is as it should be.  And you are right, we can read articles about people not knowing what to say or do, but in MY books that is not an excuse!  Not when someone is your best friend!  How hard can it be to just show up?  How hard can it be to show caring?  I can't excuse that and if other people can, well more power to them, but for me, I want and expect more from a best friend or close family member.  We all have the right to determine what is and is not acceptable to us.  And for this reason, it re-wrote my address book...but it wasn't hard, they'd already done their disappearing act.  In some cases, literally.

You'd think it'd be enough we lost our spouse.  You'd think that would be ENOUGH to have to deal with!  We don't need all of the additional losses to deal with!

You're not wrong in how you're feeling.  We all choose how to handle this, some people choose to overlook their disappearing acts, nope, not me.  We all have to do what's best for ourselves.  I choose to put my time and effort into people I think are worth it.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  I'm boggled by the way some people behave.  Some of the ones I was sure would be there have basically vanished. It's angered me to such a degree that I have to force myself to just sweep them away in my mind and heart.  I'm not one to swear in public, but well...I say to myself, "Screw them!  If they don't have time for me, they're not worth my energy."  I know that kind of anger is going to hurt me if it goes on long enough, so I'm working not on forgiving them as that will not happen, but putting them out of my heart entirely.

I know I'm lucky that our best friends have been rocks of support, even though they can't be here all the time.  The four of us have been connected deeply and fully practically since we met 30 years ago.  My hubby and I actually introduced them to each other and then let them take it from there.  But I know how it feels to have close friends just disappear because that happened to us once we had health problems that changed what we could do.  It wasn't the same, of course, as my husband and I had each other then. Everyone here has lost not just the loves of their lives, but the people who they thought they could count on to help them get through it.

I'm not surprised that my brother has been his typical self, but it still angers me that he couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge my loss and say, "I'm sorry."  His wife is nice enough and has always tried to keep the family dynamic pleasant, but she also seems to think that now it's the rest of the family's responsibility to meet my brother half way.  No thank you.  The last time we saw him was at our mother's memorial.  He was so angry that my mother had "favored" my husband and me that he ignored us like a child would.  Never mind that my hubby and I had been the ones helping my parents and then my mother for 15 years!  My sister was all over him about how stupid and childish he was being, making clear that she thought my mother was more than fair, so he gave her the cold shoulder as well.

My relationships with our neighbors have been a real roller coaster.  I was angry and disappointed at first that only the two we're closest to would continue to be there to help us and then help me.  I was so isolated, right in the middle of a street full of houses. But as a few months went by and others we've known casually came around to realizing that they were wrong and started making apologies and overtures of help, I felt that I could let my anger of those earlier months dissipate.  Two of the women have really stepped up, admitted to their own failures to be good neighbors, and are making amends.  I believe people like that deserve a second chance because, when I've made mistakes in my life, I've often received second chances and been allowed to make things right.  Frankly, they've started to be there for me, more helpful and supportive, than a couple of my older friends.  The whole block has started to come together being there for each other more.  We've had two block get-togethers just in the past 8 weeks, with everyone being very considerate and kind to me.  One woman and I are trying to have a weekly TV evening to catch up with a Canadian series we both like.  She encourages me to talk about my husband and our life, as I'm able, and does not push me to act "normal" in any way.  It's been good to have a few hours each week being distracted from all my grief.

I will never understand how people who claim to care about us can disappear, ignore us, or be mean or rude.  I would never and have never been that way.  None of us deserve to be treated so badly.

[JES]

I totally understand how it feels to have friends desert us in our time of need but especially hurts when our family does it.  Friends come and go, our real friends stay.....but we always expect our family to be there for us.  Just my opinion but daughters seem to be the hardest. I have one daughter and two sons, my sons have never been upset with me in their adult years but my daughter definitely has, and I never even knew why.  Well, I had to keep asking, finally she told me she was upset cause she was sick and I wasn't asking how she was doing. She has had many health issues, thyroid cancer,  fibromylasia, depression as she doesn't feel well most of the time..My bad.......I have tried to change that, and fortunately we are very close at this time.  She has been wonderful with Kevin ( her stepdad) passing as she understands ( lost a fiance years back to a car accident). But who knows down the road? She was always closer to her dad ( my ex) but he is gone 3 yrs. now.  I hang on to what I have now and just try to love more. I am so afraid to lose anyone else.  And yes, I am afraid to move on, I don't want to feel that I' m letting go of Kevins hand. I know I'm not in my mind but so fearful of the unknown ahead of me without him. Prayers for all of us who are going through this heartbreaking journey.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, JES said:

Well, I had to keep asking, finally she told me she was upset cause she was sick and I wasn't asking how she was doing.

