Sudden death

[yngsto12]

My husband woke up friday morning December 21 2018.  He walked to the dining  room. I heard him say my name with a slur. I found him in a chair. 5 hours later after 2 hospitals i was told he had a stroke and it took his life.  How can anyone recover from their best friend being ripped away so suddenly.  They say it gets easier but i feel like its getting harder.  We were inseperable for 20 years and now hes gone. 

[Brazil Man]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife to lung cancer. It took her 1 year and 8 months for her to pass away. It's such a pain that I cry everyday.
In your case it was a sudden death. It's unimaginable how it is to lose someone in a sudden death. My heart goes out to you.

[brynel]

@yngsto12..i can feel ur pain...i lost my dearest husband to a sudden death too...he returned from the gym and just collapsed dead in my arms..no time to say or hear anything...i too m getting by each day painfully..with a little help from all the support from my parents and from kind people on this forum..its crazy..u dont even have time to register whats happening..everything passes in a flash..and u r left wondering..what the hell...

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

[SSC]

Sudden death can leave so many unresolved feelings.  The inability to say good bye and I love you.  It takes time to process death and loss.  All this is being thrust upon you all at once and it can be so overwhelming to your system.  My husband passed away 3 months ago and I still catch myself not believing it’s true.  

[KayC]

9 hours ago, yngsto12 said:

My husband woke up friday morning December 21 2018.  He walked to the dining  room. I heard him say my name with a slur. I found him in a chair. 5 hours later after 2 hospitals i was told he had a stroke and it took his life.  How can anyone recover from their best friend being ripped away so suddenly.  They say it gets easier but i feel like its getting harder.  We were inseperable for 20 years and now hes gone. 

I am so sorry.  It feels whatever we say as condolences are so inept, but I assure you, heartfelt...we've been there.  It seems surreal, inconceivable that we can be happily married one moment and in the next we're burying them, trying to figure out how we're supposed to live without them!  I knew of no manual to turn to for help, I didn't know where to start...luckily I found a forum like this one, it saved me.

I wrote this article at about ten years out (it's 13 1/2 now) of what had helped me, not all of it will speak to you right now, some may later on, some you may not relate to at all, this sure isn't a one size fits all journey, it's unique to all of us, but I hope you'll read through this and if anything stands out to you, keep that.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[yngsto12]

It really helps to know that there is someone out there who understands all the emotions that i am feeling right now. Its like a roller coaster and I'm stuck on it and cant get off. 

[beaniele]

It really helps to know that there is someone out there who understands all the emotions that i am feeling right now. Its like a roller coaster and I'm stuck on it and cant get off. 

My husband died suddenly on Nov 16, 2018. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had words to help you but right now I am so lost without him. I have been crying since. There are many comforting words on this forum and when in real despair I find and read them. I am so sorry for your loss.

Linda

[LaurieB58]

I am so very sorry that you lost your husband so suddenly. There is nothing I can say that will ease your pain....except to say you are not alone in the pain you feel. My heart is broken for you.

I, too, lost my husband suddenly on August 24, 2018. We were together for 20 years, married 18. He was healthy, took no medications, no high blood pressure, had his annual physical less than a month prior.  We went to bed at 11 pm, I woke at 4:30 am and he wasn’t in bed. Got up to check on him and found him just sitting on couch. He was gone.  Autopsy showed he had a “widow maker” heart attack.  Just like that....his life...our life together was over. 

It is ok to cry. Cry as much as you need. I believe it helps to tell your story....like you have done in this forum.  Because of the sudden way everything took place, it is still a shock. It still seems unreal...like a dream that you want to wake up from. Talk about your husband. Share the good about who he was and why you loved him so. It is all part of your grief story.

 

[yngsto12]

I am sorry for both of your losses.  I wish i hsd the majic word that would heal us quickly.  Thank you your kind words are helpful.  

[Sunflower2]

I understand the sudden death!  As with anything until one actually experiences a sudden loss it may not be understood.  It is traumatic in the sense of the sudden component  My thoughts and prayers are with you! 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 4:05 AM, Brazil Man said:

It's unimaginable how it is to lose someone in a sudden death. My heart goes out to you.

so beautiful with acknowledgment of the suddenness of it. Thank you!

[Ih8usrnames1]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is my first time on this sight and my soulmate and best friend of three years died suddenly on January 9,2019. I am just devastated. We were just starting to plan our lives together. I had never known love like we shared and now that he is gone I don’t even know what to do next. It seems so hard to believe that he’s really gone. I am sorry you are going through this valley in your life. The suddenness of everything has made it very hard for me to comprehend. I am trying every day to keep going. It’s a struggle but I find myself doing it somehow. I cry A LOT everywhere I go it’s embarrassing . I am hoping little by little the pain and grief will let up just a small amount .


