Sudden Loss

[SilverButterfly]

  Two and a half weeks ago I lost my father and grandmother in a car accident. He fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a tree. He died instantly my grandmother passed later that night in the hospital. Although I have lost both people who were a significance in my life I am more focused on the loss of my father. I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was a teen ( 16 years ago). All this pressure fell on me, choices I had to make and hope they were the right ones. I surprised myself in the confidence I had. My father was in huge amounts of debt and didn't have two pennies to rub together. Plus living with my grandmother they both were hoarders, like tv worthy. I was only able to stay and get his affairs done in 12 days. I am such a do-er and due to my time restraint, I pushed aside my emotions because I felt like I didn't have time to deal with them. That doesn't mean that I didn't have mini-meltdowns every now and again but I could count on one hand how many I had. He had no Will so everything landed on me. I was literally left nothing and a total of $4 in his bank account.  Death is expensive and that was something that I had to deal on my own which completely depleted my entire savings.  The savings was there for a reason for when poop hit the fan. And it did. I am not so much angry about all of that as I am feeling guilty. I am currently unemployed which was an arrangement I had with my husband since he uprooted me from Washington to California. I had a career, my family, my friends, but I left it all behind for my husband who had a once in a lifetime opportunity. I have only been uprooted for 8 months before the accident. I had been looking for jobs (After my depression cleared up from the move) due the blessings we had with our life change I could be choosy about the job I wanted to take on. My guilt comes from all the hard work my husband puts into his job and in less than 2 weeks I depleted our savings. I have expressed this to him and he always says the right things but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. 

 Because I had to fly across the US  I have just started my grieving journey, and I am not sure what to expect or how to "deal" with myself. My emotions kind of jump all over the place. I get angry at the drop of a hat over silly small things, I will feel perfectly fine and then the hole in my chest has weight so heavy that I have the need to lay down. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't.  It still doesn't feel real, I am searching for closure. I opted out of seeing his body because that isn't the last memory I want of him. I spread his ashes, dug his gave to put the remainder of ashes. ( My dad was a gravedigger. So I thought he would get a kick that his kid dug his grave.) I even saw the tree they hit and it hasn't "hit me" that they are gone. Sure I cry because I know they are gone but most of the time I have to chant it to myself that they/ He is dead. 

  I was looking to go to an in person support group but everything I have found has cost money. My husband's insurance doesn't cover behavioral health and we are currently not in a position to be able to pay for therapy. I even looked at free stuff but I really don't want to go the church route and all the hospital groups seem to focus on the loss of children, infants and Cancer. I hoping by being here I will be able to use the tools you all can provide to me to help get through this journey. I know it going to be rough, but with your help, I am hoping that I will be able to over come some of the obstacles. 

[reader]

Dear SilverButterfly,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. It is a lot for a young person to go through and to cope with.

Please know there are many supports in the community and through church that don't cost money. Also there are support groups on Facebook. Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and natural. It is a lot and it will come in waves. I also found these websites to be helpful.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare.Org

Grief Recovery Method

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.