I kind of get that.  Both my husband and I had long-term health conditions (unrelated to his cancer) and there were times we felt neglected by family or friends.  But we never did the passive-aggressive thing of being upset with someone and then not telling them why.  If someone asked, especially our immediate family, we would tell the truth without anger (as much as possible).

The neglect I feel now from people who supposedly cared about us is different and makes me sadder and angrier.

What I'm having with our daughter now is the opposite of what you've dealt with.  She's been going through horrible dental problems.  It was so bad she had to find a new dentist because her old one caused serious problems.  It's been months and will be months more, including seeing two specialists.  But she had been holding back on telling me because she said, "Mom, what you're going through is so much worse. I miss daddy so much, but it's so much harder and so painful for you that I feel stupid and selfish for burdening you with my troubles."  I've had to remind her that the here and now of what's happening is important and does matter, especially to her own mom.

I'm certain her reticence stemmed from something that happened a few months ago.  I had to have a talk with her about her frequent comparisons of grief.  I'd try to tell her about how bad things are for me and she'd say, "I'm hurting too."  Well, of course she is and I'd never minimize that, but it led to me telling her that I was going to have to hang up the phone and stop talking just then if she wouldn't listen to me.  She stopped, she listened, she began to understand, and she apologized.  Unfortunately, she took it just a tad too far in the other direction.  I think now we might be at a better middle place.

(Sorry, Moment2moment, I hope that didn't take things too far in the other direction.  I know this is about people who shun and ignore us.)

[JES]

I know this is getting to be a long thread I totally understand how it feels to have friends desert us in our time of need but especially hurts when our family does it.  Friends come and go, our real friends stay.....but we always expect our family to be there for us.  Just my opinion but daughters seem to be the hardest. I have one daughter and two sons, my sons have never been upset with me in their adult years but my daughter definitely has, and I never even knew why.  Well, I had to keep asking, finally she told me she was upset cause she was sick and I wasn't asking how she was doing. She has had many health issues, thyroid cancer,  fibromylasia, depression as she doesn't feel well most of the time..My bad.......I have tried to change that, and fortunately we are very close at this time.  She has been wonderful with Kevin ( her stepdad) passing as she understands ( lost a fiance years back to a car accident). But who knows down the road? She was always closer to her dad ( my ex) but he is gone 3 yrs. now.  I hang on to what I have now and just try to love more. I am so afraid to lose anyone else.  And yes, I am afraid to move on, I don't want to feel that I' m letting go of Kevins hand. I know I'm not in my mind but so fearful of the unknown ahead of me without him. Prayers for all of us who are going through this heartbreaking journey.

[JES]

Sorry I think I just sent a thread again that I already sent.I totally understand how it feels to have friends desert us in our time of need but especially hurts when our family does it.  Friends come and go, our real friends stay.....but we always expect our family to be there for us.  Just my opinion but daughters seem to be the hardest. I have one daughter and two sons, my sons have never been upset with me in their adult years but my daughter definitely has, and I never even knew why.  Well, I had to keep asking, finally she told me she was upset cause she was sick and I wasn't asking how she was doing. She has had many health issues, thyroid cancer,  fibromylasia, depression as she doesn't feel well most of the time..My bad.......I have tried to change that, and fortunately we are very close at this time.  She has been wonderful with Kevin ( her stepdad) passing as she understands ( lost a fiance years back to a car accident). But who knows down the road? She was always closer to her dad ( my ex) but he is gone 3 yrs. now.  I hang on to what I have now and just try to love more. I am so afraid to lose anyone else.  And yes, I am afraid to move on, I don't want to feel that I' m letting go of Kevins hand. I know I'm not in my mind but so fearful of the unknown ahead of me without him. Prayers for all of us who are going through this heartbreaking journey.

[JES]

  As you know Kevins children had not talked to him for years before he passed away, and then called me wanting items of his. The one thing I can never forget is one of his daughters saying to me that her and her siblings were " all sick with regret" that they hadn't reconciled.  So sad.........  it is why I want to keep my own children close and just let them know I love them no matter what.