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[beaniele]

I am sorry for your loss.  Crying is good, tears of love.  I can not go grocery shopping without the tears.  My husband and I did everything together for 38 years.

I found a good grief therapist and I am on medication.

My heart goes out to you and hope you find words of help in this forum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[yngsto12]

13 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

I understand the sudden death!  As with anything until one actually experiences a sudden loss it may not be understood.  It is traumatic in the sense of the sudden component  My thoughts and prayers are with you! 

Thank you so much. 

[yngsto12]

8 hours ago, beaniele said:

I am sorry for your loss.  Crying is good, tears of love.  I can not go grocery shopping without the tears.  My husband and I did everything together for 38 years.

I found a good grief therapist and I am on medication.

My heart goes out to you and hope you find words of help in this forum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cant imagine after 38 years.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I keep saying one day at a time.   One day at a time.  Bless you

 

On 1/21/2019 at 3:05 AM, Brazil Man said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife to lung cancer. It took her 1 year and 8 months for her to pass away. It's such a pain that I cry everyday.
In your case it was a sudden death. It's unimaginable how it is to lose someone in a sudden death. My heart goes out to you.

Thank yoy. And mine to you

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Ih8usrnames1 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. This is my first time on this sight and my soulmate and best friend of three years died suddenly on January 9,2019. I am just devastated. We were just starting to plan our lives together. I had never known love like we shared and now that he is gone I don’t even know what to do next. It seems so hard to believe that he’s really gone. I am sorry you are going through this valley in your life. The suddenness of everything has made it very hard for me to comprehend. I am trying every day to keep going. It’s a struggle but I find myself doing it somehow. I cry A LOT everywhere I go it’s embarrassing . I am hoping little by little the pain and grief will let up just a small amount .


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

I am sorry for your loss, it isn't even two weeks yet, I was still very much in shock at that time.  It felt we had just put our lives together and it was time to take it apart!  So hard, he was and is the love of my life and no matter how many years go by, I still miss him with all of my being.

Of course you cry a lot, how could you not.  I hope you can accept it as part of grief and not feel embarrassed.  The intensity of the grief does lessen a bit in time as we begin to adjust, it doesn't have an expiration date but we do somehow learn to live with this, little by little. 

The best advice I got was to take a day at a time.  I wrote this based on what helped me in my grief over the years...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ih8usrnames1]

I am sorry for your loss, it isn't even two weeks yet, I was still very much in shock at that time.  It felt we had just put our lives together and it was time to take it apart!  So hard, he was and is the love of my life and no matter how many years go by, I still miss him with all of my being.
Of course you cry a lot, how could you not.  I hope you can accept it as part of grief and not feel embarrassed.  The intensity of the grief does lessen a bit in time as we begin to adjust, it doesn't have an expiration date but we do somehow learn to live with this, little by little. 
The best advice I got was to take a day at a time.  I wrote this based on what helped me in my grief over the years...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.
 

Thanks I actually read that on here I think u may have posted it for someone else and it was good to read. I just feel so lost without him. I am trying everyday to just take it one day at a time .


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[SSC]

I really hate that we all say “one day at a time”. I’m such a planner and it’s difficult to not get wrapped up in the future and the bleakness of it all.  But it’s true, one day at a time is the only way to get through this.  Baby steps, “sitting in the wound” and honoring your feelings.  It can and probably will take years to come to terms with our loss and learning to live with it.  I still feel like I’m standing in one place and turning in a circle, not doing much of anything.  But I really am doing something.  I’m coping the best way I know how.  I look back 3 months and see some progress.  I have grief bursts instead of crying all day.  My pain is still there but I’m able to carry on a conversation without uncontrollable sobbing.  It’s a little bit at a time to find my “new normal” (ironically I don’t know how I’ll ever feel normal again)

I liked reading KayC’s thoughts on the little joys in life.  That’s what I’m trying to work on to keep me present. And then of course, “one day at a time”  

[KayC]

Telling myself one day at a time isn't just a saying, it's a bringing me back to today and only today, because biting off any more than that wells up extreme anxiety in me.  I have never learned this lesson more than I learned it when George died, but it applies to growing old alone too.  I can worry about anything.  It also not only staves off the anxiety, but it helps me stay in today so I can appreciate the good moments that are...otherwise I might miss them...and I need every good moment I can get!

We can still make plans but just make sure we aren't so focused on what's to come that we miss what is, and that we don't take on too much, live in the here and now as much as possible.  I used to have a book about practicing living in the present, it was good.