[foreverhis]

52 minutes ago, JES said:

The one thing I can never forget is one of his daughters saying to me that her and her siblings were " all sick with regret" that they hadn't reconciled.

Oh, that makes me so angry on your and Kevin's behalf.  They clearly had plenty of time to reconcile or get closer to or help the two of you.  They didn't.  Sure, they're all "We're so sorry" now, followed by "Now give us his stuff."  No, just no.  Your Kevin was very wise to tell you not to let them in the house or give them anything.  He must have known how vulnerable you would be, so he wanted to make sure you'd remember his wishes and fears.

He clearly knew what they were like.  No matter how much he or you might regret that, it was their choice to be distant.  They lost their chance and that is on them.

[Djh0901kc]

I’ve struggled with this issue as well. The worst was with my oldest friend. We had been best friends since first grade and he, Kayla, and I did things together all the time. We would even house sit for him when he went on family vacations. He went through a bad breakup with his fiancé and we were there through all of that as well. I even went with him to get the ring back from his ex. Then one day he met a girl on eharmony and we didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. Then he told us they were getting married after only 3 months of dating. We thought it was odd but were happy for him. They were getting married in a very small service and Kayla and I were the only non family invited. Kayla passed away about a week before their wedding. He texted and called and said he was there for whatever I needed. I remember telling hi, that Kayla had just bought a dress for the wedding and he said she would be missed there. I did not go to the wedding for what I felt were obvious reasons. In fact, I went through a long period where I spoke to literally no other human beings. Then one day I sent my friend a message apologizing for not making it to the weddings and hoping that he was enjoying married life. I got back a message that said simply not to text again. I was hurt and shocked. That was over a year ago now. I still have a hard time believing that when Kayla died I lost my best friend and my oldest friend at the same time.

[KayC]

@Djh0901kc  Wow!  It's hard to conceive that someone couldn't be more understanding that when your wife just died you aren't up to attending their wedding!  And a wedding of all things would be extremely difficult to withstand, but doing ANYTHING at a week out just isn't possible!  You're planning a funeral and he's planning a wedding, he can't see the disparity in that?!

I'm so sorry, to have someone cut you loose like that when you've been friends all your life, wow.  I think that takes the cake.

[JES]

Yes foreverhis, I am so glad I followed his wishes. I didn't previously post this, but 2 days before he passed I asked him if he wanted me to call his kids to come see him in hospital, as weak as he was he loudly yelled "NO".  Loud enough for my family to hear out in the hall.  This is on them, and they need to live with it.  I don't feel bad for them as it was their choice, and we both had accepted them out of our lives already.  Djh0901kc.  I am so sorry you lost Kayla and your friend.  How sad your friend let you down, it shouldnt matter if you texted him a year later even, he shouldve understood.  I hope you' ve got many new friends now and are doing alittle better. Your journey was the 1st I read about and even though I was grieving I felt so bad for you, she was so young and sounded likea beautiful person.  I am glad to see you post now and then because I always wonder how you are doing. You sound like a very caring, loving person.  I' m sure many others feel that way too.   Thinking of you.

[Djh0901kc]

I appreciate the kind words JES. To be honest, I don’t really have any new friends. I haven’t made any effort to make any and I would rather be alone these days. I know isolating yourself is something everyone says is unhealthy but I just don’t have any desire to be around people.

Its always strange to me when people message me or tell me they read through my post. It’s almost like I forget other people can see it. I often treated it like a journal or stream of consciousness. As such, I’m sure it’s probably not helpful to anyone but me. 

I certainly don’t feel like a loving, caring person. That’s such a nice thing to say. I wish I felt something like that inside. I hope you’re doing as well as possible. We all need all the good thoughts we can get.

[JES]

 Djh0901kc.   I thought about it and I really don't want to go out and make new friends either...I really only have 1 real friend,  the rest is family,  I have acquaintances I run into that are friendly,  neighbors I wave or say afew words too,  or afew people from husbands past I could call....but mostly I like my privacy , especially now.  Im in no way wanting new people stopping over or calling.  Im sure you work so you do see people.  Theres a saying that says if you have 1 or 2 good friends in a lifetime your lucky.  We' ve lost that #1 friend and jus need to hang onto those memories for now.  I could tell from the way you talked about Kayla what kind of a person you were, even if you don't feel that way now, it shows in your posts.